Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Meet Melanie


    • She is Cryin Ryan's surrogate Aunt since none of his other aunts love him enough to move to California.
    • She takes better care of Ryan than I do.
    • Jared has trusted  only two people to babysit Ryan, she is one of them.
    • She comes over to help me pack, work and organize.
    • Lucky for her, she fits in my pre-baby weight clothing.
    • Ryan adores her.  
    • She is cute, smiley and awesome.
    • She reads my blog and doesn't tattletale on me when I'm bad/nasty.
    • She gave me this for Christmas:


    That's right suckers. That's what happens when you look so desperate that cute girls from your church pity you.
    Free babysitting for 2012.

    To garner other's sympathy and pity, all you mom's should try looking like a scared lost puppy when you hold your child. When your baby cries... cry harder. When the baby pees his pants... pee harder. And remember,

    Pity = Free stuff
      
    AND on top of the free childcare, she gave me cookies.



      Friday, January 27, 2012

      Bits of Love from my Sisters

      I dug into my old box again and found the following:



       Emily, When she wakes up
      (yes, that is a swastika on my shirt)
      By Sara

       Emily, the evil fat elf
      J.L. = Jiffy Lube
       By Rachel


      By Megan


       Emily-
      I missed you so bad don't ever go away again. O.k. O.k. Oh and where did you go? And I cried when you left so that would be 1 reason for you not to leave again. Then I was in the shower and I was crying in the shower, well see you later
      Love/ 1 of your sisters
      P.S. try to find out who I am (smiley face)
      By Sara



      This little gem is also from Megan:



      But upon closer inspection:


      What What WHAT?!

      Tuesday, January 24, 2012

      My Old Box

      I have this whole box of old stuff.
      It is filled wonderful treasures from my life.

      When I am feeling extra douchey, I look through it to remind myself what a bad-a** I am.

      Maybe it's the old pair of brass knuckles that really gets me pumped:



      Or maybe all the love notes from Jared:

      Everyday we spend together I love you more and more (even days when you are on your period) Thank you for marrying me, you make me the happiest. Love, Jared

      Or it could be the inappropriate letters/pictures from my good friends and family.





      Either way I feel awesomeness pulsing through my veins after I'm done going through it.
      Everyone should cultivate an old box. 

      Sunday, January 22, 2012

      F is for Fart

      I'm disgusting.
      This is what happened when Jared and his grandma were driving home with me:





      Tuesday, January 17, 2012

      Do the Roar, I love you Daddy

      What is creepier?
      That Pee-Baby giggles like a schoolgirl when he hears this:



       Or that I say it to him 100+ times a day?


      .....Yeah, I can't decide either. 

      Sunday, January 15, 2012

      Poo-on-the-Go

      Pee baby normally has pretty good control over his butthole.
      I can count on two hands the times he's had explosive poo and crapped out of his diaper.
      This leads me to believe he plans it out.

      In his quest to make my life more difficult he has had angry/vengeful poops in the following places:

      • At the airport
      • At San Diego's Wild Animal Park
      • At a church activity
      • At my Grandpa's funeral
      • At the Boys and Girls Club
      • At the airport again
      He has only exploded out of his diaper once while at home.
      His tendency to sputter feces in public is a little suspicious. This pattern is too coincidental to be just a random accident. He does it on purpose.
      I bet he likes it. Look at his devious grin.



       Nasty little punk






       He likes to make my life harder

      Since I am not a fan of turd parades, I propose that Huggies make an explosion-proof diaper:

       Bam. Problem solved. 
      amen.

      Tuesday, January 10, 2012

      Jared Turns 33

       Dang I am an awesome wife.
      Yesterday was Jared's birthday. We both had the day off so I planned an extravaganza for him.


      He woke up to this poster:

      I got him this sweet NorthFace Fleece he's been wanting and some gummy orange slices. I'm thoughtful like that. 
      We got to Santa Barbara, strapped on pee-baby and wasted time skipping down main street.

      The amount of homeless people has at least doubled since I was there a few months ago.
      Ryan got his first high off all the marijuana smoke in the air. I think he liked it. Check out his red eyes and stoned smile:


      I cant wait to write this milestone down in his baby book!!!

      We went to this store that had 90% off all Christmas Junk Food. You read that right... 90% off.
       


      We got way too much stuff. Jared was embarrassed at the cashier so we played it off like we were buying it for the Boys and Girls club.

      I let Jared pick out the restaurant. We've been wanting to try this awesome Cajun place but Jared had another idea.

      I guess the dirty sex we had wasn't enough. He wanted to get even dirtier and eat at this super-nasty hole-in-the-wall taco dump.


      Authentic Mexican Tacos.

      Their menu includes beef, pork, steamed beef, head, cheek, lip, tongue, and eye. Yep... you choose the body part and they'll put it in a corn tortilla for you.

      Jared got a ton of stuff. I could barely get down 2 pork tacos. I didn't trust any place that cooked head, eyes and lips in the same vicinity as my meat. It looked suspicious.

      I'll try almost anything... but not when my feet are sticking to the restaurant floors and it smells like roasted eyeballs.

      We came home and watched a movie, Horrible Bosses, which was one of the dumbest movies ever.
      amen.

      Saturday, January 7, 2012

      Meet Gramps

      My Grandpa Earl died last week. He was in a car accident. Bleh. 


      People dying sucks. 
      I was glad that I got to see him on Thanksgiving.
      I had to fly to Utah immediately for the funeral. The circumstance was heartbreaking but it was good to see family I haven't seen for years. My Grandma held it together like a champ. She is definitely my favorite Grandma.


      Some things you should know about Earl Groneman:
      • He smelt like Old Spice and Listerine
      • He grew apples that would make the serpent in the Garden of Eden jealous
      • He was a dirty, dirty Democrat but loved Mitt Romney
      • He only wore skinny ties
      • He called every girl "Myrtle" (I suspect it was because he couldn't remember their names)
      • He turned his hearing aids down when he was sick of you
      • He liked to go fishing. I know this because he made me watch hours and hours of his fishing videos from Alaska.... HOURS.
      • He once set off a bomb in Liberty park
      • He forwarded so many emails I had to put him on my spam list. He called them "Daily Gems" but I think a better name would have been "Hourly Annoyances", now I miss them
      • His middle name is Rose, like me
      • He died in the car accident while on his way to volunteer at an LDS temple which he had done for 30 years
      • He thought he was younger than he actually was, evidenced by him climbing on his roof, jumping into the backs of large pick-up trucks and helping neighbors build fences
      • He came to all of his grand-kids soccer games, dance recitals and court dates
      • He could make killer bread and pancakes
      • He gave me a jar of rhubarb jam  the last time I saw him... I think I'm going to save it as a memento, preserved jam stays good for years right?
      • He was a really nice and good guy
      • He was down for almost everything... even dressing up like a pirate for one of Jared's birthdays


       Love you and see you soon Gramps. amen.

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