Friday, January 15, 2016

Meet Wolfy


Ryan is in a disturbing stage of life right now.

He is obsessed with Wolves.




When I ask him why, he tells me - "Wolves are legendary predators and they are carnivores. They hunt in packs and are nocturnal."
Then I have to get out a dictionary to find out what that means.




He gets mad when I refer to him as "Ryan" - and yells, "Mooommmm! I'm called Wolfy!!!!!!!!!"

He asks for meat every meal.
It's creepy.

He leaps around on all fours, even in public.... wait... especially in public.


video

I had to have a serious talk with him about that. I don't need any more reasons for child services to be called on me.

Wolfy constantly reminds me that we are a wolf family and we only do wolf things.

  • We should howl at the moon. Or the sun. Or actually, just howl at everything
  • No using your hands to eat since we don't have hands, we only have paws.
  • It's totally fine to growl/hiss at things that piss you off.
  • Wolf pups stay up late since wolf families don't pay heed to human rules.
  • It's also completely OK to claw someone/anyone.
  • Who cares if you're in public, you better act like the legendary wolf you are.
  • We have to be alert in case any hunters come around. If you get scared you hide in a cardboard box or behind the couch.
  • We have to lift up one leg for a truly authentic pee session.





Good thing wolf pups are cute.

I fully expect him to come home after his first semester of college with a majestic wolf tattoo and no friends.






So that's where I'm at in my life right now.  



Monday, January 11, 2016

Hawaiian Ryan


As of right now, Ryan is my favorite child.
I switch between my kids regularly.



The second week of December my parents and my creepy little family went to Hawaii.




Ryan was a champ on the plane rides, probably because I let him play Minecraft for 7 hours straight.

Tyler was the Antichrist. He puked everywhere and I swear his head rotated a full 360 degrees. He slept in the airport before the plane ride so he would be rested enough to inflict terror during the flight.




Ryan was so excited to see everything. I love when kids are in awe of the world.





Tyler had an attention span of 1.02458 seconds.




Ryan snorkeled like a pro.




He snorkeled every chance he got.
He was very concerned that someone littered food in the water because it was too salty.

He snorkeled in places that I wouldn't even get into. I was pretty concerned about how fearless he was, even though we put him in swimming lessons after he fell in a pond downtown.

He was stoked when we went star gazing and he saw the moon and a galaxy through huge telescopes.




When he found out my sister Rachel was having a bad day back in Utah he was very concerned. He sent her this sincere message:


video


Hawaiian Ryan also likes to explore creepy cemeteries as much as I do.







He loved having my parents along to entertain him.

















Tyler was generally pissed off the whole time.







Ryan's mind was blown at a Luau where he saw a roasted pig carcass and girls shaking their butts.





Who would have thought Pee-Baby would grow up into such a fun kid? I had serious doubts.




Maybe there is still hope for little Tyler.





Or maybe not.

It's a good thing I think he's adorable.



Friday, January 8, 2016

Boobs and Butts



Remember how huge boobs used to be all the rage?
Well don't worry my large-breasted friends, big boobs are still cool.

Do you know what's even more popular now though?
BUTTS. Where. your. poo. comes. out.

A ton of people are getting boob and butt jobs.





I was always pretty bitter having small breasts but now I have to deal with my insufficient butt too.  It's not right.


I took a bunch of African-American History/Sociology classes in college because that stuff is fascinating and also because I want to be black.
I was usually one of the only white students.

One lecture was about stereotypical differences in White people and Black people.

Someone said - There's the stereotype that Black girls have big booties and White chicks have no booty.

Then another dude says - That's no stereotype, that's true. Look at  Shaniqua's butt then look at Emily's...... See?!?!?!

I had to stand up and offer proof of my insufficient white booty.

Then I felt sad in my heart because even though parts of me are black on the inside, I knew I would never be black on the outside.


Everywhere I look in our society I see big tits and huge bums and it's not fair.

Girls are always posting skanky pictures of themselves all over social media.


It is probably offensive to many people who look at my profile and don't find soft-core porn selfies. (And to those of you who are offended by my lack of nudity, I apologize.)
I thank the good Lord everyday that social media and camera phones were not around during my high school and college days.  

My boobs were never something to brag about but breastfeeding my two kids has destroyed what little credibility I had.
My chest is literally inverted. Here, I will draw you a classy diagram:




Ummm.... yeah.


When girls I know get boob jobs I applaud them, then work up an unhealthy amount of jealousy.

I would love perky adult sized boobies.
I would take such good care of them. I would feed them, walk them, make sure they were socialized so they'd be nice around children and other people's boobs.
I would love to have a legitimate reason to wear a sports bra.
It would be cool to not be mistaken for an 11 year old boy. 

But every time I consider getting a Breastical Augmentation, I just can't do it.

Walking around with two bags of silicone in my body seems so biologically wrong.
Sleeping on my stomach would be difficult.
What if the surgery goes bad, my boobs come out looking like tube socks and I end up on Dr. Phil?
What if when I  have another baby and the baby doesn't like the taste of silicone?
Touching my elbows together would be borderline pornographic.
Skipping and jumping rope would be out of the question.



But even while I feel my butt and boobs are inferior, I find solace in the fact that every time I go online, "Hot, Young Singles" are looking to meet me for only $29.99/month.





LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...