Monday, February 28, 2011

B is for Butt/Wiener Vase

Last Thursday I was leaving for work and found this on my front porch:




That's right. A butt/wiener vase filled with chips and salsa.

















Completed with a ransom style note:

"You are the only one who could truly appreciate a gift like this!"

After I giggled and grinned like a fat kid for 10 minutes, a few questions came to mind.

1. Who saw this vase and immediately thought to themselves "Emily loves butts and all things inappropriate, I should give this to her...."?

2. Who is brilliant enough to fill the butt portion with chips and the peen tray with salsa?

3. Where does one find such refined decor? Surely only someplace high class like Restoration Hardware or some boutique in L.A.

4. With the anonymous nature of this gift, how will the giver know what joy and hope for mankind this present brought with it?

5. Does the giver know what kind of appreciation angry pregnant women feel towards someone who gives them food AND makes them laugh?

So many unanswered questions....
Every time I see it on my kitchen table I laugh with reverence.
amen.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Babymoons and Making Out

I was asked by a reader to give some suggestions about things knocked up women can do in Lake Powell. I feel almost overly qualified to discuss this subject as Lake Powell is where I got pregnant.
I have a pretty good idea of the location of the rock my baby was conceived behind. Actually it could have been any one of the six rocks where we snuck away to..... Which explains the unnecessary grins on our faces....



I think Lake Powell is one of the best places on earth. It is beautiful (and full of large rocks). When we go, we rent a houseboat and float around to a bunch of different campsites.

If you happen to have a huge pregnant belly you can still partake of some of my favorite L.P. activities:
  • Reading
I bring a ton of books each time I go. I especially like to read books that correlate with my surroundings such as:
Adrift - about a dude who was lost for 67 days at sea
A Sand County Almanac - written by an early conservationist and includes essays about responsible relationships between man and nature.
If you're knocked up you could bring a bunch of baby books that provide way too much info and are bound to freak you out.

  • Girlie Stuff

I love to bring spa supplies. Even though you're technically camping, LP is the perfect place for this type of crap.
I bring face and body scrubs, massage oil, deep conditioning treatments, manicure supplies, stuff for facials and whatever else I couldn't refuse at Sephora.

  • Hike

You can hike and explore everywhere. Even if you're so pregnant you can't wipe your own butt there are easy trials and walks along the beach.

  • Have Sex Behind Large Rocks

This is super fun. It doesn't hurt to bring some wet naps in your backpack for cleaning up. Just because you are in nature does not mean you need to hike around with sticky hands.

  • Nap

Take a nap in the sun with the baby-daddy. Large blocks of cuddle time will make the babymoon way better. Plus, Growing a tiny human is hard work and a little nap will never hurt anyone.

  • Stargaze/Makeout session

The night sky at LP is incredible. Bring an astronomy book if you're into that kind of nerdy thing. Then makeout. I like to makeout.

  • Swim

I suck at swimming. I am scared of open water. But... like a toddler.... throw a life jacket on me and I'm ready for some time in the refreshing water. Then makeout.

  • Flag Holding
While everyone else wakeboards you can hold the flag when someone is in the water. Tedious, but someone must do it. And since you're pregnant, you might as well get used to the fact that everyone around you gets to have fun while you're peeing and/or barfing every 10 minutes.

Jared and I went on a cruise for our Babymoon. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Seasickness + morning sickness + constipation = not that much making out.


We still had fun and it was cool to visit Belize and Honduras, as I have never been to those places before. Overall, I think our money would have been better spent on a different form of travel.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

F is for Fat

I just got back from a gyno appointment. I gained 8 1/2 pounds in 4 1/2 weeks.
I totally got in trouble. The doctor asked, Whats the deal? What have you been doing the last month? Did you quit walking?

I feel so dirty and ashamed.

I am officially banning Taco Bell and it's delicious nacho cheese from my diet.

I'm going to sulk and watch Project Runway reruns tonight.... and wear a sweatsuit.
amen.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Being Pregnant

Good: My boobs are huge
Bad: So is everything else

Good: I can feel my baby kick all the time
Bad: On my bladder and when I'm trying to sleep

Good: My hair grows faster and thicker than it ever has
Bad: Not just the hair on my head

Good: I haven't gained as much weight as I thought I would
Bad: It's because I vomited 5 months straight, and still do at random intervals

Good: I get to buy a lot of new clothes
Bad: Only because none of mine fit me anymore

Good: People are extra courteous and nice to pregnant girls
Bad: It's out of pure pity

Good: Jared and I got to take a Baby-moon cruise
Bad: It was mostly spent in the room, not having sex, but throwing up and being constipated

Good: Pregnant sex is awesome
Bad: My gynecologist saw the bike mark on my inner thigh

Good: People tell me I look great and I'm glowing
Bad: I know it's only because I wear tons of makeup and bronzer to cover the greenish tint of my tired skin and my pregnancy induced breakouts

Good: Shopping for baby clothes!
Bad: Realizing that the kid is going to poop and throw up all over them

Good:
Jared bought me a Massage Envy 3 month membership
Bad: not one thing

Good: Jared is extra sweet and nice to me, he gives me massages every night and rubs anti-stretch mark lotion on me.
Bad: The fact that I need stretch mark lotion.

Good: I don't have stretch marks
Bad: ...yet



Being pregnant sucks but ultimately it's kind of awesome. There is a little human growing in me. 23 chromosomes from me and 23 from Jared, which is pretty romantic when you think about it.

Christie (my good and funny friend who is more terrified of kids than I am),
Don't be too afraid.

love, emily

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Cal State's Finest

I officially graduated with a Bachelors in Sociology with an emphasis in Social Work from Cal State University. FINALLY.

My last class was kind of the coup de grace of all sociology classes. It is meant to incorporate everything a fine young sociology major has learned over his/her academic career. The class included a bunch of crap and a hard-core professor to harass you every step of the way.
My research topic was Children and Gender Roles. I had to do the following:

1. Complete 50 hour internship
I knew the internship had to relate to our research topic. I also knew that volunteering when you could possibly get paid was out of the question. I got my current job at the Boys and Girls Club so that I could make money while researching. 2 birds, 1 stone. No one else in my entire class tried to do this. They were all jealous that I had such foresight. Suckers.

2. Utilized Authorized Research Methods
I basically had to fill out loads of paperwork and harass my boss to complete them for 5 weeks straight. Gathering info on young kids is considered a "no-no" without written permission and contracts with CSUN.

3. Gather and Analyze Statistics
I observed the kids for over 120 hours during free play. And gathered over 150 journals pages. I then proved how awesome I am at statistics and entered all my data into into the stat program SPSS.

4. Apply Sociological Theory
I applied sociological theory.

I did an amazing job on this project and made a lame poster to go with it. Then came my presentation......

I aced it. I did an amazing job.
One week later I picked up my poster and grade. As I turned to leave the Professor told me to look closely at my poster. He asked if I saw anything wrong with it.
I'm an idiot. Embarrassing. I thought I was so cool for collecting better and more relevant data than everyone else in the class and I had to ruin it by misspelling "Roles" as "Rolls". This is basically unforgivable in the sociological realm.

Plus I bet during my whole presentation the class was thinking about fresh penis-shaped baked goods.

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