Monday, March 26, 2012

Eating Sperm

Smartgirls @ the Boys and Girls Club.
Every Friday at 4:00pm.
We were discussing "Honesty".......and out of nowhere.....
a fourth grade girl (10 years old) raised her hand in the middle of the class.

She asks, "What is Sperm?" (Sidenote: Is Sperm capitalized or not? A person is a proper noun and since sperm can become a person does that qualify it for capitalization? In my book, yes.)


My jaw drops. 



Sperm Girl: You said we can ask whatever questions we want.

Knows-way-too-much Girl: I know what it is!

Miss Emily: Alright... enlighten us.

KWTM Girl: ok. so the boy does this to his thing (she was totally making the jerk-off gesture with her hands) and then a white stuff comes out..... oh yeah, and it"s safe to eat.


My jaw drops further.


Miss Emily: who told you that?

KWTM Girl: My older sister

Sperm Girl: Is that true Miss Emily?

Miss Emily: um....yes. 

Sperm Girl: You can really eat it?

Miss Emily: well...um....you probably shouldn't.




And then we finished our talk about honesty. amen.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Meet Marianne and her Stained Crotch

I have a confession to make.
Jared is not Cryin Ryan's real Dad.....


My friend Marianne is.

Jared did not appreciate my honesty when I revealed this to him. I should have gone on the Jerry Springer show. 

Why does my baby look more like my friend than like me?
Probably because she has ninja sperm. 

Marianne is one of my best friends. We have known each other for 10 years. We have been friends for 9 1/2 of those 10 years. (We got in a fight cause I ditched her, then, when I needed a ride to the University of Utah I said I was sorry and we made up.)

She lives in Nebraska and works for some company that makes her travel a lot. She tricked them into giving her Southern California as part of her territory.
Essentially, her company pays her to come visit me. 

She sings like Joss Stone, only better. Her voice is like a Black girl trapped in an extremely white person's body. She's got soul and a ghetto booty to show for it.


Last Thursday she showed up to my house with a stained chotch.



 


She dropped a piece of chocolate in her car and it melted onto her privates. 

This is pretty typical Marianne behavior. Which is why we are friends. 


 Ryan is such a perv. amen. 

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Guilty-Kid

I was in the office minding my own business, when a staff member came in and told me we had "a situation".

He was laughing so hard I could barely understand him.

Then one of the kids waddled in with a guilty look on his face.
He looked like he was smuggling a burrito in the back of his pants.
Instantly the office smelled like a racoons had died and rotted in the corner. There was a huge dump in his little kid pants.

I eyed the kid suspiciously.
I asked "Do I need to call your mom?"
He nodded yes.



The following conversation took place:

Me: Hi, It's Emily  from the Boys and Girls Club. Is this guilty-kid's mom?

Kid's Mom: yes.

Me: Um... guilty-kid needs to be picked up.

Kid's Mom: I get off work in 1 1/2 hours...

Me: Nope. He needs to picked up now.

Kid's Mom: Why?

Me: He had an ummmmmm.... accident.

Kid's Mom: What accident?

Me: In his pants....

Kid's Mom: Oh! He peed his pants.

Me: Nope. He number two'ed his pants. 

Kid's Mom: I'll be right there.


AWKWARD. 
The whole time I was thinking: MUST. NOT. LAUGH.

I asked guilty-kid if he wanted to go to the bathroom and clean up.
He nodded yes. But then he just stood there. waiting. for me to come help him.

"This is something you're going to have to do by yourself.... I'm not allowed in the boy's bathroom."

He still did not move.

"Go." I pointed to the bathroom.

Then he waddled bow-legged out of the office leaving a fowl stink in his wake. I sprayed fabreze.

I am thinking about ordering a box of these hats to keep in the BGC office. Is that crossing the line?

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