Sunday, June 29, 2014

Rats and Lizards

 We find a lot of random stuff in yard.
Newspapers from 2006, a broken bong, and a partially filled out McDonald's application.

But sometimes we find awesome things like these gross little rats:


They looked diseased and left a pee trail everywhere they went.


Ryan still liked them and their diseases.

After we played with them for a little bit, Jared told Pee-toddler he needed to take the rats back to there mom..... and by that, he meant chopping their heads off with a shovel and throwing them into the ravine.

I also found the cutest little lizard ever, ever, ever.




We made a little house for him and played with him for a few hours. I knew it was a "him" because all lizards are boys.... just like all dogs are boys and all cats are girls.

 He was so cute we just let him go, and didn't even consider chopping his head off.



Ryan was hesitant to let him go without the lizard's mom present.
He was worried the baby lizard needed his mom to get him food and water, so he patiently waited on the doorstep for lizard-mom to make an appearance.


video


Baby lizard stayed in Ryan's hand the whole time. I think he was probably scared to move after his 2 hours of captivity with a 3 year old.

I ended up faking like I saw the mom lizard come back because I was bored, so Ryan hurried and let baby lizard run into the garden. 

 

Thursday, June 12, 2014

May Stuff

I don't really blog much when I have a new baby because I am literally doing this all day:


video


Besides maniacally staring at my baby, here's some of the less embarrassing things we've been up to:

Every once in a while, I decide to pay attention to Cryin' Ryan. I drew him a farm mural to paint.



Ryan is way to good for a lame farm picture, so he made me add a family of corn-dogs.
Yes. A family. Of corn-dogs.



Tyler smiled at Grandma Annette, while Terror Child rode his tricycle around in his underwear.



White Trash REPRESENT!!!!
 
 
We also let him ride his tricycle in Santa Barbara ... this time fully clothed.
 



Then Jared took Ryan on a Treasure Hunt while I fed baby #2.



I never realized breastfeeding in a bikini was so convenient.

1st trip to the dentist. Minimal crying.



We disregarded all safety concerns and let Ryan crawl all over our friend's excavator. (It's hard to believe but yes, I have friends..... 4 of them.)


Then we went to their pool.



Have you ever swam in a saltwater pool? Its not all chemical-ly and it's amazing. It's not all salty and it leaves your skin soft afterwards. Amazing.



After dragging Pee-toddler through the mall, I let him play in the kiddie cesspool.



He cheated on his girlfriend, Finley, with a mysterious dark-haired girl.



More beach days. Ryan is preparing to make himself a human churro:


Other than that I skipped around my newly remodeled house in my underwear and ate candy.
Amen.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Adult Acne Lesson Learned


I never had a zit until I turned 18 years old. It was like overnight I had become the "before" picture in those Proactive ads.

I looked like a slice of pepperoni pizza.

It sucked. It was embarrassing. I felt disgusting and had to wear loads of makeup.

I tried every acne product available. Proactive, Clinique, Murad, Bliss, Clearasil, etch. but nothing ever cleared it up.

To make my greasy face even worse, I developed an obsessive habit of popping all my pimples. I couldn't stop. I was addicted to squeezing crap out my face. I even had one of those magnifying mirrors so I could get all up in my zit's business.

Everyone who knew my dirty little secret (maybe not so secret considering evidence was on my FACE) got mad at me and told me to leave my face alone.

One of my favorite friends, Christie, who had beautiful tan skin all the time got especially pissed off since my effectiveness as a wing-woman suffering. She always told me to stop picking at my face.

My parents offered visits to the dermatologist, but I was too busy busting blackheads.


After I got married, Jared patrolled my mirror time. He told me to "leave my pretty face alone"
since that was the "only reason he married me". Either way, I still found a way to maintain my pimple farm.

Towards the last half my pregnancy with Titty Monkey, the cesspool on my face suddenly cleared.
Could it be?! Had I finally grown out of my adult acne?!?!!

I wasn't using special face products. I'm pretty sure I wasn't even showering every day.
So why did my zits disappear?



It was because I was too fat to reach the mirror. My belly prohibited me from bending close enough to the mirror and therefore I could not pop all the nastiness out my face.

Who knew that leaving your face alone would be so good for it? Oh yeah, everyone.

I kind of like not having pizza face so I stopped assaulting my face all the time.
Now, when I am bored or anxious, I just pop Jared's zits instead.

You don't have to email me, I know I'm disgusting.
 

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