Friday, August 4, 2017
I'm still alive b*tches.
It's been a long time since I've blogged.
I am a different person now.
A person who is less hopeful.
A person who wears pajamas until 1pm.
A person who looks solemnly outside while placing a gentle hand on the window.
A person who wipes butts 50 times a day.
I am a person with 3 kids.
I had baby #3 at the end of April and joined the worst club in the world.
The Mom of 3 Children Club.
And this Club sucks.
Hey moms with 3 or more kids!!!:
How are you still sane???
Or, more importantly, how do you fake being sane???
Having 3 kids is kind of making me crazy.
I thought 3 kids wouldn't be that big of a deal for me.
I've worked with kids my whole life. I used to BE a kid!
And child #2 was a breeze, so I figured #3 would be similar.
People were not kidding when they said that 3 kids sucks because you only have two hands. It's incredible how often ALL THREE of my kids need something at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME.
Taking them out in public is akin to getting sucker-punched in the crotch.
It's unbelievably painful and can leave you in tears.
I was at the grocery store yesterday. I was carrying baby #3 in a Baby wrap on my chest, Cryin' Ryan, and T-bag were running around me and the shopping cart. It was a circus.
Then baby #3 started scream-crying. I forgot the pacifier.
She screamed the entire 20 minutes we were there.
I was pissed off but determined to finish shopping. There was no way I was leaving and coming back later.
Have you ever loaded 3 small children into a car?!?!?! It's not fun.
People were staring at us while shaking their heads with a small smile - like they were sending me the message, "Good for you, taking your feral children to the store.... your doing the best you can <3."
Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you the good news!
Just kidding, I'm not pregnant. It's just Taco Bell and residual baby weight.
My kids are lucky I adore them because they really suck my will. And ultimately, who else can I talk to at 6am about how many bullets I think it would take to kill a dinosaur?
And you know what? Even though having 3 kids is kicking my butt, I'm going to stay positive.
I'm going to mom my butt off - and I will be the mommiest mom ever.
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
I've already come to terms with the fact that a part of me will forever be an idiot.
What I can't come to terms with is the fact that my 3 year old is now part of that club.
You're probably thinking, but emily! How can a 3 year old be idiot?!
I think all of us mothers can agree that pretty much all 3 year olds are not that smart.
Sometimes I think Tyler may be slightly dumber than his peers.
I present the following arguments:
- T-Bag was playing with a toy gun at Cabela's and hit himself in the face resulting in a dent in his forehead.
- He stupidly picked up this dead bird with his bare hands, then picked his nose and ate his booger. That idiot probably caught some bird disease. I had to teach him how to play with dead things with a stick.
- I brought cupcakes to my brother Jake's house for the kids to decorate. We gave everyone candles and sang them all happy birthday, because that's how bored I was. Tyler tried to blow out his candle, got too close, and singed all his eyelashes off like a complete fool.
- He was walking on the sidewalk, fell down, and landed on his face. Now his front tooth is all jacked up and dead.... from walking.
He is so lucky I think he's cute and funny, otherwise I would disown him fo' sure.
Sunday, April 9, 2017
This is actually hard for me to admit, but being pregnant with baby #3 has left me a sobbing mess.
I'm not a cryer.
I hate crying.
I have a sick sense of pride that tears rarely leave my body.
My first two pregnancy's had no effect on my emotions. I felt normal as far as emotions went.
A lot of people say that being pregs with girls is different than being pregs with boys.
As I looked back over the last 37 weeks, I realized what a crying little wuss I've been.
I don't know if it's because my baby has a vagina or if I'm turning into one.
The extra embarrassing part is what I cry about. It's the stupidest stuff ever. I would never shed tears over this stuff in real life.
Here is some of the stupid stuff I've been blubbering about:
- My hair.
Look how yellow/orange it was.
I sobbed about this on the phone to my mom. I know it's just hair. Embarrassing.
- Jared and I didn't have sex before he went out of town.
Don't worry though. I called him, he turned his car around, and came home for a quickie.
- A video of a precious moment between a mom and baby.
It made me cry but that didn't stop me from watching it 20 times.
- The baby's room was a mess.
- I threw up in public.
But now that I'm in the 3rd trimester it suddenly makes me cry.
I don't cry until I get home, but still.
- I scratched my car.
There is a reason I drive an older inexpensive car, and that reason is because I like not stressing out about it. But you better believe I cried about scratching the car I don't care about. Why? Cause I'm pregnant.
- I peed my pants for the 8937089286th time.
- A guy hit on me at the grocery store.
- My brother, Jake, and his girlfriend, Jenny, threw me a little birthday party.
They bought me flowers and a meat stick.
AND a freaking Raptor skull because skulls make me happy.
It was so nice. Of course I cried.
- I can't see my pubes good enough to trim them.
This is just a small sampling of all the stupid stuff I've cried about. Hopefully I'm not the only pregnant girl that does this.
Tuesday, April 4, 2017
I want to do the same for my little crotch muffins.
One of my New Year's Resolutions was to put more of an effort in making special days awesome for them. Especially since I forgot T-Bag's birthday last year.
I stayed up a solid 25 minutes after my bedtime decorating my house with stupid Valentine's day stuff. I only did it because kids love decorations.
I hate clutter so the fact that I put up decorations is a testament to how much I'm willing to sacrifice for my kid's happiness.
By the way, why do kids like decorations so much? It's freaking weird.
In my pregnancy induced stupidity, I thought it would be a good idea to leave a confetti trail on the carpet.
I am an idiot.
I sprinkled hundreds of tiny red glittery hearts down our entire hallway.
Don't ever do this.
That picture does not illustrate the magnitude of glitter hearts that littered the hallway.
I realized what a bad decision this was immediately after the boys woke up, ran through them 50 times, and scattered them throughout the entire freaking house.
At least I tried.
After my late night decorating binge I started Valentines Day off right by making beautiful red pancakes for the boys.
The pancakes ended up looking more like raw hamburger patties, but my boys are used to my culinary failures.
At least I tried.
What I didn't fail at was the incredible heart-shaped peanut butter cookies I made later that night. That's the only thing I can make food-wise. cookies.
We had to go to Costco and because it was a day of dedicated to love, I let them do the thing they love most there. Jump in the pillow displays.
I'm sure the employees love it too.
I even made a bunch of paper hearts and hid them around the house for the kids to find.
I should of thought of this activity sooner. The kids loved it, and it kept them busy for 30 minutes which is a huge win in the parenting world.
I don't know if I can ever redeem myself for forgetting T-Bag's 2nd birthday, but at least I tried :)
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
I'm knocked up with my 3rd child. I hate being pregnant and am sick the entire 9/10 months.
Because of this, I am apathetic about my kids TV consumption.
They have been watching SOOOOOO much TV these past
I still feel like I am an awesome mom because every once and a while I make them watch shows about smart people stuff, like Bill Nye the Science Guy and Ultimate Animal Fights. I also let them out of their kennels once a week.
But.... we need to talk about Netflix.
I love Netflix. I love how cheap it is.
We don't have cable or normal TV, so Netflix is all we use.
I love that there a a ton of wholesome kids shows.
I love that I can sit my kids in front of the TV for hours at a time without annoying commercial breaks.
I don't need my kids to be bugging me to buy the latest sugar cereal and Nerf guns.
However, there are a few shows that I'm a little concerned about.
Which is unfortunate since I am already concerned about my children in general.
Ryan knows how to turn on any show he wants by himself.
That explains why I walked out and saw a talking cartoon butt on the TV screen one day.
Now, I am a person that can appreciate a well illustrated butt.
However, what I cannot appreciate, is my 5 year old appreciating cartoon butts.
The is a show actually called, The Day My Butt Went Psycho.
It's about a dude who is a junior butt fighter and his butt.... that went psycho.
The butt even has a name, and that name is Deuce.
For those of you that are as well-versed in all things poop, Deuce is another name for the number 2.
The number 2 is also a common nickname for poo. As in #1 is pee and #2 is poo.
So the butt's name, Deuce, means poop.
It's actually pretty clever.
But ultimately, I have way too much poop and butts in my life right now.
Then there is a little animated show called StoryBots.
It's a cute show that is educational and fun.
What concerns me is the freaking weird stuff that randomly pops up while you're watching it.
My kids were just hanging out, tryna learn about animals when this freaky camel song came on and creeped them out.
Were you aware that camels made that sound?
You can see it for yourself in Season 1 Episode 4: Animals and Emotions
I don't need extra creepy things keeping my kids up at night. They already have to deal with images of me throwing up and peeing my pants every day.
You may be surprised to find out that Little Einsteins is another show I have problems with.
First of all, whoever thought of calling a kid show something with Einstein in it is brilliant.
Who doesn't want their kid to be an Einstein?
One day I would like my kids to understand physics and do their hair super sexy.
I was a fan of Little Einsteins until I saw how the red spaceship thing bounces around.
A boner shaped spring. That's how it bounces around. A boner spring.
You can watch this pseudo-porn in Season 1, Episode 5: Pirate's Treasure.
Oh, and there is a coloring page online if you want to cement that reality in your kid's head:
Print it at: coloringsky.com
Or you could buy them this suggestive toy spaceship.
I'm not here to judge you're parenting decisions.
Anyway, I just want all you other negligent moms - who let their kids watch too much TV - to be warned about the potential dangers of Netflix.
Let's just focus on protecting the children.
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
My 2 year old, T-Bag Tyler, is not a friend to all animals.
He loves dogs and cats more than anything, but cannot express his love through conventional ways.
(I never claimed to be a good parent.)
One of his favorite hobbies is harassing our little cat, Chucky.
Tail-pulling, picking up by the neck, and laying on top of the cat are among T-Bags favorite moves.
One time, he put the cat in the garbage can.
There is a high correlation between treating animals badly during childhood and becoming a serial killer as an adult.
I don't want to think about that though.
Tyler is my son and I love him.
Our cat is so nice, patient, and docile.
He has never retaliated no matter the amount of abuse he receives. It's very weird.
I sometimes wish Chucky would hurt Tyler back so Tyler would learn his lesson.
In early December, Tyler learned a lesson.
Chucky likes to sit on the edge of the bathtub while the boys take a bath.
By the way, the green bathwater is from a bath bomb and not because my kids are that dirty.... even though they are that dirty.
T-bag decided to pull the cat into the water.
The cat freaked out and clawed his way out of the tub, unintentionally scratching Tyler on the way.
Tyler screamed. His legs were bleeding.
I was like, WTF is happening in my life.
Tyler kept crying about his balls, so after I calmed him down I checked out his wounds and HOLY FREAKING CRAP.
There was a slice in the middle of his bean bag.
I must have stared at it, horrified, for a solid 5 minutes.
No parenting classes or books ever prepped me for when my kids nuts get mangled.
A piece of ball-sack skin was dangling off him like tissue paper in the wind.
Seriously. What do you do?
Stiches? Double no.
Super Glue? Possibly.
I ended up putting a ton of antibiotic ointment on it and slapped on his diaper.
He walked like a cowboy the rest of the night.
His ball sack turned purple with bruising the next day and stayed like that for over a week.
Tyler insisted on wearing an ace bandage over his diaper for a few days.
I didn't blame him.
I would want some extra protection around my sliced balls too.
T-bag wouldn't let me take a picture of him in his ace bandage diaper so I had to lie and say I needed a picture of the nutcracker and snowflakes for Christmas.
I didn't realize, until just now, how mean it was to make him pose with a nutcracker while his own nuts were on the mend.
Oh yeah, If you are reading this just to find out how to make huge snowflakes, I apologize if you had to read about my kid's testicles.
It's super easy and the kids loved helping me make them.
All you do is use huge pieces of butcher paper and cut out a snowflake like you normally would. Duh.
Easy and the results are pretty fancy.
I love newborns but I really love not being pregnant.
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
March seems like a great month to start blogging again. I'm 8 months pregnant with kid #3 and I only puke 2-3 times a day, so things are really coming together for me.
Please excuse my out-of-order and extremely late blog topics for the next little while.
We had plans to spend Thanksgiving dinner at my parents house with a few of my siblings and their families.
After living out of Utah for 10 years, having family around for the holidays is great. Mostly because they make me food.
Then I found out my morally questionable sister Rachel was bringing a few of her "friends".
Though I adore Rachel, she does not have the best taste in friends as they are always trashy and ethically challenged.
One of her last friends stole my Microsoft Surface Tablet from my house and tried to pawn it. It was awesome. I never got it back. I really need to take the time to write an entire post dedicated to that douche bag because the whole story is unbelievable (if you are a normal law-abiding citizen).
Either way, Rachel picks bad people to befriend and then brings them around our family. I really don't need myself, my kids, or my wallet anywhere near people like that.
I decided to kindly ditch out of my parents dinner invite. So did 2 of my brothers for the same reason.
It wasn't that big of a deal though. My parents understand, they locked up their wallets too.
I knew that with my natural class and hostessing skills I could have my own Thanksgiving dinner and it would be enchanting.
Ryan was really excited about the idea of cooking an entire turkey carcass, so I was basically obligated to buy an entire turkey for 2 adults and 2 small children.
Ryan was in heaven. He insisted on sitting by it in the cart.
And look what my little angel made at school:
Ryan also made a culturally appropriated headband and dubbed himself Chief Turkey Pants:
I'm glad he has a teacher who allows him to express himself.
On Thanksgiving day we went and saw a movie with my side of the family. I thought I would be all motherly and make the devil children and their cousins a pinterest-y treat.
Popcorn in a paper bag made to look like a turkey leg. Precious.
And it was especially precious since the butter leaked through and made it look authentically greasy.
The kids loved it.
We got home and started cooking.
Ryan and I made rolls.
Tyler dressed up like a rapist.
Husband cooked everything else. Don't be jealous my husband cooks :)
Ryan set the table super fancy:
He used our fancy black paper plates and was really proud of himself for it.
He only set 3 place settings, because he said I don't need to eat since I throw up everything anyway and that we shouldn't waste good food like that.
Despite the white trashiness of our celebration the boys were happy and that's all I care about anyway.
A few days later when the kids broke the wishbone, Ryan won and wished all the adults in the world had to wear diapers and poop and pee themselves every day. cute.
By the way, have you ever seen a turkey neck? Because I never have, and when Jared pulled it out of the body I thought our turkey had come with a free sex toy... which I wasn't mad about.
I hope you all had a Thanksgiving as magical as mine was.