Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Dirty Braids

My fam is visiting California to bask in my sunny personality. Its a big deal when they visit because we get to do all sorts of things we can't afford otherwise, like going to a movie theatre!!! My collection of DVDs is not very family friendly so instead of chilling out at home we headed to cinema.

After finding out that not seeing Avatar is a sin, Jared and I readily agreed to see it. My parents wanted us to repent for our grievous sinning against pop culture and cutting edge computer graphics.

Avatar is pretty amazing. One of the few movies that live up to all the hype. The only problem I had was with the pornographic braids.

Slimy tentacles slither out of their phallic braids waiting to fuse together and bond with another creature. You can "bond" anything... plants, freaky horses or other aliens... whatever floats your boat.
The two main characters end up making out before the camera pans out alluding to the fact that they are totally bumpin braids.

I bet they didn't even use protection.

What is that teaching the children? You can just go around rubbing braids with everyone like an unpaid Na'vi whore? Our society really needs to be presenting messages that do not include premarital braid touching.

The following picture is NSFW:






Later Jared asked if I was in the mood to bump braids..... I was. amen.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

100 Calories of LIES

Yesterday I went to the happiest place on earth.... Costco.

I bought 6 gallons of milk because I love milk more than I love Jared.

I also bought an amazing assortment of 100 calorie snacks! I was so excited to have guilt free cookies at my fingertips. I figured I could pack them in my lunches every day when I skip to school.

Little did I know.......Keebler LIES!!!! And they package their lies in cute pouches of 100 calories or less. The package does not warn you. It should say:

WARNING: these snacks are freaking delicious and once you eat one bag you will probably eat 5-6 more. Then, a few minutes later, you will remember how good they are and eat two more entire bags. And Surprise!!! Your 100 calorie snack is now a 900 calorie snack.

I hate you and your mouth-watering lies, Keebler. amen.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Best Picture Ever


Jared and his dad, Lear-bear.

If you have a picture more amazing than this, you have to email it to me. But in all reality, none of you have a picture this awesome.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Trash Can Abuse

Let's say, hypothetically of course, that when you do yard work for 3 hours, you inevitably fill up the yard waste bin. Because you want to get the maximum amount of trash collection for your bi-monthly payment of $74.39 you must find a way to fit more stuff in.

When said trash can will no longer hold anything else, you receive inspiration from above. Suddenly climbing into the huge trash bin and jumping up and down to compress the contents seems like an enlightened idea.
Though the bin is as tall as your armpit and slightly unstable, you assume that it's no match for your cat-like agility.

You use a step ladder and awkwardly climb into the leaves, weeds and dirt. It compresses easily and jumping on it is kind of fun. You gain confidence in your skills as a trash compactor and jump harder.
Then the entire trash can slides out from under you leaving you on the asphalt surrounded by yard waste. In the front yard, of course, in full view of your neighbors.

You pretend you meant to do it.

You also may use every swear word you know to curse gravity.
Later your husband points out to you that you have a monster bruise on your intimate areas. Your inner thigh and left butt cheek look like rotting hamburger meat.





Whoever would do is hypothetically an idiot.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Butt Doll

Nursery at a Mormon church.

Full of surprises. Few of them good.

Loving families donate their old toys to the nursery so we end up with some interesting things.




But nothing prepared me for this:


A sweet little girl brought this questionable doll to me and told me she couldn't find any underwear. I immediately called Jared over to show him the plastic butt in a sea of flesh-colored cloth. We laughed for five minutes straight.

Because the other women that work with me are used to my unconventional approach to mass childcare, I knew they would think the baboon butt was funny.

They laughed. Who wouldn't?
I wish I knew who donated Butt Doll. Seriously, who picks that out at a store, buys it, let's their kid play with, it then donates it to a church? Someone who is awesome, thats who.

I wondered whether the pornographic doll should remain in our nursery (especially with our "no nakeds" policy).... I came to the conclusion that if the kids are confused by a doll's crack then we probably have much bigger problems on our hands. And out of respect for the toy company that designed and manufactured a doll with two sets of plastic cheeks.


Butt doll remains.



Plus, whenever anyone plays with it, Jared and I look at each other and giggle.... Well, Jared doesn't giggle, he does a sexy man laugh.

amen.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Imperative Information

From the Facebook meme: 25 Fact about yourself. Enjoy.


1. I take cold showers.
2. I can't swim well but I scuba dive
.


(Except this trip I almost drowned but Jared's sister Sara saved me by inflating by BC-vest. I'm dumb.)










3. I can smell everything. This is not a good ability.

4. If I have to poop in public bathrooms, I time it so when someone is flushing the toilet, I go. This masks sounds that might arise.

5. My favorite
place in the world is Bali.
6. I eat candy every day.

7. I've been arrested.
8. I sometimes wish I was Black.
9. I once evicted my tenant, with a crash course is CA law.

10. I think people who have no regrets are idiots.

11. I shave my whole body except the head.

12. Getting glasses has me convinced that my body is giving out on me.

13. I drink three gallons of milk a week.

14. The more I know the more I realize how stupid I are.

15. Kids freak me out but I babysit part-time and work in the nursery at my church.
16. My husband cooks and I mow the lawn.

17. I have only ever loved Jared.

18. I lost the Miss
Riverton Pageant three times. During one swimsuit portion I had the worst camel toe ever.
19. I won the swimsuit competition that year.
20. I couldn't ever date a guy who participated in theater musicals. I need a manly man.
21. I play the guitar.
22. I am a firm believer in 9 hours of sleep every night.

23. Midterms and Finals make me breakout so bad. I look like a rabid dog.

24. I've had a gun pulled on me.

25. Every job I have ever interviewed for I was offered.

amen.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I Hate Being On Shows

When I have a break between class I sometimes wander over to the CSUN campus bookstore to read all the magazines about famous people buying coffee.

I cannot bring myself to actually pay $3.95 for the cultural bibles that tabloids have become.
Instead I chill out in the bookstore absorbing imperative information including what gender Lindsey
Lohan is attracted to that week (I still can't figure out how she manages to nail the "white trash 12 year old" look with such consistency... pure talent, I guess.)

I hate that I am interested in how big Heidi Montag's boobies are
or if Megan Fox has troll thumbs. When I read that Jessica Simpson hooked up with that ugly dude from smashing pumpkins, I secretly applauded her for giving up.

The sadistic part of me loved when Brittany Spears was pictured without makeup and sans hair
extensions. I admit I was a little giddy when Jennifer Aniston dumped John Mayer (she deserves so much better after what she went through with Brad.....)

These are serious global issues that must be considered - for free - at your colleges bookstore -
preferably in the back where no one can see you.

If one of my professors or someone I know see me reading this tripe, I say that I am doing a sociological project based on our communities preoccupation with social status...... or how the Culture Industry has replaced our individual rationality with a false consciousness that manipulates and represses us. Or whatever else I make up on the spot.

As I was leaving a girl claiming to be from MTV approached me and asked if I was interested in being on one of their shows. With the tabloid madness fresh in my mind, I answered, "I hate being on shows."
Out of curiosity I asked her what the show was about.
Turns out she needed extras to dance in bikinis on the set of their spring break special. Wow. I wasn't aware that I looked like a girl who would sign up for that.

Tomorrow I am leaving my nipple tassels and leather chaps at home. amen.



P.S. Heather, another website fit for your Dark Roasted Blend addiction: Listverse

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Time Well Spent

As I was reviewing my class notes for next week's Midterms, I realized that I didn't remember much from the lectures. Continuing on in my notes I discovered why:

My drawings are more detailed than my writing. :(








Thursday, March 4, 2010

I Really Like Jared

He is a fine specimen of man, especially with his shirt off.

While dating he told me "three strikes and you're out, just remember you're at number two."

He doesn't question my investments in clothing or hair product.

He can beat Age of Empires on the hardest setting. I just love when a man can beat a computer game into submission. sexy.

When praying he thanks Heavenly Father if I had good behavior that day.

He is bigger than me. I dated a couple of tiny men and just can't get over the fact that I could man-handle them.

When I say "I love you" he sometimes says "I don't care" and then we laugh for five minutes straight.

He rewards me for good behavior.

And he's pretty:





















By the way, my new eyebrow hairs are coming in quite nicely.

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