Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Childbirth Charades

I recently graduated an intensive Childbirth class (along with my BA in Sociology I should be making six figures in no time!!!)
Our Guatemalan instructor was portly, under 5 feet tall and she had an accent that made everything sound hilarious... especially the word, placenta.

I expected to be schooled in the quick and dirty art of childbirth. What I didn't expect came on the second day of class.

CHILDBIRTH CHARADES.

The baby-daddies all had to participate as the actors. They had to pick a slip of paper from the Guatemalan's glass bowl and proceed to act it out to the rest of the class.

Jared raised his hand to go first.
He picked out a piece of paper and scanned the room for props. I knew this was going to be embarrassing.
He grabbed something in his hand and stood stoically at the front of the classroom.

Jared began to walk slowly then stopped, lifted his leg like a dog about to pee, made a graphic slurping sound and dropped a wad of paper.

Another baby-daddy yelled out, "Mucus plug!!!!!!!!!" and won a point for our team. Really.

The other slips of paper included things like, water breaking (where a dude poured his water bottle all over the carpet), placenta delivery, active labor and crowning.

Nothing gets a girl more excited for childbirth than men acting out these disturbing scenarios.

I have 2 requests:

1. I am 38 weeks now and would appreciate any prayers and thoughts of goodwill towards my baby and I. I would appreciate if those thoughts included me having it before the due date of May 2nd.

2. I also need some ideas of words and/or expressions I can use in lieu of the "F", "S", and "m-effer" words while in labor. I do not want my sweet baby's entry into the world littered with my dirty language.


In the words of my hilarious friend Kelly.... it's so close to the end I can taste it..... and it tastes disgusting. amen to that.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Pregnant at the BGClub

Being pregnant at the Boys and Girls Club has been interesting. Most of these kids watch too much T.V. and/or have older brothers and sisters that fill them in on life's mysteries.

Some questions the first graders have recently asked:


Question: What are those red things all over your face? They look a little gross.

Answer: Zits, Jaun. They are zits. Sit down and be quiet.


Q: Are you going to tell your baby to sit down and be quiet when it cries?
A: Actually......Yes


Q: Does milk come out of your boobs?

A: Ask your mom

Q: What if you were going poo and the baby fell out? (obviously asked by FRANK)
A: If you only
knew..... ask your mom

Q: Would Jared be mad if the baby came out black? My auntie's baby was black and her boyfriend was really mad.

A: Yes, Jared would be mad.


Q: Why does your belly look like a basketball? Can we play with it during free time?

A: Get your Cheeto hands off my stomach.

Q: What if your baby is annoying like Kristina?

A: Don't ever say that again.

Q: Why do you have an outie bellybutton? Can we put tape on it? It looks like it's always looking at us.
A: It is looking at you...

And how could I forget this gem of a conversation?

Kid: I know how your baby got in there......
Me: No you don't.

Kid: yeah I do.
Me: Fine. How?

Kid: S-E-X.

Me: ........ ask your mom.



My last day of work was yesterday. Bittersweet.
Considering I am 38 weeks pregnant I figured I should gracefully bow out now while I don't have body fluids coming out everywhere. I do not want to field questions about amniotic fluid or colostrum.
amen.

Monday, April 4, 2011

It's True


I don't remember where I found this picture, but it's probably true. And kudos to the scientists who discovered this essential fact.

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