Thursday, December 30, 2010

Mormons in Vegas

Welcome to the Annual Barlocker Mormon Christmas Trip to Sin City!!!

That's right. Every year, a few days before Christmas the Barlocker's get together in one of the dirtiest cities in America.

Vegas as a Mormon is an entirely different experience.

For instance:

Latino dudes handing you porn on the street? - Simply reply with "No me gusta pinoche"

Half dressed alcoholic begging for money on the street? - Remind them "Jesus loves you" and only make fun of them when they are out of hearing range.

Tempted by the hypnotizing ring of the slot machines? - Just sneak down there at night when your parents and husband aren't there to give you disapproving stares. It's ok to gamble if it's only $10 on the Wild Unicorn slot machines right?

You are probably thinking.... If you don't collect free porn, make fun of homeless people or gamble, why go to Vegas?

1. Food
The Treasure Island buffet has Cotton Candy.

2. Shopping
My Mom and Dad love me and like to buy me stuff and things.

3. Shows
We saw Blue man group and Cirque de Soleil's Le Reve.



Also if you are pregnant you can have even more fun!!!

3. While you are throwing up in the bathroom from morning sickness, you can accidentally pee your pants. Then when you join everyone else at the table you can explain yourself. Walking back to your hotel on the strip is even more fun as you waddle along in your soiled pants. At least it was raining so moist pants were a little more common.

4. While driving home the baby can kick your bladder and make you have to pop a squat on the side of the road (namely ZZYZX road). This is even better if you have a little diarrhea. It's especially awesome when your husband promises not to watch but then totally watches the whole thing. At least I had wet naps in the car....

(Note: maternity pants are even less flattering when they're around your ankles.)

amen.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Pornographic Ultrasound

It's a Boy!

Or a really masculine girl, as my dad suggested.


Naturally, after seeing the pornographic nature of this picture, I asked my doctor if fetuses get boners.
She said they don't. Luckily. That would have been creepy.

I have already had issues coming to terms that there is a little wiener hanging out inside my body.




I was kind of hoping for a girl, but after I bought a tiny tuxedo t-shirt for the well-hung boy I felt better.








Oh yeah, here's a belly picture just for you Kenzie.

Monday, December 13, 2010

B is for Bratty

About a month ago, after my constipation issues, this pleasant conversation took place.


Office Girl: Vagina doctors of Channel Islands, how may I help you?

Me: Hi, I missed my appointment last Thursday due to extreme constipation. I need to reschedule.

OG: You didn't show up for your appointment last week? Shame on you. I will take the next few minutes to get mad at you and make you feel guilty for missing your appointment...............................................Ok, which doctor do you normally see?

Me: Dr. Ferro (the only female at that practice)

OG: oh..... well..... she is out of town this entire week.

Me: No big deal, I'll make an appointment for next week.

OG: No, that's too late, it says here that you need to have your 16 week exam.

Me: No.

OG: um.....

Me: There is no way I'm going to a male Doctor for this. I'll wait for Dr. Ferro

OG: No, it will be too late, you need to come in asap.

Me: No way.

OG: I'll schedule your appointment

Me: I don't think you understand. I have a major problem with male doctors. I sometimes have to get internal ultrasounds because of previous cysts and there is no way that is happening with a male doctor.

OG: You still need to come in.

Me: Do you even know what an internal ultrasound is?

OG: I don't think you have to have one of those.

Me: You better make sure because if I come in and have to do any vagina stuff, I'll fake constipation and leave.

OG: Please hold.................................................

OG: Ok, you only have to have an external ultrasound.

Me: No vagina stuff?

OG: No vagina stuff.

Me: Promise?

OG: Promise.

Me: K - sign me up.


Don't worry, I just called back later and rescheduled with the chic doctor.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Pee Stick

Usually if I have a huge problem or stress in my life I ignore it until is goes away. I realize this isn't necessarily a healthy coping mechanism but (normally) it works beautifully.

So almost 5 months ago when I discovered this:

... I realized that I actually didn't want this problem to go away. Very usual behavior. I have an aversion to all things that potentially cause stress or make me gain weight, and this was sure to do both of those things.

Regardless, I am 5 months knocked up next week. I am due May 2. I will find out the sex next Monday. amen.

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