dear person reading this,

Valentine's Card

2012-02-08T09:58:00.000-08:00

Last time I read the scriptures, I think I remember that there was this one part that said:

Once you are a mom, thou shalt make stupid homemade crafts.

I think I read it in either Genesis or Isaiah.

As a practicing Mormon Mom, I am required to make useless crap that looks cuter than a kitten in a boot.

One time, I didn't make crafts for, like, a month.... and I didn't take Sacrament the whole time.

I dug into my copious craft supplies and pulled out what I would need. BTW, If a Mormon girl doesn't have at least $1000 worth of craft supplies, she isn't really Mormon.

I have a proven track record in card-making, so I busted this out for Jared:

Definitely cuter than a kitten in a boot. amen.

Pee-Baby = Dinosaur

2012-02-01T10:14:00.000-08:00

Great. I was playing with Ryan yesterday when I had a realization.

My baby looks like the baby from the Dinosaurs sitcom. Awesome.

First he looks like a elf and now he looks like a pink reptile.

Sometimes Ryan gets eczema and his skin gets scaly.... just like baby Sinclair. Ugh.

At least Pee-baby has awesome hair and is better to cuddle with:

Meet Melanie

2012-01-31T00:11:00.000-08:00

She goes to my church and is in the Youth Group I pretend to be a leader in.

She is Cryin Ryan's surrogate Aunt since none of his other aunts love him enough to move to California.

She takes better care of Ryan than I do.

Jared has trusted only two people to babysit Ryan, she is one of them.

She comes over to help me pack, work and organize.

Lucky for her, she fits in my pre-baby weight clothing.

Ryan adores her.

She is cute, smiley and awesome.

She reads my blog and doesn't tattletale on me when I'm bad/nasty.

She gave me this for Christmas:

That's right suckers. That's what happens when you look so desperate that cute girls from your church pity you.

Free babysitting for 2012.

To garner other's sympathy and pity, all you mom's should try looking like a scared lost puppy when you hold your child. When your baby cries... cry harder. When the baby pees his pants... pee harder. And remember,

Pity = Free stuff

AND on top of the free childcare, she gave me cookies.

Bits of Love from my Sisters

2012-01-27T10:11:00.000-08:00

I dug into my old box again and found the following:

Emily, When she wakes up

(yes, that is a swastika on my shirt)
By Sara

Emily, the evil fat elf

J.L. = Jiffy Lube
By Rachel

By Megan

Emily-

I missed you so bad don't ever go away again. O.k. O.k. Oh and where did you go? And I cried when you left so that would be 1 reason for you not to leave again. Then I was in the shower and I was crying in the shower, well see you later

Love/ 1 of your sisters

P.S. try to find out who I am (smiley face)
By Sara

This little gem is also from Megan:

But upon closer inspection:

What What WHAT?!

My Old Box

2012-01-24T08:45:00.000-08:00

I have this whole box of old stuff.

It is filled wonderful treasures from my life.

When I am feeling extra douchey, I look through it to remind myself what a bad-a** I am.

Maybe it's the old pair of brass knuckles that really gets me pumped:

Or maybe all the love notes from Jared:

Everyday we spend together I love you more and more (even days when you are on your period) Thank you for marrying me, you make me the happiest. Love, Jared

Or it could be the inappropriate letters/pictures from my good friends and family.

Either way I feel awesomeness pulsing through my veins after I'm done going through it.

Everyone should cultivate an old box.

F is for Fart

2012-01-22T17:46:00.000-08:00

I'm disgusting.
This is what happened when Jared and his grandma were driving home with me:

Meet Megan

2012-01-20T07:49:00.000-08:00

I like to call her: Fegan, Feg-Feg, Fegalicious, Sir Feg-a-lot, Feg-zilla and so on.

She has amazing hair that I've secretly been jealous of our whole lives

She used to pick up kittens with her mouth like a mom cat does (our cats were total sluts so we ALWAYS had kittens at our house)

She has an interesting little blog

When I would bring dates over to our house she would fart on them unabashedly

She is an unbelievably talented photographer

She was a drummer in a teenage band

She is a good artist, but doesn't draw nearly enough

Her husband is a nice young fellow

We like to fight every so often, I suck at being an older sister... I know it's hard to believe since I am so amazing at everything else.

I used to give her all my old clothes for cleaning my room..... until I ran out of clothes

She will kick you square in the nuts

Do the Roar, I love you Daddy

2012-01-17T09:04:00.000-08:00

What is creepier?

That Pee-Baby giggles like a schoolgirl when he hears this:

Or that I say it to him 100+ times a day?

.....Yeah, I can't decide either.

Poo-on-the-Go

2012-01-15T09:41:00.000-08:00

Pee baby normally has pretty good control over his butthole.

I can count on two hands the times he's had explosive poo and crapped out of his diaper.

This leads me to believe he plans it out.

In his quest to make my life more difficult he has had angry/vengeful poops in the following places:

At the airport
At San Diego's Wild Animal Park
At a church activity
At my Grandpa's funeral
At the Boys and Girls Club
At the airport again

He has only exploded out of his diaper once while at home.

His tendency to sputter feces in public is a little suspicious. This pattern is too coincidental to be just a random accident. He does it on purpose.

I bet he likes it. Look at his devious grin.

Nasty little punk

He likes to make my life harder

Since I am not a fan of turd parades, I propose that Huggies make an explosion-proof diaper:

Bam. Problem solved.
amen.

Jared Turns 33

2012-01-10T10:46:00.000-08:00

Dang I am an awesome wife.

Yesterday was Jared's birthday. We both had the day off so I planned an extravaganza for him.

He woke up to this poster:

I got him this sweet NorthFace Fleece he's been wanting and some gummy orange slices. I'm thoughtful like that.

We got to Santa Barbara, strapped on pee-baby and wasted time skipping down main street.

The amount of homeless people has at least doubled since I was there a few months ago.

Ryan got his first high off all the marijuana smoke in the air. I think he liked it. Check out his red eyes and stoned smile:

I cant wait to write this milestone down in his baby book!!!

We went to this store that had 90% off all Christmas Junk Food. You read that right... 90% off.

We got way too much stuff. Jared was embarrassed at the cashier so we played it off like we were buying it for the Boys and Girls club.

I let Jared pick out the restaurant. We've been wanting to try this awesome Cajun place but Jared had another idea.

I guess the dirty sex we had wasn't enough. He wanted to get even dirtier and eat at this super-nasty hole-in-the-wall taco dump.

Authentic Mexican Tacos.

Their menu includes beef, pork, steamed beef, head, cheek, lip, tongue, and eye. Yep... you choose the body part and they'll put it in a corn tortilla for you.

Jared got a ton of stuff. I could barely get down 2 pork tacos. I didn't trust any place that cooked head, eyes and lips in the same vicinity as my meat. It looked suspicious.

I'll try almost anything... but not when my feet are sticking to the restaurant floors and it smells like roasted eyeballs.

We came home and watched a movie, Horrible Bosses, which was one of the dumbest movies ever.

amen.

Meet Gramps

2012-01-07T14:20:00.000-08:00

My Grandpa Earl died last week. He was in a car accident. Bleh.

People dying sucks.

I was glad that I got to see him on Thanksgiving.

I had to fly to Utah immediately for the funeral. The circumstance was heartbreaking but it was good to see family I haven't seen for years. My Grandma held it together like a champ. She is definitely my favorite Grandma.

Some things you should know about Earl Groneman:

He smelt like Old Spice and Listerine
He grew apples that would make the serpent in the Garden of Eden jealous
He was a dirty, dirty Democrat but loved Mitt Romney
He only wore skinny ties
He called every girl "Myrtle" (I suspect it was because he couldn't remember their names)
He turned his hearing aids down when he was sick of you
He liked to go fishing. I know this because he made me watch hours and hours of his fishing videos from Alaska.... HOURS.
He once set off a bomb in Liberty park
He forwarded so many emails I had to put him on my spam list. He called them "Daily Gems" but I think a better name would have been "Hourly Annoyances", now I miss them
His middle name is Rose, like me
He died in the car accident while on his way to volunteer at an LDS temple which he had done for 30 years
He thought he was younger than he actually was, evidenced by him climbing on his roof, jumping into the backs of large pick-up trucks and helping neighbors build fences
He came to all of his grand-kids soccer games, dance recitals and court dates
He could make killer bread and pancakes
He gave me a jar of rhubarb jam the last time I saw him... I think I'm going to save it as a memento, preserved jam stays good for years right?
He was a really nice and good guy
He was down for almost everything... even dressing up like a pirate for one of Jared's birthdays

Love you and see you soon Gramps. amen.

The Tattletale Book

2011-12-27T11:05:00.000-08:00

One of the staff at the Boys and Girls Club has an interesting way to pacify tattletales.

Behold the Tattletale Book:

The first graders are notorious tattletales. So instead of fielding whiners all day, she has them write their complaints in the book. It is one of the best things ever.

Here we see the inner stuggles of the first graders.

He was winee becus i seb thet i am not his frenb

Anthony is said somethig bad to jaime bye have a good da

Fabion kicked me in the face u laitlle

Anthony pook me on the eye

Gabrooll sed that Jamy was a cri baby

We can't forget the problem child, Nia.

Nia push Anthonys

Nia was fitien with me

Nia is being minn

Nia boses us arond

And my personal favorite includes an emotional piece of art.

Sedistn M. Sedistn is eat my (chip)

Sedistn is min

The end.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T13:18:00.000-08:00

A gift for you:

The Mom Curse

2011-12-21T17:04:00.000-08:00

I know I talk a lot of trash about Pee-Baby, but the truth is: I am in sweet sweet love with him.

I wake up excited every morning and skip into his room. His toothless grin is better than warm early morning sunshine. His chubby leg stumps make me giddy. And his baby bald spot feeds my soul.

I always believed that once I had kids my fun would be over. Life would be torturous and filled with regret.

Wrong.

Having a kid is awesome.

I love everything he does. I sigh when he grabs my face. I melt when he cuddles with me. I even think it's cute when he takes a dump on me.

There are a couple of negatives though. That's right, I'm talkin about the mom curse.

Once you have a kid your entire image molts and what you are left with is not pretty. Everything as you know it is swept aside and replaced with sweatpants.

Before Kids:

After Kids:

I smell like spit-up all the time. I don't shower everyday. My bum is flabby like my boobs.

Every once in a while I get a good nights sleep and pull myself together.

But being Cryin Ryan's mom is my favorite thing ever and worth the crusty spit up and dried pee that splatters my clothes.

Christmas Present

2011-12-17T11:43:00.000-08:00

I think we can all agree parents suck to shop for.

For this Christmas I had a great idea:

Draw mean pictures of everyone in my family and frame it.

I gave it to my parents in Utah at Thanksgiving.

(Dan, Matt, Aiden, Steph, Zac, Meg-zilla, Sara, PaPa, Mom, Angie, Brook, Shakey Jake, Rachel, Me holding Ryan, and a rather jolly Jared)

A few people did not appreciate my artistic interpretation.

Notice, if you will, that the "good"/butt-kisser kids are to the left of my mom and dad, while the awesome/trouble maker kids are to the right.

When we opened it up, both Dan and my Dad were wearing the exact same outfits that I drew them in.

Yes, that is a Quilt Cape my mom is wearing.
And yes, that is an AK-47 Shakey Jake is holding.
Also yes, Shakey Jake is wearing a Rambo headband.

I am pretty confident this will be hanging in the Getty Museum at some point.

Your welcome mom and dad!

How Pee Baby Spends His Day

2011-12-10T09:31:00.000-08:00

Nothing is more interesting than other people's kids. I know you all were desperately wondering what Ryan does throughout the day, here you go.

Being Disgusting

Sleeping with pants in mouth

Looking at Chucky's privates

Being Really White

And Ruining Folded Laundry

Nut Card

2011-12-08T09:51:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling really bad for my brother, Daniel, and his nuts.
After he was clocked in the peeps by Meg-zilla on Thanksgiving he had to go to the hospital for some swollen appendage issues. :(

I felt like a warm bowl of chicken noodle soup was inappropriate to send through the mail.

I went to Hallmark to find an appropriate card, but my search turned up fruitless.
I immediately dug out my Mormon Girl emergency supplies (i.e. scrap-booking crap).
I knew I would be able to make perfect craft for this occasion.

Ta-daaaaa!

Sorry about your nuts Dan.

Autie Pee Pee and Uncle Poo Poo

2011-12-03T10:38:00.000-08:00

My favorite Brother Jake has a cute little girl.

Since she was a baby, Jake taught her to call me Auntie Pee Pee and referred to Jared as Uncle Poo Poo.

As Auntie Pee Pee, I have taken my responsibilities very seriously.

I taught her what a cow says - mooooooo
What a frog says - ribbit ribbit
What a kitty says - meow
And what a wiener says - psssssssss

She's a smart little gremlin.

She doesn't like to say Ryan so she calls my baby a variety of inappropriate names.

Most often she calls him "Rhiney"
And when she feels like spicing things up a bit, she busts out "Rhiner", a magnificent mixture of Ryan and wiener.

That's all, amen.

Sausages with Muffin top on the Side

2011-11-30T09:21:00.000-08:00

I went to Utah for a few days to spend Thanksgiving with my family.
My family is not shy when it come to eating really good food.... lots of it.

Every time I visit Utah I gain weight. I have no self control when we go out to eat all the time, have delicious snacks at the house and have homemade caramel popcorn available at any time. Plus, Salt Lake City has abundant Taco Times and their burritos are better than ~~sex~~ a lot of things.

This time I had an amazing idea.
I recently lost enough baby weight to fit back into my pre-pregnancy "skinny jeans". It was a tight fit but with a little prayer and a lot of sucking in I stuffed my sausage thighs into the leg holes.

Here's the plan:

1. Only bring jeans to Utah that fit perfectly.
2. Have no other clothing options available.
3. I would be forced to eat healthy and maintain my weight or I would have to go naked from the waist down.

Turns out, this is the worst idea ever.

After a few hours with my family at the an amazing Thai restaurant, the jeans no longer fit perfectly. Actually, I now looked like those skanky teenage girls you see in the mall. You know exactly what I'm talking about. The ones who wear jeans WAY too tight because they think they look hot. Yeah, that was me. (except that I'm 27 and have a child)

Great.

Thanksgiving was still in the plans so I knew I wouldn't be dropping the lbs. anytime soon.

So for the rest of the trip I waddled around in my sausage casing. One pair of jeans were literally coming apart at the seams.... on the inner thigh. sexy.

Mission Failed.

Dirty Language @ the Boys and Girls Club

2011-11-28T01:42:00.000-08:00

This is probably one of the most poignant moments during my tenure at the Boys and Girls Club.

I had a 6 foot long piece of bright yellow butcher paper, stolen from the teachers supply room. I was running the Peace Builders program and the manual had suggested this activity to reduce bad words and put-downs.

I put the paper on the floor and had the first graders gather around it.

We discussed why we shouldn't say bad words or mean things to other people.

Then I asked the kids to name some things we shouldn't say. I was going to write them all on the huge paper and then the kids could all help rip it up, symbolizing their resolve to not say mean things.

Miss Emily: What are some things we shouldn't say to each other?

Kid 1: You are not good at soccer.

Kid 2: You look gross.

Kid 3: You suck.

Kid 4: I'm not going to be your friend.

Kid 5: You can't play with us.

Miss Emily: Good job! What else should we write down?

Honest Kid: You shouldn't say, "Mother Fu*ker"

I put my head down to hide my delighted laughter.

I took a few minutes to compose myself.

Miss Emily: Um, yeah.... we shouldn't say that..... let's not write that one down though...

Kid 3: What's a "Mother Fu*cker"?

(Silence)

Miss Emily: ..........Who wants recess!?!

Thanksgiving Dinner Conversation Starters

2011-11-23T20:30:00.000-08:00

You know how people who have fancy dinner parties sometimes pass out conversation starters? Well I decided to make my family dinner more interesting with some homemade convo starters of my own. Take that Martha Stewart.

I pulled out some of my mom's fanciest paper and most expensive pen and got to work. Feel free to use my ideas to spice up your own Thanksgiving.

Here are a few of my most brilliant:

How many run-ins with the law will my brother Jake have in 2012? (You can substitute Jake for a member of your family who is frequently arrested.)

Which person in the room would you most like to fight and why?

Would you rather pee your pants at church once a month or be called "Splatter Pants" for the rest of your life?

What are your 10 most favorite things about Emily?

If you had to change someones pants in the room, who would it be? (This question is especially relevant considering there is more than one person with incontinence problems who will be attending tomorrow.)

What was your favorite part about puberty?

Why are you better than everyone else in the room?

I have a feeling Thanksgiving will be an eventful holiday.

Ryan the Gnome

2011-11-12T10:43:00.000-08:00

No less than 10 people have told me that my baby looks like an elf or a gnome.

When I was pregnant I remember wishing that my baby would resemble a fairy tale creature.

Thanks a lot Jerkoffs.

LDS Halloween Rave

2011-11-08T11:09:00.000-08:00

We are really hard partiers, so for Halloween we hit up our LDS Ward Halloween party! It was insane!!! I myself have never been to a rave, but I'm sure they are similar to what I experienced last Saturday.

Local parishioners were almost in a coma from the chili cook-off. I'm sure some of them overdosed.
Little children were foaming at the mouth from the amount of candy they had inhaled.
We had to cut a few people off after they had too many waters.
And, there was an older lady waving glow sticks.

Honestly, I was surprised the cops didn't show up.

Our little ward is full of new people so we had a "youtube" video screening. Every family made a youtube-esque video, and we all watched them while we ate.

I hate being on video so I made this slideshow masterpiece....

Here is some stuff you probably would be better off not seeing:

Don't forget our consignment store costumes:

The answer is yes, that is a mustache Jared is sporting.... and no, I did not make love to him for the 3 weeks he was growing it.

Clearly, Ryan was not as amused by his costume as I was.
amen.

Chucky's Hack Job

2011-11-02T08:23:00.000-07:00

Chucky has long hair. I hate hair.

So every couple of weeks we do this to him:

He feels so insecure after we do it.

Poor Chucky.

Pube-saline

2011-10-31T13:51:00.000-07:00

Jake's wedding dinner in 2003 doubled as a brainstorming session. My siblings, Jared and I all convened to form a master plan of how to decorate our Jerk-off brother's car after his wedding reception.
I immediately thought of pubes. Anytime you want to make something memorable.... use pubes.

But pubes alone would blow off the car and leave the parking lot a black wiry mess.

Enter VASELINE.

An inspired stroke of genius by yours truly.

A healthy mixture of equal parts pubes and vaseline would adhere beautifully to the car.

My two younger brothers executed my genius idea. They had a mutual photography session while harvesting said pubes.

During Jake's wedding reception they snuck out and smeared the concoction all over the windows and underneath the door handles. It was a masterpiece.

Jake and his new Bride skipped out to their car. Chivalry prevailed as Jake grabbed hold of his infected door handle for his wife.

I stood in the crowd laughing harder than I ever have in my life.

Jake eyed the goop suspiciously.
"It's PUBES!!!" my brothers yelled, clearly pleased with themselves.

Jake chased them down and cleaned his hand on their faces. amen.

72 hours

2011-10-28T09:27:00.000-07:00

As a Mormon I am genetically wired to to do specific things. The very DNA that runs through my veins compels me to act a certain way.

Lately I have this innate need to gather material goods and put them in a backpack.

Behold the 72 hour kit:

These bad boys are supposed to save people in the event of an emergency. The idea is jam as much crap as can possible fit into a portable bag. Then when a tsunami or earthquake strikes, you can calmly put on your 72-hour backpack and strut into the community meeting place with all your emergency essentials.

I can already imagine it.

Everyone will give me the evil eye as I smugly change into clean underwear and munch on my 2000-calorie granola and freeze-dried berries. Envious onlookers will cringe as I drop water-purifying tablets into my stainless steel bottles.

I will blow my emergency whistle with pride before I fire up my hand-crank radio. I will stand as a beacon providing everyone within a 100 foot radius with light from my lantern that lasts continuously for 144 hours.

Then I will apply lipgloss so I'm ready for the rescue parties to arrive.

It will be awesome.

Moral of the story:

In the event of an emergency - find some Mormons.

The Evils of Baby Formula

2011-10-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

So a few weeks ago Breastfeeding took an unexpected turn. My boobs started running out of milk.

To be honest, I wasn't that stoked about breastfeeding to begin with. I don't like sitting still for more than 10 minutes at a time, and breastfeeding requires you do this for around 6-8 hours each day. Bleh.

I ended up having to supplement with formula. Then I realized that I actually kind of like breastfeeding. My little baby depends on me. I'm giving him the healthiest option available to him right now and I get to cuddle with Pee-baby 6-8 hours a day. Plus he plays with my hair the whole time........ (sigh.........).

Jared was frieking out when he found out I had given Ryan a bottle of formula. He thought Ryan was going to start having convulsions and grow up harboring severe neglect issues.

Jared's jaw dropped and his eyes grew wide when I told him this was not the first bottle I had to supplement with.

"You just need to make more milk..... just concentrate."

So I closed my eyes.

I concentrated really hard.

I sqeezed.

But no milk came out.

I went to the store and bought some Brewer's yeast and Fenugreek. Both of these supplements are known to increase milk supply and both are nastier than Ryan's peanut butter poop.

Do you people have any other tips to increase Breastmilk? And by "you people", I mean Heather Johnson.... because I know you've been breastfeeding for years.

I really hope this had nothing to do with the Pumice Stone.

T is for Treasure

2011-10-14T11:47:00.000-07:00

Idle hands are the devil's playground and this applies especially to me.

It is not good for me to be bored. I always get into trouble when I am board. Always.

So lately I've been reorganizing my house.

It amazing what you find while going through your stuff.

Here are a few examples:

1 Old embarrassing trophy from when I lost Miss Riverton.

1 velcro wallet

2 Awkward animals given to me as gifts.

Red and White dog given to me randomly by my dad as when I was an angst ridden teen.

Manatee given to me by Jared who often says that poo looks like a dead manatee.

4 Creepy Saw movies. I have no idea where I got these or why they are in my house.

1 huge box of Condoms from Costco..... actually now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure my friend Adrienne gave these to us after we had Cryin Ryan.

"The church book"

used for drawing dirty pictures during church when I was younger.

4 Enemas I was too scared to use while I was pregnant and grossly constipated

1 Bottle of Centrum Silver. Old people vitamins. I dont know where these came from either.

Who knew such treasures existed in my own house! I can't wait to reorganize the pantry!

Meet The Minions

2011-10-11T08:13:00.000-07:00

Minion 1: Miss Emily!!!! Did you watch the Kim Kardashian wedding? OMG! Her first dress was my favorite.

Minion 2: I don't know why she married Kris though..... He's not even that fancy.

Minion 3: Did You know Lamar really wanted Kim and not Khloe?

M2: Oh my gosh! Does Khloe know?

M1: I think Kim is soooooo pretty. My mom said I can be her for Halloween!

M3: I'm going to be Snookie! My skin is already tan like hers!

M1: Miss Emily!!!! You could dress Baby Ryan like The Situation!

This is what I walked into yesterday at work. I had barely laid Ryan down in the office before I was ambushed by this nonsense.

Unfortunately, I knew exactly what they were talking about.

These 2nd graders followed me around all last year.

I put them to good use. I taught them how to make copies, snatch Gatorade from the teachers lounge and now they know how to feed and burp Cryin Ryan.
They also clean the staff bathroom for me since I cannot concentrate enough to pee when other people's pubes are littering the floor around me.

Hence the name, The Minions.

And I adore them.

But they have inspired me to not let Ryan watch cable t.v..........

Frank 2.0

2011-10-07T11:04:00.000-07:00

After 5 months of being a stay at home mom, I decided I can't hack it. People weren't messing around when they said it was the hardest job ever.

So I got my old job at the Boys and Girls Club back.

I'm only working around 10 hours a week and can come in whenever I want. With Jared's new work schedule, he is home a few weekdays so he can watch Cryin Ryan for the few hours I'm gone.

I can also bring Baby with me if I feel like it. I actually brought him with me the past two days and Cryin Ryan was a little angel. I wish I knew that all Pee-baby needed was constant attention from a swarm of 2nd grade girls and a 19 year-old staff member named LaShawn.

On my first day back I walk into the cafeteria and was mobbed by all the germy little gremlins.

My favorite little boy, Frank poked his over-sized head up out of the masses.

Frankie Poo: Did you have your baby?

Miss Emily: Yes.

FP: Did the doctor cut it out of your stomach?

ME: No.

FP: AAAWWWWW! It came out the nasty way?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

ME: Yes Frank, I had my baby the nasty way.

Frank scraped his tongue with his fingernails to get the bad taste out of his mouth.
I smiled.

amen.

Plog

2011-09-28T15:21:00.000-07:00

I dont know if you've heard about this new phenomenon or not. Probably not, because I am clearly on the cutting edge of all things poop.
One of my fellow "in-the-know" friends, Kelly, introduced me to it. If It came from her it is definitely going to be all the rage..... I think she is even cool enough to wear Toms shoes. Plus, I know her from my awesome church, so she is legit.

Ready?!?!?

It's called a Plog. You know, a Poop Log.......Where you take a piece a paper, a pen and your potty-training child and follow him/her around all day. Then you keep a ledger or log, if you will, of the detailed workings of your child's butthole and urethra.

For example:

8:25 sat, nothing
8:50 clenching, sat nothing
9:45 saw treats, wanted one, went pee

10:55 tiny skid mark, clenching tried, no poop

11:25 pee accident
11:45 little poo in pants, sat nothing
12:00 pee accident
1:00 tiny poop in pants, sat nothing, then pee in toilet
1:30 asked to try, nothing
2:15 said tummy hurt, sat nothing
2:50 clenching, poop on bum but not on underwear sat, nothing

4:05 tiny pee drop in underwear sat, nothing
4:50 pee accident
5:30 try nothing
6:15 "
6:30

Day #2
8:00 woke up full diaper pee
8:10 tried, nothing
9:40 clenching, underpants clean, nothing

10:20 pee accident

10:45 clenching, clean underwear, nothing

11:15 pee accident
12:00 clenching, clean, nothing

12:10 "
1:10 clenching, pee + poop in toilet

2:20 tried to pee, 3 tiny drops

Dont forget to include what you found in their underwear/diaper/bum. Feel free to enumerate the drops of urine your subject delivers.
Also, include any clenching that may be going on. If you feel like it, include what orifice is doing the clenching. Don't be embarrassed to note skid marks.

You can even do this with your spouse, siblings or other family members.... which is why I'm totally bringing my pen and notebook when I visit my family next month. We've been trying to potty train my little sisters for years.

Above all, remember, this is your Plog, be as creative as you want.

Please note Cutter's 3.84615% success rate! Go Cutter!
(By the way, Cutter is one of the cutest, funniest, most entertaining kids I have ever had the pleasure of egging on. I wish I had a picture of him that didn't show him in his underpants and I would totally post it.)

Baby Bald Spot

2011-09-22T08:42:00.000-07:00

4 1/2 months old and balding. This cannot be good.
The bald spot that babies get on the back of their heads makes me crazy.

It makes me feel like a bad mom because it appears like all I do is lay him in his crib to rub the hair off all day. But I would never lay him in his crib all day. I totally move him to his pack-n-play. If he's behaving himself I even lay him on his playmat.

Baby Ryan has super fuzzy hair too. His little back looks like a fuzzy peach.... well, that or a mole rat... but I prefer peach.

He is also talented at growing a healthy mullet. I was really hoping that the White Trash gene was recessive but no such luck.

(yes, that is a baby straight-jacket that we tied him up in to give him the buzz.... don't judge.)

This is the second haircut Jared has given him. Jared tried to go all "professional" on him and give him a man haircut complete with a fade up the sides.

Now Cryin' Ryan looks like a 35 year old man with a drooling problem. If Baby is going to age that quickly, the least he could do is stop pooping his pants. amen to stopping pooping of the pants.

Origami Vagina

2011-09-12T09:15:00.001-07:00

Normally when you go on a Caribbean cruise, your room steward cleans your cabin and leaves you cute towel origami animals. It is precious.

Our October 2010 Babymoon was no different.

In the beautiful country of Belize, we skipped traditional shore excursions and made our way to a grocery store. I was pregnant and severely constipated and I needed some prune juice STAT. It was a lovely way to spend the day.

I waddled back to the ship and downed the prune juice. I chugged 1 litter in less than 3 minutes.

On top of constipation, I had wicked morning sickness. I promptly threw up the entire contents of my stomach....all over our tiny bathroom.

Purple frothy vomit blanketed everywhere but the toilet, where I was aiming.

I cleaned up the best I could with the travel handwipes I stole from the buffet.
It wasn't the best cleaning job I have ever done. I had to get out of the room before I started dry heaving from the smell.

We left and camped out on the deck for a few hours, feeling only slightly guilty for leaving the bathroom speckled with slop.
We headed back to the room to get ready for dinner.

We walked into our cabin and found this:

An origami vagina.

Feg's Wedding

2011-09-08T10:10:00.000-07:00

My little sister Megan, who I usually call Fegan, Feg, Fegalicious or Feg-feg (because it made her cry when she was little) was married this summer.

Doesn't Fegan look ravishing?

Weddings in the Barlocker family are usually sprinkled with inappropriateness. Because I had Cryin' Ryan only 4 weeks before, I was unceremoniously left out of Feg-feg's wedding shenanigans.

An entire dance routine turned out to be the highlight of Fegalicious's reception.

Take a look at this nightmare:

Be so kind and to note the facial expression on the middle brother's face.
Have you ever seen someone so delighted with themselves?

Turns out, my three socially inept brothers spent a buttload of cash to rent these tasteful Englishmen costumes. Oddly enough, the outfits came with bad English accents, which my brothers used throughout the night.

I couldn't miss out on the fun. I later broke out some awesome moves on the dancefloor.... baby bjorn and all.
My family's weddings can beat up your family's weddings. amen.

Sugar Titty

2011-09-05T09:15:00.000-07:00

Pee-baby is a little quitter.

Recently he has quit his pacifier, which sucks more than you can imagine.
He has also quit sleeping through the night, quit behaving for more than 8 minutes at a time, and quit enjoying car rides.
He also quit having hair on the back of his head. He is now sporting a stylin' baby bald spot.

(This is not Cryin' Ryan, but the bald spot does look exactly like this.... minus the green headband.)

Most notably, he has also decided to quit nursing from my left boob.
You read that right... he will not latch on my left boob.

Though I am all for voluptuous breasts, my full left breast next to the empty right one is not really what I had in mind.

But, no need to fear! Jared's Grandma to the rescue!
She told us about the good ol' days when people gave their babies the sugar titty. really.
Jared asked her to repeat herself.... 5 times..... I think Jared just liked hearing his grandma say "titty".

Turns out, a sugar titty is a actually a pretty reasonable solution to Baby Ryan's poor behavior. You put sugar or honey in a piece of fabric, twist it, then tie it in a knot. Then the baby sucks on it.... hence "sugar tit". Seriously. Google it. I'm pretty sure filling your baby up with empty calories has no negative repercussions.

I bet you were anticipating a much dirtier picture... but my mom read this blog. amen.

And apart from the fact that sugar rots their mouths and honey has the potential to cause brain damage, it seemed like a really good idea. Thanks for ruining everything Kelly.

Prune Juice

2011-08-24T14:31:00.001-07:00

I am getting old.

Evidence:

A couple of years ago I had to get glasses. Now I squint when I forget to put my contacts in.
I order the early bird special at Yolanda's.
I have some wrinkles.
My boobs are not where they used to be.
I used to love Forever 21 and Charlotte Russe but now they make me gag.
I totally get constipated and drink prune juice.
I am in bed by 9:30.
I enjoy Jeopardy. I watch it with Jared's grandma.
I listen to Talk Radio.
I use Costco coupons religiously.
I have poor bladder control.
I have a kid.
I bet I smell weird.

Does anyone know how much Adult Diapers Cost???

M is for Mad

2011-08-01T14:12:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about feelings. I feel pissed off. I also feel mad.
Here is some stuff that contributes to my loss of faith in mankind:

When other people babies are cuter than mine

Gum-spitter-outers-on-sidewalk

The fact that men can't breastfeed

The idiot with 37 items in the 10 items or less checkout lane

Strangers who touch Cryin Ryan's face with their infected germ laden hands

Slow drivers in the fast lane

The price of diapers

AIDS

People who leave poop in public toilets

Loud cell phone talkers

Loud people on airplanes. Don't these idiots realize that custom dictates everyone shuts up after departure? no one else on the entire plane is talking except for these morons. It ruins the entire flight. That's why I pack earplugs.

Guys that hit on me when I clearly have a wedding ring and a baby.

Use of the cliché, "At the end of the day"

When I think Cryin' Ryan took a dump and then I go to change his diaper and only find a little poop stamp.... What a waste of a diaper.

That is all.

Thou Shalt Forgive

2011-07-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

In the past couple of weeks Cryin' Ryan has seriously offended me.

Pee-baby's transgressions:

I was putting diaper cream on his bum and he farted, splattering the paste on my face and lips. Luckily my mouth was closed.

I was playing with him and kissing his lips and he spit up into my mouth. I never wanted to taste my own breastmilk, let alone regurgitated breastmilk.

He pooped all over himself right before a church activity. I was totally the white trash mom who brings their baby out in public with only a diaper on. My friend Gayle had to hold my naked baby while I dug around in my car for an emergency outfit.

He has made a habit of taking huge monster dumps at the most inconvenient times. He never has pooped out of his diaper at home. Instead he saves the explosions for church, the airport or restaurants.

He's a little crybaby.

He pissed me off by growing out of his 0-3 month size clothing. It's sad when I think he will never wear some of the cute little outfits ever again. How dare he grow.

A girl from my church named Melanie (who is also Pee-baby's surrogate aunt) came over and held him all day. He was a happy, perfect angel, that is, until she left and I had to take him back. He was a little crybaby the rest of the night. I suspect my baby likes her more than he likes me. He is only using me for my boobs.

And he poops too much.

But today I was holding the sinner while Jared was playing/talking trash to baby.
He was saying, WAHHHH! I'm cryin Ryan, all I do is cry, WAH, WAH, WAH!

Then baby smiled his giant smile and did his first little giggle.
And all was forgiven. amen.

Decorating with Poo

2011-06-07T10:21:00.000-07:00

My baby is disgusting. All he does is fart, poo, pee, spit up and suck on my boobs. Ryan is so fowl that from now on he will only be referred to as "baby".

Today he spit up all over my tits. My boobs were not happy to have their milk rudely given back.

One early morning at 2 a.m. I was woken up by Baby. I fed him and then politely set him on the changing table to get down to business. Baby was farting and pooping the whole time I was feeding him so I was not excited to discover what awaited me in his diaper.

I slowly peeled back the Velcro fasteners and opened one eye to assess the damage.

There lay a small round puddle of baby turd.

I began wiping up only to notice baby's face turning bright red. Squeezing his eyes in extreme concentration he let out a labored grunt. The next thing I knew, everything in a 3 foot radius was splattered with grainy baby poop.

I yelled out to Jared, HELP! HELP!

He woke up and hurried to my aid. He diapered Baby up and changed his poo/pee drenched clothing.

I surveyed the explosion.

I had no idea that baby was actually an elite pastry chef in his former life.
Dollops of feces frosting coated the changing table and bed. He had embellished the bed spread with intricate rosebuds every few inches. The array of squirt lines were crisp and professional. He was a master decorator with the piping bag, only instead of the piping bag he used his butt.

amen.

Bumpin Uglies

2011-06-01T19:13:00.000-07:00

What I'm about to expose you to may change your life, and not necessarily for the better.

If there is one thing I'm amazing at (outside the bedroom) it's drawing nasty, nasty pictures.

My nerdy brother, Matthew, or as I like to call him, Beaster, is a computer programmer. He is pretty ugly so it's a good thing he's smart. Beaster and I have been working on this app for months. He has been programming while I've been busy thinking up filthy things and drawing them. Some of the characters are so fowl I can smell them.

Who would have guessed that my seemingly useless talent would land me a position as Creative Director for one of the most messed up iphone applications to date? Finally I can cross getting paid to draw dirty pictures off my life's to do list.

Enter BUMPIN UGLIES. This is the website.
Check out the preview and download it here.
You get to customize your own uglies then trade them with your friends and/or enemies.

Let's all take a moment of silence to contemplate the beauty of my artwork...........

This is an open invitation to bump my ugly so you better download it if you have an ipod, iphone or ipad. If you don't I will take it as a personal insult that you refuse to bump uglies with me and repercussions are sure to follow. I will send you hate email.

PLUS if enough people download it the investors will buy me an iphone. I am desperately uncool and would be so much more popular/pretty/cool at church if I had one.

Join our facebook page too.
Also, check out this lame video about it on youtube.

Let me know if you have any ideas or suggestions that would make the game better.

Hot or Not.com: A Love Story

2011-05-20T08:06:00.000-07:00

I have a confession.

Jared and I met on the internet.

It's true. While most of our close friends and family are now privy to this information, it was kept under wraps for a few years after we met.
Back in 2004, meeting people on the internet was considered taboo (at least within my social circle) and strictly reserved for 14 year old girls and pedophiles.
So, we kept our relationship's origins a secret. We were so embarrassed that we didn't even tell my parents.
Only Jared's roommates and 2 of my closest friends knew. And my 2 friends were also my bridesmaids and threatened to expose us during their toasts at my reception. Instead they gave a witty toast alluding to it without giving us away.

Without further explanation -
Hot or Not.com: A Love Story

Once upon a time my brother Jake and I decided to play Hotornot.com. After making fun of people and rating their pictures for an undisclosed amount of time, I decided to create my own account....

We took a picture of me in my pajamas when I just woke up after a pretty rough night. It looked like this:

After a week the verdict was in. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the hottest, the hot or not community thought I was a 9.4. oh yes, you read that right. 9.4.
Another element of hot or not includes a profile where you can write about yourself and email other people. My profile read something like this:

I am failing math 1010 for the second time at the University of Utah. I enjoy humming Mormon children's songs, snowboarding better than you and playing naked twister. Please contact me if you will tutor me in Math for free. I work at a blood lab and don't have much money because I just bought a snowboard pass. P.S. I have a bad attitude.

Before long I was offered free tutoring from a dude with a handsome profile pic. of him in a speedo, cowboy hat and leather vest. sexy.

Jared offered free math tutoring.... but we we ended up just making out in the hot tub. I failed math that semester.

What began as an embarrassing internet love match soon blossomed into weekly make-out sessions, which then turned into engagement and then marriage and lobster underpants on our wedding night. Precious!

Tomorrow is our 6 year anniversary. amen.

This picture of Jared has nothing to do with this post, he is just being manly and carrying a tree.

My Mom is Better Than Your Mom: Part II

2011-05-13T11:02:00.000-07:00

My mom flew out from Salt Lake City and spent 2 weeks with me after I had the baby. Like I said, my mom is WAY better than your mom. Actually my mom could totally beat your mom up.

AND my dad surprised us by showing up a few days before my mom left to meet the baby. He wasn't going to come to California but showed up at my house at 1 in the morning. I love being my parents favorite child.

I would have been a raging mess without my mom. I have been a nanny, worked with kids a lot and am the second oldest of 7 kids. I thought I had a pretty good idea of how to wrangle a baby. Turns out I lacked the special tricks mom's know.

Babies like to be sung to, even if you suck at singing.
Don't use cold water to wash them
Wash the butt last.
Tuck the wienie down.
Eat a ton of food so you have giant monster tits to breastfeed with.
Breast pads can double as coasters.
Treat poop stains immediately or your baby will be wearing yellow-tinged clothing.
Resign yourself to the fact that you are going to be changing diapers 10 to 567 times a day.

She even spent Mother's day taking care of me and my sweet little old man pee-baby. Dang I'm lucky.

Meet Pee-Baby

2011-05-13T09:41:00.000-07:00

This is Ryan James Scott. Also known as crooked nose, milk-face and pee-baby.
He was born 5 days early April 27, 2011 after I drank a generous amount of Castor oil.

(I would expand on the birth story but I like to keep things classy in this blog, so you'll just have to use your imagination.....it includes ample amounts of blood and pain, emergency surgery on my kooter, only one use of the "f" word, 1 1/2 week long recovery complete with pain pills that made me dumber than usual, and a stunned/angry baby.)

He had a really crooked nose when he was born. I assume my body squished him out of pure rage from being pregnant. It has straightened out now which is kind of a miracle because his face is squished up against my giant boobs every 3 hours.

I also callhim milk-face because after he eats, he looks like a crazed rabid squirrel with milk all over his little face. Funny or gross? I'm going to say it's a little of both.

Pee-baby got this moniker after my mom and I went to the movies with him. He peed all over himself after I forgot to tuck his baby-peen down in the diaper. I did'nt realize he peed until Thor was almost over. I went to change him and found newborn urine saturated through his clothes and 2 layers of blankets. The grossest part was that his umbilical stump thing was all soggy from the pee bath. bleh..... hence, pee-baby.

The best part about pee-baby/Ryan is that he smiles when I talk to him or kiss him. Either he is responding to my voice or has rather well timed gas.

amen.

Childbirth Charades

2011-04-20T13:36:00.000-07:00

I recently graduated an intensive Childbirth class (along with my BA in Sociology I should be making six figures in no time!!!)
Our Guatemalan instructor was portly, under 5 feet tall and she had an accent that made everything sound hilarious... especially the word, placenta.

I expected to be schooled in the quick and dirty art of childbirth. What I didn't expect came on the second day of class.

CHILDBIRTH CHARADES.

The baby-daddies all had to participate as the actors. They had to pick a slip of paper from the Guatemalan's glass bowl and proceed to act it out to the rest of the class.

Jared raised his hand to go first.
He picked out a piece of paper and scanned the room for props. I knew this was going to be embarrassing.
He grabbed something in his hand and stood stoically at the front of the classroom.

Jared began to walk slowly then stopped, lifted his leg like a dog about to pee, made a graphic slurping sound and dropped a wad of paper.

Another baby-daddy yelled out, "Mucus plug!!!!!!!!!" and won a point for our team. Really.

The other slips of paper included things like, water breaking (where a dude poured his water bottle all over the carpet), placenta delivery, active labor and crowning.

Nothing gets a girl more excited for childbirth than men acting out these disturbing scenarios.

I have 2 requests:

1. I am 38 weeks now and would appreciate any prayers and thoughts of goodwill towards my baby and I. I would appreciate if those thoughts included me having it before the due date of May 2nd.

2. I also need some ideas of words and/or expressions I can use in lieu of the "F", "S", and "m-effer" words while in labor. I do not want my sweet baby's entry into the world littered with my dirty language.

In the words of my hilarious friend Kelly.... it's so close to the end I can taste it..... and it tastes disgusting. amen to that.

Pregnant at the BGClub

2011-04-15T12:10:00.000-07:00

Being pregnant at the Boys and Girls Club has been interesting. Most of these kids watch too much T.V. and/or have older brothers and sisters that fill them in on life's mysteries.

Some questions the first graders have recently asked:

Question: What are those red things all over your face? They look a little gross.
Answer: Zits, Jaun. They are zits. Sit down and be quiet.

Q: Are you going to tell your baby to sit down and be quiet when it cries?
A: Actually......Yes

Q: Does milk come out of your boobs?
A: Ask your mom

Q: What if you were going poo and the baby fell out? (obviously asked by FRANK)
A: If you only knew..... ask your mom

Q: Would Jared be mad if the baby came out black? My auntie's baby was black and her boyfriend was really mad.
A: Yes, Jared would be mad.

Q: Why does your belly look like a basketball? Can we play with it during free time?
A: Get your Cheeto hands off my stomach.

Q: What if your baby is annoying like Kristina?
A: Don't ever say that again.

Q: Why do you have an outie bellybutton? Can we put tape on it? It looks like it's always looking at us.
A: It is looking at you...

And how could I forget this gem of a conversation?

Kid: I know how your baby got in there......
Me: No you don't.
Kid: yeah I do.
Me: Fine. How?
Kid: S-E-X.
Me: ........ ask your mom.

My last day of work was yesterday. Bittersweet.
Considering I am 38 weeks pregnant I figured I should gracefully bow out now while I don't have body fluids coming out everywhere. I do not want to field questions about amniotic fluid or colostrum.
amen.

It's True

2011-04-04T18:43:00.001-07:00

I don't remember where I found this picture, but it's probably true. And kudos to the scientists who discovered this essential fact.

Bad Decisions and a Pumice Stone

2011-03-30T11:58:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard of the old advice that you should toughen your nipples in preparation for breastfeeding?
I have.
And from about 15 different breastfeeding moms.
Most say you can just use a washcloth to rub your nips.

I wash my boobs everyday so I wasn't convinced that using a washcloth would help me achieve the tough nipples I was hoping for.

So.... I was showering and spotted my pumice stone on the shelf. It was new so I figured it would be perfect for nipple toughening.

Bad decision. amen.

Fine Cuisine

2011-03-28T11:38:00.001-07:00

Growing up in the Barlocker home provided lessons in culture and refinement. This resulted in the buttloads of class we all exhibit today.

The fine arts were explored through ample Mormon-theme paintings from Seagull Book and Tape hung around the house. Also, for our viewing pleasure, were numerous paintings by the king of mass production and "painter of light", Thomas Kincade.

Literature was available in the form of the 1992 Encyclopedia. Even though this was only used to look up sexual intercourse, penis and vagina, the mere presence of the collection on our bookshelves was testament to our neighbors how cultured we were. We also had boxes of National Geographic magazines. Once again we only used them to gawk at the orangutan tits on the tribeswoman from the Amazon.

Fine cuisine was an everyday occurrence. As we dined as a family every night we were served only the most cultured food.

Among the best was the poop dog:

Made with a hot dog sliced down the middle lengthwise, fake mashed potatoes plopped in between the folds and ample amounts of yellow cheese sprinkled over the top.

These are then customarily served on Styrofoam plates.

My mom busted this centuries old recipe out on our last trip to Utah. Jared offered to help cook. After my mom instructed him how to create this masterpiece, Jared came to talk to me.

With a serious demeanor he asked me if I had ever heard of the poop dogs. He thought it was a joke. I told him poop dogs are serious as a heart attack.

And then we partook. amen.

The Puberty Game

2011-03-11T09:52:00.000-08:00

At the Boys and Girls club, apart from being the best kindergarten and 1st grade after school program teacher, I am in charge of the SMART GIRLS program.

I was assigned this position specifically because I can say "penis" in front of large groups of kids. Really. The other candidates would only commit to saying "pee-pee".

SMART GIRLS is fundamentally centered around maturation, rape, abuse, drugs and how to choose good friends. Oh yeah, with a little bit of self-esteem thrown in for good measure. I have a teacher's lesson manual to provide guidance.

A few weeks ago the 4th and 5th grade girls and I embarked on Lesson #1: The Puberty Game.

First I had to hand out a printout that looked like this:

The girls had to name and draw arrows to the things that happen to your body during puberty. They got a point for each correct identification.

Then we had a discussion about it.... It went as you would expect:

Me: What happens during puberty?

Girls:
-pubes
-your chi chi's get bigger if youre lucky
-that thing where blood comes out of your thingy
-B.O.
-special feelings about boys
-you grow a mustache
-you have to talk about sex at the boys and girls club
-you might get a baby in your stomach

I explained that babies don't automatically get into your body, you have to try to put them there.
They asked where you got little babies and how to put them in.
I told them that you have to have sex.

Also, at the beginning of the class I told them that if they had any questions they didn't want to ask out loud, they could write them down and I would answer them at the end. The questions all looked like this:

I bluntly told them.

Then the entire class stared at me and pregnant stomach like I was the biggest slut ever.
amen.

Battle Royale

2011-03-10T09:40:00.000-08:00

Final Showdown!

My 8 months pregnant belly button V. My cat's butthole

Notice, if you will, the uncanny resemblance.

Which is grosser? I cannot decide.

Poor Chucky. He only scratched me twice when I pinned him down and took the picture. He was mad at me for like, 2 hours afterwards. I felt like a molester.
At least now I can scratch "take close up picture of something's butt" off of my life's to do list.

B is for Butt/Wiener Vase

2011-02-28T13:07:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday I was leaving for work and found this on my front porch:

That's right. A butt/wiener vase filled with chips and salsa.

Completed with a ransom style note:

"You are the only one who could truly appreciate a gift like this!"

After I giggled and grinned like a fat kid for 10 minutes, a few questions came to mind.

1. Who saw this vase and immediately thought to themselves "Emily loves butts and all things inappropriate, I should give this to her...."?

2. Who is brilliant enough to fill the butt portion with chips and the peen tray with salsa?

3. Where does one find such refined decor? Surely only someplace high class like Restoration Hardware or some boutique in L.A.

4. With the anonymous nature of this gift, how will the giver know what joy and hope for mankind this present brought with it?

5. Does the giver know what kind of appreciation angry pregnant women feel towards someone who gives them food AND makes them laugh?

So many unanswered questions....
Every time I see it on my kitchen table I laugh with reverence.
amen.

Babymoons and Making Out

2011-02-24T11:49:00.000-08:00

I was asked by a reader to give some suggestions about things knocked up women can do in Lake Powell. I feel almost overly qualified to discuss this subject as Lake Powell is where I got pregnant.
I have a pretty good idea of the location of the rock my baby was conceived behind. Actually it could have been any one of the six rocks where we snuck away to..... Which explains the unnecessary grins on our faces....

I think Lake Powell is one of the best places on earth. It is beautiful (and full of large rocks). When we go, we rent a houseboat and float around to a bunch of different campsites.

If you happen to have a huge pregnant belly you can still partake of some of my favorite L.P. activities:

Reading

I bring a ton of books each time I go. I especially like to read books that correlate with my surroundings such as:
Adrift - about a dude who was lost for 67 days at sea
A Sand County Almanac - written by an early conservationist and includes essays about responsible relationships between man and nature.
If you're knocked up you could bring a bunch of baby books that provide way too much info and are bound to freak you out.

Girlie Stuff

I love to bring spa supplies. Even though you're technically camping, LP is the perfect place for this type of crap.
I bring face and body scrubs, massage oil, deep conditioning treatments, manicure supplies, stuff for facials and whatever else I couldn't refuse at Sephora.

Hike

You can hike and explore everywhere. Even if you're so pregnant you can't wipe your own butt there are easy trials and walks along the beach.

Have Sex Behind Large Rocks

This is super fun. It doesn't hurt to bring some wet naps in your backpack for cleaning up. Just because you are in nature does not mean you need to hike around with sticky hands.

Take a nap in the sun with the baby-daddy. Large blocks of cuddle time will make the babymoon way better. Plus, Growing a tiny human is hard work and a little nap will never hurt anyone.

Stargaze/Makeout session

The night sky at LP is incredible. Bring an astronomy book if you're into that kind of nerdy thing. Then makeout. I like to makeout.

Swim

I suck at swimming. I am scared of open water. But... like a toddler.... throw a life jacket on me and I'm ready for some time in the refreshing water. Then makeout.

Flag Holding

While everyone else wakeboards you can hold the flag when someone is in the water. Tedious, but someone must do it. And since you're pregnant, you might as well get used to the fact that everyone around you gets to have fun while you're peeing and/or barfing every 10 minutes.

Jared and I went on a cruise for our Babymoon. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Seasickness + morning sickness + constipation = not that much making out.

We still had fun and it was cool to visit Belize and Honduras, as I have never been to those places before. Overall, I think our money would have been better spent on a different form of travel.

F is for Fat

2011-02-15T14:29:00.000-08:00

I just got back from a gyno appointment. I gained 8 1/2 pounds in 4 1/2 weeks.
I totally got in trouble. The doctor asked, Whats the deal? What have you been doing the last month? Did you quit walking?

I feel so dirty and ashamed.

I am officially banning Taco Bell and it's delicious nacho cheese from my diet.

I'm going to sulk and watch Project Runway reruns tonight.... and wear a sweatsuit.
amen.

Being Pregnant

2011-02-11T09:56:00.000-08:00

Good: My boobs are huge
Bad: So is everything else

Good: I can feel my baby kick all the time
Bad: On my bladder and when I'm trying to sleep

Good: My hair grows faster and thicker than it ever has
Bad: Not just the hair on my head

Good: I haven't gained as much weight as I thought I would
Bad: It's because I vomited 5 months straight, and still do at random intervals

Good: I get to buy a lot of new clothes
Bad: Only because none of mine fit me anymore

Good: People are extra courteous and nice to pregnant girls
Bad: It's out of pure pity

Good: Jared and I got to take a Baby-moon cruise
Bad: It was mostly spent in the room, not having sex, but throwing up and being constipated

Good: Pregnant sex is awesome
Bad: My gynecologist saw the bike mark on my inner thigh

Good: People tell me I look great and I'm glowing
Bad: I know it's only because I wear tons of makeup and bronzer to cover the greenish tint of my tired skin and my pregnancy induced breakouts

Good: Shopping for baby clothes!
Bad: Realizing that the kid is going to poop and throw up all over them

Good: Jared bought me a Massage Envy 3 month membership
Bad: not one thing

Good: Jared is extra sweet and nice to me, he gives me massages every night and rubs anti-stretch mark lotion on me.
Bad: The fact that I need stretch mark lotion.

Good: I don't have stretch marks
Bad: ...yet

Being pregnant sucks but ultimately it's kind of awesome. There is a little human growing in me. 23 chromosomes from me and 23 from Jared, which is pretty romantic when you think about it.

Christie (my good and funny friend who is more terrified of kids than I am),
Don't be too afraid.

love, emily

Cal State's Finest

2011-02-08T09:05:00.000-08:00

I officially graduated with a Bachelors in Sociology with an emphasis in Social Work from Cal State University. FINALLY.

My last class was kind of the coup de grace of all sociology classes. It is meant to incorporate everything a fine young sociology major has learned over his/her academic career. The class included a bunch of crap and a hard-core professor to harass you every step of the way.
My research topic was Children and Gender Roles. I had to do the following:

1. Complete 50 hour internship
I knew the internship had to relate to our research topic. I also knew that volunteering when you could possibly get paid was out of the question. I got my current job at the Boys and Girls Club so that I could make money while researching. 2 birds, 1 stone. No one else in my entire class tried to do this. They were all jealous that I had such foresight. Suckers.

2. Utilized Authorized Research Methods
I basically had to fill out loads of paperwork and harass my boss to complete them for 5 weeks straight. Gathering info on young kids is considered a "no-no" without written permission and contracts with CSUN.

3. Gather and Analyze Statistics
I observed the kids for over 120 hours during free play. And gathered over 150 journals pages. I then proved how awesome I am at statistics and entered all my data into into the stat program SPSS.

4. Apply Sociological Theory
I applied sociological theory.

I did an amazing job on this project and made a lame poster to go with it. Then came my presentation......

I aced it. I did an amazing job.
One week later I picked up my poster and grade. As I turned to leave the Professor told me to look closely at my poster. He asked if I saw anything wrong with it.
I'm an idiot. Embarrassing. I thought I was so cool for collecting better and more relevant data than everyone else in the class and I had to ruin it by misspelling "Roles" as "Rolls". This is basically unforgivable in the sociological realm.

Plus I bet during my whole presentation the class was thinking about fresh penis-shaped baked goods.

Furry Poop

2011-01-27T09:20:00.000-08:00

DUDE. Chucky pooped all over himself yesterday. NASTY.

He came in from the laundry room all scared and ashamed while waddling toward me at the kitchen sink. I eyed him suspiciously.

I have never had any incidences with him not using the litter box. I never expected to pick him up and find fresh stool matted to his entire body. I knew as soon as I grabbed him and felt his wet fur squish between my fingers something was terribly, terribly wrong. But in my usual groping manner I pulled him to my chest to smother him. It was only after it was too late that I realized I just gave myself a cat-poo stamp right on my new shirt. Decent maternity shirts are hard to come by. I was pissed. I raised my fist to the sky and cursed whatever deity had allowed this.

I immediately threw him in the sink. I grabbed his neck and head in the palm of my hand and soaked his entire body. I had to peel the little turd strips from between each cat finger.I learned that cats don't really enjoy baths. I felt so used.

After I had a sopping wet kitten that was pretty awesome-looking so I then I made him have a photoshoot. Look at how angry he was:

I dried him off sufficient then let him escape my evil grasp. Two minutes later he came and crawled onto my lap and wanted to cuddle. I finished drying him and was glad he didn't hold grudges.

After this shenanigans I had an epiphany:
In 3 1/2 months when I have the baby, my life will consist of scrubbing feces off of little animals. Not very awesome. I hope it cuddles after. amen.

P.S. The smile on my face is fake. Being pregnant sucks at least 75% of the time.

My Commitment Problems

2011-01-18T10:13:00.001-08:00

This past summer, my commitment to working retail was seriously questioned. I have worked at a few retail locations throughout my college career. They give awesome discounts and I can demand to be scheduled no more than 10 hours a week.

My boss at Joes Jeans, whom I'll call "Kerrie" because that's her name, called my allegiance into serious question.

I asked for the the week of the 4th of July off a month prior to my scheduled trip to Lake Powell. Then I found my name on the schedule.... I went to chat with Kerrie.

Me:I don't understand why I am on the schedule.

K: Well next week is the 4th of July so it's going to be busy and we're getting a huge shipment so you have to stay and help.

Me: Right........ So like I said, I'm going to be in Lake Powell next week..............

K: Mark asked for time off too and he didnt get it off either.

Me: Well Mark is the assistant manager, he is more invested in the store than I am. I barely work ten hours a week and get paid next to nothing. One of the only reasons I work here is because of the flexibility (and amazing discounts, but I didn't say that).

K: Obviously your commitment to Joes Jeans isn't up to the level I thought it was.

Me: Wait.... when exactly did you get the idea that commitment existed between me and my part-time retail job?

K: You can't just not show up for work.

Me: That's why I asked for it off a month ago.

K: Well, you're not allowed to take any time off next week.

Me: You're not my mom.

(I blink and look around the backroom)

Me: I'll let you know how awesome Lake Powell is when I get back.

But she showed me. When I came back my job, along with any devotion or commitment that may have existed, was gone. Now whenever I want a discount I have to bake the other coworkers cookies so they will purchase jeans for me. amen.

Meet Chucky

2011-01-11T11:31:00.001-08:00

He is my awesome and adorable kitten.
He is only about 20% evil, which is remarkable for a cat.
He has only made me bleed once.
He is named after the infamous doll Chucky

The first day I brought him home he was too scared to come out of our expertly designed bathroom.
Notice, if you will, the light pink painted cabinets paired with the farmhouse sink circa 1984.... Perfection. I know you're probably wondering if there is light pink tile to match, and yes, there certainly is.

I've never had a pet indoors before and I am a little anal when it come to a clean house. I brush him for at least 15 minutes everyday. I also wipe him down with waterless cat shampoo at least once a day.
An apricot fresh kitten smells way better than dirty buttholed kittens, which is also why I have kitten wipes to wash his butt after he dumps.

Plus..... Chucky LOVES Butt Doll.

I could watch him rape it for hours. Precious!!!

Belly Molestation

2011-01-07T12:11:00.000-08:00

When I found out I was knocked up I had a few pressing concerns.

Initially, I was most nervous about (in this order):

1. Being responsible for another human
2. Belly rubs/molestation
3. Not being able to sleep on my stomach
4. Stretch Marks
5. Childbirth - not the pain, but more the fact that tons of people are totally going to see my kooter.

For some reason people's hands gravitate towards pregnant woman's stomachs. I'll admit I'm guilty of doing it too.

I am fiercely protective of my personal space and was FREAKED out by the idea that people would want to fondle my unborn child.
So I had big plans to derail any unwanted belly touching.
I had lay awake many nights and fully mapped out the following scenarios:

Woman rubs my pregnant belly - I was going to rub theirs for the same duration

Man rubs my belly - I yell "Rape!!!"

Kid rubs my belly - I hit them in the face with it

And I was going to make this shirt -BUT.... it turns out I kind of like the belly rubs and they aren't awkward at all.... weirdly unexpected. And I feel dumb. amen.

Mormons in Vegas

2010-12-30T09:46:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the Annual Barlocker Mormon Christmas Trip to Sin City!!!

That's right. Every year, a few days before Christmas the Barlocker's get together in one of the dirtiest cities in America.

Vegas as a Mormon is an entirely different experience.

For instance:

Latino dudes handing you porn on the street? - Simply reply with "No me gusta pinoche"

Half dressed alcoholic begging for money on the street? - Remind them "Jesus loves you" and only make fun of them when they are out of hearing range.

Tempted by the hypnotizing ring of the slot machines? - Just sneak down there at night when your parents and husband aren't there to give you disapproving stares. It's ok to gamble if it's only $10 on the Wild Unicorn slot machines right?

You are probably thinking.... If you don't collect free porn, make fun of homeless people or gamble, why go to Vegas?

1. Food
The Treasure Island buffet has Cotton Candy.

2. Shopping
My Mom and Dad love me and like to buy me stuff and things.

3. Shows
We saw Blue man group and Cirque de Soleil's Le Reve.

Also if you are pregnant you can have even more fun!!!

3. While you are throwing up in the bathroom from morning sickness, you can accidentally pee your pants. Then when you join everyone else at the table you can explain yourself. Walking back to your hotel on the strip is even more fun as you waddle along in your soiled pants. At least it was raining so moist pants were a little more common.

4. While driving home the baby can kick your bladder and make you have to pop a squat on the side of the road (namely ZZYZX road). This is even better if you have a little diarrhea. It's especially awesome when your husband promises not to watch but then totally watches the whole thing. At least I had wet naps in the car....

(Note: maternity pants are even less flattering when they're around your ankles.)

amen.

Pornographic Ultrasound

2010-12-28T09:47:00.000-08:00

It's a Boy!

Or a really masculine girl, as my dad suggested.

Naturally, after seeing the pornographic nature of this picture, I asked my doctor if fetuses get boners.
She said they don't. Luckily. That would have been creepy.

I have already had issues coming to terms that there is a little wiener hanging out inside my body.

I was kind of hoping for a girl, but after I bought a tiny tuxedo t-shirt for the well-hung boy I felt better.

Oh yeah, here's a belly picture just for you Kenzie.

B is for Bratty

2010-12-13T09:48:00.000-08:00

About a month ago, after my constipation issues, this pleasant conversation took place.

Office Girl: Vagina doctors of Channel Islands, how may I help you?

Me: Hi, I missed my appointment last Thursday due to extreme constipation. I need to reschedule.

OG: You didn't show up for your appointment last week? Shame on you. I will take the next few minutes to get mad at you and make you feel guilty for missing your appointment...............................................Ok, which doctor do you normally see?

Me: Dr. Ferro (the only female at that practice)

OG: oh..... well..... she is out of town this entire week.

Me: No big deal, I'll make an appointment for next week.

OG: No, that's too late, it says here that you need to have your 16 week exam.

Me: No.

OG: um.....

Me: There is no way I'm going to a male Doctor for this. I'll wait for Dr. Ferro

OG: No, it will be too late, you need to come in asap.

Me: No way.

OG: I'll schedule your appointment

Me: I don't think you understand. I have a major problem with male doctors. I sometimes have to get internal ultrasounds because of previous cysts and there is no way that is happening with a male doctor.

OG: You still need to come in.

Me: Do you even know what an internal ultrasound is?

OG: I don't think you have to have one of those.

Me: You better make sure because if I come in and have to do any vagina stuff, I'll fake constipation and leave.

OG: Please hold.................................................

OG: Ok, you only have to have an external ultrasound.

Me: No vagina stuff?

OG: No vagina stuff.

Me: Promise?

OG: Promise.

Me: K - sign me up.

Don't worry, I just called back later and rescheduled with the chic doctor.

Pee Stick

2010-12-08T11:14:00.000-08:00

Usually if I have a huge problem or stress in my life I ignore it until is goes away. I realize this isn't necessarily a healthy coping mechanism but (normally) it works beautifully.

So almost 5 months ago when I discovered this:

... I realized that I actually didn't want this problem to go away. Very usual behavior. I have an aversion to all things that potentially cause stress or make me gain weight, and this was sure to do both of those things.

Regardless, I am 5 months knocked up next week. I am due May 2. I will find out the sex next Monday. amen.

Commandment #11

2010-11-17T07:18:00.000-08:00

I've committed a horrible sin.

Yes, I've broken the cardinal rule of all rules. The coup de grace of all mortal blows. The question that can only end up embarrassing both the asker and the recipient.

I asked a chick if she was pregnant.

First Offense
When: 2006
Where: Outback Steakhouse in Dayton, Ohio
Who: Me (the waitress) and an unsuspecting customer
Why: I was young and naive

I swear this 30-something year old chick looked 7 months pregnant. Plus, she and her date were holding hand across the table all night talking about kids. When I handed them the check, I inquired about their impending Due Date.

Me: So, when are you due?
Unsuspecting Chick: um, excuse me?
Me: Uhhhhhh... when are you due (*cough*)
UC: I think I misunderstood you, say it again?
Me: Here's your check.

Then I ran away. I also paid another waiter $5 to go pick up their credit card so I wouldn't have to face the angry couple. I didn't get a tip. Did I learn my lesson??? OF COURSE NOT! I even discussed this last week at a dinner with a group of friends. We all agreed that the question of pregnancy is to be avoided no matter what. A couple days later I did this:

Second Offense
When: 2 Days ago
Where: A store at the mall
Who: The salesgirl
Why: I am a flat out idiot

The sales girl looked knocked up. She was actually wearing a maternity shirt that the store had displayed in the front window. I put it together: maternity shirt + pregnant looking stomach = 100% pregnant. WRONG! I felt like such a jerk-off I stayed and talked to her for 10 minutes about her kids. I even looked at pictures of them and said, "Awwwww! They are precious! Look at all that hair!"
Then I left and Jared called me dumb.

Pregnant or fat? That is the question. And I will never ask it again.

I hereby promise to never ask another human that question ever, ever, ever. May God forgive me. amen.

Meat Stick

2010-11-12T09:29:00.000-08:00

As I prepare to visit my family for the holidays, I am reminded of childhood traditions..... most notably..... the Meat Stick.

My family loves these things.

On Christmas morning we would all wake up to stockings filled with a toothbrush, peanuts, and our very own Meat Stick. Jared vividly remembers visiting the Barlocker house while we were dating.

"I'd come over and there would be like 9 Meat Sticks scattered around the house. All of them would have various amounts gnawed off."

He once found my little sisters meat stick behind the pillow on the couch. She was very grateful that he had found it and began chewing off the side of it.

That's how we roll at the Barlocker house. word.

Side-note: I would not recommend eating any meat that does not require refrigeration.

I Found a Tooth

2010-11-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

Everyday I go to work hoping something awesome will happen. Yesterday it did.

I found a tooth. In the Cafeteria, next to a bag of old brown apple slices. I eyed it suspiciously for about 2 minutes. Then I called out, "OK gross kids.... who's missing a tooth?"

Three kids raised their hands.
All three came up, looked at the tooth in question and said "nope, not mine" or "mine was bigger."

Now there is a Lost and Found box for missing teeth in the Boys and Girls Club Office.

Two Questions:
Why are kids so nasty?
What is wrong with my life?

Meet Frank

2010-10-28T09:12:00.000-07:00

At the Boys and Girls club we are making "all about me" journals. Each day I give them a page they get to fill out and color.

This is what sweet little 6-year-old Frank turned in:

Me too Frank, me too.

T is for Texting

2010-10-26T23:21:00.000-07:00

I now know what is feels like for someone who has herpes.

Every time I tell someone I don't have text messaging, they look at me like I have herpes.
Complete disgust, confusion and parental disappoint covers their faces.
After my confession I feel so dirty and ashamed.
Why I don't have text messaging:

I am too cheap to pay for it. $20 a month to send people little love notes?
I don't even like communicating with other people.
My phone bothers me enough. I am not responsible enough to remember it all the time and am the WORST when it comes to calling people back. It's not personal, I ignore everyone equally.
Then my work can get a hold of me easier. No thanks.

It basically comes down to the fact that I just don't want to pay for it.
Stop looking at me like I'm all Herpetic*. amen.

*disease infested

Embarrassing Deliverance

2010-10-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday was one of the worst days of my life.

I woke up to horrible cramps that made me drop more than a few obscenities. I thought maybe I had a monster ovarian cyst again but then I remembered I hadn't pooped in 5 days.

Constipation is of the devil. I thought I was about to give birth to the King of Darkness himself. If you have ever been that constipated you know what I'm talking about. Every time I moved my intestines freaked out so I stayed in fetal position crying "mommy" for over 2 hours.

Having never had 5 days worth of turds stuck in my intestines I called my Doctor in a panic. I had to explain my ailment to 3 different people before they let me talk to the nurse. Reiterating my butt issues to strangers was the last thing I wanted to do.

The nurse suggested I go buy some enemas, suppositories or mineral oil. However this would require me actually going to the store. I went through a mental list of people I could call for emergency butt supplies. I was such a mess I decided no one should witness me in this condition. I was going to venture to Rite Aid alone.

In my pajamas, I put on a hoodie, sunglasses and Nikes. I walked carefully to the car. I arrived at Rite Aid and wondered around for butt supplies. I was walking like I was holding a quarter between my butt cheeks. This took so much concentration I began to sweat.

I asked the pharmacist where I could find stuff to get 5 days worth of poop out of my body, she pointed to isle 3. She did not appreciate my wit when I asked her if Rite Aid sold pick-axes.

I bought every butt supply available. Enemas, suppositories, mineral oil, Metamucil, laxative, stool softener. Anything that had to do with butts I was going to buy. I wanted a full arsenal of weapons to use on my buttocks.

I got home and suspiciously eyed my purchases. I needed something that would work fast. The enemas promised to work in 5-15 minutes, but I was skeptical about putting that much liquid in my bum. It looked like the suppositories were going to be the best option.

Now, I was terrified of putting something in my butt. I didn't grow up in that kind of household. But, I was also terrified of my entire body filling up with dookie and eventually choking on it.

Shaking my head in shame I inserted it. I don't know what was worse: the fact that I put something in my butt on purpose or the fact that it wasn't that bad. I struggled to wait 15 minutes like the package suggested. I waddled to the toilet and recited positive affirmations. "Soft serve ice cream, dump trucks, etc."

Finally, deliverance. Embarrassing deliverance.

P.S. If anyone needs constipation relief, my arsenal is full.

Maple Pee

2010-10-08T10:00:00.000-07:00

A couple days ago I woke up to my bathroom and bedroom smelling like maple syrup and pee. The only logical conclusion was that I was peeing maple syrup at night.

I remembered that I once heard someone saying if you smell like maple syrup then you might have diabetes. After 2 hours of intense WebMD research I figured I probably didn't have diabetes. Good thing because I do not want to spend my Sephora budget on insulin.

Then..... the next morning I smelt it again! I am obsessed with the way things smell and do not want my house smelling like a diabetic urinater lives there. I had to get to the bottom of this.

I asked Jared if he could smell it. He mentioned that he just thought I was on an eggo waffle binge again.

But then....he remembered that the girl who rents our basement apartment burns candles 24 hours a day. We called her and asked her if we could go turn her candle off. Jared went around to her door and blew out her pear-maple-pee-spice candle.

Then my house smelled normal again. amen.

Porn for Dinner

2010-10-04T09:34:00.000-07:00

Jared and I took a romantic trip for two.

Cruises are a great vacation for many reasons, but the never-ending parade of buffet food is one of the best. At night you get a little dressed up and go to the dining room for amazing dinners.

Food is included in the cost of the cruise. Unashamed, Jared usually orders 2-3 appetizers and 2-3 entrees. I have better self-control and only order 1-2 of each thing.

We are determined not to let social etiquette get in our way of eating like rabid dogs. When other cruise donkeys give us stink eyes for beating the system, we let our mouths foam up a little and growl at them. It works out rather nicely.

Jared likes to try the "exotic" options on the nights menu. This is what the waiter brought him:

A vagina?

I thought "exotic" referred to something like escargot or munudo, not crotch.

What if there were kids at the table??? How was I to be sure that is had been cooked properly and all the STD's were killed??? Was I obligated to contact PETA??? What is that suspicious looking red sauce???

Turns out they were frog legs..... boring. amen.

Titty Twisters

2010-09-21T18:39:00.000-07:00

The Boys and Girls Club after school program is not a free for all daycare center. The kids actually have planned activities and supplemental instruction every day.

Each week the different grades are assigned different "enrichment activities". The first graders are doing a program called Peacebuilders.
We were discussing the importance of peace and how our actions can increase or decrease it.
A sample discussion from Monday:

Me: What are things we do that decrease the peace?

Kid 1: pushing other people.

Me: Yes, what else?

Kid 2: not sharing

Kid 3: hitting other people

Awesome Kid: giving girls titty twisters

Me: Wait..... what?

Awesome Kid: titty twisters?

Awesome kid had a serious look on his face. He was not joking around. I looked over at my aide as we both started laughing. I was so proud that 6 year old kids were catching onto to the idea. With tears in my eyes I replied:

Me: Yeah, titty twisters definitely decrease the peace.

Then I made them color because I couldn't stop giggling.

The Sound Machine

2010-09-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

This is one of the best things ever.

The Marpac Sound Conditioner SleepMate 580A Sound Machine.

It provides white noise while you sleep and it is awesome. All the annoying things that wake you up are masked by the sound.

Jared's sporadic snoring
Jared waking up at 5:15 am every day
Chirping Birds
etc.

It is a little bit like crack. I am so addicted to this thing. I take it with me on every trip. I feel so alone and scared without it.

I expect to find this especially useful once I have kids. amen.

Employment is Overrated

2010-09-16T10:43:00.000-07:00

I chose the Boys and Girls Club.
Big Surprise.

I cant get enough of Jared so I obviously chose the schedule that would accommodate the most make-out sessions.
AND I get to wear awful staff t-shirts to work everyday! I can still wear jeans and flip flops..... a fair exchange.

After work I have to come home and disinfect myself because there is kid all over me. ew. Kids are gross.

I have a even more respect for elementary teachers now.

(I don't know who's kid this is, but she's nasty)

But overall, a pretty awesome job.

Decisions with an 8-ball

2010-09-12T08:55:00.001-07:00

After halfheartedly searching for a job the last few weeks, some offers finally came in. I had a very strict list of requirements that had to be met before I resigned from being a stay-at-home wife.

I must be able to wear my normal clothes......I hate uniforms
My supervisor must not be a power tripping 20-something year old
I have to be able to use the job as a "paid internship" for my last class this semester, there is now way I'm volunteering when I can get paid
Schedules must be flexible
The work itself must help the community so I can earn karma points (while getting paid)

I was offered a job at Casa Pacifica as a youth behavioral therapist (fancy title!) It is a group home for severely abused and neglected kids. As the Mecca for Social Work graduates, it is notoriously hard to get hired. Most of these kids have huge issues. In the interview the dude asked me if I minded getting punched or kicked in the face.... I replied that that was one of my favorite past times.

The next day I was offered the job. I'm sure that the guy could tell that I could totally take a kick in the face from a 14 year old. I was stoked about this job and couldn't wait to brag to my class that I would be getting paid for my internship.

A few days later The Boys and Girls Club called me. I interviewed with them about a month ago and hadn't heard anything back. They offered me a job as an after school program coordinator.

Now I'm in a bind. Which one should I accept?

Casa Pacifica

Awesome

Sucks

7 min from home

By the beach

Help kids

Cool Supervisor

Fancy title

Good experience

Can use for Intership

Benefits

24-hour fitness gym pass

Get kicked in face

Crazy hours – have to work until 10pm every night

Will only see Jared on Sunday and Monday night

Have to witness effects of child abuse without hunting the perpetrator down and breaking their kneecaps.

Boys and Girls Club

Awesome

Sucks

Help Kids

Will learn more Spanish

Better pay

Can use for internship

Plan all activities

Use lessons plans to teach kids that drugs and gang banging are bad, mmmmkay.

No kicks to the face

Awesome hours

Can see Jared every night

Supervisor looks like Telemundo Soap Opera Star

25 min from home

Doesn’t look as good on Resume

Have to wear a club t-shirt

I bet this guy has some good advice.

E is for Emily

2010-08-31T01:10:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Urban Dictionary, All you ever need to know about an Emily is right here.

C is for Citation

2010-08-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

I had to take a class this summer (and one this fall) to completely finish my degree. I thought I was too smart for the CSUN parking patrol officers and decided not to pay for the $180 summer parking pass.

I only had class twice a week so I figured that the probability of getting a ticket was slim to none.
Plus I like to beat the system. (Especially after paying $2300 for a 5 credit class).

Regardless of my calculated parking, on the last day of class I found a pink slip on my windshield. After mumbling a few choice words directed at the parking officers, I was somewhat relieved to find that my citation was only $45.

I was angry but as I sat at my desk to write the check out, I rationalized that I received an entire semester of parking for $45. That is a $135 savings.

Take that CSUN.

Instead of writing obscenities on the envelope I did this instead:

I win again. amen.

P.S. Feel free to send any hate mail to the above address.

A is for Average

2010-08-18T12:47:00.000-07:00

My job search has not been going very well. So instead of playing tennis, hiking and visiting my friends newborn babies, I am going to actually send in some resumes to some places.

Looking at my resume is somewhat depressing as it is completely and utterly AVERAGE.

It basically looks like this:

School: Cal State - Typical school - Average degree
GPA: Above average - (But I did go to a state university)
Work Experience - Lame college jobs at ordinary retail locations
Volunteer experience - Ample but average

I also will include a a cover letter, as I am obviously a professional.

To Potential Employer,

I have little experience in the Social Work field but I do have a degree if that means anything to you. I would love a job where I get paid a lot, not only with money but also with emotional reward, so I feel like I am doing something worthwhile in the world (If anyone needs karmic retribution, I do). And I would like to wear whatever I want everyday. I prefer jeans and flip flops.
I don't like to wake up before 8am and want to spend Saturdays with my husband, not at work.

I look forward to hearing from you,
emily

Pretty professional. I know. I should have a real job in no time.

Not Private!

2010-08-06T13:19:00.000-07:00

Dear 4 people reading this,

I am sorry I had to go private for a few days.

I am looking for a real job and did not want potential employers to Google my name and find this fiasco.

To be clear, I am not trying to hide anything, I would just prefer the employer to have an unbiased opinion of me.

The fact that I accidentally shaved off my own eyebrow is not something I want an interviewer to ask me about. It is embarrassing.

I also do not want them to know in advance how witty and charming I am. I want them to be able to find out on their own.
My wit is more refreshing when unexpected.

So, for the next few weeks/months/years until I find a real job I may go private from time to time. But rest assured that I would never go private with out inviting you, the 4 people that read this.
I crave attention way too much.
ah-men.

Meet Sara

2010-07-28T14:02:00.000-07:00

She is my bratty little sister.
She's 10 years younger than me.
Her sarcastic/witty attitude is coming along quite nicely.
She is going through puberty as we speak.

She is starting to look like me too. It kinda creeps me out.

Bratty Sister:
At least I am the pretty one...............

But I'm sure that her 50-year-old face will be much better than my 60-year-old face. At least until I load up on Botox and Juvederm.

Last time I visited Utah we had a Throw-Down.
Sara thought she could wrestle me. But my old woman strength and pure mean-ness pinned her down in 5 seconds. Booyah!

Another Throw-Down is scheduled for Thanksgiving.

My Hair

2010-07-26T18:55:00.000-07:00

Thanks to prenatal vitamins I've been taking for a few years my hair is the longest it's been for a long time. After a disastrous haircut that looked like a mullet with thin wispy strands coming out everywhere, I vowed never to cut my hair short again. And when I do get my hair cut I specify that I don't want a hipster-emo mullet.

The only problem is that I find my hair everywhere.

in the dryer's lint catcher
on my pillow
stuck in my broom
on Jared's shirt
my bathroom floor and counters
weaved in my toothbrush
one time in the Chinese food I made
in Jared's face when were making out
hiding in the nooks in my car

and the worst is when I find it after it gathers into:

my butt-crack in the shower

Then I have to dig it out and stick it to the shower wall. Bleh.

But even worser than the worst is after our someone stays at our house and I find their private hairs in the shower and/or the toilet seat.

The men is Jared's family are especially hairy, except for Jared because he is perfect (and shaves). So when Jared's bro, Baby Brian, stayed with us a few weeks ago I had to keep an eye out for runaway pubes.Furry toilet after Baby Brian was done punishing it. :(

Thanks for spending time reading about such important issues. amen.

Exercise Ball

2010-07-22T14:09:00.000-07:00

The best $16.99 I have spent in the last 6 months was on my exercise ball.
I spend a lot of time staring at computer screens and textbooks pretending to do homework, so what is better than getting a little workout while I'm doing it?

Now I use it all the time, as this picture by Jared illustrates:

amen.

The Barranca

2010-07-13T20:48:00.000-07:00

Jared called the ravine across the street a "barranca." I told him that he can't just go around making up words.
To my surprise I found that barranca is actually legit

Courtesy of Merriam-Webster:

Barranca
plural - Barrancos
1 : a deep gully or arroyo with steep sides
2 : a steep bank or bluff

Now I use the word all the time because it sounds cool.
barranca.
barranca.
barranca.

Sadly, yesterday the barranca caught fire.

The entire mountainside is now ashes.

I just know it was some stupid teenager trying to rebel by smoking pot in the back country of wholesome Camarillo, California. There are always these tweens parking in front of our house then hiking up the barranca to play"I'll show you mine if you show me yours". gross.

On second thought, it could have been one of the various homeless people that camp up there from time to time.

How to be White Trash

2010-07-09T11:27:00.000-07:00

Now that I am a certified Sociologist (thanks CSUN!!!) I can comment on societies problems with slightly more authority than before.

Today's Topic: White Trash

Pulling up to a beautiful secluded cove in Powell only to see it littered with garbage was a testament to how many white trash people run amok on our planet. My earth-loving sister in law trolled around camp gathering all the junk other people had littered.
Dirty diapers, used toilet paper, plastic bottles, beer cans and golf tees were among the treasures she found.

I am an equal opportunity hater so when I refer to "white trash" it pertains more to behavior than "whiteness." All races may be labeled white trash so long as they exhibit some or all of the following behaviors:

Littering pristine campsites with no regard for nature, beauty or other campers
Drinking Keystone light, especially if you stack it all in a pyramid on your boat at the marina then take a million pictures of it
Wearing anything with a beer logo
You name your kid after a car, band or favorite alcohol
White shirt, no bra
More hair on your body than on your head
Are this guy
Drive a car that is nicer than your trailer-home.... so people think you are cool when your hittin up the clubs dawg!
Spend your food stamps on People Magazine
Use the motorized shopping scooters at Albertsons just because you are lazy
Put your kids on a leash (I am totally going to do this by the way, I already have a leash and choke chain)
Face tattoos
Purchasing your underwear from 25 cent machines. I found these at a roadside cafe while in Rome, Italy. I assume supplying emergency underwear is a lucrative business in places where wine flows like water.

I have witnessed a majority of this madness in the past 2 weeks alone. Obviously this is not a conclusive list, as many other behaviors are considered W.T.
Feel free to contribute to the list. amen.

My Chacos

2010-07-05T11:29:00.000-07:00

The last week of my life was spent ditching school, work and other important responsibilities to explore Lake Powell. Though I am not sure if I am still employed, you would ditch out too if you could chill here:

What is awesome about this picture (besides that I am in it)???

How about the fact that I am strolling up a steep slippery rock with the grace of a ninja?

Behold..................Chacos.
The best shoes ever made. ever.

I can do whatever I want when I am wearing these. I run up whatever rocks I want to summit. They grip onto everything and will never fall off. You can imagine how awesome my tan lines are. Nothing is as classy as a girl who hasn't showered for a week wearing a pair of these.

I have had them for five years and they are still way better than your sandals. I promise your life would be way better if you bought some.

They are the only shoes I pack when I go to Lake Powell. I am funnier, prettier, and more charming when I wear them. Just ask Jared's family.

I even wear them when I sleep just in case I have to pee in the middle of the night. There is no way I'm popping a squat with out the peace and comfort my Chacos give me.

Let's not forget how useful they are if you want to scoop out dead carp before you go swimming.
More amazing Lake Powell stories to follow. amen.

No One Likes Knee Shorts

2010-06-24T19:31:00.000-07:00

Today I was walking down a long sidewalk at Cal State University. As I passed by a 20-something black dude, he called me an "Ugly White B*tch".......... seriously.
I assume my knee length shorts really offended him.

Now I have been called the B-word plenty of times in my day, but never unprovoked. And though my knee length shorts are pretty ugly, they do not warrant that kind of language. Usually this would have caused me to bust out my most refreshingly witty insults, but as he was a big black dude and I am just an ugly white girl, I just agreed and kept walking.

I hate knee shorts just as much as the next black guy. But I hate people looking at my upper thighs even more. I especially hate when you sit down and your fat squeezes out to the sides and you know in your heart that everyone in the room is thinking about how fat your thighs look.
They are also an essential part of my Mormon girl wardrobe.

So whatever, angry black guy, I will wear knee shorts whenever I feel like it.

Touchdown Jesus

2010-06-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

This majestic southwestern Ohio landmark was destroyed recently. Touchdown Jesus will no longer be greeting angry people driving along Interstate 75.
Having driven past it 3 times a week during my stay in Dayton, I am slightly disturbed by this information.

I'm pretty sure this was how it happened:

1. Behold approximately $300,000 was given to be spent upon a 64 stone tall likeness of Jesus. And a massive cross was laid beside to give the likeness an added contemporary flair.
2. And they named it Touchdown Jesus.
3. And the drivers were happy as they dwelt in their cars along Interstate 75, momentarily forgiving other drivers abominations as they looked upon Touchdown Jesus.
4. And it came to pass that God wasn't a huge fan of the monument and thought the Solid Rock Church was full of iniquity. Therefore a terrorist attack from heaven was planned. Lightning was sent from the heavens causing the statue to be engulfed in the fiery flames of wrath.
5. And there was great mourning among the Ohioan people. And there was weeping and wailing and sad posts on the peoples blogs.
6. And the church no longer spent their gold and other fine things on useless weird statues. And the Ohioan people were scared to sin. amen.

Open Letter of Apology

2010-06-10T14:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Person(s) I have Mooned,

I know images of my white bum have littered many of your minds. Now I am older and more aware of the shattered dreams caused by my constant adolescent mooning.

To my entire childhood ward and neighborhood, I am sorry that I felt mooning was the funniest thing ever, even though it kind of is.
Every so often I am reminded by an old friend of my offensive behavior. I now realize that every emotion does not warrant a moon. I also understand that giant magnifying glasses are not an open invitation for mooning.

This girl, who goes by Larry or Jewel, was a major influence in my mooning career. Being the outcasts of the Copper Hills High soccer team, we felt that exposing our cheeks was the only was to gain the respect we deserved. Multiple double dares and her willingness to participate only fueled the madness. While driving to different schools to play soccer, the team would reserve the back seats for Larry/Jewel and myself. Her and I mooning out the back windows really got the team pumped up. I will not even mention the shenanigans of soccer camp. (But I will post of picture....naturally.)

Either way, I now know the error of my ways. I quit mooning cold turkey and have not mooned anyone for months.
I hope all of you that had to endure my calls for attention will forgive me.

That is all, emily

P.S. Melinda, sorry for mooning you at the bus stop that one time. amen.

Pizza Face

2010-06-08T11:03:00.000-07:00

My face and I have been running into some serious issues in our relationship.

Having never broken out as a teenager, my skin now insists on producing zits with a vengeance. Normally birth control and topical creams keep my wrathful acne under control, but for some reason I cannot seem to get knocked up when taking the meds. Believe me. I've tried. A LOT.
I don't know what I did to make my face so angry at me. It could be those long nights I slept in my makeup, not consistently wearing SPF 15 or higher, or maybe it was those violent biore pore strips that rip the skin off along with the blackheads. I don't know. I just wish my face would make peace with me.

My most recent attempts includes a laser and a 4 foot tall Dermatologist Assistant. I don't know if this will wrestle my face into submission, but I am willing to give it an aggressive try.
My last treatment was yesterday before class which was a really great idea on my part. Stumbling into class 10 minutes late with a bright red face is not really what I want to be known for. (I would much rather be known for my refreshingly witty comments mid-lecture and my expertise in all things deviant......)

Though I love dealing with acne and the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles at the same time, I would really love it if my face didn't resemble a pepperoni pizza 1 week a month.

I will admit that I do love it when Jared adoringly calls me "pizza face".......but please pray that my face will stop being so inconsiderate. amen.

Bacon

2010-06-07T05:33:00.000-07:00

Is delicious. It is also on sale at Albertson's right now. 2 for $6.

I never buy it because I want to eat it all by myself, but how am I supposed to refuse a 2 for $6 deal?

It is in the freezer right now taunting me at 5:45 am.
If you wake up 2-3 hours early thinking about bacon, something is probably wrong with you..... That only bacon can cure.

Why I like it:

Its the best thing ever

amen.

How To Earn a 4-year Degree in 7 Years

2010-06-01T21:39:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, May 19, I participated in my fake graduation ceremony.
Fake because all they handed me was a blank sheet of paper inside a red leather folder.
Also fake because I still have 3 summer classes before I actually earn the degree.

Though a lie, my graduation was monumental nonetheless.

As I waltzed across the stage alongside the other 1200 graduates, I felt in my heart that I was about to change the world for the better. Nothing like a state university's mass graduation can fill your soul with determination and resolve take on human poverty and global warming. Listening to the same two announcers read names for over 3 hours will do that to you.

When you earn a degree in Sociology you just know you will be successful and make a huge impact on the world.

Graduating in 4 years is for wussies.

Have you ever wondered how you can push your graduation date back a few years?

Follow these steps to extend your 4 years at college into a more substantial chunk of time:

1. From a young age, tell your parents that you hate college and there is no way you are going. Do absolutely nothing to ensure your place at a reputable university. This will show your parents that your teenage angst is serious and not even messing around. When you realize that Assistant Manager at a mall is not you goal in life you hurry and to apply the the crappiest college you can think of.

2. Transfer to a bunch of different schools. Not only will you lose a ton of credits, you will lose money, time, and patience. I only transferred to 5 different schools, but with more ambition I am sure you could at least enroll at 9 adding 3-4 years onto your career as a professional student.

3. Move into your father-in-laws basement and quit school for a few semesters so you can travel to awesome places.

4. Transfer again.

5. Take a ton a of cool classes that have nothing to do with your major like, History of Rock and Roll, Beginning Pottery, Costume Design, Intro to Bee-keeping and Ballroom Dancing.

6. Fail math class 3 different times at 3 different schools.

7. Don't choose your major until you are a senior.

Follow this action plan and you too can be the proud owner of a $30,000 piece of paper.

Monkey Forrest

2010-05-20T18:02:00.000-07:00

Five years ago Jared and I were heading out on our 2 week honeymoon. Jared refused to tell me where we were going and only told me to pack a lot a swim suits and hiking boots.

After a 14 hour flight on our layover in Taipei, Taiwan Jared finally told me where he was kidnapping me. 6 more hours on a small plane and we would be in Bali, Indonesia. Awesome.

Memorable times included

Five dollar - hour long massages.

Scuba Diving a shipwreck.

FOOD, some of the best food ever and all extremely cheap.

$18 a night bungalows right on the beach.

Doing it.

Almost getting ripped off by a gang of small Indonesian men.

Teenage boys thinking I was some famous person while freaking out and making Jared take pictures of them with me.

Outdoor Showers.

Coincidentally meeting some family friends and having dinner at their traditional Balinese compound.

Being with my new husband for 24 hours a day in paradise.

But one of the best memories....
The Monkey Forrest.
Crazy monkeys everywhere who stole stuff out of peoples purses. The only way the tourists could get their stuff back was by trading bananas with the monkeys. For real.

5 Years of Awesome

2010-05-18T11:41:00.000-07:00

This Friday, May 21, Jared and I will have been married for five. Entire. Years.

Jared began humbly as "Lunch-break." The many boys in my phone were not known by their names, they were known simply by their place in my life or nicknames that my friends had given them.
Common examples include:
"Dermy"
"White Trash-eriffic"
"Rapey Jake"
"Short but Hot"
and "Too Tan"

Jared was dubbed "Lunch-break" as his apartment was down the street from my work. On days when I wasn't hungry for food I would drive over to Jared's. A quick make-out session later and I was ready for the rest of the day, hence "Lunch-break."

The only problem with this system was my family and friends constantly slipped and referred to my dates as their nicknames........ To their face.

I knew things were getting serious when I changed his name to "Jared" in my phone.

After asking me to marry him on New Years Eve, I canceled my date with "Rapey Jake" figuring that my new fiance might not approve of me hanging out with someone who has "Rapey" in their nickname.

We got married.
And we lived happily ever after.

Shrek Crotch

2010-05-13T17:09:00.000-07:00

I had a great idea this morning as I was running around late for work.

I could add spinach to my chocolate-banana protein shake! Breakfast with the added benefits of all the nutrients spinach provides! Seemingly genius. Plus my over sized carton of Costco spinach was going to start rotting any day.
I grabbed a handful of wilted spinach and threw it in the blender. I jumped into my work clothes just in time to witness my shake morph into Shrek colored diarrhea.

Still in a hurry I grabbed my lip gloss, candy and car keys. With the brownish green puke-shake in my hand I locked the door.... only to turn around and spill all over my pants and all over my porch.
So today I got to chill out at Joes Jeans with green rot all over my crotch. amen.

My Mom is Better Than Your Mom

2010-05-09T08:55:00.000-07:00

My mom, Erlynn, is better than your mom.

She taught me how to clean the house like a maniac.

She told me I was pretty even when I was ugly.

She writes nice notes to me.

She has never been mean to me even after I wrestled her on the ground in the middle of the airport.

She gave me all of her scrap-booking stuff after she realized scrap-booking kind of sucks.

She laughs at my questionable, inappropriate and often times tasteless jokes such as this:

Sugar on Top

2010-05-06T19:42:00.000-07:00

So I have a new church job and am no longer in the Nursery. Fine, but if I don't get to chill out with 2-3 year olds, I'm taking Butt Doll with me.... And dont think I'm not going to sneak pretzels and goldfish crackers into the adult class.

My new job is Secretary in the Young Women s organization. This group consists of 12-18 year old teenagers who continually behave more mature than I do. I basically hang out with them at church on Sunday and Tuesday nights. I also have to do secretary stuff like nodding and smiling at the same time.
Last night a couple of girls came to my house and dropped this off:

Chocolate covered marshmallows with sprinkles.

Thats right. Sugar covered sugar with sugar on top. In a bucket.

...............The 3 year olds never gave me candy.

This Young Woman's thing just might work out.

Dragon Breath

2010-05-05T15:52:00.001-07:00

My bi-annual teeth cleaning began with a bag of Doritos.

I worked that morning and the strenuous denim sales at Joe's Jeans worked up my appetite. I ate my string cheese, apple, and 4 bags of those cursed 100 calorie cookies.
But the vending machines continued to beckon. I ate a whole bag of spicy Doritos in 30 seconds flat. While breathing my dragon breath all over my work I remembered I had a dentist appointment.

I was exceptionally nice to my hygienist only because I hoped she would slip me some laughing gas. I asked her to hook it up but she giggled and thought I was kidding. I was serious. Dead serious. Laughing gas is awesome and I don't joke about it. But because she had a scrunchies in her hair and scrubs with cartoons on them I let it slide.

The whole time I self-consciously focused on breathing out of my nose, hoping the chick would not get a whiff of my partly digested Doritos air. Getting your mouth cleaned by strangers is uncomfortable enough, and having offensive odor emanate from your orifice only exacerbates the ordeal. Oh yeah, by the way hygienist, quit asking me questions while your hands are in my mouth.

Good news soon followed.
No cavities!
With the amount of candy I eat a "no cavity" appointment is considered a huge win. Next time I will remember to only eat mint leaves and Altoids. On second thought, I'll just brush my teeth.

I will also ask for a hygienist that fully appreciates the properties of Nitrous oxide.

Insta-Shower

2010-05-03T06:13:00.000-07:00

This stuff is genius. Sephora has once again introduced me to something that improves my quality of life so much, I had to buy 3.

CLEAN perfume. Shower Fresh, Fresh Laundry and Outdoor Shower Fresh.

But let's be honest.

I use this perfume in lieu of a real shower on a more frequent base than I like to admit. Especially given that I have an 8am class this semester.

Today I will wear Laundry Fresh.

Your welcome, girl that sits in the desk next to me.