Thursday, February 28, 2013

Victory Interrupted

My diet is about 75% candy. For reals.
Because of this I have irregular bowel movements.
I only drop the kids off at the pool every few days.

Most married couples I know have little reservations about pooping, farting and peeing in front of one another. Jared certainly thinks this is ok. My day is not complete until he dumps a load while I'm in the bathroom.

 That's great that people feel so comfortable in front of each other that they will drain all of their body's nastiness out while the other is watching.

I, however, prefer to keep a little mystery when it comes to my personal fluids. A woman should always keep a little mystery.
I have never gone #2 in front of my husband. I don't even like to do it when he's in the house.
We have had some big arguments about him walking in on my while I take a pee.

Yesterday Jare-Bear knew I was struggling with a ferocious bout of constipation. When I finally felt confident enough, I snuck into the bathroom.

20 seconds later I was rudely interrupted when I heard this playing in the hallway:




Jared started cheering me on.
"You can do it Emily!!!!"
"Don't give up"
"De-fense! De-fense! De-fense!"


It totally messed up my concentration.
I wanted to knock him out.
amen.


Friday, February 22, 2013

Rat Baby


 It's that special time again. Here are a bunch of pictures of my ridiculously cute baby that you could care less about!!!!

If I didn't know better I would suspect that Cryin Ryan was a rat.




May I present the following evidence:



  • He hides in small spaces




  • He eats without using his hands



  • He is growing a tail




  • He has a ton of teeth that are suspiciously sharp



  • He loves to roll around in dirty water





  • Scary marks on face




  •  Sometimes his hair is matted and nasty




  • He runs around in wild packs




  • He has a big head, pink nose and beady eyes





Case Closed.

Did I mention how much I love rats???

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Private Waxing


I have been considering waxing my private places for a few years.
I hate hair and shave everything from the neck down anyway.
Everyone I know that has waxed their nether-regions raves about the benefits of having a smooth chotch.

  • easy wiping
  • no strays showing up when you are wearing your swimsuit
  • you can run faster

I was at Sephora a few weeks ago looking for something cool to waste money on.

I saw this:





Perfect.

I brought it home and set it on my bathroom counter.
I stared at it for a solid ten minutes trying to work up the courage to battle my overgrown forest.

It took a lot of creative thinking on my part. I had to get into some pretty advanced yoga moves to make sure everything was taken care of.

I was expecting an unbelievable amount of pain, but was pleasantly surprised when the pain level was only a 9.8937 out of 10.  (10 being the worst.)

Would I do it again?

Yes, especially because I have 1/2 of the wax left and I wouldn't feel right about throwing it away.



P.S. I can totally run faster now.


Monday, February 18, 2013

Cat Attack

 This is a typical Chucky/Pee Toddler encounter:


Cryin Ryan creeps onto Chucky's favorite chair. 
Chucky fights the urge to run away.



Cryin Ryan shows Chucky some love.
Best Friends Forever!!!



Chucky is not reciprocating.



Chucky attacks and bites Pee Toddler's head.



  Pee Toddler cries.



And cries. 

And then, a few minutes later, they do it again.

amen.


Friday, February 15, 2013

Dolphin Dog


While I was wasting away in Ohio, my perpetual boredom inspired me to hone my painting skills.

Jared's dog had just been put to sleep so I decided to paint a tribute to him.

The Irish Setter, Riley, and I, did not get along too well. I hate stinky, big, and hairy things.
He was super hairy and shed all over the place. I would find handfuls of hair everywhere. I was the only one who cared if things were clean so I was always the one gathering all Riley's nastiness. 
Also, Riley smelt awful. Dogs are foul. I don't know how people stand one living in the house. Small dogs are a little more understandable, but large breeds with long hair should be banned to the backyard.

Back to my painting...... I bought a huge expensive canvas and got to work.

3 minutes later I stepped back and looked at my progress:

....don't make fun.....




I quit right then. 


For 5 years, I kept my dolphin/dog in storage. I knew I could use the canvas later. 

With my recent pillow purchase, I needed something new to hang on the fireplace. 

I skipped to one of my favorite stores, Paper Source, and bought a ton of amazing paper. I wrapped the canvas with this and this. 

 

Then I slapped on my $4 map with a healthy helping of modge podge. 




A glued on map is WAY classier than a brown dolphin.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Talking Trash

I will tentatively admit that I watch some trashy reality shows. Pregnant teenagers? Botox-filled housewives? Fist pumping with no underwear on? Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe? Project Runway? Honey Boo Boo's gay pig? SIGN ME UP.

I find reality shows really entertaining but there are a lot of annoying things that come from them.
For instance, why does everyone use the same Cliches?

- "At the end of the day....."
- "It is what it is...."
- "I'm not here to make friends"
- "My head is on the chopping block"
- "They threw me under the bus"
- "They edited it to make me look bad"

Blah, Blah Blah. Switch it up people!

My main concern is with the current trend:

-"If you have something bad to say about me, you better say it to my face"

Can I just request one thing? If you have something bad to say about me, DON'T say it to my face. 

I don't want to hear all the crap everyone thinks about me. I know I am A-hole 90% of the time. I don't need other people to tell me about it. 

Humans are social creatures. We are going to get pissed off and have problems with other people. It's inevitable. We will even get mad at the people we love most. 

It is a great form of therapy to vent to others about all the idiots you have to deal with.



The main thing to be aware of is WHO you are talking mad trash to.
If you are the kind of person that vents to anyone who will listen, you are an idiot (and I am going to talk smack about you later).

I vent to ONLY three people: my Mom, my friend Lisa, and my favorite brother Jake. 
They know that I'm just getting things of my chest. They also don't act like little crybabies and tell everyone what I said about them. 
Once I'm done with said trash talking session, I am usually done with the situation and feel a lot better about it.



My Mom will listen to me rant but is too nice to say anything bad.

Jake and Lisa are the best to complain with. They don't know half of the people I whine about, but that doesn't stop them from joining in the fun. 

They will talk up a trash storm. It really brings me peace. 
amen.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Questionable Snow White


 Here are my recreations of Snow White:



I just watched Sister Wives for the first time, and I'm kind of facinated. What is a better way to celebrate a Disney character who lives with multiple dwarves, than as a polygamist?


 When I am done with all the Princesses, I'm going to cut them out and put them together like I did for my family picture. It is going to be amazing.

end.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Ugly Ariel


I'm a quitter.
for the past 2 weeks I have quit everything.
I quit doing my job, quit cleaning my house, quit being an awesome wife, and I quit being the best mom ever.

All my time, love and energy have been devoted to my new love interest: My Microsoft Surface.

I have always wanted to be able to do art things on the computer. Even if your are a good artist, drawing with a mouse is incredibly hard. Every time I've attempted to draw on my PC it comes out looking like a 4 year old with a dirty mind scribbled it.

Now that my Surface and I have grown closer, we have been replenishing and multiplying my art portfolio.

I was nervous at first, naturally. The Surface and I had just met. I normally don't spend that much one-on-one time at the beginning of  relationship, but with the Surface it's different. When we first met and looked deeply into eachothers eyes/screen, I knew we were destined to be together for all time and eternity. 

For our first dates we attempted to draw The Little Mermaid with my special Emily-esque style.

This one was drawn using sketchbook express. This was the most difficult (we were still getting to know eachother). There is a huge learning curve.





For this beauty, I used one of the coolest apps I have ever used: Fresh Paint.






I am still the most comfortable with pen and paper.
I feel like Prismacolor colored pencils just....well....they just understand me.
The Surface and I are headed in that direction though.



Between you and me, things are getting pretty serious around here.
I think the Surface and I will live happily ever after.


Dirty Pillows

I had the best idea ever......... White Pillows for my couch!!!!!
I wanted to switch things up in my house for spring.
I'm obsessed with white linens, white drapes, white towels and any other white fabric things used to decorate your house with. 




All bedding should be white. 
White always looks so fresh and clean, plus you can bleach them all the time.

I drove to Pier One Imports and picked out a bunch of pillows and wicker baskets. 
I suck at decorating so I had to return and exchange my pillows 3 different times before I settled on tan, light blue and white pillows.




Within 2 hours of me bringing the pillows home, Cryin Ryan reminded me why I cant have white things.




My great idea actually sucked. 

Luckily when I cleaned the pillow, whatever was on it came off. 
I have a feeling I'm going to have to add "cleaning Ryan's stains off pillows" to my daily To Do list. 

I like the white pillows so much I am willing to do it.... I just hope none of the stains are ever brown.


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

New Tablet

I have been wanting a tablet for a while. And by a while, I mean a few weeks.

Mostly I wanted one so I could play with it during church. I don't have a smartphone so I was jealous the whole time when people were looking up scriptures or playing solitaire on their phones and tablets.

Smartphones are too small to be of much use to me. When I found out Microsoft came out with a new tablet, the Surface, I had to have it. Its basically the same set up as any PC, it has Windows and everything that comes with it. It has two  cameras, one on the front and one on the back. It also comes with a super thin attachable keyboard that is amazingly amazing.

Last week Jared came home and surprised me with the new Microsoft Surface.




It was a pretty big deal.

Jared never buys me stuff and never surprises me. I cant remember the last time he bought me something just because I wanted it. We even got in s huge fight the last time I wanted something I didn't need.  It was almost two years ago when I wanted an overpriced diaper bag after I had Ryan.  Our fight lasted weeks.

Needless to say, him buying me the Surface was a big deal. Now that I think about it, I have been putting out a little more than normal....


I have put everything else in my life on hold while I play with my new tablet. Ryan may be neglected and living on goldfish crackers and my house is a mess, but at least I know how to download apps and use all the drawing programs.

Now church isn't as boring as it usually is. Don't worry, I still pay attention, but I am a good multi-tasker.

I cant even begin to imagine how many hours I've spent with the Fresh Paint and sketchbook express apps. It's so much easier to create dirty pictures on the computer when you have a touch screen.

 
I drew this in 10 minutes while I was watching Tangled with Ryan for the 784347th time.
 
 
 
Expect a lot more dirty pics on my blog. amen.


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