Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Meet Chrissss

I actually work every once in a while. And when I do, it's usually at Pier One Imports. It's not so bad considering I'm making a little over minimum wage.
I work with a walking contradiction, Chris. He is a well groomed 40 year old Christian fanatic. He often recites Bible passages and warns me that Jesus is probably going to be coming pretty soon (one of the reasons he has not started a 401 k.) He does not celebrate Halloween because he will "not worship the devil."

Chris is also a very horny Gay man.... or a very Gay horny man(?). He regularly checks out the customers, using his Gaydar to see which ones bat for his team. He commends me for having a hot husband and asks if he has any Gay brothers. I say, "not yet." He loves when hot men wear silk workout shorts and prays to God that they will come to Pier One. We have a plan for when any good looking guys enter the store. I have to page "code green" over the intercom so Chris can come drool. He is against proposition 8 because he thinks Gay parents might screw a kid up. He is not shy about his gayness and realizes the inconsistency of following Jesus and loving (or making love to) other men.

Chris also has OCD. Obsessive compulsive disorder. He hates when all the candles are not in their place and secretly damns those who touch/move the merchandise. He plans out his days to the minute then thoughtfully repeats everything to me. I usually interrupt him and tell him that I don't care if he is going to put his laundry in, then watch TV church, then fold his laundry. He just keeps going. Part of his incessant energy comes from the fact that he drinks 10 cups of coffee a day, offset by CVS sleeping pills every night. He admits that his brain might be a little jumbled from 13 years of crystal meth use.
He is actually really fun to work with. Time flies by when he is running back and forth ensuring no one looks at the candles wrong. I can count on him to say messed up things that make me smile.

For example:
When putting up all the new Easter decorations- "This s**t is even too gay for me!"
About a hot guy- "I would let him rape me"
and other nasty, nasty things about men
About my religion- "You better make sure it's not of the devil" Thanks Chris. I'll double check.

Disclaimer: I asked Chris permission to write about him. He was cool with it as long as I tell you that if you know any hot gay men, please tell them to come into Pier One Imports in Camarillo, California.


amen.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Plankton

Everyone I know is pregnant or has kids or wants them. I am surprised/hurt that no one comes to me for advice about kid stuff.
I am pretty much an expert on this subject since I was once a fetus and a kid, but not at the same time. After trying for a short time to get impregnated, one of my brothers and his wife became very disturbed. I offered my sage advice, "...maybe you're not using the right hole." After this, they finally succeeded. I have yet to receive a thank you card.
My older and favorite brother also snuck a bun in his wife's oven. I know it was because of my suggestion to give his wife a surprise birthday lap dance. One thing led to another.

With two of my brother's wives expecting, Mom has taken it upon herself to harass me into getting pregnant. Last time I checked, sperm was what got a girl pregnant, not harassment. But I love Mom, so I allow her to do this. Today, for my own entertainment purposes, I decided to make Mom really happy.

I sent her an email with the subject line: Surprise! Ultrasound Pics!

then included one-
I bet she cant wait!


Thursday, March 5, 2009

UTAH IS #1

CONGRATULATIONS UTAH!!!
You have been named online porn capital of the USA!

Who knew that my home state was capable of such an arduous task. I know, without the hard work of many upstanding Utahans, we would have never been able to obtain this award. It is inspirational to think about how many of you gave up booze, pot, wife-beating, etc. and went straight for the hard core porn. Way to set a goal and reach for it.



I moved to California in hopes of finding someplace vile and rife with sin. A place I could call home. Now I realize my mistake. See you soon Utah!

All hail the Porn Czar!





(family of porn-looker-at-ers.)

Is this really what Utah has come to? I know for a fact that there is great snowboarding, mountain biking and plenty of lakes. All of which are more fun than porn.... to most people.

amen.

UPDATE 3/6/09: My dirty liberal friend Heather just informed me that she is the cause of all the downloaded porn. She is even doing it right now.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Crime and Punishment part I

I think a new social contract is in order.

crime: an ugly girl wears slutty clothes in public
punishment: she must clean up litter along the highway for littering our minds

crime: pretty girl wears slutty clothes in public

punishment: any guys should be able to stare at her junk all they want and pretty girl can't act offended

c: leaving a log in a public toilet

p: offender must fish it out with bare hand and admit the loaf was theirs. (Why do people do this? Flushing is not that big of hassle...)

c: guys in the gym who lifting their shirt and scratching their stomach because they think everyone wants to see their abs
p: punch in the crotch.

c: answering all the Professor's questions in class
p: karate chop to the throat.

c: parking your basket in the middle of a grocery store isle
p: whoever you blocked gets to kick over either you or your cart, their choice.

c: leaving your whiny kids in the car while you shop
p: an awesome award.

c: talking on your phone, giggling like a drunk girl, or tapping on anything in the library
p: kicked out and a punch in the crotch.

c: driving like a moron
p: punch in the crotch.


Looking at this, I think that more often than not, punching all offenders in the crotch is the answer to all societies problems.... If I knew that next time I drove like an idiot I would get a crotch punch, I would defiantly think twice about it.

Dr. Laura would be proud. :(

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