Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Drug Caching


There is a huge unoccupied ravine across the street from my house.




We always see local teenagers sneaking up there for a little make out session, which is why Jared and I weren't too surprised when we saw a beat-down sedan pull up near our house.

Don't worry, I still stopped everything to spy on the mangy looking girl that was driving.

Life as a mostly stay at home mom doesn't get too exciting, so I take what I get.

She was alone and sat in her rusty car for almost 5 minutes messing with her phone and something in her purse.
She finally climbed out with the grace of drunkard.

The girl looked like she was in her early twenties, and wore shorts short enough that I could confirm she was, in fact, female.

She scuffled over to the fence and cautiously looked around to see if anyone was watching her.

I creepily hid by my kitchen window.

She pulled something out of one of the fence posts.
I totally thought she was making a drug drop. I was stoked.


After gross-girl left, I put my pants on and went across the street to check things out.

Inside the fence post was a little metal vial.



I excitedly opened it up:



 
A geo-cache.
 
BORING.

I was so bummed. I thought I would for sure get to solve a crime and call the cops.

Clearly, I need to create more excitement in my life that doesn't involve spying out my window without pants on.




Thursday, April 17, 2014

Dirty Thirty



Last month, I turned 30.
That's right. The dirty thirty.

I spent that weekend with my hot husband, my energetic/psycho two year old, my newborn baby and my awesome parents who were in town from Utah.

My dad even flew in a couple of days early to be there on my actual birthday. When you are the
favorite child, you get perks like that.




We did a bunch of cool stuff that I am too lazy to write about, but trust me, it was cool.

I took some time to reflect on my 30 years of life and where I thought I would be at this point. I have accomplished all major goals I set for myself except one:


I still haven't come to terms with the fact that I was not born black.


I know in my heart there is an inner black girl aching to come out and be FABULOUS. That's why I still sing along in my car to Tupac and 50 Cent with my babies in the back seat.

That is also why I binge-watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta.



I wish someone asked me to prom like this :(

Other than that, there is nothing so seriously wrong with my life that a little Botox, Spanx, and a lot of praying can't fix.


My husband asked me what I wanted it to say on my cake.

I was breast feeding #2 at the time and jokingly told Jared to have the bakery write, "Happy Birthday Milk Tits".




 
Thanks Jared.
 
This picture will be awesome in our scrapbook and I can't wait to explain it to our children!




Monday, April 14, 2014

Maternity Dressing Tips



If I could dispense one piece of advice regarding dressing while you're knocked up, it would be this:

Suck it up and buy a couple pairs of good maternity jeans - especially if your planning on  having more than one kid. Its going to be expensive, but how your pregnant butt looks is worth investing in.

They are more comfortable, keep their shape better and last longer than cheap ones.

They are also awesome to wear for a few months/years after you have the baby and are getting back into shape.

Maxi dresses? Yes.




Wrap dresses? Yes.




I tried to buy shirts and dresses that can be worn whether you're knocked up or not. This shirt is going to be an amazing swimsuit cover up this summer.




Never underestimate the power of a plain T-shirt, jeans and cute cardigan. Who cares if you can't button it up?






The best accessory is a smile. Lucky for me, I have a trouble-making 2 year that makes me smile all the time.









Friday, April 11, 2014

Maternity Pics



I saw some AMAZING pictures of knocked up chicks on Pinterest. I never took any cool pictures the first time I was pregs, so I wanted to make sure I did for #2.

I had plans of drinking copious amounts of Castor Oil during week 38, so towards the end of week 37 I got to work.

I am too cheap to pay a photographer and I feel douchey posing for pictures. We have a good camera and I'm decent at PhotoShop so in between my morning sickness/pants-peeing I make Jared point and shoot.

I threw on some white clothes and just took the pics in my bedroom.






Sorry. I HAD to document my awesome pregnancy boobs for future generations. FYI, I was wearing shorts in this picture, I don't do crotch shots.



The photos are a little deceptive though.
The reality was closer to this:




Don't judge.




Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Birth Plan

While pregnant, I had read and heard a lot about birth plans.
Some girls get all crazy about these things and plan their labor and delivery down to the minute.
I never made one for my first kid.

I like to plan things and be in control but I'm reasonable enough to know that you can't plan that mess.

You especially can't plan it if you give birth in a hospital. The doctors are going to do what they think is best no matter how organized your birth plan is.... even if you typed it up in a cute font.

With #2, I made one anyway.

So, a few weeks ago when I went to the hospital in labor, I brought my birth plan.

I handed it to the L&D Nurse folded up. I could tell she was thinking," Ugh.... not another chic with an annoying birth plan...."
 
After getting me taken care of, she opened it up:
 
 
 
 
 
She was amused............... and I got an epidural.
 
 
 
 
 

Monday, April 7, 2014

Titty Monkey?

When my first kid, Ryan, was born, his nickname "Cryin' Ryan" came about pretty organically.
So did his other titles:

- Pee-Baby (which later became Pee-toddler)
- Little Baby Poo Hands
- Psycho
- Rhyner or Rhyney
- Terror Child
and (to throw in a nice name....) Cuddle-bear



My new baby, Tyler, needs a few nicknames too, since I only use their given names in public or when they are in BIG trouble.

We were at the Santa Barbara zoo last week and came across the exotic Titi monkey of South America.


Titty Monkey is actually a pretty accurate description of baby Tyler. He looks monkey-ish and he loves titties.



I have also considered calling him:

- Play-dough factory

- Soft Serve

Both names in reference to his bowel habits.

Also:

- Old man baby




- Piss-face

Tyler has peed in his own face more times than I care to count.
One time he filled up his eye sockets with pee while I was changing his diaper. There were actual puddles. His eyes were squeezed closed. He also got some urine in his mouth.
I had to hurry and turn him over so I could pour the pee out of all his face holes.

Too bad I already used the name Pee-Baby with Ryan.

- #2

Jared and I have been calling Ryan, #1 and baby Tyler, #2, so we can talk about them when they're annoying and Ryan won't know who we trash-talking.

#2 has a nice ring to it.
 
 I'll go with that for now.






 

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