Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Decorating with Poo

My baby is disgusting. All he does is fart, poo, pee, spit up and suck on my boobs. Ryan is so fowl that from now on he will only be referred to as "baby".

Today he spit up all over my tits. My boobs were not happy to have their milk rudely given back.

One early morning at 2 a.m. I was woken up by Baby. I fed him and then politely set him on the changing table to get down to business. Baby was farting and pooping the whole time I was feeding him so I was not excited to discover what awaited me in his diaper.

I slowly peeled back the Velcro fasteners and opened one eye to assess the damage.

There lay a small round puddle of baby turd.

I began wiping up only to notice baby's face turning bright red. Squeezing his eyes in extreme concentration he let out a labored grunt. The next thing I knew, everything in a 3 foot radius was splattered with grainy baby poop.


I yelled out to Jared, HELP! HELP!

He woke up and hurried to my aid. He diapered Baby up and changed his poo/pee drenched clothing.

I surveyed the explosion.

I had no idea that baby was actually an elite pastry chef in his former life.
Dollops of feces frosting coated the changing table and bed. He had embellished the bed spread with intricate rosebuds every few inches. The array of squirt lines were crisp and professional. He was a master decorator with the piping bag, only instead of the piping bag he used his butt.

amen.


Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Bumpin Uglies

What I'm about to expose you to may change your life, and not necessarily for the better.

If there is one thing I'm amazing at (outside the bedroom) it's drawing nasty, nasty pictures.

My nerdy brother, Matthew, or as I like to call him, Beaster, is a computer programmer. He is pretty ugly so it's a good thing he's smart. Beaster and I have been working on this app for months. He has been programming while I've been busy thinking up filthy things and drawing them. Some of the characters are so fowl I can smell them.

Who would have guessed that my seemingly useless talent would land me a position as Creative Director for one of the most messed up iphone applications to date? Finally I can cross getting paid to draw dirty pictures off my life's to do list.


Enter BUMPIN UGLIES. This is the website.
Check out the preview and download it here.
You get to customize your own uglies then trade them with your friends and/or enemies.

Let's all take a moment of silence to contemplate the beauty of my artwork...........

This is an open invitation to bump my ugly so you better download it if you have an ipod, iphone or ipad. If you don't I will take it as a personal insult that you refuse to bump uglies with me and repercussions are sure to follow. I will send you hate email.

PLUS if enough people download it the investors will buy me an iphone. I am desperately uncool and would be so much more popular/pretty/cool at church if I had one.

Join our facebook page too.
Also, check out this lame video about it on youtube.

Let me know if you have any ideas or suggestions that would make the game better.

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