Monday, March 30, 2015

Creepy Tyler


It is with a heavy heart that I admit this, but my sweet little baby Tyler is a Creeper.
On March 5, he turned ONE. I never imagined that my child would harbor such frighting habits.




T-Bag is alarmingly happy and smiling all the time.
He has been exhibiting this creepy behavior since he was 2 months old. I thought the constant smiling was just a stage that would wear off eventually, but clearly it's not.




He often stares at people with a disturbing baby grin until the person looks back at him. Then he gets all excited and his eyes get big and crazy with excitement.




 Just ask my brother Matthew, who is often a victim.

If a stranger holds him, he smiles.
When he wakes up, he's smiling.





When I feed him gross food, he smiles.




He gets hurt and has a bloody nose, he smiles.








If I forget to buckle the straps of the carseat, he smiles.




When I get mad at him or tell him "NO!", you guessed it, he's smiling.




What a creeper. 


Oh yeah, 1 year old stats:
20 pounds - 15 percentile
I forgot everything else the doctor said since I am a bad mom.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Apology Dong/Flowers


Jared has bought me flowers a total of 2 times our entire 11 1/2 year relationship.
To be fair, I haven't bought him any.

I'm not a flower type of girl. I'm more of a $5 gift card to Taco Bell type of girl.


(By the way, Herriman now has it's very own Taco Bell which I am hugely excited about.)


I know this is going to be really surprising, but sometimes, my husband and I fight.

I know. Its super weird. 

Our most recent argument centered around the usual theme - I am an amazing wife who is thoughtful, amazing and I put out a lot while Jared is the worst husband in the entire world.

I'm sure you other perfect wives out there can relate.

We had a massive argument and the next day Jared went out of town.
He was gone for a few days. We didn't talk much or resolve anything.

When he came home he walked sheepishly through the door. He had bought Ryan and Tyler some toys. After they opened everything up, Jared presented me with a gift:




I can't post the unwrapped version, because it is NSFW. But here is the receipt:



Yes, that says Classic 10" Dong.

He told me he bought it for me since we would probably not be having husband-wife-special-time for a while after the big fight we had.

How thoughtful of him.

If you could see my face when he gave it to me you would think, "that girl is NOT amused".

According to the statistic I just made up, only 3% of husbands think it's funny to buy their wives Classic 10" Dongs after an argument.

I told Jear-Bear that next time, he would probably be better off if he brought me flowers instead.

Two hours later these appeared:





At least he tried.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Rock Party


Ryan turns 4 years old at the end of April.

This is a HUGE deal because this will be the first time I might throw Ryan a REAL birthday party.

I am not a believer in throwing b-day parties for my babies or toddlers. My children are not well-behaved anyway, so billing them as the center of attention is not on my priority list.

But turning 4?!?!? Four is different.
I fully expect Cryin Ryan to morph into a well-behaved gentleman on his 4th birthday.
I don't think that's unreasonable.

4 year olds are angels, right?!


We have had several serious discussions regarding said birthday.
 He has thought a lot about this, and has Martha-Sterwartically come up with a theme:

A ROCK BIRTHDAY

Rock and Roll you ask??? Oh no. Something much more sophisticated.

Just ROCKS:




Ryan almost hyperventilated with excitement when my favorite brother Jake showed up at our house with a rock.



It was Gypsum so it was all sparkly and awesome when they broke it open. But still...... It did not warrant the sheer excitement Ryan exhibited towards it.


So far, Cryin' Ryan has had the following requests for his elegant Rock party:

1. "Maaaaammmm!! I want a decorate our house wif rocks from our outside!"
2. "Maaammm! You make me a cake wif rocks and my rock cake be grey?"
3. "MAMM! We have many rocks for my friends and we all have rock fight wif eachother?!?!?!?!

 My Sweet/Mature Ryan,

1. Yes.
2. Yes.
3.  and YES!!!!!

Nothing warms my heart more than a bunch of children throwing rocks at each other..... I just hope our homeowner's insurance policy feels the same way.


P.S. Ryan just told me after WEEKS of asking for a Rock Party, that now he wants a lame Ninja Turtle and Insect party.
This is especially annoying news since I had already made his rock balloon decorations:


What a waste.


 

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Violent Cleaning

We've Been classin' it up here in Utah.

The house we bought here is surprisingly not a dump!!!!!!




I am giddy that my house is livable considering the two other houses we have bought have needed complete remodels. I've lived in a construction zone for the last 9 years of my life.
Whaahhhhhh! Feel bad for my middle class problems!!!!!

It is glorious that I don't have thin coats of drywall dust on everything I own.
I love that Jared doesn't spend all our money and every second of free time remodeling.
Plus, there is a detached garage in the backyard, so Jared can make huge DIY messes and I don't have to deal with it.

When we took possession of the house 2 months ago, I maniacally cleaned it for five days straight. I'm a little bit of psycho when it comes to cleaning and I wanted the home meticulously detailed before my family moved in and distributed our own filth.

I bought my new favorite cleaning tools:



I'm obsessed with these things. They were only $6. Better than a toothbrush, since they are stiff and strong and allow you to get violent.

I love an angry session of violent cleaning.

To clean: I get my ugly workout clothes on, put my greasy hair in a ponytail, and drink caffine until I'm foaming at the mouth. Then I stomp through the house leaving a sparkling cleanliness in my wake. It's beautiful. 

Clearly, I love a clean house.

I still miss California.

Random blog post, I know.
Bye.


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