Monday, July 25, 2016

10 Inappropriate Parenting Tips For Small Children





I like to think my parenting skills reflect in my children's behavior. So if you've ever met my kids, you know how inappropriate my skills are.
Even though I'm not a model parent, I still wanted to contribute to the internets world of parenting advice.
I apologize.



1. Before taking your kid to the doctor for immunizations, tell him he is getting 20 pokes with the needle. Then when he only gets 2-4 shots, he will be relived and totally stoked.


2. After your kid finishes a bottle or sippy cup and it's empty, put it in the fridge so you never have to actually wash it.
(Thanks for that brilliant piece of advice Kelly!)


3. Spray an obscene amount of Lysol and/or Febreze right before you empty a diaper genie sausage, then it will smell like disinfectant, spring meadows, and day old crap. Which believe me, is way better than just day old crap smell by itself.




4. Don't let your kids ever see you pee in the shower. If they do, they will forever think it's normal and do it every chance they get. They may even pee in there when it's the middle of the day and you guys aren't taking a shower.




5.  You can easily lock your kids outside in the backyard. Then when you've had enough alone time, act like locking the door was an accident.


6. If your kids bug you to buy them a dog, but you already deal with enough butts and poop as it is, tell your kid you will buy them a dog after they clean up all your neighbor's dog's poop for an entire month.


7. Don't ever travel with small children.




8. No. For real. Don't ever travel with small children. It may sound fun, but I promise you it's not fun at all. Wait until they are 25 years old.
Seriously.



9. When you decide to potty train your kid, buy only brown or yellow underwear. You know why.




10. Teach your kids the correct anatomical names for all their privates i.e. penis, scrotum, testicles, vas deferens... Then when you take them out in public and your kids will repeat everything and sound very educated.





Here's an extra tip since I like you guys so much and I feel bad about readers who came here for real parental advice:



BTW, I had to re-do the graphic since the original one was ugly.



It's so easy for me to brush my kids off when they need to inform me about dumb stuff.

This quote literally changed my perspective of all the stuff they want to tell me. Now I act super interested when they run in and tell me they picked up a dead squirrel and now it's on the kitchen table so I can see it. 


Monday, July 18, 2016

Boob Milk


We need to talk about breastfeeding.

Why is there so much angst and controversy about breastfeeding?
A lot of people get so worked up about topic and I don't get it. 

I breastfed both my kids in public, but I always used a cover.
I don't want creepers sneaking a peek of my frost detectors.




My sis Megan has no qualms about naked-boob-feeding anywhere. Even in front of our family.
I would feel really weird about my dad and brothers seeing my nips, and the thought makes me squirm a little.

This is not a judgment on Megan, it's just how I personally handle my titties.
She should do whatever she wants. 

While I cover up, I don't understand the problem a lot of people have with exposed-boob public breastfeeding.
It's just boobs, people.

Why are some people so offended when when they see a mom's boobs while she's feeding her baby?

If the mom was like squirting her milk all over everyone, then I could see how that might be offensive. Or if she was breastfeeding everyone else's kids too. Or if she tried to breastfeed your husband.... That could be weird.


But with all the evil things happening in our world you would think it's nice to see a mother caring for and feeding her child.

Source: http://www.running-mom.com/breastfeeding-in-public.html


It's sweet. It's innocent. It's just boobs.

Plus, one time I saw this girls nips and boob-matter while she was breastfeeding in public, and I survived and continued to live my life. 


Also, I don't understand why some moms judge other moms for not breastfeeding.
Who cares? Breastfeeding doesn't work out for everyone. Not every woman loves it.

Breastfeeding Ryan was a pain in the tits.




I only fed him for 6 months and couldn't wait to be done. I breastfed Tyler for 10 months and it was only slightly more enjoyable since it meant I had to sit down and read a book for 30 minutes.

I had some other moms throw judgemental comments my way because I didn't breastfeed "long enough."

I can't imagine the remarks that mothers who don't breastfeed have to put up with.
I've heard people say women who don't breastfeed do not bond with their children, they are selfish,  and that their tits are not flat and flopping as the rest of us.

Non-breastfeeding moms -
If it makes you feel better, know that I support your non-breastfeeding decisions. I am here for you. I will talk with you about your perky boobs as much as you want.





I get that a lot of women LOVE it.
And good for them. If some mothers choose to do extended breastfeeding and feed their kids longer than "normal", who cares?

My friend Christie will probably breastfeed her little boy until he goes to college.
No big deal though. Her kid is nice, chill, and adorable.

I'm sure she gets some sideways glances because she can eat whatever she wants and stays thin while still having big chesticles.





How about all us moms not worry about each others boobs, because it's actually not a big deal.

Let's just all be breast friends.




Tuesday, July 5, 2016

4th of July Penis Show


Mmmmmkay.
You know how a few post ago I talked some mad trash about people who apologize for not blogging regularly?
Well, let's pretend that didn't happen.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for my overgrown ombre highlights.
I'm sorry for my knee-short tan lines.
I'm sorry for laughing when my kids swear and,
I'm sorry for being a non-consistent blogger.



Mostly I haven't blog in a few weeks because lazy.
I'm so lazy I can't even correct the "blog" in my last sentence to "blogged."
But also because so many life-changing things have occurred in my vicinity. All of which I will blog about for my children to re-visit in the future.


Look how patriotic I made my fireplace area:





Unfortunately, That's as fancy as it gets here at the Scott residence.




My absolutely inappropriate bother (typo stays), Matthew, celebrated our nations Independence by showing his dick.

Happy Birthday America.





We had a big family farty (this typo also stays) up at my parents house.
The food was amazing, weather was perfect, and we were all bonding so hard.





My little sis, Fegan, who I will now refer to as Megan since we get along now, just had a baby.
She is an ardent breast-feeding rights activist and so is the new baby.

About 16 adults were there and most of the family were seated in the huge living room.

My dad, brothers, and grandpa were just trying to live their lives.

That's when Megan flopped out her huge boob in front of everyone and fed the baby.




While I don't really have a problem with public breastfeeding, I do find it really awkward and weird to do it around men in the family. Actually men in general.


My brothers felt the same uncomfortable-ness that I would be feeling in their shoes.


Megan has busted her tits out a bunch of times. That's why when I arrived and wanted to see the baby I first yelled into everyone, "I want to see the baby... wait, Megan, are your tits out?.... k, never mind."

My brother Matthew is the type of guy who recently told me he loves having diarrhea and also farted in another man's mouth.





Annoyed by Megan's blatant bare boobs, Matthew whipped his dick out for everyone to see.

I'm gonna go ahead and say that again:

Matthew whipped his dick out for everyone to see.

He thought that if she's showing her private parts to everyone, he might as well too.

I was gratefully not there to witness the x-rated show, but I almost peed my pants laughing when I heard it. 

Later, when I was cleaning up I noticed my mom got some fancy new hand soap and lotion.
The brand was incredibly appropriate for the penis-showing incident:



Pecksniffs?



Then we roasted marshmallows and watched fireworks, so it was a pretty good day.






Sidenote:

I semi-apologize for my offensive use of the word, "dick." But given the gravity of the situation, I felt like "dick" was the only variation of the penis that would suffice.




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