Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Meet Chrissss

I actually work every once in a while. And when I do, it's usually at Pier One Imports. It's not so bad considering I'm making a little over minimum wage.
I work with a walking contradiction, Chris. He is a well groomed 40 year old Christian fanatic. He often recites Bible passages and warns me that Jesus is probably going to be coming pretty soon (one of the reasons he has not started a 401 k.) He does not celebrate Halloween because he will "not worship the devil."

Chris is also a very horny Gay man.... or a very Gay horny man(?). He regularly checks out the customers, using his Gaydar to see which ones bat for his team. He commends me for having a hot husband and asks if he has any Gay brothers. I say, "not yet." He loves when hot men wear silk workout shorts and prays to God that they will come to Pier One. We have a plan for when any good looking guys enter the store. I have to page "code green" over the intercom so Chris can come drool. He is against proposition 8 because he thinks Gay parents might screw a kid up. He is not shy about his gayness and realizes the inconsistency of following Jesus and loving (or making love to) other men.

Chris also has OCD. Obsessive compulsive disorder. He hates when all the candles are not in their place and secretly damns those who touch/move the merchandise. He plans out his days to the minute then thoughtfully repeats everything to me. I usually interrupt him and tell him that I don't care if he is going to put his laundry in, then watch TV church, then fold his laundry. He just keeps going. Part of his incessant energy comes from the fact that he drinks 10 cups of coffee a day, offset by CVS sleeping pills every night. He admits that his brain might be a little jumbled from 13 years of crystal meth use.
He is actually really fun to work with. Time flies by when he is running back and forth ensuring no one looks at the candles wrong. I can count on him to say messed up things that make me smile.

For example:
When putting up all the new Easter decorations- "This s**t is even too gay for me!"
About a hot guy- "I would let him rape me"
and other nasty, nasty things about men
About my religion- "You better make sure it's not of the devil" Thanks Chris. I'll double check.

Disclaimer: I asked Chris permission to write about him. He was cool with it as long as I tell you that if you know any hot gay men, please tell them to come into Pier One Imports in Camarillo, California.


amen.

1 comment:

  1. People like Chris are the reason I miss working out of the home. Dont get me wrong kids do say the darndest things, but when an adult says something stupid its 10X better.

    ReplyDelete

Speak with your heart or your private parts, either one is fine with me.

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