Thursday, November 17, 2016

5 Problems I Have At McDonald's Playplace






I would write an intro to this post, but I'm feeling a little rebellious.
Anyway, here are some of the problems I have everytime I take my kids to McDonald's. 


1. Getting kids to eat their food before they play.

When I was a snot-nosed kid and there was an extra special occasion, my parents rewarded us with a trip to McDonald's.
They didn't love us enough to buy us happy meals.
Actually, it probably had more to do with the fact that there were 7 kids in our family and $50 worth of happy meals didn't sound like a fun way of spending money.

We had to eat everything we ordered before we could play.
I thought my parents were such jerk-offs for this.

I swore to my 10 year old self, that I would never be such a jerk-off to my kids. never.

Fast forward 22 years, and I'm sitting here in McDonald's at 6:45pm verbally threatening my children to eat all their food or we will leave without playing and I'm not joking around one bit mister.

Funny thing is, all the other bad mom's here are having the same threat session with their little angels. 
I just made eye contact with one and we nodded to each other in mean mom solidarity.

You know how you make mom friends just by a single look that acknowledges the struggle is real?
Yeah, we did that. And now her and I are BFFs.




I don't know her name and will probs never see her again but we are still best friends.

I rewarded her by taking a creepy picture when she wasn't looking so I can scrapbook it.


2. When a bunch of teenagers come in to play.

I am all for teenagers having their fun. Just not around a bunch of small hyper children.
Someone is going to get hurt. (I can't believe I just typed that.)

Everyone knows: If you have pubes, you can't play on the Playplace.
They obviously didn't read the rules.





These cute girls rolled into the Playplace and chaos ensued.
They were running around and screaming louder than the kids were.
I helped them take a group pic under the condition that I may also take a picture and talk trash about them on my mom-blog.

 
3. Finding used Band-aids.

Remember this?
I still find used band-aids all the time. 

4. Every time a little girl screams I think it's my 5 year old boy.

One time, a shrill scream came from the slide. A dad who was there with his 3 girls got annoyed, yelled out for the screaming to stop.
Right then, Precious little Ryan crawls out of the slide, shrieking, like a girl with huge grin on his face.
 #proudmommy

5. Dirty black feet.




It's filthy there.



I really should just stop taking my kids there.

But we all know I won't, because now McDonald's sells breakfast all day and I regularly make bad parenting decisions.
Oh yeah, McDonald's has free wifi too.

And I like when my hair and clothes smells like fried animal giblets after we leave. <3



Wednesday, October 19, 2016

A Few Things I'm Mildly Upset About


I was an angry teenager.
Just look at this picture of me when I was 15:




I was probably thinking about killing small animals and how dark I should dye my hair next.
Even my freckles were angry.

As an adult, I'm more mature. I'm classier.
Now I try to avoid confrontation by flipping people off when they aren't looking or writing trash about them in my diary.

Dear Diary,
My brother Jake is an A-hole. He never invites me over for dinner.
He makes me soooo mad!!!!
Well, I have to go now, my mom made dinner and is calling me!
<3,
emily



I rarely have the urge to punch people in the crotch anymore.

Don't worry though. I still get plenty angry about some things. It's just that these days I'm a lot more chill. Mostly I get mildly upset.


Here are some things that I'm mildly upset about lately:

  • People who do not respect your personal space.
When I am waiting in a line I always stand back to give the person in front of me space because that is what considerate human beings do.
I was waiting in line yesterday at Cafe Rio and some lady behind me stayed so close to me that she practically molested me. My butt was very offended by the constant touching and caressing.
If you are a close stander, you and I can never be friends.



  • The current eyebrow trend.



I can't deal with this.
It's weird and it bugs me.
Why would you fade your eyebrows into your skin? I already have a huge space there and I don't need to accentuate it.

BTW, the reason I know I have a large gap between my brows is because years ago I was arguing with a dude and he got mad and pointed it out. Then I couldn't stop laughing and we became friends. 


  • Sparkle Jeans.
I want to understand them but I just can't.


  • My addiction to stupid Lipsense.
I'm such a lipstick whore and already have 7843 other tubes of lip stuff.
Why do I need a bunch of this brand? Because it's awesome and stays on all day. It makes me happy in ways I can't explain.




But still.
wtf.
No one needs this much lipstick.
Except me, apparently.

I even sell this stuff. I need to settle down. 

  • That I bought a slip'n'slide for the chillun' and forgot to let them play on it and now summer is over and they are whining at me.





  • People who sneeze extra loud on purpose.
It scares everyone around them. Shut up loud sneezers, you are acting like fools.
I'm looking at you, Grandpa.


  • When public places don't have baby changing tables available.
Do you know how hard it is to change a poop diaper while your kid is standing up?
Well, it's really hard and really gross. And sometimes it gets on the floor.






And if any gets on the floor, I will not clean it up, because I am a horrible person, but also to teach that facility a lesson.



  • Trump v. Clinton



These two are the nominees? This is what we have to choose between? Is this real life?
I need to go into the woods for a while and sort my feelings out.




Let's take a moment of silence for all the stuff that pisses us off a little bit.

I feel so much better. 



Monday, October 17, 2016

Why You Should Stop Folding Your Laundry


Folding laundry is for overachievers. So it's not for me.
I like to operate in the margins and do things a little different.....and I hate folding...... and I'm lazy. 


Sexy computer babe, Bill Gates, said it best:





I'm a clean freak so I wash my kids clothes, pajamas, blankets, and finger-less Micheal Jackson gloves every time they wear them. Even if they only wore it for a couple of hours.
Kids are gross.

I don't need dirty clothes fouling up my clean house.

And, I really don't like smelling boogers, dirt, and boy sweat.
I like when they smell like toxic chemicals like bleach, detergent, and fabric softener.

That's right. I routinely sniff my children.

I know this compulsion creates more laundry for me, but I am too messed up in the head to stop the washing madness.

Washing and drying the clothes is no big deal.
It's the folding that cramps my mom-ing style.


I hate folding laundry because:

  • It's sooooo boring.
I don't have a long attention span for mindless monotony. Never mind, I just remembered I look at Facebook and Pinterest all the time.
What I meant was that I don't have a long attention span for boring stuff.

  • I hate it.
I just stand at the counter for an hour and fold crap.

  • It's annoying.
The laundry is never truly done. It's annoying because every time you think you are caught up, your 2 year old pisses out of his diaper in the middle of the night and now you have to do more laundry.





  • It gets ruined by my kids. 
I make my spawns put their own laundry away because I want to teach them a lesson. And that lesson is - Mommy hates putting laundry away so you have to or I will destroy everything you love.

Inevitably, one the them drops and entire stack on the way and everything I worked so hard for is ruined.
Then those little punks scurry through their drawers like rats and unfold everything. I know my fellow mom's feel my pain on this one.




 


  • It's stupid.

  • I'm an adult and don't have to fold laundry if I don't want to. So there's that.


A few years ago I  realized that folding clothes is not necessary. You can still live a happy and fulfilled life if your undies are in wads and your shirts are shoved in a bin.







I still sort all the clothes so they are easy to find.
I'm non-nonchalant about folding but a little obsessive when it comes to organization.
Every clothing type has a designated space.

I bought a bunch of hooks to hang the kids nicer shirts and jackets on.
I got them at the Container Store and they are ridiculously useful. Hooks are so easy even T-Bag Tyler can hang up his shirts.










You know what else?
I refuse to iron anything except my hair.
Downy makes an enchanting product called wrinkle release and it actually works.
Spray that stuff on and you are good to go.
And it smells clean and fresh.







By the way, Husband does his own laundry, which is braggable.
He builds me furniture like a man and washes his own clothing like a woman. He also puts the toilet seat down.

He is so romantic.


These actions make up for the time when he bought me that apology dong.



If I was strong enough to stop folding, then so are you. (Unless you honestly enjoy folding, in that case you fold your little heart out. I respect your laundry decisions.)

It's time to make a stand against the establishment. Stick it to the Man and stop folding laundry. They can't control you anymore.
You can be lazy about laundry if you really put your mind to it.

YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS.

Good luck comrade.




Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Shark Floor Steamer Is Just OK


Meh.
Whatever.
Nothing Special.
                      
-My thoughts on the Shark Steam Mop





My habitual cleaning addiction had me dreaming of a floor steamer FOR-EV-ERRR.
I would fantasize about sparkling clean floors and how I would roll around on them naked. (Then clean them again, obviously because of swass.)

While skipping around Walmart I spotted the Shark Steam Mop on sale for $40.

I was stoked that the cleaning gods bestowed this gift upon me. 
I smacked my lips and may have drooled a little bit. Don't Judge me.

Plus, look how happy the model looks holding the product in her manicured hand:





So I get it home, and after the kids go to bed I put it together.
It was really easy to assemble, but since I'm secretly a 12 year old boy I get distracted easily.

After I popped my zits, painted my toenails, ate some tootsie rolls and skittles from my candy cabinet, and pet the cat, I finally started steaming my floor.

One thing you should know if you are cleaning with a steamer for the first time:

You are a gross, disgusting excuse for a human. And I hope you're proud of yourself.

I thought I kept my floor extremely clean, but then I steamed it and realized my failures as a housewife and a female in general. 





Steamers will remove dirt you didn't even know existed.
This is just one more area of my life where I'm nasty. great.


As far as the Shark Steam Mop goes, it was just ok.

You have to go over the same spot 4-6 times before it's completely clean. And you have to go slow so the steam can work.
I bet I could get my floors just as clean if I used a normal mop and painstakingly went over everything 6 times.

And it's small so it took me an entire night and most of the next day to clean my floors.


I guess for $40 I can't complain that much. It got the job done.

But I wouldn't recommend it anyone unless I hated them and wanted them to spend a lot of time cleaning.





Monday, October 10, 2016

My Kid Is Bad In Kindergarten



Little Cryin Ryan is growing up.

He started school last month.
I didn't even cry.
Just kidding, I cried once, then had a pity party for myself complete with a 5lb bag of gummi bears.






We went to the Back To School night to check out where I would be abandoning my child.
His teacher, Mrs. Wilson is super cute and around my age, I assume.

She had pieces of paper that parents could pick one to help donate supplies to the classroom.
Each paper had a certain item listed.


I took 4.
The teacher was like, "you don't have to take 4! 1 is more than enough. Most parents don't even take one!"

And because I usually do whatever I want, I was like, "I'll take 4, it's no big deal. Plus, I need to compensate for the fact that you have to have Ryan in your class for a year."

I went to Costco and bought a huge amount of tissues, paper cups, paper plates, and paper towels.

When I dropped everything off, I noticed that she still had a bunch of the slips of paper hanging out. I insisted that I grab a couple more.

When I dropped the second load of suck-up supplies off, Mrs. Wilson was really grateful. Once again, I mentioned that fact that Ryan can be a handful and I'm trying to make up for it.
She laughed like I was joking.

But I wasn't joking at all.


I try to volunteer in Ryan's classroom once in a while.
I was obliviously helping kids paint when I looked over and saw this:





Ryan was on the RED.
That little A-hole.





Only 2 kids were on RED and one of them belonged to me.

I couldn't believe it.
Just kidding again. I could totally believe it.
Why else would I spend $75 on school crap for their classroom?
I knew this was going to happen.


I talked to Ryan. Turns out he is well-aware that he misbehaves. At least he takes responsibility.
I grounded him from his Kindle.
Then I realized that was more of a punishment for me, so I grounded him from his friends and made him write a sorry letter.






If your kids are little punks, you can make them write apology letters! Look at this convenient free font:  KG Primary Dots from dafont.com


The next week Ryan stayed in the middle on GREEN for a solid 3 days.

But as of Friday, he is on RED again.

He said it was because he was talking to a girl about the bad-guy clowns "trying to kill everyone."
Fair enough. That's a serious topic for a child.

I told him it wasn't true and if it was true then it would be on the news.
Then my dumb-A turned on KSL 1160 and guess what they were talking about?.... the freaking clowns.

Thanks a lot KSL.




What I want to know is, is it ethically wrong to tell your kid that killer clowns only hurt kids when their clips get moved to RED?


I'm on the fence on this one.



Friday, October 7, 2016

The Truth About Lipsense




Dude.

A lipstick exists that really lasts all day, and I feel so blessed.
I am so excited about this lip stuff that if I was a boy, I would have the biggest boner ever erected.

I really like lip stuff.

I don't know about you, but I feel a lot more put together when I have lipstick or gloss on, even if I'm not wearing any other makeup.






My friend from high school, Dante, is a little punk and started selling this stuff on Facebook.
Now I'm addicted and can't stop buying new colors from her.
I doesn't help that she is cute, nice, and funny. She is one of those girls you really want to hate but can't since they are so cool. 


I saw a demonstration similar to this:




I immediately thought, what kind of sorcery is this? I NEED IT.

So instead of buying food, diapers, and donating to charity that week I ordered lipstick..... like a good citizen.


It's called Lipsense.
I know.
Dumb name and even more horrible packaging.

A gold wand and a gold logo from late 1998?



For $25 a tube you would think the packaging would be a little more impressive. Has this company never walked into Sephora and seen how beautiful lipstick can be?

But since the product is amazing, I will excuse the tacky packaging.

Lipsense stays on ALL DAY and it's magical.
It's water-proof, smudge-proof, feather-proof, and kiss-proof.
For real.

My husband and 2 sons love that I don't leave lizard shaped kiss-prints on their faces anymore.

It's also vomit-proof, drool-proof, and baby-hitting-you-in-the-face-proof.
I may know from experience.



But there are some things you should know before buying Lipsense:


  • You HAVE to watch the tutorials before you put it on. This lip stuff is not normal, and it won't work if you just throw it on like usual lipstick.  Try this one and here
  •  
     
  •  The first time you put on, it stings ("tingles" is what the website says, but I prefer to save this adjective for when I'm blogging about my husband) for a few seconds right when you apply it, but it's not a big deal.

  • When you first start using it, your lips might self-exfoliate or peel. Mine didn't peel, but they did get all dry/wrinkly for a few days.
The company says that your lips are exfoliating/peeling years of wax buildup from use of crappy chapsticks and other lip products.

But let's think about how absurd this is for a moment.
Years of wax build up? On my lips?
It's more likely that your lips are adjusting to the Lipsense formula and drying out since the first ingredient listed is Alcohol Denat. aka Denatured Alcohol.


Either way, this lipstick is still freaking amazing and I'm obsessed..... even if I suspect they lie about wax build-up. 


  • You can buy a bunch of different lipsticks and layer them to create custom colors and it's awesome. You can even find dupes for MAC lipstick colors online. 



  • When you order, DO NOT go to the Lipsense website to preview colors. 
Their website is crappy and the colors they show don't match the actual product at all. Instead google it or look colors up on Pinterest.You can also look up this girls Facebook page, but she looks great in every color so lets all secretly hate her while simultaneously having a girl crush on her. 


  • You are only supposed to use Lipsense Brand lip gloss over the lip color.
It does work great and extend the life of the lip color, but it's $20. I am a lip gloss whore and like to use and abuse it.You are supposed to wear their gloss or balms all the time. Even at night and when you aren't wearing the color.

I usually do whatever I want, so I rebel and only use the gloss when I have the color on.
And guess what? I still feel ok about myself.

Just make sure when you aren't wearing the color, the lip stuff you use is moisturizing and contains ingredients like shea butter or jojoba oil. 

Any gloss or chapstick with mint in it jacked up the Lipsense colors pretty bad.
Lip Smackers also messes it up.

Ultimately, the Lipsense gloss works the best and it's nice to have some around, but it's ok if you don't use it all the time.
(They do have a matte gloss that I want to try and I'm pissed off because it's sold out right now. #1stworldproblems)

  • Only use the Oops! Remover for little mistakes you make while applying your color. 


Using it at the to remove all of the lipstick takes forever, wastes product, and is a pain in the face. It also costs $10. Use a washcloth and Neutrogena Facial Cleansing Bar.



It's fast and only costs $3. Save the Oops Remover for application mistakes only.
BTW, the Remover comes in the starter kit for really cheap so if you get that, it's enough to last you for a loooonnnnggg time. 


  • Lipsense lasts a whole lot longer than regular lipstick since you are only applying it once a day. 



Less product used = Less money spent on lipstick.
Then you can buy more Lipsense. 


  • I especially like that it smells medicinal. There is no way my kids are going to eat this stuff, which means I automatically just saved a ton of money and anger.
     
This is a big deal for me. I don't even want to think about how much money I've spent on lip stuff that my kids have ruined and/or eaten.

  • Lipsense dries fast and has no taste.
It's also surprisingly comfortable to wear. I assumed it would feel weird since it is so different from every other lip product, but it feels like a normal gloss or chapstick does.




AND how can you resist supporting a company that rewards it's sassy adult sales team with tiaras, sashes, and a throne?




I know I can't resist!



I am going back and forth on whether I want to sell it or not.
Mostly I want to sell it because I want the distributor discount.

But I am also too straight forward about the gloss and remover so I don't know if it would be worth it since I'd be talking people out of buying product.

Ugh. But I really want that discount.


.....And a sassy sales team tiara.
Just kidding, I already have a tiara from the party supply store.




But until then, if you want to buy any, you can go on their 1990's looking website and find a distributor near you or let me know and I will get Dante your info, she can ship anywhere and is really fast and prompt.

If I end up selling it, I will let you guys know and I could hook you guys up with some sort of deal.

Because what is better than everything-proof lipstick?
Getting a discount.


UPDATE:

You better can buy it from me! 

Ugh, this stuff is too awesome not to buy a ton of it.
So I gave in and signed up as a distributor. 

Check out my lame Facebook group page and I'll add you as a member. You can also comment or email me with questions and/or orders.
I ship anywhere in the U.S. and provide tracking numbers.


I'll hook you up with the starter kit for $50 instead of $55  if you mention that you read my blog or admit to laughing when small children say the "F" word. 




Look at the lame video I had to make for the facebook page:




Don't judge me, jerks.


Even if you don't buy it from me, you have to try this stuff if you wear lipstick.
I apologize in advance for introducing you to this. It's addicting. 




Monday, October 3, 2016

Why Wiggle Bikes Piss Me Off A Little Bit






I bought my little angles wiggles bikes for Christmas 2015.




I got them on a sweet sale. 2 bikes for $50. I was happy since I was going to buy them anyway, but the universe knows how much discounts mean to me and blessed me with this sale.

The boys LOVE the bikes.




Actually everyone loves these bikes, including my 60-something year old father in-law.
 




We went to a skate park with sis-in-law Stephanie and her kids to see if anyone could survive.
There were multiple close calls.

I didn't take pictures of all the boys there. I was too busy trying not to let my heart drop out of my butt 10 times.

The kids had no fear + they are dumb = Boy-momming is nerve racking at the skate park.

I'm glad we brought their helmets.

The worst thing to happen was that one year old Noah slurped up some tepid water from an old puddle and vomited 3 times the next day.
Luckily he is alive and well.

Noah routinely eats dirt, pine cones, and berries he finds on the ground so I think he is somewhat immune to disease.






Even though wiggles bikes are cool, they also piss me of a little bit.

Kids drag their feet while riding them and it completely ruins their shoes. 



My kids jacked up 3 pairs of nice shoes before I caught on. 



I learned my lesson about buying nice kids shoes. 

Now both my boys have designated "wiggle bike shoes", complete with duct tape for a little white trash flair. 




  

Anyway, don't let your kids ride wiggle bikes unless they are wearing crappy shoes. 




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