Friday, May 20, 2011

Hot or Not.com: A Love Story

I have a confession.

Jared and I met on the internet.

It's true. While most of our close friends and family are now privy to this information, it was kept under wraps for a few years after we met.
Back in 2004, meeting people on the internet was considered taboo (at least within my social circle) and strictly reserved for 14 year old girls and pedophiles.
So, we kept our relationship's origins a secret. We were so embarrassed that we didn't even tell my parents.
Only Jared's roommates and 2 of my closest friends knew. And my 2 friends were also my bridesmaids and threatened to expose us during their toasts at my reception. Instead they gave a witty toast alluding to it without giving us away.

Without further explanation -
Hot or Not.com: A Love Story

Once upon a time my brother Jake and I decided to play Hotornot.com. After making fun of people and rating their pictures for an undisclosed amount of time, I decided to create my own account....

We took a picture of me in my pajamas when I just woke up after a pretty rough night. It looked like this:

After a week the verdict was in. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the hottest, the hot or not community thought I was a 9.4. oh yes, you read that right. 9.4.
Another element of hot or not includes a profile where you can write about yourself and email other people. My profile read something like this:

I am failing math 1010 for the second time at the University of Utah. I enjoy humming Mormon children's songs, snowboarding better than you and playing naked twister. Please contact me if you will tutor me in Math for free. I work at a blood lab and don't have much money because I just bought a snowboard pass. P.S. I have a bad attitude.

Before long I was offered free tutoring from a dude with a handsome profile pic. of him in a speedo, cowboy hat and leather vest. sexy.

Jared offered free math tutoring.... but we we ended up just making out in the hot tub. I failed math that semester.

What began as an embarrassing internet love match soon blossomed into weekly make-out sessions, which then turned into engagement and then marriage and lobster underpants on our wedding night. Precious!

Tomorrow is our 6 year anniversary. amen.

This picture of Jared has nothing to do with this post, he is just being manly and carrying a tree.

Friday, May 13, 2011

My Mom is Better Than Your Mom: Part II

My mom flew out from Salt Lake City and spent 2 weeks with me after I had the baby. Like I said, my mom is WAY better than your mom. Actually my mom could totally beat your mom up.

AND my dad surprised us by showing up a few days before my mom left to meet the baby. He wasn't going to come to California but showed up at my house at 1 in the morning. I love being my parents favorite child.

I would have been a raging mess without my mom. I have been a nanny, worked with kids a lot and am the second oldest of 7 kids. I thought I had a pretty good idea of how to wrangle a baby. Turns out I lacked the special tricks mom's know.

  • Babies like to be sung to, even if you suck at singing.
  • Don't use cold water to wash them
  • Wash the butt last.
  • Tuck the wienie down.
  • Eat a ton of food so you have giant monster tits to breastfeed with.
  • Breast pads can double as coasters.
  • Treat poop stains immediately or your baby will be wearing yellow-tinged clothing.
  • Resign yourself to the fact that you are going to be changing diapers 10 to 567 times a day.

She even spent Mother's day taking care of me and my sweet little old man pee-baby. Dang I'm lucky.

Meet Pee-Baby

This is Ryan James Scott. Also known as crooked nose, milk-face and pee-baby.
He was born 5 days early April 27, 2011 after I drank a generous amount of Castor oil.



(I would expand on the birth story but I like to keep things classy in this blog, so you'll just have to use your imagination.....it includes ample amounts of blood and pain, emergency surgery on my kooter, only one use of the "f" word, 1 1/2 week long recovery complete with pain pills that made me dumber than usual, and a stunned/angry baby.)
















He had a really crooked nose when he was born. I assume my body squished him out of pure rage from being pregnant. It has straightened out now which is kind of a miracle because his face is squished up against my giant boobs every 3 hours.

I also callhim milk-face because after he eats, he looks like a crazed rabid squirrel with milk all over his little face. Funny or gross? I'm going to say it's a little of both.


Pee-baby got this moniker after my mom and I went to the movies with him. He peed all over himself after I forgot to tuck his baby-peen down in the diaper. I did'nt realize he peed until Thor was almost over. I went to change him and found newborn urine saturated through his clothes and 2 layers of blankets. The grossest part was that his umbilical stump thing was all soggy from the pee bath. bleh..... hence, pee-baby.




The best part about pee-baby/Ryan is that he smiles when I talk to him or kiss him. Either he is responding to my voice or has rather well timed gas.

amen.

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