How Gangsters Drink Hot Chocolate

 Did you even know these existed??? 

You know those hot chocolate packets that come with little freeze-fried marshmallows in them?
Well now you can buy a jar of the those exact marshmallows!!!!!!!!

I just discovered them a week ago and I am in heaven. 

As a child, I used to spend hours opening up all the individual packets of hot chocolate and stealing all the marshmallows out.

One of the best things about being an adult is that you can buy candy whenever you want. And because of this, all my hot chocolate always ends up looking like this:

I dont even share with Cryin Ryan.
And I don't even care that there is literally an inch of mallow bits in my mug.

I bet this is how gangsters drink their hot chocolate..... (minus the Victoria's Secret PINK mug.)

I totally feel like Tookie Williams right now. amen.

Black Friday

Apparently the best way to spend Black Friday is by coloring yourself black.

 I knew I should of locked him in his cage before I got in the shower this morning.
Why didn't anyone tell me the "Terrible Twos" actually start at 1 1/2?

Thanksgiving Conversation Starters 2012

Here are a few of my Thanksgiving Conversation Starters to spice up your Thanksgiving Dinner. Enjoy!

Do you know what a brown starfish is? Elaborate.
Have others at the table speculate about what sideshow act you would be at the circus.
What was the worst part of puberty?
How often do you think the person sitting on your right takes a shower?
Do you know what a Dirty Sanchez is? Elaborate.
What would your Super Hero name be? What would be your Super Power?
Discuss how much you adore the person sitting on the left of you and all the character flaws of the person sitting on your right.
If you had to change someones pants in the room, who would it be? (This question is especially relevant considering there is more than one person with incontinence problems.)
Who, sitting at this table, is most likely to get arrested? For what?
If you had to fight someone in this room, who would it be? Why? Who would win?
Do you know what giblets are? Elaborate. 
If you were a fugitive and couldn't live in the United States, what country would you live in and what would you do for a living?
What sea creature does the person on your left smell like?

 

Disclaimer: 
Dear Person Reading This takes no responsibility for arguments and family rifts that may result by asking the above questions. Use at your own risk.

C is for Confidence

How cool would it be if we all felt like this:

It's really weird because I say the exact same thing every morning. 

Not really. 

It sometimes seems that children are more able to love themselves than we miserable adults are. 
I run a little program at the Boys and Girls Club called Smartgirls. We focus on self-esteem and making smart choices.

One of the staff had the girls  make banners about themselves and they turned out better than I thought they would. (Especially since this is the same group of girls that had this discussion.)

This girl was 10 years old:

I am a proud girl. I will

never ever give up even though

people make fun of me. I believe 

in myself. I've been bullied but I DONT

CARE. I am a believer. 

I will stand up for myself and NEVER

EVER GIVE UP!

P.S. I dont like my hair.

Just another example of why I think kids represent everything that is good and beautiful in this world.

Now if only this girl could carry this confidence through her teenage years.....

 
While the girls were writing their inspirational convictions, the boys were wandering the halls causing trouble. Typical.

Today, I think I will meditate on how awesome I am. amen. 

Sand in your Buns

Here is another idea for a sexy date night with yourself or with a man. 

Sand in your Buns

I am lucky enough to live 15 minutes from the beach. If you don't, maybe you could go to a dirt field or something.

This date is pretty simple.

1. Go to Subway. 

 

2. Get a crappy but well-priced sandwich.

3. Go to beach.

4. Lay out a picnic blanket.

5. Eat  sandwich.

6. Make Out. 

7. Try not to get sand in your buns.... or crabs. 

Poo-Water at the Aquarium

My favorite Mom and Dad came into town last week. I love their guts..... I even love the bacteria in their guts. 

They love Pee-Baby almost as much as I do. They spoil him rotten. He is a little brat for a few days after they leave, but that is what grandparents are supposed to do.  

When they left for the airport, Ryan was sad and kept trying to climb in their rental car. 

One of the days we went to the Long Beach Aquarium. 

Pee-Ryan loved it. He was memorized by the fish. 

He kept trying to climb into the tanks with them. 

 Pee-Baby loves water and being wet, which is probably why he always peed on himself as a newborn. 

The aquarium has a little splash park. Ryan spent over an hour there. 

All the other babies there were scared of the spraying water. I gave Ryan some props for being hardcore and soaking himself in the dirty feces-filled aquarium water.

My mom only encouraged his misbehavior.

He smelt like aquarium poo-water for the rest of the day. 

I finally had to drag him away. His clothes were sopping wet. 

My mom bought him a cute little shark shirt from the gift shop.

I instantly became the white trash mom who lets their kid run around without pants on.

Ryan mooned everyone the rest of the day. I was so jealous. amen. 

Faith in Mankind Restored (a little bit)

I have been a literal psycho ever since this happened.
I am so paranoid that I keep firearms ready and accessible in most every room in the house (in child proof safes of course).

Whenever I see a man between the ages of 18 and 74, I assume he is a pedophile, rapist and/or a murderer.(Or a healthy mixture of all three.)
At the "Do it Yourself" Car wash a few days ago, I locked my keys and Pee-Baby in the hot car.

Way to go Mom-of the-Year.

Earlier while I was going to get change, I passed a few of the other self-serve stalls and judged all the creepy dirty men in them to be sex offenders. 
I usually look at every dude I see and then speculate the crimes they probably committed.

For Example, I passed each stall and thought:

                   Short, stumpy and bald guy with yellow teeth - public lewdness, forced rape

                   Tall skinny dude dressed in mechanics outfit - domestic assault and rape

                   White flowing hair and weathered face - possestion of child porn and rape

Pretty much anyone with a peen is guilty of rape in my book. 
 After judging everyone, I returned to my car and to see the keys sitting on the driver's seat and Cryin' Ryan locked inside.  

Lucky for me, my phone was right next to my keys.
It was hot outside and Ryan was crying and looking at me with sad/cute eyes. 

Having no other choice I had to ask one of the rapists if I could use his cell phone. I asked the short stumpy guy. He let me use it immediatly. 

I called Jared, he was 25-35 min away.

I was about to cry because it was so hot outside and cars heat up fast. Before I knew it, Short and Stumpy guy had recruited Tall Skinny Dude and White Flowing Hair to try to help me. 

One of them had a slim jim and tried to get the door unlocked. 
Honda CR-V's are notoriously hard to break into and nothing was working. 

Within a few minutes a van barreled into the car wash right in front of me. Another rapey dude jumped out. His van said AAA. White Flowing Hair had called his friend who worked for Automotive Club of America.

He ran over to my car and fished the keys out within 3 min. 

I was so touched and grateful that 4 strangers had put their lives on hold and rushed to my assistance. I am pretty sure they all had quarters in the car wash machine and were losing valuable wash time.

Within 10 minutes of me locking Ryan in the car, I was able to get him out. 

Maybe I should stop judging everyone in my head so much. 
Lesson learned.



P.S. It would be a lot easier if convicted sex offenders had to get the words "SEX OFFENDER" tattooed on their foreheads, right? I will be writing a letter to my state senator about this.

Pee Baby's Girlfriend

 OH. MY. GOSH. How cute is this little girl?

Her name is as cute as she is.... Finley. She is the cutest baby girl I know. 

Pee-Baby totally has a crush on her. He likes older women (Finley is 1 month older).

We went trick-or-treating with them on Halloween.

Finley learned pretty quick that if she held out her hand a lot, each house would give her more candy. She is already using her looks to get ahead in life. Good for her.

 Her mom, Kelly, is really hot and so is her Grandma so I'm sure that's where she learned it.

 Jared has a penchant for wearing costumes that show off his balls.

If Kelly looks like she was grabbing my butt, it's because she probably was.

 Finley said "Cheese" for this picture while Cryin' Ryan is easily distracted. 

Plus the only word Ryan knows is "dog". He better step up his game if he wants to be Finley's boyfriend.