I am pleased to announce a 4.0 GPA for last fall semester!
Yes, I realize that I go to a community college but I figure a 4.0 GPA at VCC is equal to at least a 1.7 at a normal university. So at least I've got that going for me.
A 4.0 is a privilege that I will not take lightly. I worked hard to excel. I attended a record setting 75% of my classes. I also visited all professors during their office hours pretending to be concerned about whatever the subject they taught.
One of my classes was Statistics, I do not enjoy math. That is probably why I am still in school, and why I will always be paid minimum wage (although I just discovered you don't have to be good at math to donate your eggs, which I hear can earn you the big bucks.) I think math is interesting but severe ADD prevents me from doing it for more than 8 minutes at a time. After the 8 minutes, I inevitably found myself doing one or more of the following:
-looking at stuff
-playing Mario Kart or Guitar Hero
-biting my hangnails off
-screwing off on facebook or darkroastedblend.com
-bugging Jared by placing my huge head on his shoulder and obnoxiously asking "whacha doin?"
-drawing pictures of people I hate
-drinking too much water so I can take a lot of pee breaks
My lack of self-control was pretty evident. But did I quit? No. Even though I failed the midterm, I nailed the final, ensuring my 4.0.
To make my success even better Jared told his grandparents and Dad. I got $5 from his grandparents. His dad sent out a family update email to all Jared's highly educated siblings, bragging about my groundbreaking achievement.Telling people with doctorate and Masters degrees that you nailed straight A's at a community college is like telling telling someone you were potty-trained at age 15. Anyway you say it, you sound like an idiot.
Next time I will save my bragging for pants-peeing teenagers. Or the homeless.