Friday, January 8, 2016
Boobs and Butts
Remember how huge boobs used to be all the rage?
Well don't worry my large-breasted friends, big boobs are still cool.
Do you know what's even more popular now though?
BUTTS. Where. your. poo. comes. out.
A ton of people are getting boob and butt jobs.
I was always pretty bitter having small breasts but now I have to deal with my insufficient butt too. It's not right.
I took a bunch of African-American History/Sociology classes in college because that stuff is fascinating and also because I want to be black.
I was usually one of the only white students.
One lecture was about stereotypical differences in White people and Black people.
Someone said - There's the stereotype that Black girls have big booties and White chicks have no booty.
Then another dude says - That's no stereotype, that's true. Look at Shaniqua's butt then look at Emily's...... See?!?!?!
I had to stand up and offer proof of my insufficient white booty.
Then I felt sad in my heart because even though parts of me are black on the inside, I knew I would never be black on the outside.
Everywhere I look in our society I see big tits and huge bums and it's not fair.
Girls are always posting skanky pictures of themselves all over social media.
It is probably offensive to many people who look at my profile and don't find soft-core porn selfies. (And to those of you who are offended by my lack of nudity, I apologize.)
I thank the good Lord everyday that social media and camera phones were not around during my high school and college days.
My boobs were never something to brag about but breastfeeding my two kids has destroyed what little credibility I had.
My chest is literally inverted. Here, I will draw you a classy diagram:
When girls I know get boob jobs I applaud them, then work up an unhealthy amount of jealousy.
I would love perky adult sized boobies.
I would take such good care of them. I would feed them, walk them, make sure they were socialized so they'd be nice around children and other people's boobs.
I would love to have a legitimate reason to wear a sports bra.
It would be cool to not be mistaken for an 11 year old boy.
But every time I consider getting a Breastical Augmentation, I just can't do it.
Walking around with two bags of silicone in my body seems so biologically wrong.
Sleeping on my stomach would be difficult.
What if the surgery goes bad, my boobs come out looking like tube socks and I end up on Dr. Phil?
What if when I have another baby and the baby doesn't like the taste of silicone?
Touching my elbows together would be borderline pornographic.
Skipping and jumping rope would be out of the question.
But even while I feel my butt and boobs are inferior, I find solace in the fact that every time I go online, "Hot, Young Singles" are looking to meet me for only $29.99/month.