Friday, August 30, 2013

Meet Rachel


I have 3 sisters. 66.667% or 2/3 of them are awesome.


Rachel happens to be 1 of the 2 sisters that don't suck the will out of all living things.

Rachel came out to visit me a few months ago. For 9 days all we did was spoil and laugh at Cryin' Ryan's antics. We also caused a fair amount of trouble, which is one of my favorite pastimes.






As a little sister she was always the chill, nice one who minded her own business. I can appreciate that in a sibling.
She also used to draw me questionable pictures in church:



A Constipated Grandma
 Boy: aren't you done yet Grandma
Knock on door: bang, bang




I Hate Kids







 Emily pooping Jelly Beans




Emily your sick and messed up
<3 Rachel


 Emily thinks she is the prettiest in the world



Jacked up right? You should see the ones I drew for her......


The only really messed up thing I ever remember her doing was this:

My mom had just made 2 huge pans of homemade cinnamon rolls.
Jared and I were dating at the time. When we came upstairs to partake of the gift that is cinnamon rolls.......

THE CENTER OF EVERY CINNAMON ROLL WAS GONE.
FOR REALS.


That is messed up......
And Rachel was the perpetrator.

In my family, as in any family, this is an unforgivable sin.

Years later, I found out she was just heeding my advice.

I am a firm believer that if you are going to waste calories, you should waste them in the most delicious way possible.
So it made sense that she only wanted to waste calories on the best part of the cinnamon roll.




Fair enough Rachel. Fair enough.

I only forgive you cause your cool and I like you.....
and because you appreciate my shenanigans.




Thursday, August 29, 2013

Revised Toilet Philosophy



The Scott Family's toilet philosophy has been officially revised.






 Months ago, I realized my brilliant earth saving technique - if it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down. - is just not feasible when kids are involved.

I really don't want Cryin Ryan growing up thinking its appropriate to pee in people's toilets and let it marinate.

I also reconsidered my toilet dogma when I got pregnant and started throwing up every time I ate something.

The last thing I wanted to deal with while simultaneously vomiting and peering my pants was having my face inches away from pee soup.

I'm kind of a psycho when it comes to bathroom cleanliness. I clean my bathrooms 3 times a week.

Now that I have morning sickness and spend an obscene amount of time staring down toilet bowls, I'm even crazier. After a couple weeks of scrubbing bathrooms everyday, I finally dedicated one of the main floor bathrooms as my "puke sanctuary".


No one is allowed to #1 or #2 or #3 in my safe place.
I think I will add some vanilla candles and play some Enya.


It's probably one of the best idea's I've had in weeks.


Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Private Driving


I love Facebook for a number of reasons.

  • It's an easy place to stalk people
  • It gives you something to do at 3am
  • It confirms if people you didn't like got fat or ugly
  • It is a great place for my dumb sister to show what a fool she is
  • You can get some good gossip about who is in jail or rehab
  • But mostly, it's a good place to keep in touch with dear friends and family with minimal effort.

It's 3:28am. I can't sleep because I just threw up a PB&J Uncrustable.  Lately, I wake up every night so hungry that I eat whatever is closest. Tonight is was Ryan's stale 1/2 eaten, pre-packaged sandwich.

After I puked, I was perfecting my normal Facebook stalking routine when I came across this picture:





This guy just got married and is about to graduate from dental school.

Why is this intriguing?

Because in middle school and high school, this guy was known for being able to drive his old minivan with his boner.

You read that right..... With his boner.

He was always happy and smiling.
He allegedly smoke enough pot to fund the lifestyles of three small-time drug dealers.


Now look at him. All grown up and fully clothed.
It's incredible how people evolve.



I'm glad to see he still has his charming perma-grin.


Thursday, August 22, 2013

Pitching a Tent for Fall


I give my love freely to all seasons, but this year I'm kind of excited about Autumn.
Mostly because I got new boots. 

But I'm also giddy about other stuff:


Fall Outfits





Leaves




Scented Candles




Chunky Sweaters




Scented Candles in Chunky Sweaters




Apple Cider





Rain





Oh wait. I just remembered, I live in Southern California and it looks like this year-round:





Drinking warm apple cider by the fire is not fun when its 70 degrees outside.
Wearing flip-flops everyday gets old.
Sunny days get old too.

No Fall for me.
My life is so hard....

At least my view is nice.


P.S. I think I will change my desktop wallpaper to a nice fall-themed motif.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Work Hard - Dance Harder


Jared has been busy remodeling our house. 2 of the main floor bathrooms are done, and now he is working on our late 1960's era kitchen.

It's cool that Jared can remodel a house by himself. I love a manly man.

In fact, I once broke up with a guy because he tried to sing to me and afterwards I felt like he was too much of a wuss.

The only problem with Jared doing all the work himself is that it takes FOREVER to finish.
Plus, it ends up being more expensive than if we just hired a contractor. Jared is a perfectionist and has to have the best materials and every tool available to remodel anything.

At least he looks sexy doing it.

Maybe the remodel will go faster now that Ryan can help out.


video



Then again, maybe not...


video


Monday, August 19, 2013

Go Away Mom


When Baby Ryan needs something or wants to show me anything, he grabs my hand and pulls me to it.

He usually wants me to play cars with him, get him some food, or catch a spider for him.
Once he put a pillow and blanket under the table,  set up our portable DVD player, and pulled me over to come sit by him. AWWWWWWW!

Pee-Toddler is unusually nice and friendly (which is weird because I was convinced I would have horrible kids as punishment for my youthful indiscretions).

Last night, I witnessed Cryin' Ryan's first rude actions.

Jared and Ryan were wrestling in the front room. I walked out and started laughing with them.
Ryan stopped smiling.
He walked over to me, grabbed my hand and pulled my towards the hallway.
Then he looked me in the eye - still not smiling - and says, "Go away mommy."
I stood there for a second, and he pointed down the hallway repeating, "Go away."


I pretended to walk towards the office. As soon as I was gone Ryan giggled, screamed, and ran back to tackle Jared.

Looks like Baby Ryan isn't so nice after all.

At least he likes his Dad.





P.S. A few minutes later Ryan came and gave me a high five - so, as of right now, we are on speaking terms again.


Friday, August 16, 2013

Baby or Burrito???


I'm at that special time in a girl's life where I am pregnant enough to look chubby, but not enough to actually look pregnant.

I just look like I ate a Chipotle burrito or have been constipated for 6 days. (Both of which happen to be true.)







My normal clothes are starting to fit a little weird.

I even got my maternity clothes out of storage (which are now scattered throughout my house since I am too nasty/lazy/nauseated to put them away).

Last time I was knocked up, I fought hard to stay out of maternity clothes and didn't start wearing them until month 7.

This pregnancy I will probably start wearing them next week. Why? Because I don't care.






And because I made sure to buy a really amazing maternity wardrobe. Unpacking them was better than Christmas.

I figured that since I already felt huge and gross being pregnant, at least I should be able to dress cute.


Plus, Jared couldn't argue with me about how much money I spent since I would just cry and tell him he doesn't love me or the baby.
Amen.


Wednesday, August 14, 2013

10 Things: Trends I Hate



Sometimes I find it comforting to focus on the negative things in life.

For instance, Check out this nasty stuff....


1. High heeled sneakers:





2. These kinds of backpacks:






3. Cheap looking/homemade sandals:








4. High-waist jeans:









5. These white trash tank tops:




6. Crop Tops:
 




7. Neon clothing:








8. **Anything in the color "oxblood":







 ** Unless you are Asian...... Asians look stunning in this color.
9. Themed sweaters:




10. ***These hats:




*** Mostly because I think other girls look cute in them, but every time I try one on I look like a douche.

 BONUS!!!!!
I obviously have to include my mortal enemy.... knee shorts:


I still wear them though. yuck.


Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Smell-A-Thon

I am getting old. I accept it.

5 years ago I had to get glasses.
2 years ago I started to go deaf.

But, what I don't understand is the older I get, the more acute my sense of smell is.


Smell is the worst of the 5 senses. THE WORST.
When I'm pregnant, my nose becomes a precision radar.

I can smell Ryan's dirty diapers BEFORE he actually drops a deuce.
I know what my neighbors are having for dinner.
And, I can tell when a dog is within 50 yards of me.

BUT, I cannot drive without glasses/contacts or hear Jared when he talks to me from another room, and I say "What????" 129 times a day.

It's a painful existence.


Trading useful senses (vision and hearing) for super smelling power, is the worst tradeoff ever.
I should at least be compensated with a growth spurt in my boobal region.





Friday, August 9, 2013

Park City Acrobatics


At the beginning of June, Jared and I left Cryin' Ryan with my mom for an overnight trip to Park City, Utah.

That's right. I left my baby..... overnight..... for the first time ever.

I only had like 6-7 mild panic attacks while we drove away, which I consider a success.

I'm obsessed. I can barely leave Baby Ryan at home with Jared for more than a few hours.

We have left Pee-baby with babysitters less than 5 times since he was born, and never longer than a few hours.
While I was happy to spend some time alone with Jear-bear, I missed my baby!

Everything reminded me of how awesome Cryin' Ryan is.

We were walking up main street and stopped at a little book store. All I could think about was how much Ryan would like to throw everything off the shelves. 
At the Wasatch Brew Pub I imagined Ryan refusing to sit in a high chair and running around the restaurant giggling like a serial killer.





It was really weird to sit down at a restaurant without having to get up ever 2 minutes to tackle my baby.

I tracked down the BANKSY graffiti art I wanted to see. I felt so revolutionary. I almost went and bought a Che Guevara T-shirt.



Park City Mountain Resort is where I learned to snowboard. I ditched a lot of high school and college classes to come snowboard in this awesome place. I caused a lot of trouble here.
It felt like I was coming home.






Then, we returned to our lodge for a make-out session..... which may or may not have included naked amateur acrobatics.


Fine, I'll admit it, maybe it was a GOOD thing we left him with my Mom.


Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Sniffing Lotion


Do you know what I hate?

When companies discontinue amazing products.

I'm talking to you Bath and Body Works.

Cool Citrus Basil and Green Clover and Aloe are the two best scents I have ever had the pleasure of sniffing.








I bought a TON of the stuff a year and a half ago. Bath and Body Works were selling their remaining inventory of discontinued scents, $3 a bottle.


I was extremely conservative in my usage of the lotions and body sprays. I made sure I didn't share with anyone, and at night I held the bottles in my arms and called them "my precious" in a creepy voice.


I just used the last of the Cool Citrus Basil. It was a sad moment. I only have a 1/2 inch left of the Green Clover and Aloe.

I don't know how I am going to sleep tonight.


Now I can't invite my only 2 friends over and have that lotion sniffing party I've been dreaming about. (Don't worry, I wasn't going to let them actually use the lotion..... I would just let them sniff it.)


You can still buy them on the Black Market of lotion: Amazon and eBay.
But you will be paying a lot more than $3. Plus, who knows how old the bottles are? People could be selling their stash from 1990.

I also try to refrain from buying anything creamy from strangers.



One more thing Bath and Body Works: YOU SUCK for discontinuing Creamy Coconut too.


Monday, August 5, 2013

Ryan's Big Head


Cryin Ryan's hair grows disgustingly fast. I just gave him a haircut 5 weeks ago and now he looks like a white trash neglected child...... again
 
Kids with stick straight hair do not look good unless they have a clean cut. 




Of course the back of Ryan's hair naturally grows into a manly rat-tail that melts into his healthy helping of blonde back hair.

 
 
The sides grow over his ears like a tree elf.





Ryan used to let me cut his hair. He would sit still and chomp on his lollipop.

Nowadays we have major problems. There is a lot of bribing, wrestling, screaming, and struggling involved. It's impossible to give him a good haircut with a fade up the sides.

I thought to myself:

I know! I'll give him a buzz!

While this haircut is super cute on other kids, it is questionable on Ry-Ry.
It accentuates his big head........ just what I was aiming for.

Great.

Why do I have  ruin everything?

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Most Disgusting Person Award


It's official.

I am the most disgusting person ever.
  • I have lived in my bed the last 2 weeks
  • I am wearing the same shirt I've had on since Wednesday.
  • I haven't done my hair, and only put on lip gloss because I'm addicted to it.
  • I look like a mess.
  • I gag when I drink water.
  • I throw up 95% of everything I eat/drink (except a Mexican Pizza and  cup of nacho cheese from Taco Bell yesterday).
  • I cried like a little wuss because I feel AWFUL.
  • People at my church probably think I'm inactive.
  • I am aggressively constipated.
  • I have only left my house to go across the street to Jared's Grandma's house to beg her for smoothies...... which I promptly throw up.
  • I have lost 7 pounds and my hands look like Skeletor's.


If you haven't already guessed:
I'M PREGNANT.

I might as well announce it since the people I told cannot keep their mouths shut (including me.)
I am about 8 weeks into it. It is due around the middle of March.


I know WAY too many people who are not able to get pregnant. I have had problems myself.

Believe me, I am aware how lucky and blessed I am to even be pregnant and my heart breaks for people who don't get the chance.

BUT, since this is my blog, I hereby reserve the right to complain about how much pregnancy sucks for me.

ALSO, out of respect for my buddies that have fertility problems I promise to limit my whining to every 2-3 posts.

I love, love, love kids and am STOKED to have another one, but I am even more excited to get this pregnancy thing over with. amen.




P.S. I guess I will console myself with the fact that at least I'm not disgusting enough to have a belly tail:






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