Friday, November 29, 2013

Suspicious Love Letters


I came home to poinsettias sitting beautifully on my table.
I love these flowers around the holidays.

They had a love note attached:


 
"To My Love"


A few days ago we were at the Home Depot and I wanted to buy a bunch of flowers but didn't since I will be in Utah for most of the Christmas season.
Jared was so sweet to think of me and surprise me with some!!!

He was totally going to get some action that night..... then I opened the card:




Some friends had left them on our porch and Jared hijacked them and tried to take credit before I got home.

He's so romantic.




Monday, November 25, 2013

10 Ways To Keep A Toddler Busy


1. Leave your $15 styluses out so your toddler can hide under the table and bite the tips off all of them.



2. Give them a sheet of stickers.

3. Let them hide in 59¢ IKEA bags.





4. Buy them a goldfish. Subsequently bury goldfish in front yard.





5. Store a bin of beans within your two year old's reaching distance, then attempt to sleep in for 10 extra minutes. Quickly find out that 10 minutes is more than enough time to make a huge mess.




6. Hire a good babysitter. I recommend Netflix.

7. Have the guts/stupidity to store permanent markers in your house even though you KNOW your child was born with marker radar. Turn your head for .0035687 seconds so they have opportunity to express their artistic skill.




8. Accidentally show them where you hide the candy.

9. Let them play with your phone and call your boss's boss.... I'm sure your they will appreciate your child's repeated requests for facetime at 6:30am.

10. Let them play with questionable puzzle apps on your tablet.






See? Taking care of a toddler is easy!!!



Friday, November 22, 2013

Bump On The Head

 
 
 
 
I have been a little more concerned about Cryin Ryan lately.
 
His massive head size seems to be causing him a lot of problems.
 
 
He can't seem to keep track of it. He is constantly running into things and getting huge bruises on it.
 
A two and a half year old body does not seemed to be equipped to handle their gigantic heads. It's like how scientifically, bumble bees should not be able to fly due to their large bodies and small wings, but they still fly...... 2 year old should not be able to walk with their large heads and small bodies, but they do.
 
Take that Physics.
 
They look like walking upside-down candy apples until they are 12 years old.
 
I guess it's better to have a big head than a small one. Small heads are kind of creepy.




Pee-Toddler jack his head up on the corner of our bed frame. he is smiling because after 20 seconds of crying he noticed a bug on the wall and was happy again.


 
 
His head injuries are probably why he thinks its fun to play with our cat's skull.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Chucky's Skull


When Chucky died, we buried him across the street in the ravine.
2 weeks later, Jared found him dug up. A coyote had eaten the meat, but thoughtfully left the bones.

Since Jared is messed up, he brought the skull home and set it on our front porch.



It's kind of cool so I left it there.


Now Cryin' Ryan lovingly refers to the skull as "Chucky". He pets it and says goodbye to it when we leave our house. A little bit creepy but a lot funny.

Ryan still gets sad and confused because Chucky doesn't "work" anymore.


video


 Aw Man! No workins.....

amen.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Worst Nightmare


Dude.
I had the worst nightmare ever.

I walked into my house and everything was destroyed. Everything was ripped apart and garbage was everywhere. My living room was stacked up with crap from our storage room. My refrigerator and microwave were hanging out in my front entryway.
A thick layer or dust coated every inch of my house (including Pee-Baby) even though I had dusted the day before.


Then I realized I wasn't sleeping:







I hate remodeling.
Jared loves it.
Both houses we have bought, Jared has remodeled. Living through 1 remodel is bad enough.

Dirt drives me crazy.

If I am committed to an insane asylum, you'll know why. Hopefully they'll let me out before I have baby #2.



P.S. I realize I'm a total douche for complaining that I get a New kitchen and bathrooms, but I'm pregnant and whiny and this is my blog..... M'kay? >: (


Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Food Spitter



Ryan has been spitting out his food.
he chews it all up, holds it in his mouth for 10-45minutes then spits it out.



I find masticated food clumps everywhere. Under the table, in the corner, and once in my shoes. Sometimes I don't find it for a few days and I have to scrape it up like a dried-out crusty meatloaf.



We were at Wood Ranch with Jared's Aunt and Uncle and Pee-Baby stuffed his mouth with French fries.
20 min later when everyone was done Ryan looked at me with guilt in his eyes.
Knowing he was about to spit all over the table, I presented him with a napkin for discretion.

He slowly pushed out a 1/2 cup of chewed up French fries and saliva.
It was embarrassing.

Cryin' Ryan is a horribly picky eater. I don't fight him on this because that is one battle I'm not going to win. I make sure different foods are available for him and cheer him on when he eats something besides bananas or grapes.

I usually let Ryan's bad behaviors slide if they are funny or cute..... this is neither one of those things:




When it comes to the spitting, I'm lost.
We used to get mad at him, that didn't work.
Then I ignored him, in case he was doing it for attention, that didn't work.
Then I made him clean up his foul mess, that didn't work.
Now I just give him positive reinforcement when he spits in the garbage instead of the on the coffee table.


What would you do if your baby was gnawing on food then depositing it all over your clean house??? (Besides posting pictures of it on the internet to embarrass him when he's older.....)


Tuesday, November 12, 2013

10 Things: Stuff I Won't Pay For



There are some things in the world that I refuse to pay for. There is also a bunch of crap I will never pay full price for.

Here are some of those things:

1. Manicures and Pedicures


It would literally be painful for me to hand over cash for someone to do my nails. I can do it myself. Plus I hate people and don't want to talk to a stranger that long.

2. Pens and Pencils

Do you know how many places give out free pens and pencils? Tons.

3. Toys

Ryan has a way too many toys. I go through and donate a bunch of them every few months. With Grandmas who love to spoil him and awesome friends who give us their hand-me-downs, I have never bought Ryan a toy.

4. Home Remodeling Labor

I have a Jared for that.

5. Landscaper/Gardener




We have 1/2 an acre in California, which is a small miracle. The problem is that the yard is a year-round job. Since we have been remodeling our yard has been neglected. It looks like a jungle. We got a quote from a gardener to see how much it would cost for upkeep every month. He quoted $400..... $400!!!! That included one guy coming every other week for two hours.
Since when did gardeners get paid $100 an hour?
I'm not paying for that. I'll just leave it looking like a mess until our kitchen is done.

6. Babysitters

Why pay someone when you can trade with friends? Plus the babysitters here in Camarillo are expensive. Like, $10 an hour for 1 kid expensive.
I was forced to get a babysitter the last time I was in Utah, and she charged $2/hour. Of course I paid her more because I felt like I was ripping her off. I don't like to rip off teenagers.

7. A Maid

There are times when I have seriously considered hiring one, but I cannot justify paying for something I should do myself. It doesn't help that I'm a clean freak and would probably re-clean everything after the Maid left anyway.


8. A Car Wash

Another thing I should do myself.

9. Full Price Clothing

I live right by the Camarillo Outlet Stores. I also keep friends from when I used to work in retail at Lucky and Joe's Jeans. $40 for $180 jeans..... yes please.
When I can't get a discount, I don't buy it.

10. Anything full price at Michaels craft store

I use the 40% off coupons shamelessly. I make Pee-Baby buy items for me if I need more than one item.



Boring post, I know. Here is a picture to make it better.





The end.


Saturday, November 9, 2013

How to Look Hot When You're Pregnant



I have crawled out from under my rock a few times the past month.

While I've been creeping around like a diseased rat, a couple people have asked "how do you look so good when your pregnant?!"



While I am flattered and appreciate the compliment, I just shake my head and think to myself, "if you only knew...."

But, being the altruistic person that I am, I've decided to divulge my pregnancy beauty secrets.


  • Only post pictures where you look good, keep the depressing ones to yourself. Use your other kids to mask your unattractiveness. See how I cleverly use Pee-Baby to cover up my 5 months pregnancy? Tricky, tricky.


  • Get crazy morning sickness that lasts the entire pregnancy. Chronic puking really helps keep my weight gain under control. Just be prepared to spend hours in bed and on your bathroom floor with no energy and lots of vomit crusted in your hair.
  • Wear 3 days worth of makeup every time you leave your house. When I feel I spackled enough on, I always add one more layer for extra security.
  • Lighten your hair. Blonder hair distracts people from my pregnancy induced ugliness.
  • On days that you actually do your hair, use a TON of hairspray so you don't have to do it again until the next month. 
  • Buy tricky maternity pants that hide your fat butt. I wear a lot of black and dark blue.


  • Also buy shirts that accentuate your baby bump. People will cut you a lot of slack if they know your growing a human. Remember: Hide your butt, Show your baby.
  • Since there is a good chance you are sleeping like crap - keep a bottle of eye drops on your person at ALL TIMES. Stoned red eyes are not attractive.
  • Most of my maternity pajamas look like work-out clothes. When I don't get dressed before I go out, I appear to be one of the annoying people who actually go to the gym....... instead of the snail that I am.
  • The best trick though, is to just stay in your house and keep your nastiness to yourself.




 Yes, Cryin' Ryan is dancing to Brittney Spears with his shirt half off.
Another typical day at the Scott household.



Thursday, November 7, 2013

At Least Pee-Baby Is Happy



I was sitting in bed cursing pregnancy and baby #2/Mason/Jack/Bobert/Gus/Harold.
I have been throwing up everyday. I can't tell you how many good meals I've wasted lately.

For months I have based my decisions on what to eat by how good I think it will taste when I throw it up. Taco bell nacho cheese is surprisingly good on the way back up..... Prime rib with horseradish and a side salad? No.





You'd think that since I throw up a ton, I wouldn't have poop problems. But I do. I get unbelievably constipated.

I also found out I had to start going to a high-risk doctor because my last baby jacked up my cervix during childbirth. Great. I hate doctors in general, but especially crotch doctors.

I was exhausted and feeling sorry for myself. Being pregnant sucks on days when your a wussy. Pee-Baby was laying by me watching Netflix and holding his monster trucks.

I was literally in the middle of an internal tirade against my fetus for making 9 months of my life harder.
Baby Ryan dropped his toys, leaned over and hugged me. Then he looked up at me and said "Mommy, I'm happy!" in his squeaky 2 year old voice.

I don't know if he was commenting on his life in general or the fact that I gave him candy for breakfast and let him watch Monster Truck Madness.

Either way it was touching.




I felt like the most ungrateful person ever..... with a side of jerk and an a-hole on top.
(BTW, I should draw a picture of that when I'm bored.)

9 months of nasty bodily functions, exhaustion, and doctors visits are sooooooo worth it.




Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Mean Costume


I have been dying to dress Ryan as a garden gnome ever since he was 3 months old and started to bear an uncanny resemblance to our mythical friends.




It was not one of his proudest moments:




I had to cut a 3 inch slit up the back of CRyan's hat due to his massive head size. 



I was a bee........again. Let's be honest, I am lazy and will probably use this costume for the next 5 years.



Jared was whatever one is when they wear an $8 beard and $4 bandana.


Mountain man? Hobo? Sexual Predator?
Take your pick.
Either way, I'm the lucky girl that gets to make out with him later.



Also, I would like to take a moment to brag:

We went trick-or-treating with some friends in Old Town Camarillo.
Ryan said his 2 year old version of  "Thank You" at every house we went to.

It was probably because I made my mean face at him and made him stand there until he said it, but still..... he is growing into such a nice young man.

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