Anatomy of a Douche

Remember my outcast sister Megan Barlocker Swenson a.k.a. Fegan? The one who everyone in my family dislikes?

Allow me to refresh your memory. She is the one who:

  • Picks up kittens in her mouth
  • Has tried to breastfeed kittens
  • Is 23 and married and still asks my dad for gas money
  • Got fired from her non-profit job for stealing money
  • Is always fighting with at least one of our seven siblings
  • Kicked my super nice brother in the balls in front of everyone… on thanksgiving
  • Thinks she had the worst childhood ever because her siblings sometimes hurt her feel-bads
  • Is a mouth-breather
  • Smells like b.o. and patchouli
  • Only cleans her house once a year
  • Does not believe in tampons or maxi-pads, she prefers to use car seats
  • Has no friends and has gotten kicked out by roommates multiple times
  • Dropped out of homeschool for two years because it was too hard

I wish I was making this stuff up. 

Yesterday, her below average IQ prompted her to:

1. Call my baby a douche bag.... twice
2. In a public forum, on my awesome friends photography page

 Not even psychiatric patients are stupid enough to call someone's baby a douche.

Oh, two weeks ago I told her she looked beautiful on her blog............ Way to return the favor.

So to clarify what a douche bag actually looks like, I present the following:

Dyes hair monkey poo brown

Unnaturally large forehead speckled with moles

Abnormally large horse teeth that are yellow from sneaking cigarettes at work

Hooker red lipstick


Chest hair


Wannabe hipster clothes

Belly button that looks like a an extra thumb

Ever-present camel toe

Pleather boots that cost $200

Once again, I wish I was making this stuff up.

Don't mess with my awesome baby :)


  1. OMG! Is she really your sister? Is she really like this?!!!

    And I thought I was the black sheep of my family because I sucked my thumb until I was 12.


  2. Did you get baby photos taken of pee/rat baby? Please share! I want to see his cute face.


Speak with your heart or your private parts, either one is fine with me.