Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Vasectomy Consideration


Husband and I both come from large loving families with 7 wonderful children each.
Which is why, before we got married, we vowed never to have that many kids.

I never had a special set number of kids that I wanted. I figured I would play it by ear and the universe or my spirit animal would tell me when my family was complete.

Well, lately Jared and I have had discussions regarding a vasectomy.

I seriously can't get enough of kids. They are so cute, funny, and innocent.

I LOVE kids..... just not my own.


The problem is neither the universe or my spirit animal has given me any signs on what to do.

That's why I made this handy flow chart to help me and everyone else:






Hopefully this helps some people with their decision.



P.S. I drew an ugly picture of Ryan and he laughed and thought it was the funniest thing ever, so I guess I don't really hate my kids and will probs have more. ugh.





Monday, July 20, 2015

Art-ing


Everyone who knows me knows that basically, I suck at life. My few redeeming qualities include: man harassmentthe uncanny ability to go for days without a shower, making elf babies, wasting time and ART.

I am a little good at drawing crap. It gets my creative juices flowing:




It sucks to be good at art since it's super hard to find jobs/income to do it.
Why can't I be good at something that pays a lot of money? Astronaughting, engineering, or CEO'ing?

It's because I spent  my high school and college years drawing instead of taking notes.
My Binders were awesome, but I should have put more time into CEO'ing.
I know that I would CEO super hard.

My sis Fachel recently moved into her an apartment and needed some stuff to hang up. I told her to buy the canvas and supplies and I would paint it. Also, I told her not to worry because if she didn't like it we could regift it to someone we hate.

I had an awesome idea to paint her some huge angel wings.

Step One: buy supplies
Step Two: paint the base color all ever the board:



Step Three: paint angel wings:




See how easy it is!!!

My sis-in-law got married and wanted one of those trendy tree sign-in guest book things so I art-ed this up for her:





All the wedding guests use stamp ink and make fingerprint "leaves", or something pinteresty like that.

I also got creative with makeup:





A skillfully cultivated living Father's Day card:




And a stimulating sidewalk chalk paint creation:





Jared was pleased with my message I wrote to him and was glad that our kids can't read.


Thursday, July 16, 2015

Sister Harassment


I'm the only person allowed to harass and threaten my family.
If anyone else does, I foam at the mouth, grow fangs, squeeze out chest hair, and drop actual testicles.
It's serious.

Even with my sis, Feg. I can be mean sometimes, but if anyone messed with her I would literally fight them. I'm talking hair in a bun, Vaseline on face, and a healthy dose of white trash rage.

I wouldn't even say sorry unless the judge made me.... but I wouldn't mean it. at. all.

I really hope nobody ever really hurts my family because I don't want to go to jail.
Unapologetic Mormon girls don't fare well in prison.


A few months ago my little sister Rachel showed me a whole bunch of text messages from her Ex-Boyfriend's idiot friend, whom I'll refer to as Kris Kerns since that's his name.


Kris was getting thug-style with his sassy texts. He called Rachel a slut, whore, and every other word regarding her proported prostituteness.

What an unoriginal idiot.

He also was a gentleman by telling Rachel how huge her ass was (sorry I swore Gayle!!!!!!!!), how fat she is and how ugly she is.

This is my Sis:









This is Kristopher Kerns:







Texts continued. He started threatening to fight her. A grown man trying to fight a girl.


Rachel showed me all the texts a few days later. I was pretty bored that day so I started frothing at the mouth.
I started texting him. He did not appreciate my refreshing wit.
Kris Kerns kept text-harrassing Rachel so I researched his Facebook profile and I drew him this:






(I covered up the bad word with green/sad face because this is a family blog and I am a lady. Also, if you don't think I'm a lady, look at how fancy I drew his name on the left. If you don't think that's ladylike you can leave this blog right now.)

He did not appreciate my artwork either :( so I sent it to a few of his friends and after a lot of funny texting, Kris stopped.
He has not contacted Rachel since.

I heard Kris got pretty mad about the picture and deleted all traces of it.
A few days later I received this:










LOL.


BTW, I would like to set one thing straight. Though I occasionally harass my family, I would NEVER, EVER call them Fagita Pita.




Tuesday, July 14, 2015

10 Things: Creepy



This is a list of crap that scares me.
Why write a list about things that scare me? Cause I'm too dumb to think of anything else right now.

Of course I'm most scared of anything bad happening to the people I love/like.
The following are minor things I find creepy and/or give me full body shivers.


1. Open Water - I'm not a great swimmer plus nasty things live in the sea.

2. Serial killers because Silence of the Lambs.



It puts the lotion on it's skin. PASS.


3. Poop. I really freaking hate it.
See?
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit C
Exhibit D

4. People who stare at you all the time. creeeeeeepy.

5. Dry skin. It reminds me of reptiles.

6. Squid and Octopus.





7. This dude from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang:



Um... NO. THANKS.


8. Big dogs.

I had a paper route in my early teens, I delivered papers on my rollerblades and got bit in the left butt cheek but a hungry dog. I'm still scarred, physically and Cynophobically.

9. Felicity from that 1990's show Tales from the Crypt:




 I just got the willies.


10. The fact that I shaved Ryan's head and now he looks like Russian serial killer Andrei Chikatilo.






(Note to future Ryan: if you ever read this remember I love you, you are handsome, and not a murderer.)



Saturday, July 11, 2015

Baby Sara Returns


My baby sister Sara went on a Mormon mission to Kansas for 18 months.

Surprisingly, she didn't get sent home early for behavior infractions.
She worked hard, served others, and grew her questionable pixie haircut out to a more acceptable length.

Mormon missionary homecomings are quite the spectacle.

Everyone gathers at the airport to see the returning missionary. Balloons, signs, and  "welcome home" banners are made since Mormons love crafting and glitter.

Since Baby Sara went to Kansas, the only logical thing to do was to make Wizard of Oz costumes for all the nieces and nephews to wear to the airport.
My mom sewed her butt off.

Aiden and Cryin Ryan were lollipop kids while Brooke was Glenda the good witch:





Little Jackson, also a lollipop kid:





New baby Noah as the scarecrow:





Laura as Dorothy and T-bag as the Tin Man.
 




Baby Sara saw Ryan's hair and I knew in my heart that she appreciated my hairstyling skills:



I don't have a pic of the lion or a pic of all the kids together cause I'm not that smart.

Of course I made the best homecoming poster ever:




Inappropriate on all levels.


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