Christmas Pooghnut

My parents were in charge of the Annual Barlocker Christmas Party this year.

My Dad's side of the family and anyone else lucky enough to bear the name "Barlocker" is invited.

These parties are usually peppered with inappropriateness and too many kids to count. Like most Mormons, I don't even know how many cousins I have.

We rented out a lodge up Mill Creek Canyon in Utah. There was a huge fireplace and an epic sledding hill.
Santa even came to visit!

I look so much better in pictures that are blurry.

 But the highlight of my night was this:

 The Christmas Pooghnut

After dinner, my mom whipped up some homemade doughnuts while everyone else went sledding.  Isn't my mom the 2nd best mom ever!?!?! (I am #1)

Mom was frying the doughnuts when she decided to get all fancy and try to make one of those twisted doughnuts.

Needless to say, her doughnut twist looked more like Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo.

She showed me and I immediately knew I had to cover it in chocolate frosting. Since it was fresh from the fryer, the frosting melted and gave the Pooghnut a realistic slipperiness.

  

We tried to give it to my 3 year old nephew. He stared suspiciously at the Pooghnut, then said,

"Um...... that is not a doughnut."

 I offered it to all the kids as they came in from sledding. No takers.

Luckily, the Pooghnut was not wasted. My favorite brother Jake happily ate it up as all our little cousins watched with horror.

My mom didn't try to make any other fancy doughnuts for the rest of the night.

 My baby is so cute. amen.

Stan the Tree Ornament

A few years ago I made my mom some dumb little ornaments for Christmas.
I saw some at Anthropologie and thought it would be easy enough to copy.

They turned out like a 5 year old's first sewing project.
I was frustrated and decided to make my mom something awesome to make up for my lame felt houses and the too-trendy owl.


Meet Stan.

Isn't he precious? 

I suspect Stan is quite the voyeur. Every time I am in the room with him, I can feel his beady little eyes staring at me.  But in a cute way... not the creepy way.

Every year he straddles a branch on one of my parent's trees.

 This year my dad gave me $200 to decorate one of the other trees. It was fun letting my inner Martha Stewart out..... especially since I didn't have to pay for it.

 It has been snowing while I've been here in Utah and I am stoked. I like snow as much as I like lipgloss.

  I should totally open up an etsy shop to sell Stan ornaments, right?

Girl Crush

Is it so wrong to have a girl crush?

I'm married (to a man) but I can definitely appriciate another good looking female.

I think I like pretty girls more than my husband does. 

Chances are if you are a girl I know, I have probably checked you out on multiple occasions.

Kristen Cavaleri

 I want to hate her, but she is so pretty that I can't.

Minka Kelly is the reason I watch the show Parenthood.

Oh Natalie Portman, I love you.

 I already have a pick-up line ready if I ever meet her.

 

And my favorite pretty girl, Alessandra Ambrosio.

 

Now I feel like a perv. 

amen.

 

Ear Plugs

This Friday I am flying to my hometown in Salt Lake City, Utah.
Pee-baby is coming with me.

That means 3 hours on a plane with a toddler. 

Pre-motherhood, I HATED flying when kids were on the plane. HATED IT. Actually, now that I am a mother, I still hate it.

I always sat as far away as I could get from them. Kids were the plague to me.

I always packed a sturdy pair of earplugs and a backup pair in case of emergency. I would get so worked up if a kid even moved, let alone make any noise.

I would secretly trash talk them in my mind:

• How dare people think it's OK to bring their crying baby on a plane with 100 other people? 

• Why is the 8 year old yelling? Did you really not bring anything for him to do? Not even a frieking coloring book? Really?

• I would love to read my awesome Kurt Vonnegut book, but I cant, because your kids are too ugly.

• Your 4 year old, with in-flight ADD, is pounding on the chair in front of him. If I was that person, I would bite him. Did you not even think to bring tranquilizers? (For the kid AND the dude sitting in front of him?)

• I hate your kid.

Now I am the culprit.

Ryan has been on a plane before but he was still a tiny baby and slept the whole time.

I have a feeling that will not be the case this time. I don't trust this kid for a minute:

Out of consideration for others I packed a bag of earplugs for my fellow passengers.
I plan on giving them an apology before the plane even takes off, then I will offer the earplugs. Hopefully they won't hate my guts at the end of the flight.

I bought a bunch of new toys, snacks, and a DVD player to keep him occupied. I will also firmly cross my fingers before I step on the plane.

I think I'm still going to bring kid tranquilizers.... just in case.

I Like Things

 
As a Mormon, I adhere to church standards regarding finances.
 I pay a 10% tithing and avoid debt like I avoid rape. Maybe the words "thithing" and "rape" should not be used in the same sentence........

We budget, save, invest.....blah, blah, blah.

The LDS church also advises it's members to be charitable. We also try not to covet or be greedy. Our focus should not be on acquiring material goods, but on helping others and being self-sufficient. 

It's not wrong to have and enjoy material things though. Which is good because I really like things. 

Here a few materialistic things making me very happy lately:

• New socks

• Tiny baby clothes

• Winter Sweaters and Coats 

• Guns

• Victoria's Secret laundry detergent and dryer sheets

           They smell clean and fresh, which is especially good on the days I don't shower.

• Sephora's Favorites sample gift sets

           All the tiny sample size makeup is PERFECT for traveling.

• Christmas Cards from Friends and Family

• Scented Candles that smell like Christmas

•  Steve Madden Boots

• Candy

• Clean Sheets

•  Free stuff

• My drawing supplies - Including my secret notebook where I draw mean pictures of my family and/or strangers when I am bored. 

•  My North Face Hoodie

I like things. amen. 

Up to No Good

It's that time again. 

You know..... the time when I make you look at pictures of my kid. 

I know looking at pictures of Ryan is on the top of your priority list.

Pee Baby has been up to no good..... as usual:

He stole Jare-Bear's wallet and hid under his rocking chair,

gnawed on our bananas,

 

spends at least an hour sitting here every day,

 destroys my cheap drawers,

rides around in luggage,

wears these way too much to be considered normal,

 and look how ashamed he is for using all my stickers as face decorations.

I am  thisclose  to sending him to a camp for troubled children. 

Ice Kingdom Rip Off

I like Christmas more than I like making fun of my family.

I was giddy as we drove down to Long Beach to go to this:

This is how their website describes it:

THE ICE KINGDOM

Step inside our frozen igloo and immerse yourself in an enchanting world of ice. The Ice Kingdom is a dazzling 13,000 square foot winter wonderland handmade entirely out of ice. Featuring over 2 million pounds of ice, each exhibit is meticulously created by an international team of expert ice sculptors and enhanced with stunning lights and colors for a visually captivating experience unlike any other. 

How frieking rad does that sound?
 
They are liars.
The description should have read:

THE ICE KINGDOM

20 ice sculptures in a medium size tent. It is kind of cool but definitely not $25 worth of cool.  

 It was FREEZING in the Ice Kingdom... which would make sense.....

This was the coldest I have ever been in Southern California.

Ryan face planted every time he tried to escape my arms.

Pee-Baby is not happy in this picture. His face is frozen into a smile.

What a wholesome young couple. 

I secretly wanted to kick an ice sculpture over because I get pissed when I feel ripped off.  

I have angry eyebrows in this picture, but my hat is covering them.

Afterwards we let Ryan run around and splash in the puddles. He had a ton of fun and we didn't have to pay a $25 admission fee.

At least Ryan kept his pants on the whole time. So, overall, it was a good day.
amen.

Baby Having

I have a few friends who are expecting their first babies pretty soon. Here are some things I wish I had known before I gave birth.

Newborns breastfeed about every 2 hours. 
I  had already heard this but what I didn't know was that it takes a newborn about 1 hour to eat. That means for the first couple of months, you will have a baby attached to your boobs every other hour.
Subscribe to Netflix, buy a laptop and a lot of good books, because you will be sitting on the couch holding a baby more than you ever thought possible.

Your boobs are going to get even bigger.
You think your pregnancy boobs are huge? Wait until after you have the kid. I was secretly kind of excited to fill my bras for once. It was horrifyingly awesome.

Your stomach is going to feel like Play Dough.
I was not expecting to be able to sculpt and shape my nasty belly fat/skin after birth. Luckily, your huge boobs will sort of hide the stomach freak show.

Plan to be completely unproductive for the first couple of months after you have the baby.
 I had a long list of things I was going to do while I stayed at home with my newborn. Learn more Spanish, Learn photoshop and adobe illustrator, design a coloring book, take a shower, get ready for the day, etc........
Instead, I just stared at baby Ryan. Be prepared to spend an embarrassing amount of time just staring at your little baby. They are so little and cute, you cant help it. Your house will probably be a disaster and you will have a ton of stuff to do, but you will inevitably spend most of your time staring at your baby.


Diaper Genies are essential.
Unless you like the smell of poop you should buy a diaper pail. Your whole house/garage will smell like baby dump if you don't dispose of the diapers properly. Some people are ok with that. I, however, am not. I happily pay for the overpriced refill packs.

Bottles are a PAIN to clean.
That's why I bought Tommee Tippee brand bottles. You don't need one of those annoying bottle brushes. They are supposedly "closer to nature" because they are shaped like a booby. If being shaped like a boobs means I can fit my hand and a sponge in to clean it, sign me up. 

I've had these bottles for over a year and they still look brand new. Some bottle brands turn yellowish and it's nasty.


Buy a good baby carrier.

I've used a lot of baby carriers and most of them suck. I ended up getting an awesome Baby Bjorn Active carrier for about $130. I would have rather bought candy, but this carrier was totally worth it. You need one with back support. I love this one because you can face the baby towards you or have them facing outwards.
 
If you buy a crappy one, it will hurt your back and you'll never use it. Then you will end up buying a nice one anyway, and your back will be really pissed off about how cheap you were. Ryan weights 23 pounds and I can still use it comfortably.

I also have an ergobaby carrier. This one is good for when they are a little bigger. You can carry them on your back with this one, while the baby bjorn only carries them on your front side.



The amount of laundry you do will triple.
The laws of physics do not apply when it comes to laundry and newborns. You will be doing laundry ALL THE TIME. I dont know how so much stuff accumulates especially when you consider their clothes are so tiny. 

 
You are going to fall in love. HARD.
Your heart is going to ache because you love the baby so much. It is scary. I became so protective that I almost shanked a stranger for coming to close to my baby. It is awesome. 

Friends with kids, anything I missed?