Saturday, June 27, 2009

Thank you for Thanksgiving



Thanksgiving.
2006.

The movie theaters in South Salt Lake City.

My unruly but favorite brother Jake and the guy sitting in front of him.




Family tradition dictates that every Thanksgiving we go to see a movie along with thousand of other Mormon families in Salt Lake Valley.
Wherever my brother Jake goes, shenanigans soon follow. After situating all 10 of us in the same row, Jake and his poor wife end up with an isle seat. The theaters will soon become packed but this does not hamper Jake's love of putting his feet on the seat in front of him.


(The following account is relayed from Jake and therefore may or may not be entirely true)

Apparently a couple tried to sit in the seats that Jake was resting his nasty feet upon. The guy takes the seat and lies his head on Jake's Flintstone feet. (Utah is full of crazy people like this.) Jake reluctantly moves he feet but not before the guy had chewed up some popcorn and turned around to shower Jake and his wife with it. Being the classy guy I know Jake is, he hacked up the biggest wad of boogers and spit, then pasted the guys face with it.
The guy, of course, got super-duper-Hulk mad and attacked Jake. They begun to fight as the full theatre filled with grandmas and kids looked on.

This part is true, I saw it with my own eyes:

Within .00235 seconds my 40-something year old Mom had somehow flown down the entire row of seats and had the popcorn-spitting guy by the throat. I swear he was on his tip toes as my Mom's grip tightened. WHAT!?!?!? It was probably one of the coolest/funniest/raddest things I have ever witnessed. My Dad had to pry her off him.

This phenomenon is not uncommon. We have all heard of the women who lift cars to save their children, right? Chalk it up to old woman/mama bear strength. I am sure I will cut the fingernails off of anyone who messes with my kids.

Jared and I were newly married at this point, and as he rethought his decisions, I looked upon my pseudo-crazy family and smiled with small amount of embarrassment and a large amount of pride.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Health 101

My sister in law is a cute thoughtful girl. While living in Ohio she was in High School and as you know, 17 year olds know everything. Jared and I were spending a quiet evening in my Father in law's living room, Jared's sweet sister, whom I'll refer to as Carly, entered the room to use the computer. My father in law, aka Lear-bear, was hanging out with us too.

We somehow got on the topic of how I am more "girlie" than Carly. Carly immediately disagreed, then graced us with the knowledge that she has more estrogen that I do, and therefore my girlishness was a facade. I was curious as to how she measured my estrogen without me knowing.

Jared asked: What makes you think your estrogen levels are higher?

Carly: Because my boobs are way bigger than Emily's.

Jared: Does that mean your vagina is way bigger too?



Carly ended up storming off to her room as Lear-bear and I fell on the floor laughing. I guess I would be mad too if my brother asked me about my big vagina and my dad giggled.


I am going to have to assume that our public schools are not doing a good job at this whole anatomy subject.
Further evidence:
While hanging out with my little sister Sarah on our previous family vacation, I was surprised to learn about how male ejaculation really works. While eating Clam Chowder (ew!), Sarah taught me things I had never learned of before. Apparently Men only ejaculate when having sex. If they are simply um... doing it themselves, nothing comes out.
I asked Sarah if she thought her teacher had ever "done it" before, because surely a married woman would know what she is talking about. She answered that the teacher was pregnant, so we have got to assume everything that comes out of her mouth is gospel truth.

Class Review:

Now we know that boob size is in direct correlation with the amount of estrogen you have. Next time we see a man with boobs, we can assume that his estrogen levels are high.

Knocked up teachers are good resources for questions about male-parts and their functions.


(picture attributed to: http://www.womenshealthmatters.ca/)

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Basement Living Digest

Basements are durable living spaces where a little warmth goes a long way. Other people's basements are a great option if you are unstable newlyweds looking to save some money and travel or if you have kids and are saving up funds for their diapers and college. No matter your situation, basement living could be for you.

When choosing your basement, be sure to acknowledge all options. Relatives and in-law's basements usually offer their space rent free. Though you will feel like horny teenagers when you sneak downstairs for some action, the fact that free food is included evens things out. You may feel obligated to spend some time with your landlord/father-in-law so be sure you get along with them first. When inhabiting an extended relatives space it is best to peek into their medicine cabinet to ensure serious psychological issues are not a problem. Don't worry if they are though! You can always sleep with the lights on.

When moving into your new place be sure that whoever is letting you stay there moves most of your stuff in. You want to make sure they feel included. Feel free to cheer them on while you drink
O'douls in your lawn chair. Basements can also be decorated easily with the help of yard sale chandeliers and self painted murals. Homemade flower arrangements also add a classy touch.




While living in Dayton Ohio, my husband and I spent the better part of a year residing in my father-in-law's basement. The basement was an entirely private space. It was not all fun and games but we were able to save some money, travel and be unabashedly selfish.
My parents believed that Jared and I were playing video games in the basement or laying by the pool all day while taking vacations sporadically. Though this was not the case we let them believe this for a while - purely for entertainment purposes. Our lack of employment did not include not working. While avoiding conventional employment we were still extremely productive people.

We bought a questionable old house that Jared completely tore down to the 2x4's and rebuilt. That extended our basement stay for a little while, much to disapproval of many people in our lives. The house was just a few streets over from Jared's family. Some out of state siblings (who I am convinced hate us and our our nonchalance towards employment) were appalled that we didn't mind being around our relatives for more than 2 hours at a time, and that we actually wanted to live by them.

(This is obviously the "before" picture of the house... creepy.)

While visiting my parents in SLC Utah we were touring their new house they had designed and built. Walking through their fully loaded basement I commented, "wow, this place would be perfect to spend the next few years of my life." My dad, Brad, was not amused.

Jared and I have always had goals and plans for reaching them. It just so happens that one of our goals was to be bums and not have paying jobs for a little while. After our shenanigans in Ohio more than a few people were surprised when we got real jobs and bought a house in California.

Slowly but surely our families are beginning to believe us when we promise that we will not be in jail or on welfare within the next two years.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Vacation Fun

A majority of my teenage years were dedicated to extreme rebellion and the proverbial flipping off of the man. Teen angst combined with my parents idea that the only vacation was one to Disney World bred disaster. My family went to Orlando, Florida numerous times. Each day was celebrated at a different theme park. My parents were a little shy to try new destinations, and with 7 kids to wrangle, I didn't blame them.

During the final trip my three brothers and I were left to wander the theme parks without supervision. I am sure my parents were simply trying to avoid the embarrassment a 17 year old girl and her brothers would cause. Obviously our time was spent causing all the trouble we could. Our creativity and ability to outrun security made for fond memories. Although I am not necessarily proud of these moments, I feel it my duty to share the following with you. (OK, I am proud of some of them.)

I am compelled to preform any double dare that comes my way, and when my brother dared me to cop a feel I had no other choice. I think this is the monk guy from Robin Hood.

Another half and hour was spent hiding in a King Tut display at Universal Studios. My older brother and I hid by Mr. Tut's mummy
and as soon as the theme park tour came through we jumped out. Even a hulk hogan look-a-like screamed like a schoolgirl. A pregnant lady almost had her baby. Our get-away was almost ruined by fits of laughter.


This picture of my little brother Daniel was not easy to capture. In order to get next to the statue and preform the purple nurple, Daniel had to evade the 16 year old pimply faced guard. He jumped the barricade and executed the nurple with the grace of a ninja.


Daniel was by far the best person to troll the parks with. For something as simple as a churro, Daniel would wrestle the costumed characters. We would stand in line like we were going to take a picture and as soon as 13 year old Dan got close enough, he would get them in a headlock and force them to the ground. Security response was always immediate but those 8 seconds were
some of the best seconds of my life. Winnie the Pooh being especially memorable.

My older brother Jake was brilliant in this photo. He seems to be catching the trolls dump with ease and skill. The employees of the gift shop were not as impressed as I was.








I totally mooned a giant magnifying glass.
Not much of an explanation is needed here. This was not one of my finest moments, but a masterpiece nonetheless. After the camel toe incident this one seems rather trivial.

Needless to say our shenanigans convinced my parents that theme parks bored us. Our next big family trip was a cruise taken at the beginning of May, and will have to wait for it's own post.


amen.

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