4.17.2013

Anatomy of a Douche


Remember my outcast sister Megan Barlocker Swenson a.k.a. Fegan? The one who everyone in my family dislikes?

Allow me to refresh your memory. She is the one who:


  • Picks up kittens in her mouth
  • Has tried to breastfeed kittens
  • Is 23 and married and still asks my dad for gas money
  • Got fired from her non-profit job for stealing money
  • Is always fighting with at least one of our seven siblings
  • Kicked my super nice brother in the balls in front of everyone… on thanksgiving
  • Thinks she had the worst childhood ever because her siblings sometimes hurt her feel-bads
  • Is a mouth-breather
  • Smells like b.o. and patchouli
  • Only cleans her house once a year
  • Does not believe in tampons or maxi-pads, she prefers to use car seats
  • Has no friends and has gotten kicked out by roommates multiple times
  • Dropped out of homeschool for two years because it was too hard

I wish I was making this stuff up. 


Yesterday, her below average IQ prompted her to:

1. Call my baby a douche bag.... twice
2. In a public forum, on my awesome friends photography page

 Not even psychiatric patients are stupid enough to call someone's baby a douche.

Oh, two weeks ago I told her she looked beautiful on her blog............ Way to return the favor.

So to clarify what a douche bag actually looks like, I present the following:







Dyes hair monkey poo brown

Unnaturally large forehead speckled with moles

Abnormally large horse teeth that are yellow from sneaking cigarettes at work

Hooker red lipstick

Herpes

Chest hair

Nub-tits

Wannabe hipster clothes

Belly button that looks like a an extra thumb

Ever-present camel toe

Pleather boots that cost $200












Once again, I wish I was making this stuff up.


Don't mess with my awesome baby :)


2 comments:

  1. OMG! Is she really your sister? Is she really like this?!!!

    And I thought I was the black sheep of my family because I sucked my thumb until I was 12.

    XO,
    Jane

    ReplyDelete
  2. Did you get baby photos taken of pee/rat baby? Please share! I want to see his cute face.

    ReplyDelete

Speak with your heart or your private parts, either one is fine with me.