Thursday, October 22, 2015

Free Stuff


I freaking LOVE free stuff.

I will go out of my way, waste time, waste money, and waste relationships if it means I can get something for "free."

I know nothing is ever absolutely free, but I love the moment of feeling like I won at life for once.

"Screw you unfair world! I just got some food samples at my local Costco, AND IT WAS FREE."

Last week Husband, spawns, and I went to a Herriman City Halloween event. Our city always has these holiday parties and they are always free, so you know my white trash family is going to be there.

I made sure to forget Tyler's shoes to increase our white-trashery.




Last year's 2014 celebration was packed with Herriman-ites.

I hate people. I hate dealing with crowds. I hate you. But the kids loved it and there was no cover charge so would be an unpardonable sin to not go.

The event pavilion is a 5 min walk or a 3 min skip from our house. We skipped over and was happy to find hardly anyone there.
I took Ryan around to play some carnival type games and noticed that each station had a huge plastic cauldron full of candy. There was no way they were going to use it all.


I shamelessly/skillfully made friends with the volunteers at every spot then I would ask super nicely if we could have some extra candy since there weren't that many people.





When they granted permission, Ryan and I would attack and grab huge handfuls of everything. We took SO MUCH. We filled up Ryan's trick or treat bag pretty quickly and then started on filling up my backpack since we have to morals or social grace.




Husband was pretty embarrassed so he stood on the other side of the park pretending not to know me.

The party was ending and workers started cleaning up. I noticed a ton of pumpkins decorating the stage and immediately saw an opportunity to score more free crap I don't need..

We asked if we could take one home. They said yes so easily that I quickly grabbed 4 huge pumpkins and a bunch of those little squash things and filled my stroller up with them. Nobody intervened so I guess they were OK with it. Even if they weren't OK with it, I can and will run surprisingly fast with a stroller.

I left feeling pretty satisfied with myself.
I was bragging about my plunder at my parent's house when my brother Matt walks in with a laundry basket overflowing with T-shirts.
He went to some computer programming convention and stuck it to the man by acquiring around 90 shirts........... FOR FREE.




I thought I was so hardcore for hustling 12 pounds of candy and a bunch of pumpkins, but now I feel inferior and like I need to get my priorities straight.

All that candy doesn't taste as sweet. Now it tastes like disappointment and jealousy.

90 T-shirts is impressive. He even shared with everyone while I was like, "Yeah family, I was totally going to share too and not just brag about how much I have, I just forgot to bring it  and was definitely not keeping it for myself...... I promise you guys."



I should clarify that there are a few free things I don't appreciate:

  • STD's
  •  Adult Acne
  • Surprise kisses from my kids when they have snot all over their faces
  • Massive amounts of junk mail from a lady named Jo Scott, who bought our Ohio house in 2007.
When we requested through the US Post Office that our mail be sent to California we discovered we had sold our house to a hoarder/free catalog lover. We receive about 35 different catalogs each week.

Since Jo Scott is so similar to Jared Scott we are blessed with an abundance of every catalog ever made in the free world and I hate her for it.






This is a typical day's amount:





What a ho.




1 comment:

  1. Ok. This reaffirmed why I am friends with you. I love free crap too. Yes Costco, I'll pay $50 a month for a membership just so I can feel good about getting a free sacrament cup of yogurt once a month.

    ReplyDelete

Speak with your heart or your private parts, either one is fine with me.

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