Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Gross Things at the Grocery Store


Once I was looking for soup at the grocery store and saw this:





Campbell's Golden Mushroom Soup.

Have you ever heard of a Golden Mushroom?
It sounds dirty and sexual. Like something you do in college and should probably have a pre-arranged safe word planned with your partner.
A cloudy brown broth with chunks of soft mystery items is not what I want in my mouth.


I also saw this disturbingly named candy:


 



A Reester Bunny?

I feel really uncomfortable about this.



I saved the most disturbing thing for last.
EVERY TIME we are in the produce section, T-Bag insists on getting out the shopping cart and finding the most phallic looking vegetable. Then he hits himself on the head with it and says, "Bonk."





I don't know why he does this.
We don't do this at our house. I know I may seem like the type of mom that bonks myself in the head with vegetables, but I'm telling the truth. We really don't do this. 




Monday, March 28, 2016

Blame it on the Kids



I don't know what kind of time-machine trickery is going on in my life.

Baby Tyler is doing the exact same things Cryin Ryan did as a 2 year old.

You know that old saying - "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me?"

Yeah?
Well screw that. I will not accept that shame.
I am still going to blame my children.

It is not my fault that they don't know how to handle themselves around permanent markers. 

I can't be responsible for keeping sharpies out of their reach all of the time.




 I also can't be blamed for stupidly buying $18 Lancome lipstick while I have feral children in the house.
It's clearly their fault for not respecting how moisturizing, smooth, and what a great color this lipstick was.

And yes, after Ryan ruined an entire tube of it in 2011, I went and bought a couple more of the EXACT color, because it's my favorite, and Tyler ruined the same ones.




They need to learn the difference between my $1.50 Lip Smackers chap stick and my Sephora investments. I keep them right next to each other!!!

Why do kids always ruin the expensive stuff!?!?!?

I'm sick of this.
They need to grow up and be adults.


Look at them running around in their best white trash costumes - messy hair, diaper with pee in it, and an Eggo waffle.
I don't know why they think it's ok to act like that.






Fine. Maybe their behavior is a little bit my fault.

Like just a really tiny bit.



Friday, March 25, 2016

Dinosaur Sex



Like most little boys Ryan is obsessed with Dinosaurs.

So a while ago I found these pictures of Dinosaurs doing it  making sweet dino love.






I saved them on my computer for the next time I'm in a fight with someone and feel like being extra petty.
I will text these pics to their phone and will win the argument by default since the person I'm fighting with will automatically be humbled and wished they had thought of sending dino porn first.

So Ryan and I were looking at some of his baby pictures on my laptop and he saw one of the thumbnails of the dino porn. Of course he wanted to see them, and I forgot that I had them. I assumed they were just normal pictures of Dinosaurs.

I click on the folder.




Ryan tilts his head to the side and studies the 2 Dinos while I hurried to close the window.







Ryan got mad and was like, "Why can't I look at those Dinosaurs? They are just wrestling and giving massages."
I tried to play it cool and just agreed with him.

Yeah.... wrestling and massages......







BTW: Awesome artwork by Jose Antonio Penas


Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Rat Baby


My little baby sis, Sara, got married last December and is already knocked up and about 8-ish weeks along.
I'm impressed her new husband actually found the right hole in such a short time.
It was a solid 6 years before Husband and I found it.


Sara is 21 and her baby daddy is 20. They are both freshmen in college.
I have to give a little street credit to people who get pregnant on purpose when they are that young and still in school.

Sara is super excited and will be a much better parent than I would have been at that age.

If I had kids when I was 21, I would have screwed my kids up worse than I already have.
And I would probably be in jail right now.

I'm 10 years older than Sara and have two kids. I'm basically a pregnancy expert.
That's why every once in a while I send her fun pregnancy facts:






She had an ultrasound and texted the pictures to us.
After you've had a couple of kids you know that ultrasounds all look the same so it's not that cool to see one. Like, I'm happy for you and all, but these mean nothing to me.... but I'm still glad you like them.

BUT THEN I SAW THIS ONE:


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It's a freaking rodent!!!




I'm not here to judge though. I will treat that little Rat Baby kindly and with love. Just like I treat all my human nieces and nephews.

  • I can't wait to help Sara get it's room/cage all ready.
  • I am going to buy the best chew toys for it.
  • I'll teach Sara how to properly swaddle a Rat so it's claws can't get out.
  • If Rat Baby bites me, I'll be cool about it and not cause a scene.
  • When it come to my house for a sleepover when it's older, I'll let it sleep in the heating vents or the attic so it's more comfortable.
  • I also plan on supporting all of Rat Baby's dreams and life choices, because that's the type of Aunt I am.

I heard rats can form bonds with humans pretty easily so I am excited to welcome this little mammal into our family.

Congrats Sara and Alek!!!




Monday, March 21, 2016

Chicken Babies


I am all about free kid entertainment.
That's why I go to nasty McDonalds, Walmart's toy section, IKEA, and church.




We also go to this awesome pet store in Riverton named Pet Planet. I tell my kids it's the aquarium.
We go so much the owner knows us. He also knows we are freeloaders and never going to buy anything, but he is still nice and accepts me as a person.

What is cool about Pet Planet is they have a ton of animals. Not like Petco, who only has fish and some sad looking hamsters.

Pet Planet has every reptile, tons of spiders, fish, birds, kittens, dogs, and all the creepy small mammals that pee in wood shavings.



One day I was driving home and saw a farming supply store, IFA, with a big sign saying "Baby Chicks are Here!!!" I swerved into the parking lot so fast I almost wrecked my car.




I told the boys it was a special petting zoo, but only with chickens, and it also happened to sell cowboy boots and horse feed. It's cool though, cause they still believed me. 

The chicks were in pens and could only stick their little heads out to eat, but it was fine, since you could still pet their fluffy heads and let them eat out of your hands.




They were sooooooo cute.

I almost shoplifted one.

I was gazing lovingly into the baby chicks eyes when I hear a gleeful laugh from Baby Tyler.

I look over and he's holding a chick he pulled out of the cage.  By. It's. Head.
He's also squishing the crap out of it.

For real though, crap was coming out the chicks B-hole.




Not only was he killing the chick, he was super proud of himself.





We hurried and made sure it wasn't hurt and put it back in the pen immediately.

Just kidding, we held the fluffy chick  for like, 15 minutes, until we saw an IFA employee come see what everyone was laughing at, then Ryan shoved it sideways through cage.

Oh yeah, in my defense, T-Bag dressed himself that day. 





No wonder all the chicks liked him.


Friday, March 11, 2016

Blog Apologies


Hey. I really feel it's time to say thank you to everyone that reads my dumb, trashy blog. For realsies. Kind, thoughtful, and usually hilarious comments keep me laughing which is one of my favorite things in life.


I love stalking my readers and creepily enjoy each post. So thank you, thank you, thank you for the free entertainment.
Oh, and if you have a private blog, screw you. You better add my email to your list: emilybarlocker@yahoo.com because I don't like my blog-stalking hindered in any way.

Ok, so I read a lot of other peoples blogs and am confused at the amount of apologies bloggers present to their readers.

  • I've been sooooo bad at blogging lately... SORRY!
  • My life has been too busy to blog.... SORRY!
  • I haven't blogged recently because I've been pinteresting and facebooking too much.... SORRY!
  • I finally showered and got my life together so I couldn't post.... SORRY!
  • My jail privileges were revoked so I couldn't blog for 12-16 months. SO SORRY! 


I never apologize for my inconsistent blogging.
Partly because I'm better than everyone but also because it's a freaking blog.
I'm inconsistent. So what.
You shouldn't apologize either.

So why do I even write this blog?

I write this blog because shocking and/or grossing people out is fun for me.
Once my kids are over the age of 30, I hope it will be an appallingly honest form of family history for them.

I love making people laugh.

That's why I draw, and that's why I write, and that's why I had kids.
 
The best compliment I can receive is someone telling me my adult acne is looking better or that my blog is funny.


Life is hard sometimes and laughing is as essential as breathing.

I like to think my trashy blog is contributing to the greater good.

If someone is having a bad day I hope they can read a post and feel better by throwing all their pity my way instead. I hope for the 3 minutes it takes to read one of my lazy posts, you are transported away from your troubles and experience the questionable world I live in.




That's also why I am so open about how messed up my view on the world is. Life is never perfect and honesty can be hilarious.

Some Researcher from USC contacted me about my blog.


He is doing some research on personal blogs about why people share their personal lives on the internet and to what extent.

I guess he wants to find correlations between basic demographics, political/religious views, whether you sit down to pee or not, and blogging.

Usually I would not participate in something like this because: lazy.


But my inner Sociologist got the biggest boner ever so I contacted the dude back and hooked him up with a lot of inappropriate information.

I hope the data I provided really skews the results.

Looks like my degree is really paying off when I can skew results for other people's graduate thesis work. At one point I answered that one of the primary things I write about is poo.
I don't know what's wrong with me.

Anyway, a picture to thank you:




Ew..... too creepy. SORRY!

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Black Santa


Almost every holiday I try to buy one nice decoration for my house.
I hate all the cheap crap that people throw all over their houses, so I just save up a little money then buy something super rad.

Last Halloween we bought an old medical poster of a skull.



cool.


Last December I was searching everywhere to find a special Christmas decoration. I went to Pottery Barn, Thai Pan Trading Outpost, Dillards, Restoration Hardware and some smelly old antique shops.

I has just about given up hope.

I decided to try Hobby Lobby last.
I walked around and suddenly felt a burning in my bosom. I turned around and felt the spirit guide me to this treasure.




A Black Santa.

I love Christmas, I love Black People, and I love 40% off coupons. I bought it immediately.

Every time I look at Black Santa I feel a sense of peace and comfort, knowing that I endured to the end and did the right thing.

I'm so stoked about Black Santa that he is now a permanent decoration year round.




the end.

Monday, March 7, 2016

Booger Munching


Ryan is surprisingly not a booger eater.

I know most kids eat their boogers but it's freaking nauseating so Husband and I have always encouraged our spawn to use a tissue. We don't want our kids to be snot munchers.

Ryan is disgusted that some kids eat their boogers. At church he saw another kid slurp down some snot and he freaked out. It literally blew his mind. I had to take him outside and calm him down.

But then #2 came along and insists on eating his own mucus.
Tyler refuses to just be an adult and use a Kleenex.


Anytime Tyler has snot all over his face, which is all the time, I go grab a tissue. Once he sees me walking towards him he rushes to pick his nose and eats it before I get there. Then he smiles at me, very satisfied with himself.

He even laughs sometimes like eating boogers is delightful.


Here is my dilemma though.

Ryan will pick his nose in random places and yell out that he has a huge booger on his finger and needs a tissue.
Then he holds it out to me like it's a gift and I have to wipe it off.

Ryan also is partial to wiping his nose on his sleeve. If he has a cold, his sleeves are sure to be covered in thin layers of crust.
He also likes to wipe snot on his car seat. 

I find his used tissues throughout the house.
Sometimes I find snot wiped on top of the toilet paper roll and left there for an innocent bystander to discover.


I don't have to deal with any of that nastiness with Tyler since he just eats them.

(Dude. I just realized that since Tyler eats boogers, he also digests them, which means when I change his diapers I am actually wiping up booger-poop. I hate my brain. I can't un-think that.)


So which habit is grosser? Kids eating their boogers or leaving snail trails everywhere they go?

I think this is one of those no-win situations.



Friday, March 4, 2016

10 Things: Cleaning


Time for a super fascinating blog post.
You will probably want to make time to read this in one sitting.

Cleaning.
I love clean stuff.
I cannot function in a dirty unorganized environment. I am the A-hole who will be a guest at your house and start cleaning randomly. I do it to my gross brother Jake all the time.
I am also a cleaning product whore.
I try everything, but the following are my favorites.


1. Bona
This floor cleaner is magical. Cleans and dries fast and leaves no streaks. Plus the name sounds like boner.



2. Method Cleaner
Smell delicious and doesn't leave streaks on granite.





3. Barkeepers Friend
Any friend of a barkeepers is a friend of mine. 
 



4. Clorox Bleach
Because germs.




5. Sprayway Stainless Steel cleaner
I am really hateful towards fingerprints on stainless steel. One time I wanted to start a Concentration Camp for wayward prints but then I found this cleaner and am working through my problems like an adult.




6. Sprayway Glass Cleaner
No streaks and it's cheap at Costco.





7. Swiffer Dusters
Cause I'm lazy.



8. Mr. Clean with Fabreze
If heaven had a signature scent, this would be it.





9. Downy Scent Beads
Laundry sucks. It sucks significantly less when it smells amazing. The smell stays on your clothes and sheets for over a week and it is delightful.




10. A Razor Blade
I live in Herriman and have hard water. I obsessively scrape build-up so I can feel good about life again. Also to cut someone if I need to.






And here's a picture to make you feel dirty and uncomfortable:




Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Candy Threats


I am no stranger to finding questionable things on my front porch.
Remember this nausea-inducing Potato Bug? What about the Butt/Wiener vase?

That all happened in California.
Things have been a little slower here in Utah.

Well, last week I was surprised/stoked to find a little something on my door step.





It was a sheet of paper with a drawing of a piece of candy on the front.

Kind of cute, right?

Then I open it up to find this:





Please give us 3 candys NOW!

Leave it on your frouik Porch.
List of things you can give
us:

snickers
twix
chips
oreos

from ?


I don't know who wrote it but I do know:

  • it was from more than one person.
  • those persons are kids.
  • they don't know that chips technically aren't candy.
  • they know about my emergency preparedness candy stash.
  • that their capitalization of the word "NOW" means business.
  • and that I'm even more concerned by their use of proper punctuation.


I wasn't about to wait around for something crazy to happen.

I gathered a reasonable offering of Starbursts and Pop Rocks from my candy cupboard (yes, I have an entire kitchen cabinet just for candy, don't judge me, you don't know me).
I knew the perpetrators were likely watching from a distance so I walked out slowly with my hands up where they could see them. My heart was beating fast.
I placed the candy carefully on my porch, exactly as they had demanded, and steadily backed up into my house. 



I creepily watched from my window to see who would come gather the candy, but after 3 minutes I got super bored so I left and watched the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. 

I am so glad I had the emergency stockpile of candy because if threatening letters from middle-class white kids isn't an emergency, then I don't know what is.


Tuesday, March 1, 2016

A Thoughtful Post About Farts



It has recently come to my attention that my entire blog is devoid of fart jokes.



I was surprised and disappointed. I didn't purposefully avoid the subject on moral grounds or tactfulness. I am no stranger to gross things.

I began a serious introspection as to why farts have never made an appearance here. I even went on a hike in my backyard to sort my feelings out.

After walking 14 feet I realized it is because I am deeply scarred emotionally by farts and farting.

I grew up with the 3 grossest brothers in the world.

My young life was filled with rancidity.
All 3 of them practiced the low art form of "butter-cupping".
Do you know what that freaking is?!?!?!
It's when you fart into your hand then release it under someone's nose.




Crop dusting was also routinely practiced.
Where you fart while walking, misting your stench on innocent people.




There was a lot of of the boys simply sitting on top of you and farting in your face or in your lap. Like an unwelcome birthday gift.

Farts were regularly lit on fire, my pet kitten was regularly buttercupped, and if you pissed one of the boys off, they would fart on your pillow and tell you the next morning.

One of my little sisters was dating this total douche bag named TY. They were both 18 years old and in the teenage stage of claiming they were Vegetarian, because that is the trendy thing to do these days.
Our whole family hated this car-less, jobless, college-less, smug little pipsqueak. TY loved telling people that he was going to be a professor of theoretical physics. He didn't really know what that meant, but it sounded good.

My sis and Professor Douche were over for a family dinner at my parents house. My mom had made beef stew, so they sat at the table eating nothing since they were vegetarian and too cool.
TY was a self satisfied little idiot the whole dinner while my family played along.




After TY bragged about not eating the beef stew because he's vegetarian, my little brother Matthew stood up to get more food.
He walked by TY and literally bent over and farted in TY's mouth.
Then Matthew said, "How do you like that beef stew?"
My family loved it.
TY never had dinner with them again.

I guess the moral of the story is if you don't like someone coming to dinner at your house, just fart in their mouth?


Clearly nothing is sacred in the Barlocker house.

Oh yeah, Matthew was like, 27 years old when he farted in that dude's mouth. 

And now you know why my blog isn't littered with fart jokes.
It's too painful.
I wonder if LDS Family Services runs any support groups for this. I could really use the help to overcome these painful memories.

P.S. The beef stew story totally counts as a fart joke.



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