Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Plog

I dont know if you've heard about this new phenomenon or not. Probably not, because I am clearly on the cutting edge of all things poop.
One of my fellow "in-the-know" friends, Kelly, introduced me to it. If It came from her it is definitely going to be all the rage..... I think she is even cool enough to wear Toms shoes. Plus, I know her from my awesome church, so she is legit.

Ready?!?!?

It's called a Plog. You know, a Poop Log.......Where you take a piece a paper, a pen and your potty-training child and follow him/her around all day. Then you keep a ledger or log, if you will, of the detailed workings of your child's butthole and urethra.

For example:

8:25 sat, nothing
8:50 clenching, sat nothing
9:45 saw treats, wanted one, went pee

10:55 tiny skid mark, clenching tried, no poop

11:25 pee accident
11:45 little poo in pants, sat nothing
12:00 pee accident
1:00 tiny poop in pants, sat nothing, then pee in toilet
1:30 asked to try, nothing
2:15 said tummy hurt, sat nothing
2:50 clenching, poop on bum but not on underwear sat, nothing

4:05 tiny pee drop in underwear sat, nothing
4:50 pee accident
5:30 try nothing
6:15 "
6:30





Day #2
8:00 woke up full diaper pee
8:10 tried, nothing
9:40 clenching, underpants clean, nothing

10:20 pee accident

10:45 clenching, clean underwear, nothing

11:15 pee accident
12:00 clenching, clean, nothing

12:10 "
1:10 clenching, pee + poop in toilet

2:20 tried to pee, 3 tiny drops






Dont forget to include what you found in their underwear/diaper/bum. Feel free to enumerate the drops of urine your subject delivers.
Also, include any clenching that may be going on. If you feel like it, include what orifice is doing the clenching. Don't be embarrassed to note skid marks.

You can even do this with your spouse, siblings or other family members.... which is why I'm totally bringing my pen and notebook when I visit my family next month. We've been trying to potty train my little sisters for years.

Above all, remember, this is your Plog, be as creative as you want.

Please note Cutter's 3.84615% success rate! Go Cutter!
(By the way, Cutter is one of the cutest, funniest, most entertaining kids I have ever had the pleasure of egging on. I wish I had a picture of him that didn't show him in his underpants and I would totally post it.)

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Baby Bald Spot

4 1/2 months old and balding. This cannot be good.
The bald spot that babies get on the back of their heads makes me crazy.


It makes me feel like a bad mom because it appears like all I do is lay him in his crib to rub the hair off all day. But I would never lay him in his crib all day. I totally move him to his pack-n-play. If he's behaving himself I even lay him on his playmat.

Baby Ryan has super fuzzy hair too. His little back looks like a fuzzy peach.... well, that or a mole rat... but I prefer peach.

He is also talented at growing a healthy mullet. I was really hoping that the White Trash gene was recessive but no such luck.

(yes, that is a baby straight-jacket that we tied him up in to give him the buzz.... don't judge.)

This is the second haircut Jared has given him. Jared tried to go all "professional" on him and give him a man haircut complete with a fade up the sides.

Now Cryin' Ryan looks like a 35 year old man with a drooling problem. If Baby is going to age that quickly, the least he could do is stop pooping his pants. amen to stopping pooping of the pants.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Origami Vagina

Normally when you go on a Caribbean cruise, your room steward cleans your cabin and leaves you cute towel origami animals. It is precious.

Our October 2010 Babymoon was no different.














In the beautiful country of Belize, we skipped traditional shore excursions and made our way to a grocery store. I was pregnant and severely constipated and I needed some prune juice STAT. It was a lovely way to spend the day.

I waddled back to the ship and downed the prune juice. I chugged 1 litter in less than 3 minutes.

On top of constipation, I had wicked morning sickness. I promptly threw up the entire contents of my stomach....all over our tiny bathroom.


Purple frothy vomit blanketed everywhere but the toilet, where I was aiming.

I cleaned up the best I could with the travel handwipes I stole from the buffet.
It wasn't the best cleaning job I have ever done. I had to get out of the room before I started dry heaving from the smell.

We left and camped out on the deck for a few hours, feeling only slightly guilty for leaving the bathroom speckled with slop.
We headed back to the room to get ready for dinner.

We walked into our cabin and found this:

An origami vagina.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Feg's Wedding

My little sister Megan, who I usually call Fegan, Feg, Fegalicious or Feg-feg (because it made her cry when she was little) was married this summer.


Doesn't Fegan look ravishing?

Weddings in the Barlocker family are usually sprinkled with inappropriateness. Because I had Cryin' Ryan only 4 weeks before, I was unceremoniously left out of Feg-feg's wedding shenanigans.

An entire dance routine turned out to be the highlight of Fegalicious's reception.

Take a look at this nightmare:


Be so kind and to note the facial expression on the middle brother's face.
Have you ever seen someone so delighted with themselves?

Turns out, my three socially inept brothers spent a buttload of cash to rent these tasteful Englishmen costumes. Oddly enough, the outfits came with bad English accents, which my brothers used throughout the night.

I couldn't miss out on the fun. I later broke out some awesome moves on the dancefloor.... baby bjorn and all.
My family's weddings can beat up your family's weddings. amen.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Sugar Titty

Pee-baby is a little quitter.

Recently he has quit his pacifier, which sucks more than you can imagine.
He has also quit sleeping through the night, quit behaving for more than 8 minutes at a time, and quit enjoying car rides.
He also quit having hair on the back of his head. He is now sporting a stylin' baby bald spot.

(This is not Cryin' Ryan, but the bald spot does look exactly like this.... minus the green headband.)

Most notably, he has also decided to quit nursing from my left boob.

You read that right... he will not latch on my left boob.

Though I am all for voluptuous breasts, my
full left breast next to the empty right one is not really what I had in mind.

But, no need to fear! Jared's Grandma to the rescue!
She told us about the good ol' days when people gave their babies the sugar titty. really.
Jared asked her to repeat herself.... 5 times..... I think Jared just liked hearing his grandma say "titty".

Turns out, a sugar titty is a actually a pretty reasonable solution to Baby Ryan's poor behavior. You put sugar or honey in a piece of fabric, twist it, then tie it in a knot. Then the baby sucks on it.... hence "sugar tit". Seriously. Google it. I'm pretty sure filling your baby up with empty calories has no negative repercussions.

I bet you were anticipating a much dirtier picture... but my mom read this blog. amen.

And apart from the fact that sugar rots their mouths and honey has the potential to cause brain damage, it seemed like a really good idea. Thanks for ruining everything Kelly.

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