Monday, April 23, 2012

Meat Candle

My parents took my awesome brother Jake to Ruths Chris Steakhouse.
Its a deliciously expensive way to eat cow flesh.

He ordered the Ribeye steak. It was love at first sight. It was so big and succulent he could not finish it.

He happily shuffled home with his new favorite thing ever. His leftovers.

The next day Jake called me and described each bite of his delicious meal. He sounded like he was describing a porno. "It was so juicy and soft as butter", "I didn't want to stop but I had to", "It was brown on the outside and a perfect pink in the middle with just a touch of red".......


Side note:

One thing you should know about Jake is that he is a survivalist. He likes nature and killing things in it. His garage is also a laboratory. Jake researches and develops new ways to survive on next to nothing.
He has recently been testing different natural materials for starting fire. It's all very scientific.

Back to the story:

Jake ate the rest of his beloved Ribeye. He was now left with the bloody meat juice at the bottom of the take out box.

Not wanting to waste good blood juice, Jake dipped a cotton ball in it. After the cotton ball was sopping Jake took refuge in his laboratory/garage.

He lit the cotton ball on fire.

He called me immediately.

Jake: Dude!!! I just thought of the best thing EVER!

Emily: What? Getting a job?

Jake: No...... I made a meat candle. I soaked up the extra meat water from my Ribeye with a cotton ball and I'm burning it right now!

Emily: Um..... Good Job?

Jake: It smells so delicious. I wish I could smell this the rest of my life. I wish you were in Utah so you could experience this with me. You don't understand how inspiring this smell is, I can die happy now, I bet this is what heaven smells like... etc.

He bragged about his meat candle for 45 minutes. That is all.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Stink-fruit

We have a guava tree. And it smells like shit.
There is no way around it. 

Jared thinks he's a connoisseur of fine fruit trees and picked this charmer up a couple of years ago. 


While beautiful, this tree spawns fruit with a smell that makes you want to repent. 

I cannot express my hatred of it enough. It smells like dead lizards rotting inside a human digestive tract mixed with the flesh of a 3 week old hippopotamus carcass. For realsies.



It is awful.

Every so often Jared skips into our house with a handful of stink-fruit and leaves them on the kitchen counter for me. 

Earlier today, I had just cleaned the kitchen. I left for a minute to take a duece and when I returned and a wall of foulness hit me. 5 guavas sat smugly on my counter.

I was offended. 

I was so offended that I'm not even going to go to church for a few weeks.

amen.


Sunday, April 8, 2012

Douche Shirt

Raise your hand if you love baby clothes!!! 
If you could see me now, I would be raising my hand like a first grader who knows the answer. 

I'm a little picky when it comes to dressing Ryan. I like plain basic pieces in tan, white, blue or grey. 
Easy and Simple, everything matches. Done.

I HATE HATE HATE baby clothes with cutesy printed nonsense like:
  • Daddy's #1 Super Best Friend
  • World's Greatest Milk Drinker 
  • Grandma Loves me the Most and I'm the Cutest Grandchild
  • Mommy's little wuss
I also hate hipster babies.
I was at a little girl's birthday party and this one chic had her  baby boy dressed up in white jeans and a green v-neck shirt with a little scarf around his neck. He totally looked like a pansy. Hip baby was probably on his way to Starbucks to meet other hipster babies and take ironic pictures.   

Douche bag babies are the worst.
You know what I'm talking about..... Jersey Shore style - dragon prints, rhinestones, hardcore skulls, black scribbles, embellished denim, and angel wings. Oh my.


I bought this cute little shirt thinking how awesome it would look with Cryin Ryan's drool all over it.
It's like a little man shirt.

I took it home and washed it. When I put it away I noticed something unsavory..... black lettering covered the back... I flipped it over and indeed this was a douche bag shirt.

I closed my eyes and shook my head.

After a moment of inner conflict between my resolve to not waste things/money and my hatred of all things douche, I decided to make the best of it. 

If I am going to do something, I'm going to do it 100% 
When Pee-Baby wears this shirt he will embody a true douche. 




....Blow-out and all. Clearly, I'm not messing around. amen.

 

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