Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Sausages with Muffin top on the Side

I went to Utah for a few days to spend Thanksgiving with my family.
My family is not shy when it come to eating really good food.... lots of it.

Every time I visit Utah I gain weight. I have no self control when we go out to eat all the time, have delicious snacks at the house and have homemade caramel popcorn available at any time. Plus, Salt Lake City has abundant Taco Times and their burritos are better than sex a lot of things.

This time I had an amazing idea.
I recently lost enough baby weight to fit back into my pre-pregnancy "skinny jeans". It was a tight fit but with a little prayer and a lot of sucking in I stuffed my sausage thighs into the leg holes.

Here's the plan:

1. Only bring jeans to Utah that fit perfectly.
2. Have no other clothing options available.
3. I would be forced to eat healthy and maintain my weight or I would have to go naked from the waist down.

Turns out, this is the worst idea ever.

After a few hours with my family at the an amazing Thai restaurant, the jeans no longer fit perfectly. Actually, I now looked like those skanky teenage girls you see in the mall. You know exactly what I'm talking about. The ones who wear jeans WAY too tight because they think they look hot.  Yeah, that was me. (except that I'm 27 and have a child)

Great.












Thanksgiving was still in the plans so I knew I wouldn't be dropping the lbs. anytime soon.

So for the rest of the trip I waddled around in my sausage casing. One pair of jeans were literally coming apart at the seams.... on the inner thigh. sexy.

Mission Failed.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Dirty Language @ the Boys and Girls Club

This is probably one of the most poignant moments during my tenure at the Boys and Girls Club. 

I had a 6 foot long piece of bright yellow butcher paper, stolen from the teachers supply room. I was running the Peace Builders program and the manual had suggested this activity to reduce bad words and put-downs.

I put the paper on the floor and had the first graders gather around it.
We discussed why we shouldn't say bad words or mean things to other people. 

Then I asked the kids to name some things we shouldn't say. I was going to write them all on the huge paper and then the kids could all help rip it up, symbolizing their resolve to not say mean things.


Miss Emily: What are some things we shouldn't say to each other?

Kid 1: You are not good at soccer.

Kid 2: You look gross.

Kid 3: You suck.

Kid 4: I'm not going to be your friend.

Kid 5: You can't play with us.


Miss Emily: Good job! What else should we write down?


Honest Kid: You shouldn't say, "Mother Fu*ker"



I put my head down to hide my delighted laughter. 
I took a few minutes to compose myself.


Miss Emily: Um, yeah.... we shouldn't say that..... let's not write that one down though...

Kid 3: What's a "Mother Fu*cker"?

(Silence)

Miss Emily: ..........Who wants recess!?!


Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thanksgiving Dinner Conversation Starters

You know how people who have fancy dinner parties sometimes pass out conversation starters? Well I decided to make my family dinner more interesting with some homemade convo starters of my own. Take that Martha Stewart.


I pulled out some of my mom's fanciest paper and most expensive pen and got to work. Feel free to use my ideas to spice up your own Thanksgiving.

Here are a few of my most brilliant:

  • How many run-ins with the law will my brother Jake have in 2012? (You can substitute Jake for a member of your family who is frequently arrested.)
  • Which person in the room would you most like to fight and why?
  • Would you rather pee your pants at church once a month or be called "Splatter Pants" for the rest of your life?
  • What are your 10 most favorite things about Emily?
  • If you had to change someones pants in the room, who would it be? (This question is especially relevant considering there is more than one person with incontinence problems who will be attending tomorrow.)
  • What was your favorite part about puberty?
  • Why are you better than everyone else in the room?


I have a feeling Thanksgiving will be an eventful holiday.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Ryan the Gnome

No less than 10 people have told me that my baby looks like an elf or a gnome.


 When I was pregnant I remember wishing that my baby would resemble a fairy tale creature. 


Thanks a lot Jerkoffs.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

LDS Halloween Rave

We are really hard partiers, so for Halloween we hit up our LDS Ward Halloween party! It was insane!!! I myself have never been to a rave, but I'm sure they are similar to what I experienced last Saturday.

  • Local parishioners were almost in a coma from the chili cook-off. I'm sure some of them overdosed.
  • Little children were foaming at the mouth from the amount of candy they had inhaled. 
  • We had to cut a few people off after they had too many waters. 
  • And, there was an older lady waving glow sticks. 

Honestly, I was surprised the cops didn't show up. 

Our little ward is full of new people so we had a "youtube" video screening. Every family made a youtube-esque video, and we all watched them while we ate. 

I hate being on video so I made this slideshow masterpiece....
Here is some stuff you probably would be better off not seeing:


video

Don't forget our consignment store costumes:


The answer is yes, that is a mustache Jared is sporting.... and no, I did not make love to him for the 3 weeks he was growing it. 


Clearly, Ryan was not as amused by his costume as I was.
amen.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Chucky's Hack Job

Chucky has long hair. I hate hair.


So every couple of weeks we do this to him:




He feels so insecure after we do it. 



Poor Chucky.

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