Thursday, April 30, 2009

Meet Dane

I am an idiot.
We have a basement with a walk out entrance, perfect for renting. The only problem is that it looks like a rapist's lair. After weeks on craigslist, someone finally showed some interest. I was so stoked that someone would actually want to live there, that I didn't do any credit or reference checks.

Meet Dane.

At least I was smart enough to make him sign a strong month-to-month contract and demand a hefty security deposit.
During the first few weeks he was a good enough tenant. His creepy looking friends only came in and out in the middle of the night. His 3 year old son went MIA (missing in action), I assumed he was at his grandma's house. He also kept his drunken parties at a reasonable noise level.
Then he got comfortable.

1. He smuggled in his PIT BULL. The contract specifically stated that no animals were allowed. I decided to play it cool and save my nagging for something more significant.


2. His friends started coming in and out all day and night, even when Dane wasn't there. Our neighbors thought we were kingpins in a lucrative drug trade.

3. He started smoking inside.... then denied it. I am pretty dumb, but not that dumb. I know smoke that smells like cigarettes coming through my vents is probably because someone is smoking.


4. His clinically insane father moved in
(really. He's been diagnosed and is on all sorts of meds.) He said he was just spending the night..... every night. He was one of the most creepy men I have ever seen. He looked like he avoided showers like I avoid rape. And he didn't walk, he waddled. He also has a pedosmile (pedophile-smile).

5. While mowing the lawn I picked up a garbage bag full of his dogs feces. I graciously placed them on his front porch.

6. Scattered throughout my lawn along with dog poop, were cigarette butts. EVERYWHERE. Even in my rosebushes. For some one who said they don't smoke, he smoked a lot.

7. He started using my carport as a storage facility. Though I have White Trash tendencies, storing dining room sets and bags of garbage in the front yard is not one of them. Him and his posse regularly littered our yard with trash.

Dear Dane has since been evicted for non-payment of rent. He owed over $1500, but sadly, only taped $500 to my screen door along with a sad note about why he didn't pay the rest. I had no sympathy.

(Jeried Schoot is actually spelled: Jared Scott.)

Today I found snickers and baby ruth candy bar wrappers under a bush. Thank you Dane. You have turned my yard work into a treasure hunt. Thank you.



and amen.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I'd Like to Order a Pizza Please.


In light of recent events at a North Carolina Domino's Pizza, I have thought back to my days working at food establishments.
If you have not seen the disturbing video of two employees doing disgusting things to food, you are lucky, it has now been taken down by youtube. It is awesome that the perpetrators are a 31 year old girl and a 32 year old boy. When I finish school I can only hope to have such a rewarding career. They blow snot, cough, and fart on food they are making for the public. Cheese is cheerfully placed up the dudes nose as the girl videotapes with full commentary. These two look like meth addicts with a penchant for grease baths. Very entertaining.

I have had my fair share of crappy jobs. The most notable being Drive Thru Girl at Taco Bell. I was 15 and worked with a bunch of other adolescent boys. My manager was a closeted lesbian who secretly took me to get my bellybutton pierced. She also gained popularity by letting the rest of the crew drink at her trailer. Surprisingly enough no one ever messed with the food. OK. I take that back. I did ONCE. A fellow classmate whom I hated came through the drivethru and ordered a bean burrito, I made it for him and put some extra meat inside. Not so bad...expect for the fact that he was a Vegan. Also, being teenagers with lots of time and a deep fryer on our hands, we fried a frog... but we dumped the oil out after... I think.

While I was a hostess at TGI Fridays I remember angry servers licking their fingers then stirring their customers drinks. Pretty fowl. This is why I am always polite if I ever eat out.

As a waitress at Outback Steakhouse I never saw the pot heads in the kitchen screw with anything. They took way too much pride in their food creations. I assume this is because other than making a great steak, their marijuana filled lives
weren't that fulfilling. Plus we all know how the munchies make you appreciate and respect food.

UPDATE 4/27/09: I forgot one nasty thing another jaded 40 year old server did at Outback. When customers would piss him off he would "crop dust" them. This maneuver is executed by slowly walking by their table after they received the food and farting, coating them in a layer of your nastiness, hence "crop dusting." Gross, but pretty funny.

Ultimately I think It is still safe to eat out.... unless bitter 30 year olds are making your food.


amen.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

I Love My Period


Last night Jared and I went to visit our good friends who had just had a little baby girl. She was only 5 lbs or about the size of a pot roast. I hate to admit it but I love little babies. As soon as I walked in I handed New Mom her gift then monopolized the baby. I only let someone else touch her when she pooped her pants. And I still liked her after that.



Jared loves babies more than me. If he could give birth I bet he would. He wants one yesterday. The closer I get to actually having one the more scared I become. For instance, I could have graduated this December, but I decided to take a few more classes and now I'll graduate next spring. I use school as a total cop out.
I have had ample experience with children. I am the second oldest of 7 kids, my older brother was crazy so he doesn't count, I might as well be the oldest. Mom was sick with Colitis and by default I did my fair share of making sure the little brats stayed alive. Though I did my best to make it fun. Punishments included:

-bare knuckle boxing matches between the perpetrators.
-sitting beside the TV so they could watch everyone else watching it.
-cleaning my room or the dirtiest bathroom.
-making my brothers dress up in tutus while I photographed for later blackmail.
This is what happens when you leave an unpaid angry 13 year old in charge.

In recent years I have been a nanny. Don't worry, I am much nicer to kids who aren't my siblings. I have watched kids for up to two weeks at a time while the parents go on vacation. I help out in the nursery at church and I'm in love with those little humans. Maybe this is why I am unsure about having children: I know exactly what I am getting into....well I have a pretty good idea.

Also, I am selfish. I figure these are some of the only times in my life when it is somewhat acceptable. I don't know if I am cut out for the crazy job that Motherhood is. I find myself worrying about dumb things that come with babies. Case in point:

- I do not live near family, who will babysit?
- When will I work out?
- How will I function on less than 9 hours of sleep?
- How big are my boobs going to get?
- What do you do when you're chillin out with a baby all day?
- What if I break it?
- If I don't like it can I give it away?

I also drool over every baby I see, even If I don't know them. I make all my "Mom" friends let me hold their little kids, if they don't let me I will bribe the kid with candy. I really want babies when I see a cute one.... I want to run home and jump on Jared. I feel like octomom. This is what scares me. I think I am going to try to limit my time around cute babies.

I am sure I'll come to terms with motherhood eventually. Until then I will keep extending my graduation.

amen.


Thursday, April 2, 2009

I Saw Another Man's Penis


Who: Me and a 20-something year old with problems
What: A flashing of his manhood
When: Fall Semester 2005
Where: All alone on Trax
Why: I wish I knew

My driver's license was suspended again (more on my shady driving record later) and I was forced to ride Salt Lake City's public transit system, Trax. I was catching a ride on my way home from the University of Utah when a young pervert joined me in the otherwise empty train. He looked normal enough. I thought it was a little weird that he sat directly across from me, but I just continued fishing around in my backpack for my Walkman (I was not cool enough for an Ipod.) You know how you can sense if someone is staring at you? Well, I did. I looked up and saw his penis hanging out of his zipper... balls and all. I quickly looked back down. I was sure I was imagining it. I had to be, people just don't squish their peens out the zipper hole for no reason.... right? WRONG! I am no peniologist. I had to look back up and make sure my eyes were not playing tricks. Sure enough, Herbert (the pervert) had his package cradled in his lap and on display. He began playing with it. Nasty, Nasty, Nasty.... but my head wouldn't look away. I kept trying to but my head could not wrap around the fact that some dude made a special trip on Trax just to show me his twinkles. I am sure my face was showing a mix of unbelief and horror. With my eyes on his semi-boner I began to feel enraged. I blindly reached around for my pepper spray with full intentions of squirting him square in the urethra. He must have sensed the danger. He jumped up and out of the train and ran down an alley with his testicles flapping in the wind. I still couldn't believe it. I was glad him and his wiener were gone, but also sad that I didn't get to pepper spray it. I thought of reporting him to the police. A public masturbater has no right to be running around SLC showing himself to girls. As I imagined how the phone call would go:

911: Hello, this is 911 how can I help you.
emily: (voice shaky and scared) I just saw a penis
911: You just saw what?
emily: p-p-p-penis!
911: Prank calling 911 is a misdemeanor.
emily: but he had a boner!
911: Mam' I think you better lay off the drugs for awhile....

I didn't call. But I did decide to keep my pepper spray in the easy access front pocket of my bag. Considering my luck, I am sure I will be in a similar situation at some point, and I will not jeopardize my chances of spraying someone's privates ever again.


P.S. Thank you so much for all your comments here and on facebook! I love reading them and I am glad you find my blog worthy of being read making you laugh.... at least some good comes from all this messed up stuff!

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