My Kids Hate Me, And I'm Cool With It

I'm the type parent that feels like the more hate you cultivate (wait, did I just rhyme? I knew I should of been a white girl rapper......)

Continuing on,
I feel like the amount of hate my kids feel towards me is directly related to how good of a parent I am.

Exponential hate is the best kind of hate.

I'm not talking about severe amounts of hatred, I'm talking about HEALTHY amounts.
Just enough so that they resent you in their early 20's but they'll still visit you on Sundays.

Like, If my kids think it's cool to not eat the dinner I made for them, you can count on me to emotionally berate them and/or guilting them into eating it.

I'm not about to cook them food without the expectation they would eat that crap.
I HATE COOKING, but I DON'T HATE yelling at my unappreciative kids.

Or what if they think its cool to not pee before we leave the house?
Imma emotionally abuse them until they march into that bathroom right now and at least give it a try.

One time, T-Bag Tyler was yelling in the house and I took it up a few decibels to show him who was louder.

Nothing makes me want to make an appointment with planned parenthood more than when my kids yell in the freaking house.

That gets real old, REAL fast.

It's my job as a mediocre parent to teach them the ways of our cruel world and if that involves them hating me sometimes, I accept it.

I can't handle the parents who want their kids to love them 100% of the time. Where is the fun in that?
It's your responsibly and God given right to piss your kids off.

I LOATHED my parents a solid 89% of my formative years and look at me now. I turned into a semi-productive citizen who generally obeys the law. And I LOVE my parents now.

Discipline those little punks when they throw at fit in public, steal from your candy stash, or poop in a urinal at school.

Have some fun with it and get creative.
They'll still love you.... just not for a few hours.

Working Out Is The WOOORRRSSSSTTTTT

Things aren't going so well for me at the moment.

I turned 34 years old this year and let me tell you, things aren't where they used to be.
I'm not only talking about my metal health, I'm talking about my body parts.

I breastfed 3 kids and even though im barely a B cup, gravity is starting to wreak havoc on your homegirl.

We all know I'm wayyyyy too cheap to get a boob job, so things aren't going to be getting much better for me.

Do you know what you can buy instead of a tit-job???

…. Lots of things.

- Backpacking for a couple weeks in Thailand
- Laser hair removal for my pits and pubes
- A 5 year membership to Taco Bell


I think we all know how near and dear Taco Bell is to my heart. Their nacho cheese is theoretically closer to my heart than a gummy silicon boob-implant would be.

Their nacho cheese is orgasmic and since my husband is out of town sometimes, that's the only thing I can look forward to.

Since I actually don't care too much about my boobs, but let's discuss the rest of my body.

I've exercised in the past. 
I played soccer from the time I was 10 and throughout high school, and even played on indoor leagues until I was 20.
I did a paper route on my rollerblades every morning from 11 years old until I was almost 15.
I've been active, but hated every minute of it.

For real, I hate exercise.
If it were possible for my to indulge in my twice and week, nay, thrice a week love affair with taco bell without getting chubby, I would.

Like I said, I'm 34 and things are going swiftly downhill. 

I can't lick nacho cheese out of the little black cups like I used to.

So, I've been working out steadily lately, and listen.... Im NOT happy about it. 

It's EXHAUSTING. 

The only part I like about it, is when it's over. 

I will admit to one major benefit.

When Husband is out of town, a good late night workout really relieves stress and sexual frustration.

I'm in my sexual prime right now, so I need to keep things tight and right, so the fact that it also realeases any frustration is a beautiful thing. 

Another thing, I love muffins.
The tops are my fav.

I love them so much that I tricked my kids into thinking the bottom half of Costco muffins are the best part. Then I get the whole top piece to myself. #momoftheyear

What I don't love is when I have a muffin top everytime I put my jeans on.

Not only am I too cheap to get a boob job, I'm also too cheap to buy bigger jeans.

FML.

Looks like I have no choice but to keep working out or buy some rollerblades and deliver newspapers again.

Wiping Butts

Is it weird I still wipe my 4 year olds butt?

I insist on wiping all my kids butts until they pass a rigorous proficiency test that proves they are capable of thoroughly cleaning their own areas.


Poop is disgusting, I hate it.

No. Look me square in the computer monitor so I know your with me.

I. FREAKING. HATE. POOP.

I've written extensively about my professional hatred of sh*t.



I use 7-10 wipes every time I change Baby Kenley's diaper.

My Husband is ridiculously frugal and almost vomits every time he witnesses my wasteful wipee usage.

It's caused significant probs in our marriage. Worth it though.
I'm not about to use one wipe and let baby crap seep through onto my hands.

Back to wiping my 4 year olds butt though.....

I don't want him to do a sub-par job and then I have to scrub the residual skid marks out of his undies. GROSS.

When it comes to wiping your kid's butt, how old is too old?

A while ago, my friend Christie was APPALLED that I still wiped Cryin Ryan's butt. He was around 4 years old at the time.
She said she would literally kill herself if she was still wiping her kid's bum at that age.

That was the first time I looked inward and realized that I couldn't wipe his butt till he goes to college (although I am a fantastic mom so I totally would.)

I seriously googled "how to teach your kid to wipe his own ass".

One of the articles suggested demonstrating it.
Like, I'm supposed to pantomime wiping my own rear end in front of my children?
No thank you Mam', I have already messed up my kids enough.

And I really don't want my kids telling the neighbors how "mommy pulls down her pants and we saw her butthole."


I know butt-wiping is a skill everyone should master. And as a devoted mother, is it my job to teach them.
I just really don't want to scrub it out of their underwear though!!!...….

That's DIS-GUST-ING.

I'm not about to wash poop undies with the rest of our laundry. 
I gag when I think about poop undies, Tide detergent, my clothes, and fabric softener marinating together in a washing machine. 
*dry heaves.

I have thrown multiple pair of undies away because a miniscule speck of turd was on it.
Frugal husband wasn't happy about that game plan either.

I know I'm going to have to teach Tyler, my precious little angel of a 4 year old, to wipe in the near future.

Pray for me and all the poop stamps that will litter my household and permeate his clothing.

Marriage Deal Breakers

Last May, Husband and I celebrated/mourned our 13th anniversary. 

Just kidding.
We 100% celebrated.

Our celebration consisted of Subway sandwiches and having midday sex in the laundry room hoping our kids wouldn't walk in on us.
#truelove

Let's be honest here. Like, I hate my Husband sometimes. HATE.

And also, he hates me sometimes.

You wouldn't believe how pissed off he gets when I let the gas in my car get under 1/4 of a tank (which is 90% of the time) or when I let my cell phone battery run out (which happens all the time too.)

I know I'm awful.

I can self-assess. I can look inside myself.

I accept it.

But more importantly, my husband accepts it. 

Last week I was thinking, what would be some deal breakers for me in regards to my marriage.
I need to start setting rules so I can keep him on his toes. 

For instance, if he lost all his teeth or ever exhibited poor oral hygiene...

DEALBREAKER.

If he ever participated in musical theatre...

DEALBREAKER.

If he ever took longer than me to get ready...

DEALBREAKER.

Refused to have sex with me on my timeline...

Took up a side job in the porn business...

Sold one of our kids on the black market (unless its my 4 year old, then that's totally cool with me)…

Started crying during movies...

Bleached his butthole...

ALL. DEAL. BREAKERS.

Luckily Husband has never committed any of the above atrocities. 

If he ever did though, things would be 100% over, no questions asked.

I totally married for looks and not money. Not sure how fiscally responsible that was on my part.

BUT... He builds stuff and is super sexy when he does, so I'll likely stay just for that.

 I'm a solid 92% sure I will be married to him forever.

Blogging Again! Maybe!

Hey Everyone!
Sorry I haven't blogged for so long!!!!!!!
I know you cry a little bit inside when you cant read my motivating blog posts regularly.

I've taken a long hiatus from blogging because I've been focusing on myself.
I have been working on becoming a kinder, more spiritual person than I once was.

Just Kidding!

If anything, I'm a lot worse than I used to be.
I have 3 kids now.
Let's be Honest.... I'm barely keeping it together.




I didn't know that after the third kid, your laundry pile grows exponentially.

I also miscalculated the amount of time it would take to get three kids in a freaking car.

Any of you that have read DPRT from the beginning know that I am a chronic under-achiever.
Like, look at me right now.
I'm sitting on my couch at 3am on a Friday night.
No, I didn't go to any parties or hang out with friends.

I only have like, 4 friends anyway. And they are all like me.
Anti-social.

I'm talking about Lisa and Marianne specifically...
You too, Steph...

A solid text message every month is all I need to keep a friendship strong.

I sometimes stay up late at nigjt because this is the only time I can hang out with myself.
I am a girl who needs alone time.

I love my kids. I love my husband. And I kind of like my cat.

But I also kind of like writing offensive blogs.
So maybe I'll make more time for that.
And who knows.... maybe I'll even start showering regularly again.

Don't cross your fingers.

Right Arms - After Kids

If you don't get this drawing, you are too pure and good to be reading my blog.
Do yourself a favor and read something else!
I still appreciate you though.

To everyone who understands my jokes, you are my people. 💓💓💓

Happy Valentine's Day!

I know you all can relate.

Remember you can follow me on instagram now @emilyscottstuff

  

Meet Kenley

By the way, I had a baby..... over 8 months ago.
I figured I should blog about it before she goes through puberty so here it is. 

Kenley Rose Scott

April 23, 2017

6 lbs. 9 oz.

18 inches

cute as shit.

I loved her instantly. I was out of the hospital in 24 hours. It rained the first 3 days we were home. Like God was accommodating my wish to cuddle her in a cozy house with the fireplace warming us up.
Husband Jared and I cuddled the crap out of her. Literally. Newborns crap like 20 times a day. 

There is nothing better than a wrinkly, frog-legged newborn baby. Everything is so tiny and cute. And little babies smell soooooooooooooo good. I sniff Kenley like a frat boy sniffs drugs. I wish there was a perfume that smelled like newborns so I could spray it directly into my nostrils everyday.

When my 6 year old Cryin Ryan met her in the hospital for the first time he was stoked. And when he saw her open her eyes he was even more excited. My cold black heart melted.

 Look at how excited he is in that picture. So. Stinking. Cute.

Tyler liked her initially. But now that she is 9 months old he hates her with a passion. 


I took Baby Kenley to a rodeo when she was 3 months old and this cute teenager with Downs Syndrome loved her as much as I do.

She insisted on helping me feed the baby. 

Look how tiny she is on the 4th of July:

Having a baby girl is different than having a boy in many ways.
Changing Kenley's diaper is way harder than changing a boy's diaper. I'm pretty skilled when it comes to wiping poop of ball sacks, but not so good at navigating girl parts (which was surprising since I am a proud owner of my own girl parts).

Husband Jared is so cute with her too. He is gentle and sweet in a way that he wasn't with our boys.

He is so in love with her, that he doens't get that mad when I buy too many dresses for her.



 


Kenley sleeps through the night like a champ. Mostly because we read Babywise, but also because she is awesome.

Guess who else is awesome.
My mom. She is the best helper around. She babysat the human monkeys while I took naps, she helped keep my house clean, cooked for us, wiped everyone's butts, and even spent the night at my house when Husband had to go out of town. Thanks mom.

 Even when she cries it's hard to get mad at her since she looks like this:

 You can't get mad at a tiny crying elf.

I can't wait to post the newborn pics my friend Violet Luftkin took!

MOOOOOMMMMM!!!!

This happens to me 20 times a day, so I decided to draw it.

Oh yeah, I'm cool enough to have an Instagram account now: @emilyscottstuff
Follow me! Or don't... whatevs.
But if you do decided to follow me, please have extremely low expectations for quality content.