tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-67087579859101742262024-03-20T09:12:07.419-06:00Dear Person Reading This,Questionable parenting and generally offensive content.emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comBlogger493125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-1242174152600205972018-09-25T13:31:00.000-06:002018-11-08T23:18:17.553-07:00My Kids Hate Me, And I'm Cool With It<br />
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I'm the type parent that feels like the more hate you cultivate (wait, did I just rhyme? I knew I should of been a white girl rapper......)<br />
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Continuing on,<br />
I feel like the amount of hate my kids feel towards me is directly related to how good of a parent I am.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FJGLNzezDk0/W6qMsYOateI/AAAAAAAATTo/RmLjUuWpy-E0a1Ip70sNocsk2vRvPJi9wCLcBGAs/s1600/hate-goodparent%2Bgraph%2BJPEG.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="983" data-original-width="1600" height="392" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FJGLNzezDk0/W6qMsYOateI/AAAAAAAATTo/RmLjUuWpy-E0a1Ip70sNocsk2vRvPJi9wCLcBGAs/s640/hate-goodparent%2Bgraph%2BJPEG.jpg" width="640" /></a>Exponential hate is the best kind of hate.</div>
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I'm not talking about severe amounts of hatred, I'm talking about HEALTHY amounts.<br />
Just enough so that they resent you in their early 20's but they'll still visit you on Sundays.<br />
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Like, If my kids think it's cool to not eat the dinner I made for them, you can count on me to emotionally berate them and/or guilting them into eating it.<br />
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I'm not about to cook them food without the expectation they would eat that crap.<br />
I HATE COOKING, but I DON'T HATE yelling at my unappreciative kids.<br />
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Or what if they think its cool to not pee before we leave the house?<br />
Imma emotionally abuse them until they march into that bathroom <i><b>right now</b></i> and at least give it a try.<br />
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One time, T-Bag Tyler was yelling in the house and I took it up a few decibels to show him who was louder.<br />
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Nothing makes me want to make an appointment with planned parenthood more than when my kids yell in the freaking house.<br />
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That gets real old, REAL fast.<br />
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It's my job as a mediocre parent to teach them the ways of our cruel world and if that involves them hating me sometimes, I accept it.<br />
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I can't handle the parents who want their kids to love them 100% of the time. Where is the fun in that?<br />
It's your responsibly and God given right to piss your kids off.<br />
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I LOATHED my parents a solid 89% of my formative years and look at me now. I turned into a semi-productive citizen who generally obeys the law. And I LOVE my parents now.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WJS93tYaE3c/W6p_-Kil72I/AAAAAAAATTI/pBLfyKTVKGAlkh52YvPNHHraTLHShTPbQCLcBGAs/s1600/spmoment%2Bi%2Bhateumom%2BFinal.tif" imageanchor="1" style="background-color: transparent; color: #0066cc; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center; text-decoration: underline; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><img border="0" data-original-height="983" data-original-width="1600" height="392" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WJS93tYaE3c/W6p_-Kil72I/AAAAAAAATTI/pBLfyKTVKGAlkh52YvPNHHraTLHShTPbQCLcBGAs/s640/spmoment%2Bi%2Bhateumom%2BFinal.tif" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WJS93tYaE3c/W6p_-Kil72I/AAAAAAAATTI/pBLfyKTVKGAlkh52YvPNHHraTLHShTPbQCLcBGAs/s1600/spmoment%2Bi%2Bhateumom%2BFinal.tif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;">Discipline those little punks when they throw at fit in public, steal from your candy stash, or poop in a urinal at school.</a><br />
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Have some fun with it and get creative.<br />
They'll still love you.... just not for a few hours.<br />
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<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-33742190778695409772018-09-08T15:42:00.000-06:002018-09-10T10:41:20.229-06:00Working Out Is The WOOORRRSSSSTTTTT<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Things aren't going so well for me at the moment.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I turned 34 years old this year and let me tell you, things aren't where they used to be.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm not only talking about my metal health, I'm talking about my body parts.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I breastfed 3 kids and even though im barely a B cup, gravity is starting to wreak havoc on your homegirl.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We all know I'm wayyyyy too cheap to get a boob job, so things aren't going to be getting much better for me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Do you know what you can buy instead of a tit-job???</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">…. Lots of things.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Backpacking for a couple weeks in Thailand</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Laser hair removal for my pits and pubes</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- A 5 year membership to Taco Bell</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I think we all know how near and dear Taco Bell is to my heart. Their nacho cheese is theoretically closer to my heart than a gummy silicon boob-implant would be.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Their nacho cheese is orgasmic and since my husband is out of town sometimes, that's the only thing I can look forward to.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Since I actually don't care too much about my boobs, but let's discuss the rest of my body.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I've exercised in the past. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I played soccer from the time I was 10 and throughout high school, and even played on indoor leagues until I was 20.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I did a paper route on my rollerblades every morning from 11 years old until I was almost 15.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I've been active, but hated every minute of it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For real, I hate exercise.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If it were possible for my to indulge in my twice and week, nay, thrice a week love affair with taco bell without getting chubby, I would.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Like I said, I'm 34 and things are going swiftly downhill. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I can't lick nacho cheese out of the little black cups like I used to.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So, I've been working out steadily lately, and listen.... Im NOT happy about it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It's EXHAUSTING. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The only part I like about it, is when it's over. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I will admit to one major benefit.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When Husband is out of town, a good late night workout really relieves stress and sexual frustration.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm in my sexual prime right now, so I need to keep things tight and right, so the fact that it also realeases any frustration is a beautiful thing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Another thing, I love muffins.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The tops are my fav.</span><br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-n2r1BQrXdUU/W5MgoIXf_oI/AAAAAAAATQw/gn2IkPfWSwo9MnE3wGBXjXVdH__6jJhBACLcBGAs/s1600/1393597787465.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="331" data-original-width="650" height="202" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-n2r1BQrXdUU/W5MgoIXf_oI/AAAAAAAATQw/gn2IkPfWSwo9MnE3wGBXjXVdH__6jJhBACLcBGAs/s400/1393597787465.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I love them so much that I tricked my kids into thinking the bottom half of Costco muffins are the best part. Then I get the whole top piece to myself. #momoftheyear</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">What I don't love is when I have a muffin top everytime I put my jeans on.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Not only am I too cheap to get a boob job, I'm also too cheap to buy bigger jeans.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">FML.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Looks like I have no choice but to keep working out or buy some rollerblades and deliver newspapers again.</span><br />
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emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-13366777052180401232018-08-26T13:48:00.000-06:002018-08-26T16:50:19.550-06:00Wiping Butts<br />
Is it weird I still wipe my 4 year olds butt?<br />
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I insist on wiping all my kids butts until they pass a rigorous proficiency test that proves they are capable of thoroughly cleaning their own areas.<br />
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Poop is disgusting, I hate it.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">No</span><span style="font-size: large;">. Look me square in the computer monitor so I know your with me.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I. FREAKING. HATE. POOP.</span><br />
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I've written extensively about my professional hatred of sh*t.<br />
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I use 7-10 wipes every time I change Baby Kenley's diaper.<br />
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My Husband is ridiculously frugal and almost vomits every time he witnesses my wasteful wipee usage.<br />
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It's caused significant probs in our marriage. Worth it though.<br />
I'm not about to use one wipe and let baby crap seep through onto my hands.<br />
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Back to wiping my 4 year olds butt though.....<br />
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I don't want him to do a sub-par job and then I have to scrub the residual skid marks out of his undies. <span style="font-size: large;">GROSS.</span><br />
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When it comes to wiping your kid's butt, how old is too old?<br />
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A while ago, my friend Christie was APPALLED that I still wiped Cryin Ryan's butt. He was around 4 years old at the time.<br />
She said she would literally kill herself if she was still wiping her kid's bum at that age.<br />
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That was the first time I looked inward and realized that I couldn't wipe his butt till he goes to college (although I am a fantastic mom so I totally would.)<br />
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I seriously googled "how to teach your kid to wipe his own ass".<br />
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<br />
One of the articles suggested demonstrating it.<br />
Like, I'm supposed to pantomime wiping my own rear end in front of my children?<br />
No thank you Mam', I have already messed up my kids enough.<br />
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And I really don't want my kids telling the neighbors how "mommy pulls down her pants and we saw her butthole."<br />
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I know butt-wiping is a skill everyone should master. And as a devoted mother, is it my job to teach them.<br />
I just really don't want to scrub it out of their underwear though!!!...….<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">That's DIS-GUST-ING.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">I'm not about to wash poop undies with the rest of our laundry. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">I gag when I think about poop undies, Tide detergent, my clothes, and fabric softener marinating together in a washing machine. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">*dry heaves.</span><b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br />
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I have thrown multiple pair of undies away because a miniscule speck of turd was on it.<br />
Frugal husband wasn't happy about that game plan either.<br />
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I know I'm going to have to teach Tyler, my precious little angel of a 4 year old, to wipe in the near future.<br />
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Pray for me and all the poop stamps that will litter my household and permeate his clothing.<br />
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<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-43620891834091884032018-08-22T12:24:00.000-06:002018-08-24T09:16:49.683-06:00Marriage Deal Breakers <div>
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Last May, Husband and I celebrated/mourned our 13th anniversary. </div>
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Just kidding.<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">We 100% celebrated.</span><br />
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Our celebration consisted of Subway sandwiches and having midday sex in the laundry room hoping our kids wouldn't walk in on us.<br />
#truelove<br />
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Let's be honest here. Like, I hate my Husband sometimes. HATE.</div>
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And also, he hates me sometimes.<br />
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You wouldn't believe how pissed off he gets when I let the gas in my car get under 1/4 of a tank (which is 90% of the time) or when I let my cell phone battery run out (which happens all the time too.)<br />
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I know I'm awful.<br />
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I can self-assess. I can look inside myself.<br />
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I accept it.</div>
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But more importantly, my husband accepts it. </div>
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Last week I was thinking, what would be some deal breakers for me in regards to my marriage.<br />
I need to start setting rules so I can keep him on his toes. </div>
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For instance, if he lost all his teeth or ever exhibited poor oral hygiene...<br />
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DEALBREAKER.<br />
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If he ever participated in musical theatre...</div>
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DEALBREAKER.<br />
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If he ever took longer than me to get ready...</div>
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DEALBREAKER.</div>
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Refused to have sex with me on my timeline...</div>
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Took up a side job in the porn business...</div>
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Sold one of our kids on the black market (unless its my 4 year old, then that's totally cool with me)…</div>
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Started crying during movies...</div>
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Bleached his butthole...</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">ALL. DEAL. BREAKERS.</span></div>
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Luckily Husband has never committed any of the above atrocities. </div>
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If he ever did though, things would be 100% over, no questions asked.</div>
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I totally married for looks and not money. Not sure how fiscally responsible that was on my part.<br />
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BUT... He builds stuff and is super sexy when he does, so I'll likely stay just for that.<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm a solid 92% sure I will be married to him forever.</span></div>
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emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-51522556117756287022018-08-08T01:30:00.000-06:002018-08-16T18:59:58.277-06:00Blogging Again! Maybe!<br />
Hey Everyone!<br />
Sorry I haven't blogged for so long!!!!!!! <br />
I know you cry a little bit inside when you cant read my motivating blog posts regularly.<br />
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I've taken a long hiatus from blogging because I've been focusing on myself.<br />
I have been working on becoming a kinder, more spiritual person than I once was.<br />
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Just Kidding!<br />
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If anything, I'm a lot worse than I used to be.<br />
I have 3 kids now.<br />
Let's be Honest.... I'm barely keeping it together.<br />
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I didn't know that after the third kid, your laundry pile grows exponentially.<br />
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I also miscalculated the amount of time it would take to get three kids in a freaking car.<br />
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Any of you that have read DPRT from the beginning know that I am a chronic under-achiever.<br />
Like, look at me right now. <br />
I'm sitting on my couch at 3am on a Friday night.<br />
No, I didn't go to any parties or hang out with friends.<br />
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I only have like, 4 friends anyway. And they are all like me.<br />
Anti-social.<br />
<br />
I'm talking about Lisa and Marianne specifically...<br />
You too, Steph...<br />
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A solid text message every month is all I need to keep a friendship strong.<br />
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I sometimes stay up late at nigjt because this is the only time I can hang out with myself.<br />
I am a girl who needs alone time.<br />
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I love my kids. I love my husband. And I kind of like my cat.<br />
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But I also kind of like writing offensive blogs.<br />
So maybe I'll make more time for that.<br />
And who knows.... maybe I'll even start showering regularly again.<br />
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Don't cross your fingers.<br />
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<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-16902549013539915162018-02-27T13:11:00.000-07:002018-02-27T13:13:13.189-07:00Right Arms - After Kids<br />
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If you don't get this drawing, you are too pure and good to be reading my blog.<br />
Do yourself a favor and read something else!<br />
I still appreciate you though.<br />
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To everyone who understands my jokes, you are my people. 💓💓💓<br />
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<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-6654218090402562742018-02-14T05:30:00.000-07:002018-02-14T05:30:48.861-07:00Happy Valentine's Day!<br />
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I know you all can relate.<br />
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Remember you can follow me on instagram now <a href="https://www.instagram.com/emilyscottstuff/">@emilyscottstuff</a><br />
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emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-7730587950339344422018-02-13T15:20:00.000-07:002018-02-13T15:20:14.825-07:00Meet Kenley<br />
By the way, I had a baby..... over 8 months ago.<br />
I figured I should blog about it before she goes through puberty so here it is. <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Kenley Rose Scott</span></div>
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April 23, 2017</div>
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6 lbs. 9 oz.</div>
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18 inches</div>
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cute as shit.</div>
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I
loved her instantly. I was out of the hospital in 24 hours. It rained
the first 3 days we were home. Like God was accommodating my wish to
cuddle her in a cozy house with the fireplace warming us up.<br />
Husband Jared and I cuddled the crap out of her. Literally. Newborns crap like 20 times a day. <br />
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There
is nothing better than a wrinkly, frog-legged newborn baby. Everything
is so tiny and cute. And little babies smell soooooooooooooo good. I
sniff Kenley like a frat boy sniffs drugs. I wish there was a perfume
that smelled like newborns so I could spray it directly into my nostrils everyday.<br />
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When
my 6 year old Cryin Ryan met her in the hospital for the first time he was
stoked. And when he saw her open her eyes he was even more excited. My
cold black heart melted.<br />
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Look at how excited he is in that picture. So. Stinking. Cute.<br />
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Tyler liked her initially. But now that she is 9 months old he hates her with a passion. <br />
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I took Baby Kenley to a rodeo when she was 3 months old and this cute teenager with Downs Syndrome loved her as much as I do.<br />
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She insisted on helping me feed the baby. <br />
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Look how tiny she is on the 4th of July:<br />
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Having a baby girl is different than having a boy in many ways.<br />
Changing
Kenley's diaper is way harder than changing a boy's diaper. I'm pretty
skilled when it comes to wiping poop of ball sacks, but not so good at
navigating girl parts (which was surprising since I am a proud owner of
my own girl parts).<br />
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Husband Jared is so cute with her
too. He is gentle and sweet in a way that he wasn't with our boys.<br />
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He is
so in love with her, that he doens't get that mad when I buy too many dresses for her.<br />
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Kenley sleeps through the night like a champ. Mostly because we read Babywise, but also because she is awesome.<br />
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Guess who else is awesome.<br />
My
mom. She is the best helper around. She babysat the human monkeys while
I took naps, she helped keep my house clean, cooked for us, wiped
everyone's butts, and even spent the night at my house when Husband had
to go out of town. Thanks mom.<br />
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Even when she cries it's hard to get mad at her since she looks like this:<br />
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You can't get mad at a tiny crying elf.<br />
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I can't wait to post the newborn pics my friend <b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/VioletLufkinPhotography/">Violet Luftkin</a></span></b> took!<br />
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emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-37823051684327579042018-01-30T14:12:00.000-07:002018-02-13T13:10:49.340-07:00MOOOOOMMMMM!!!!<br />
This happens to me 20 times a day, so I decided to draw it.<br />
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Oh yeah, I'm cool enough to have an Instagram account now: <span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue;"><a href="https://www.instagram.com/emilyscottstuff/">@emilyscottstuff</a></span></span><br />
Follow me! Or don't... whatevs.<br />
But if you do decided to follow me, please have extremely low expectations for quality content.<br />
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<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-5982303001258781692017-11-21T15:06:00.000-07:002017-11-21T17:25:21.948-07:00(Innapropriate) Maternity Photos: Part II<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">READ PART I <span style="color: #0b5394;"><a href="https://dearpersonreadingthis.blogspot.com/2017/09/best-maternity-photos-ever-of-me.html" target="_blank">HERE</a></span>! </span><br />
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I'm still obsessed with how pretty <a href="https://www.sewtrendyaccessories.com/" target="_blank">my maternity dress</a> was.<br />
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I just can't seem to feel attractive when I'm throwing up, peeing my pants, and chronically constipated.<br />
BUT, my photographer, Ashley, captured incredible pics that made me feel more beautiful than I ever have felt during a pregnancy.<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">(BTW, her instagram is magical: <a href="https://www.instagram.com/ashbridgewater.jpg/">ashbridgewater.jpg</a>) </span><br />
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I didn't want to take the dress off.<br />
(The dress was made by <span style="font-size: large;"><b><a href="https://www.sewtrendyaccessories.com/">Sew Trendy</a></b></span> which is also magical. Don't be mad my high school friend owns the company.)<br />
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So I came up with a few more ideas to complete the photo shoot.<br />
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Ashley is a consummate professional but agreed to document my bad decisions. <br />
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I really don't know what to say about the following pictures.<br />
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We went to a famed Utah strip club off State Street.<br />
I took a couple pics outside, because I didn't think the club managers would actually let me in to take pictures.<br />
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It's amazing how good the photographs are considering Ashley and I couldn't stop laughing.<br />
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We walked inside and asked the super nice and super hot receptionist if I could embarrass myself.<br />
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She got the manager for us.<br />
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He was laughing super hard about my idea and said I could even get on a stage if I wanted.<br />
<br />
WHAT?!?!<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">It's always been a childhood dream of mine to be a pregnant stripper in a fancy dress.</span><br />
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I guess Tuesdays are slow for strip clubs because there weren't that many guys there.<br />
Which was totally fine since I already paid my bills that month.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PNecptFpV3Y/WhSZu6A-pbI/AAAAAAAAROQ/5X-Skcp0Nj029CRaZ8UmMNC4EFMKsmEZACLcBGAs/s1600/Maternity-54.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1143" data-original-width="1600" height="285" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PNecptFpV3Y/WhSZu6A-pbI/AAAAAAAAROQ/5X-Skcp0Nj029CRaZ8UmMNC4EFMKsmEZACLcBGAs/s400/Maternity-54.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Before I went in, I was a little worried the girls who worked there would be a little mad about me for basically making fun of their jobs.<br />
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Instead, the girls were totally laughing at the idea and helped us as much as they could.<br />
<br />
They aren't dumb. They treat stripping as a means to an end and have no problem poking a little fun at it.<br />
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They gave me posing tips (even though I still look awkward af) and the burly 40-somthing-year-old bouncer fixed my gown so it would be especially beautiful.<br />
<br />
I try not to judge people but I really didn't expect all the girls and staff to be so funny, nice, and helpful.<br />
Thanks pretty Salt Lake City strippers.<br />
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Next stop was one of my most favorite places in the world.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Taco Bell💗</span><br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_ont2vVyS_k/WhSbW59vAYI/AAAAAAAAROg/Mr2UplPZbPIt_jYi03a76OHq8SnI19XkgCLcBGAs/s1600/Maternity-63.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1143" data-original-width="1600" height="456" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_ont2vVyS_k/WhSbW59vAYI/AAAAAAAAROg/Mr2UplPZbPIt_jYi03a76OHq8SnI19XkgCLcBGAs/s640/Maternity-63.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tIopnNxVNsQ/WhSbYfRIeQI/AAAAAAAAROk/RnubQU2w-wsBYIdwYLgGm5hz7LQyuBG1wCLcBGAs/s1600/Maternity-67.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1143" data-original-width="1600" height="228" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tIopnNxVNsQ/WhSbYfRIeQI/AAAAAAAAROk/RnubQU2w-wsBYIdwYLgGm5hz7LQyuBG1wCLcBGAs/s320/Maternity-67.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gH7Qvb6uXZU/WhSbWD9z7cI/AAAAAAAAROc/wfWvyie9YYcVlRkYZuBcU-eCA6nYaBWTwCLcBGAs/s1600/Maternity-68.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1143" data-original-width="1600" height="228" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gH7Qvb6uXZU/WhSbWD9z7cI/AAAAAAAAROc/wfWvyie9YYcVlRkYZuBcU-eCA6nYaBWTwCLcBGAs/s320/Maternity-68.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br />
Taco Bell was pretty much the only thing I ate this whole pregnancy.
Baby #3 is practically made out of chicken chalupas and nachos
with extra cheese, so I wanted to honor that.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GLmoEeq1nMo/WgZO7dp8LfI/AAAAAAAAQxc/dbNljbr6hpwd_jwmDlQhURPs1k1_BDo2ACLcBGAs/s1600/wm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1237" height="400" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GLmoEeq1nMo/WgZO7dp8LfI/AAAAAAAAQxc/dbNljbr6hpwd_jwmDlQhURPs1k1_BDo2ACLcBGAs/s400/wm.jpg" width="308" /></a></div>
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By the way, not only is Ashley Bridgewater a good photographer, but is also an excellent burrito eater. She was probably pretty popular in high school.<br />
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I really wanted my maternity photos to tell a story.<br />
Something like, girl is pregnant, girl gets fancy dress, girl go to strip club, girl is hungry, girl eats chalupas, girl pees behind dumpster.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-x9wQpFKaFiA/WhSe6GFpTSI/AAAAAAAARO0/2aksr9NgGnQ9v1Wiy3CmdFbCfUWtafd8ACLcBGAs/s1600/Maternity-73.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1143" data-original-width="1600" height="285" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-x9wQpFKaFiA/WhSe6GFpTSI/AAAAAAAARO0/2aksr9NgGnQ9v1Wiy3CmdFbCfUWtafd8ACLcBGAs/s400/Maternity-73.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Do you know how hard it is to keep a straight face when you are laughing at how clever you are?<br />
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By the way, can I just say that I am so flattered and grateful
that anyone reads my blog? Making people smile, laugh, or get seriously
offended, fulfills me in ways you can't imagine.<br />
So really. Thanks for reading.<br />
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P.S. If you are offended by anything here, please email me at emilybarlocker@yahoo.com so I can show my friends and save it in my "funny stuff" folder.<br />
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Also I got a few other suggestions for the photo shoot, one having to do with a hanger and shop vac, so really, this could of been a lot worse. (You know who you are person that thought of that 💗.)<br />
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<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-55587614494331731222017-09-29T10:54:00.001-06:002017-09-29T10:54:29.808-06:00I'm An Idiot About My Blog And I Went To A Kazoo Recital<br />
So I'm an idiot.<br />
<br />
I'm trying to give my blog a fresh look but instead I just jacked it up.<br />
<br />
I deleted all my followers on accident.<br />
If you want to follow my dumb-A, you still can! But I really don't recommend you reading my nonsense. It's your own choice though, do what your heart tells you.<br />
<br />
Also, there are a bunch of problems with this new template I'm using.<br />
Please be patient while I figure this crap out.<br />
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If it helps you feel any better, I went to a Kazoo Recital last week.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S7TGsG-55Ic/Wc55L5eo3gI/AAAAAAAAPTQ/0hhI4sSjGQUeiQ3ext7x0gD-w3OhPcoMwCLcBGAs/s1600/V__540A.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S7TGsG-55Ic/Wc55L5eo3gI/AAAAAAAAPTQ/0hhI4sSjGQUeiQ3ext7x0gD-w3OhPcoMwCLcBGAs/s1600/V__540A.jpg" /></a></div>
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That's right. My favorite Grandma is in a Kazoo band at her old people club.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C-EyLHK5C18/Wc55L9H_23I/AAAAAAAAPTM/lGc5EJTLfCgDUcgALID8O5Mt2fsh--nIACLcBGAs/s1600/V__6EDB.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="240" data-original-width="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C-EyLHK5C18/Wc55L9H_23I/AAAAAAAAPTM/lGc5EJTLfCgDUcgALID8O5Mt2fsh--nIACLcBGAs/s1600/V__6EDB.jpg" /></a></div>
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It was as magical as you think it would be. <br />
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My phone is super bad at pics/video, but about halfway through this clip you can hear the kazoo-ing for yourself.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dzf1wfzzsfY_sA0x-mGaLve0nTeNjmZ1Xlr6VxXKGgJcYeXOOR_T4OPakv_221TWYbfum5tG3_sBQi_08sMTw' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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Awesome, right?!<br />
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Thanks for reading!<br />
I"ll get my life together soon. <br />
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<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-69644202482887289532017-09-09T13:29:00.001-06:002017-11-21T14:12:17.777-07:00(Appropriate) Maternity Photos: Part I<br />
I got professional maternity photos taken.<br />
Like a <i>real live Mom</i> that is proactive and cares about fancy pictures.<br />
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<br />
Have you guys seen the incredible maternity pics that everyone takes nowadays? Like being pregnant is super special or something?!?!<br />
<br />
I know a ton of slutty girls who get knocked up, so being with child is not that monumental.<br />
<br />
Just kidding. Yay(!) for pregnancy and Yay(!) for little babies.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://dearpersonreadingthis.blogspot.com/2013/09/types-of-pregnant-girls-part-iii-of-iii.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><u>I am a nasty, nasty human</u></span></a> when I'm knocked up. The last thing I wanted was photographic evidence of it. <br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-l66Ba0sH2Oo/WbQ9mjivBEI/AAAAAAAAPQk/6xYj8RLc54c5hEwTFJVgo7fmRKymlNY1QCLcBGAs/s1600/sickpg%2Bcopy.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="820" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-l66Ba0sH2Oo/WbQ9mjivBEI/AAAAAAAAPQk/6xYj8RLc54c5hEwTFJVgo7fmRKymlNY1QCLcBGAs/s320/sickpg%2Bcopy.jpg" width="164" /></a></div>
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<br />
BUT, I happen to be cool enough to have friends in high places, and the high place I'm talking about is Sew Trendy Accessories.<br />
I know it's hard to believe I have real live friends but just go with me here.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://www.sewtrendyaccessories.com/" target="_blank">Sew Trendy</a> </span></span>is an industry leader in beautiful maternity dresses. Seriously. <a href="https://www.sewtrendyaccessories.com/" target="_blank">Look at the website. </a><br />
Tyson
and Valerie Best are the owners and also happen to be my friends. I've
known Tyson since middle school and he is a clever little $hit, and also a dad/closeted gangster.<br />
This is thier youngest/ridiculously cute child modeling one of their photo prop crowns.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AO6cg1MU7PE/WbVqDJFMq9I/AAAAAAAAPRg/3I4N3QQBZvM3GphjgYqF_zR3Ss-Gn6_gQCLcBGAs/s1600/dominic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AO6cg1MU7PE/WbVqDJFMq9I/AAAAAAAAPRg/3I4N3QQBZvM3GphjgYqF_zR3Ss-Gn6_gQCLcBGAs/s400/dominic.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.sewtrendyaccessories.com/collections/newborn-tie-backs-rompers/products/dominic-crown-baby-burlap-crown-button-crown-newborn-photo-prop-ready-to-ship" target="_blank">Sew Trendy - Dominic Crown</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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I know. Most awesome baby pic ever. <br />
<br />
<br />
Valerie started the company in her basement. She
didn't even know how to sew. But since she is obviously brilliant and a
hard worker she now has a huge warehouse factory and 45+ people working
for her.<br />
I don't know how she gets everything done and balances all the
amazing-ness. She is like a white Beyonce, if Beyonce made maternity gowns and photo accessories.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gaHlB3S7SUY/WbRB1gMFl3I/AAAAAAAAPQ0/dsqQh9mJzsoh2sN9hsJQ-RurTQ0mjCXzwCLcBGAs/s1600/Celestial-_Maternity_Gown-_Champange-_NHance_photog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="960" height="266" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gaHlB3S7SUY/WbRB1gMFl3I/AAAAAAAAPQ0/dsqQh9mJzsoh2sN9hsJQ-RurTQ0mjCXzwCLcBGAs/s400/Celestial-_Maternity_Gown-_Champange-_NHance_photog.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">photo from <a href="https://www.sewtrendyaccessories.com/collections/infinity-gowns/products/leyah-style-stretch-knit-infinity-gown" target="_blank">here</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br />
They hooked me up with an incredible handmade dress (all their dresses are handmade). I can't even tell you how excited I was to dress up.<br />
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<br />
I got the <span style="color: #0b5394;"><a href="https://www.sewtrendyaccessories.com/collections/infinity-gowns/products/leyah-style-stretch-knit-infinity-gown" target="_blank">Leyah gown. </a></span><br />
I chose to have it made in innocent and pure white fabric - even though it's clear by my baby bump and by the
way that I do my makeup that I am not a virgin... or even virgin-ish for
that matter.<br />
<br />
This style is one of those infinity dresses that you can wear a ton of different ways.<br />
<br />
Plus this dress is awesome because you can wear it when you aren't pregnant too and it still looks amazing.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C6Ta4ZzTN3s/WbRB2mIrzFI/AAAAAAAAPQ4/dWsW6B7g7DI2gXN3hYEdxHzPWLfT5VTyQCLcBGAs/s1600/icm_fullxfull.53355661_la0gaigqw0004kcwgkkw.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C6Ta4ZzTN3s/WbRB2mIrzFI/AAAAAAAAPQ4/dWsW6B7g7DI2gXN3hYEdxHzPWLfT5VTyQCLcBGAs/s320/icm_fullxfull.53355661_la0gaigqw0004kcwgkkw.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> photo from <a href="https://www.sewtrendyaccessories.com/collections/infinity-gowns/products/leyah-style-stretch-knit-infinity-gown" target="_blank">here</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br />
I'm sure you have seen the maternity photo shoot pics with the amazing dresses - where the mom looks all angelic, classic, and perfectly pregnant. <br />
Well that's the aesthetic I wanted when I called Ashley Bridgewater who is a good friend and an even good-er photographer.<br />
<br />
I seriously have 4 or 5 friends, so for me to claim a friendship with someone is a pretty big step. I'm even thinking of introducing her to my parents. It's serious you guys.<br />
Actually Ashley is my little sister's friend, but that's basically the same thing, right?<br />
<br />
Check out her magical Instagram:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.instagram.com/ashbridgewater.jpg/" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: large;">Ashley Bridgewater Photography</span></span></a></div>
<br />
She also sells herself for money. But not like a prostitute, more like a photographer. If you live in Utah book her. She is awesome with kids and knows how to work with <strike>crappy</strike> amateur models (like me.) <br />
<br />
Ashley knows all the secret locations for photo shoots and took me to this one by the Great Salt Lake.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-12WikghHAYs/WbQ6Ra6vtsI/AAAAAAAAPQA/qjXqr4pMlworI6HIbudXSLBVJb0wM_hJwCLcBGAs/s1600/Maternity-5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1143" data-original-width="1600" height="456" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-12WikghHAYs/WbQ6Ra6vtsI/AAAAAAAAPQA/qjXqr4pMlworI6HIbudXSLBVJb0wM_hJwCLcBGAs/s640/Maternity-5.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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LOOK AT MY AMAZING DRESS.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WwLJv4w5ekY/WbQ6NDHvF4I/AAAAAAAAPPw/s-HP8km9MUE-Vpee9AGXen2RQgosNre6QCLcBGAs/s1600/Maternity-15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1143" data-original-width="1600" height="456" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WwLJv4w5ekY/WbQ6NDHvF4I/AAAAAAAAPPw/s-HP8km9MUE-Vpee9AGXen2RQgosNre6QCLcBGAs/s640/Maternity-15.jpg" width="640" /></a><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eCx5Xknrdqs/WbQ6ODdkzFI/AAAAAAAAPP0/FjWyicTNQ7s2fSJGxIgrAgAlFDhcX5MjACLcBGAs/s1600/Maternity-13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1143" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eCx5Xknrdqs/WbQ6ODdkzFI/AAAAAAAAPP0/FjWyicTNQ7s2fSJGxIgrAgAlFDhcX5MjACLcBGAs/s640/Maternity-13.jpg" width="456" /></a></div>
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Sew Trendy has a <a href="https://www.facebook.com/SewTrendyAccessories/" target="_blank">Facebook page,</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/Sewtrendyacc" target="_blank">Twitter</a>, and <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/sewtrendyaccess/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a> account if you like to look at pretty things or want to creepily stalk them like I do.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gx41l87lI-w/WbQ6PIQH-DI/AAAAAAAAPP4/ldCj6dMZYAQNyzT_y3awr8-5aEcUg4fagCLcBGAs/s1600/Maternity-20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1143" data-original-width="1600" height="456" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gx41l87lI-w/WbQ6PIQH-DI/AAAAAAAAPP4/ldCj6dMZYAQNyzT_y3awr8-5aEcUg4fagCLcBGAs/s640/Maternity-20.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wH0ZjAomAJo/WbQ6ZaQRgXI/AAAAAAAAPQI/Gm-LxzEnCkkJjAWja0cTSzyON-iVnckBACLcBGAs/s1600/Maternity-40.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1143" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wH0ZjAomAJo/WbQ6ZaQRgXI/AAAAAAAAPQI/Gm-LxzEnCkkJjAWja0cTSzyON-iVnckBACLcBGAs/s640/Maternity-40.jpg" width="456" /></a></div>
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<br />
!!!!!!!!!<br />
So pretty, right!?!?<br />
I got the <a href="https://www.sewtrendyaccessories.com/collections/floral-crowns/products/nadia-floral-crown-ready-to-ship" target="_blank">flower crown</a> from Sew Trendy too. <br />
I was super excited because, like I said, I feel nasty and gross when I'm pregs.<br />
<br />
I was so happy with the pics that I convinced Ashley to take some more pics of me at some locations that I had scouted out......<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
PART II COMING SOON!<br />
(Trigger warning: do not read part II if you've ever had bad experiences as a pregnant stripper.)<br />
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<br />
(Oh yeah... I am not obligated to give Sew Trendy positive reviews or even review them for that matter. I just am really stoked about the dress and that my friends are kicking butt at life.)<br />
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<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-37377155120564752052017-08-04T14:37:00.001-06:002017-08-04T14:37:48.192-06:003 Kids is Not That Fun<br />
I'm still alive b*tches.<br />
<br />
<br />
It's been a long time since I've blogged.<br />
<br />
I am a different person now.<br />
<br />
A person who is less hopeful.<br />
A person who wears pajamas until 1pm.<br />
A person who looks solemnly outside while placing a gentle hand on the window.<br />
A person who wipes butts 50 times a day.<br />
<br />
<br />
I am a person with 3 kids.<br />
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<br />
I had baby #3 at the end of April and joined the worst club in the world.<br />
The Mom of 3 Children Club.<br />
And this Club sucks. <br />
<br />
<br />
Hey moms with 3 or more kids!!!:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">How are you still sane???</span><br />
<br />
Or, more importantly, <span style="font-size: large;">how do you fake being sane???</span><br />
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<br />
Having 3 kids is kind of making me crazy.<br />
<br />
<br />
I thought 3 kids wouldn't be that big of a deal for me.<br />
I've worked with kids my whole life. I used to BE a kid!<br />
And child #2 was a breeze, so I figured #3 would be similar.<br />
<br />
People were not kidding when they said that 3 kids sucks because you only have two hands. It's incredible how often ALL THREE of my kids need something at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME.<br />
<br />
Taking them out in public is akin to getting sucker-punched in the crotch.<br />
It's unbelievably painful and can leave you in tears. <br />
<br />
I was at the grocery store yesterday. I was carrying baby #3 in a Baby wrap on my chest, Cryin' Ryan, and T-bag were running around me and the shopping cart. It was a circus.<br />
Then baby #3 started scream-crying. I forgot the pacifier.<br />
<br />
She screamed the entire 20 minutes we were there.<br />
<br />
I was pissed off but determined to finish shopping. There was no way I was leaving and coming back later.<br />
Have you ever loaded 3 small children into a car?!?!?! It's <b>not</b> fun. <br />
<br />
People were staring at us while shaking their heads with a small smile - like they were sending me the message, "Good for you, taking your feral children to the store.... your doing the best you can <3."<br />
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Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you the good news!<br />
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Just kidding, I'm not pregnant. It's just Taco Bell and residual baby weight.<br />
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My kids are lucky I adore them because they really suck my will. And ultimately, who else can I talk to at 6am about how many bullets I think it would take to kill a dinosaur?<br />
<br />
<br />
And you know what? Even though having 3 kids is kicking my butt, I'm going to stay positive.<br />
I'm going to mom my butt off - and I will be the mommiest mom ever.<br />
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<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-89259387537813632922017-05-17T06:30:00.000-06:002017-05-17T06:30:08.053-06:00My 3 Year Old Is An Idiot<br />
<br />
I've already come to terms with the fact that a part of me will forever be an idiot.<br />
What I can't come to terms with is the fact that my 3 year old is now part of that club.<br />
<br />
You're probably thinking, but emily! How can a 3 year old be idiot?!<br />
.... Easily.<br />
<br />
I think all of us mothers can agree that pretty much all 3 year olds are not that smart.<br />
Sometimes I think Tyler may be slightly dumber than his peers.<br />
<br />
I present the following arguments:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>T-Bag was playing with a toy gun at Cabela's and hit himself in the face resulting in a dent in his forehead. </li>
</ul>
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<ul>
<li>He stupidly picked up this dead bird with his bare hands, then picked his nose and ate his booger. That idiot probably caught some bird disease. I had to teach him how to play with dead things with a stick. </li>
</ul>
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<ul>
<li>I brought cupcakes to my brother Jake's house for the kids to decorate. We gave everyone candles and sang them all happy birthday, because that's how bored I was. Tyler tried to blow out his candle, got too close, and singed all his eyelashes off like a complete fool. </li>
</ul>
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<br />
<ul>
<li>He was walking on the sidewalk, fell down, and landed on his face. Now his front tooth is all jacked up and dead.... from walking. </li>
</ul>
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<br />
<br />
He is so lucky I think he's cute and funny, otherwise I would disown him fo' sure.<br />
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<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-46754940053719371032017-04-09T19:20:00.001-06:002017-04-10T09:46:12.425-06:00Stupid Things I've Cried About While Being Pregnant<br />
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<br />
This is actually hard for me to admit, but being pregnant with baby #3 has left me a sobbing mess.<br />
<br />
I'm not a cryer.<br />
I hate crying.<br />
<br />
I have a sick sense of pride that tears rarely leave my body.<br />
<br />
My first two pregnancy's had no effect on my emotions. I felt normal as far as emotions went.<br />
<br />
A lot of people say that being pregs with girls is different than being pregs with boys.<br />
<br />
As I looked back over the last 37 weeks, I realized what a crying little wuss I've been.<br />
I don't know if it's because my baby has a vagina or if I'm turning into one.<br />
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<br />
<br />
The extra embarrassing part is what I cry about. It's the stupidest stuff ever. I would never shed tears over this stuff in real life.<br />
<br />
Here is some of the stupid stuff I've been blubbering about:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>My hair.</li>
</ul>
I got my hair done a month ago. It was too blonde, so I cried 4 days in a row until I got it fixed. I even cried in front of Husband and it was super embarrassing.<br />
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<br />
Look how yellow/orange it was.<br />
I sobbed about this on the phone to my mom. I know it's just hair. Embarrassing. <br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Jared and I didn't have sex before he went out of town.</li>
</ul>
Because now he thinks I'm fat and ugly and he doesn't love me anymore. I just know it. And what if he dies and that was my last chance to bang him?<br />
<br />
Don't worry though. I called him, he turned his car around, and came home for a quickie. <br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>A video of a precious moment between a mom and baby. </li>
</ul>
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<br />
It made me cry but that didn't stop me from watching it 20 times.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>The baby's room was a mess.</li>
</ul>
Yeah, I whimpered about this too. Then I just organized it and was fine. <br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>I threw up in public.</li>
</ul>
I'm no stranger to throwing up in public, I do it all the time when I'm knocked up.<br />
But now that I'm in the 3rd trimester it suddenly makes me cry.<br />
I don't cry until I get home, but still. <br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>I scratched my car.</li>
</ul>
I don't even care about my car. I don't need the newest or coolest car.<br />
<br />
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<br />
There is a reason I drive an older inexpensive car, and that reason is because I like not stressing out about it. But you better believe I cried about scratching the car I don't care about. Why? Cause I'm pregnant. <br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>I peed my pants for the 8937089286th time.</li>
</ul>
It's frustrating and I'm sick of doing extra laundry. Plus, my 5 year old harasses and bullies me about it. <br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>A guy hit on me at the grocery store.</li>
</ul>
That is so freaking disgusting to me. A guy is really interested in hooking up with a girl who is pregnant with another man's baby? Ew, Gross. He was even wearing an Ed Hardy-esque shirt with rhinestones. What kind of world am I bringing a baby into?<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>My brother, Jake, and his girlfriend, Jenny, threw me a little birthday party. </li>
</ul>
It was so cute and unexpected. It was so nice of them. They made my favorite french dip sandwiches and got me cupcakes.<br />
<br />
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They bought me flowers and a <b><a href="http://dearpersonreadingthis.blogspot.com/2010/11/meat-stick.html" target="_blank">meat stick</a></b>. <br />
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AND a freaking Raptor skull because skulls make me happy.<br />
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<br />
It was so nice. Of course I cried.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>I can't see my pubes good enough to trim them.</li>
</ul>
What is my ob/gyn going to think? I want to be judged by the content of my character and not my pube situation. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
This is just a small sampling of all the stupid stuff I've cried about. Hopefully I'm not the only pregnant girl that does this.<br />
WWHHAAAHHH!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-13588025068729521812017-04-04T07:00:00.000-06:002017-04-04T07:00:14.177-06:00Valentines Day 2017: At Least I Tried<br />
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My mom always made holidays special for us as kids.<br />
<br />
I want to do the same for my little crotch muffins.<br />
One of my New Year's Resolutions was to put more of an effort in making special days awesome for them. Especially since I forgot T-Bag's birthday last year.<br />
<br />
<br />
I stayed up a solid 25 minutes after my bedtime decorating my house with stupid Valentine's day stuff. I only did it because kids love decorations.<br />
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<br />
I hate clutter so the fact that I put up decorations is a testament to how much I'm willing to sacrifice for my kid's happiness.<br />
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By the way, why do kids like decorations so much? It's freaking weird.<br />
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<br />
In my pregnancy induced stupidity, I thought it would be a good idea to leave a confetti trail on the carpet.<br />
I am an idiot.<br />
I sprinkled hundreds of tiny red glittery hearts down our entire hallway.<br />
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<br />
Don't ever do this. <br />
That picture does not illustrate the magnitude of glitter hearts that littered the hallway.<br />
<br />
I realized what a bad decision this was immediately after the boys woke up, ran through them 50 times, and scattered them throughout the entire freaking house.<br />
At least I tried.<br />
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After my late night decorating binge I started Valentines Day off right by making beautiful red pancakes for the boys.<br />
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<br />
The pancakes ended up looking more like raw hamburger patties, but my boys are used to my culinary failures.<br />
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At least I tried.<br />
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What I didn't fail at was the incredible heart-shaped peanut butter cookies I made later that night. That's the only thing I can make food-wise. cookies.<br />
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We had to go to Costco and because it was a day of dedicated to love, I let them do the thing they love most there. Jump in the pillow displays.<br />
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I'm sure the employees love it too.<br />
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I even made a bunch of paper hearts and hid them around the house for the kids to find.<br />
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<br />
<br />
I should of thought of this activity sooner. The kids loved it, and it kept them busy for 30 minutes which is a huge win in the parenting world.<br />
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I don't know if I can ever redeem myself for forgetting T-Bag's 2nd birthday, but at least I tried :)<br />
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<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-4155441812369538832017-03-29T19:04:00.000-06:002017-03-31T23:24:58.574-06:00Questionable Kids Shows On Netflix<br />
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I'm knocked up with my 3rd child. I hate being pregnant and am sick the entire 9/10 months.<br />
Because of this, I am apathetic about my kids TV consumption.<br />
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They have been watching SOOOOOO much TV these past <strike>weeks</strike> months.<br />
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I still feel like I am an awesome mom because every once and a while I make them watch shows about smart people stuff, like Bill Nye the Science Guy and Ultimate Animal Fights. I also let them out of their kennels once a week.<br />
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<br />
But.... we need to talk about Netflix.<br />
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I love Netflix. I love how cheap it is.<br />
We don't have cable or normal TV, so Netflix is all we use. <br />
I love that there a a ton of wholesome kids shows.<br />
<br />
I love that I can sit my kids in front of the TV for hours at a time without annoying commercial breaks.<br />
I don't need my kids to be bugging me to buy the latest sugar cereal and Nerf guns.<br />
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<br />
However, there are a few shows that I'm a little concerned about.<br />
Which is unfortunate since I am already concerned about my children in general.<br />
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<br />
Ryan knows how to turn on any show he wants by himself.<br />
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That explains why I walked out and saw a <u>talking cartoon butt</u> on the TV screen one day. <br />
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Now, I am a person that can appreciate a well illustrated butt.<br />
However, what I cannot appreciate, is my 5 year old appreciating cartoon butts. <br />
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The is a show actually called, <span style="font-size: large;">The Day My Butt Went Psycho</span>.<br />
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It's about a dude who is a junior butt fighter and his butt.... that went psycho.<br />
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The butt even has a name, and that name is Deuce.<br />
For those of you that are as well-versed in all things poop, Deuce is another name for the number 2.<br />
The number 2 is also a common nickname for poo. As in #1 is pee and #2 is poo.<br />
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<br />
So the butt's name, Deuce, means poop.<br />
It's actually pretty clever.<br />
But ultimately, I have way too much poop and butts in my life right now.<br />
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Then there is a little animated show called <span style="font-size: large;">StoryBots.</span><br />
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It's a cute show that is educational and fun.<br />
What concerns me is the freaking weird stuff that randomly pops up while you're watching it.<br />
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My kids were just hanging out, tryna learn about animals when this freaky camel song came on and creeped them out.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dypgCPZiOOtTxVLSK_k95Hotq8oC2QRF_RHpt4wF5w4hAwxQNy_uhJ6euyhcVYzl-O6VDW0Y-6MUGJI_USypA' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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Were you aware that camels made that sound? <br />
You can see it for yourself in Season 1 Episode 4: Animals and Emotions<br />
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I don't need extra creepy things keeping my kids up at night. They already have to deal with images of me throwing up and peeing my pants every day. <br />
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You may be surprised to find out that <span style="font-size: large;">Little Einsteins</span> is another show I have problems with. <br />
<br />
First of all, whoever thought of calling a kid show something with Einstein in it is brilliant.<br />
Who doesn't want their kid to be an Einstein?<br />
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One day I would like my kids to understand physics and do their hair super sexy.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Pd9L2ON6kZ4/WNxRfdNBOsI/AAAAAAAAPGQ/RBw2ygiW6EcrlixE8Vnec2B7aJ93pQ3MwCLcB/s1600/einstein.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Pd9L2ON6kZ4/WNxRfdNBOsI/AAAAAAAAPGQ/RBw2ygiW6EcrlixE8Vnec2B7aJ93pQ3MwCLcB/s1600/einstein.jpg" /></a></div>
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I was a fan of Little Einsteins until I saw how the red spaceship thing bounces around.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dwgqvEk5oV0R_vnvVGN5qGCRKtsusfZNpQX0mf67qZj8owQyCZGgA9-iLpY8CGBX76euBIu0xJZAP7ta2UXWQ' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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A boner shaped spring. That's how it bounces around. A boner spring.<br />
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You can watch this pseudo-porn in Season 1, Episode 5: Pirate's Treasure. <br />
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Oh, and there is a coloring page online if you want to cement that reality in your kid's head:<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QqEOHd1v60U/WNxT5H9lcZI/AAAAAAAAPGc/DUi1_veLnPYZmb0FF4he-FwWwwx79YkewCLcB/s1600/Rocket-Bounce-Back-in-Spring-with-Kangaroo-Little-Einstein-Coloring-Page-300x300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QqEOHd1v60U/WNxT5H9lcZI/AAAAAAAAPGc/DUi1_veLnPYZmb0FF4he-FwWwwx79YkewCLcB/s1600/Rocket-Bounce-Back-in-Spring-with-Kangaroo-Little-Einstein-Coloring-Page-300x300.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Print it at: <a href="http://www.coloringsky.com/little-einstein-marching-band-coloring-page/little-einstein-marching-band-coloring-page/" target="_blank">coloringsky.com</a></div>
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<br />
Or you could buy them this suggestive toy spaceship.<br />
I'm not here to judge you're parenting decisions.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VGdHrPvtbjI/WNxT5JJvDPI/AAAAAAAAPGg/dkDFbrAeAH83-mlHuZ67YhP_5m3Oh0mpwCLcB/s1600/spaceship.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VGdHrPvtbjI/WNxT5JJvDPI/AAAAAAAAPGg/dkDFbrAeAH83-mlHuZ67YhP_5m3Oh0mpwCLcB/s1600/spaceship.jpg" /></a></div>
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<br />
<br />
Anyway, I just want all you other negligent moms - who let their kids watch too much TV - to be warned about the potential dangers of Netflix. <br />
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Let's just focus on protecting the children.<br />
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<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-69652039056730883902017-03-15T10:04:00.004-06:002017-04-01T12:25:06.536-06:00Chucky Scratched Tyler's Balls<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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My 2 year old, T-Bag Tyler, is <b><i>not</i></b> a friend to all animals. </div>
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He loves dogs and cats more than anything, but cannot express his love through conventional ways.</div>
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(I never claimed to be a good parent.)</div>
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One of his favorite hobbies is harassing our little cat, Chucky.</div>
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Tail-pulling, picking up by the neck, and laying on top of the cat are among T-Bags favorite moves. </div>
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One time, he put the cat in the garbage can. </div>
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There is a high correlation between treating animals badly during childhood and becoming a serial killer as an adult. </div>
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I don't want to think about that though. </div>
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**Deep Breath**</div>
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Tyler is my son and I love him. </div>
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**Exhale**</div>
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Our cat is so nice, patient, and docile.</div>
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He has never retaliated no matter the amount of abuse he receives. It's very weird. </div>
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I sometimes wish Chucky would hurt Tyler back so Tyler would learn his lesson. </div>
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In early December, Tyler learned a lesson. </div>
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Chucky likes to sit on the edge of the bathtub while the boys take a bath. </div>
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By the way, the green bathwater is from a bath bomb and not because my kids are that dirty.... even though they are that dirty.</div>
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T-bag decided to pull the cat into the water. </div>
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The cat freaked out and clawed his way out of the tub, unintentionally scratching Tyler on the way. </div>
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Tyler screamed. His legs were bleeding. </div>
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I was like, WTF is happening in my life. </div>
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Tyler kept crying about his balls, so after I calmed him down I checked out his wounds and HOLY FREAKING CRAP.</div>
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There was a slice in the middle of his bean bag. </div>
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I must have stared at it, horrified, for a solid 5 minutes. </div>
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No parenting classes or books ever prepped me for when my kids nuts get mangled. </div>
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A piece of ball-sack skin was dangling off him like tissue paper in the wind. </div>
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Seriously. What do you do?</div>
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Bandaid? No. </div>
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Stiches? Double no.</div>
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Super Glue? Possibly. </div>
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I ended up putting a ton of antibiotic ointment on it and slapped on his diaper. </div>
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He walked like a cowboy the rest of the night.</div>
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His ball sack turned purple with bruising the next day and stayed like that for over a week. </div>
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Tyler insisted on wearing an ace bandage over his diaper for a few days. </div>
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I didn't blame him. </div>
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I would want some extra protection around my sliced balls too.</div>
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T-bag wouldn't let me take a picture of him in his ace bandage diaper so I had to lie and say I needed a picture of the nutcracker and snowflakes for Christmas.</div>
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I didn't realize, until just now, how mean it was to make him pose with a nutcracker while his own nuts were on the mend.</div>
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Oh yeah, If you are reading this just to find out how to make huge snowflakes, I apologize if you had to read about my kid's testicles.<br />
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It's super easy and the kids loved helping me make them.<br />
All you do is use huge pieces of butcher paper and cut out a snowflake like you normally would. Duh.<br />
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Easy and the results are pretty fancy. <br />
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Oh yeah. A little over a month until Baby Girl is born. I can't decide if I'm more excited to hold a newborn or just not be pregnant anymore!!!!<br />
I love newborns but I <i>really</i> love not being pregnant. <br />
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<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-21421959205959200012017-03-07T16:20:00.001-07:002017-03-07T20:44:04.706-07:00Our White Trash Thanksgiving <br />
March seems like a great month to start blogging again. I'm 8 months pregnant with kid #3 and I only puke 2-3 times a day, so things are really coming together for me.<br />
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Please excuse my out-of-order and extremely late blog topics for the next little while. <br />
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We had plans to spend Thanksgiving dinner at my parents house with a few of my siblings and their families.<br />
After living out of Utah for 10 years, having family around for the holidays is great. Mostly because they make me food. <br />
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Then I found out my morally questionable sister Rachel was bringing a few of her "friends".<br />
Though I adore Rachel, she does not have the best taste in friends as they are always trashy and ethically challenged.<br />
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One of her last friends stole my Microsoft Surface Tablet from my house and tried to pawn it. It was awesome. I never got it back. I really need to take the time to write an entire post dedicated to that douche bag because the whole story is unbelievable (if you are a normal law-abiding citizen).<br />
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Either way, Rachel picks bad people to befriend and then brings them around our family. I really don't need myself, my kids, or my wallet anywhere near people like that.<br />
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I decided to kindly ditch out of my parents dinner invite. So did 2 of my brothers for the same reason. <br />
It wasn't that big of a deal though. My parents understand, they locked up their wallets too.<br />
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I knew that with my natural class and hostessing skills I could have my own Thanksgiving dinner and it would be enchanting.<br />
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Ryan was really excited about the idea of cooking an entire turkey carcass, so I was basically obligated to buy an entire turkey for 2 adults and 2 small children.<br />
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Ryan was in heaven. He insisted on sitting by it in the cart.<br />
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And look what my little angel made at school:<br />
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Ryan also made a culturally appropriated headband and dubbed himself Chief Turkey Pants:<br />
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I'm glad he has a teacher who allows him to express himself.<br />
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On Thanksgiving day we went and saw a movie with my side of the family. I thought I would be all motherly and make the devil children and their cousins a pinterest-y treat.<br />
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Popcorn in a paper bag made to look like a turkey leg. Precious.<br />
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And it was especially precious since the butter leaked through and made it look authentically greasy.<br />
The kids loved it.<br />
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We got home and started cooking.<br />
Ryan and I made rolls.<br />
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Tyler dressed up like a rapist.<br />
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Husband cooked everything else. Don't be jealous my husband cooks :)<br />
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Ryan set the table super fancy:<br />
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He used our fancy black paper plates and was really proud of himself for it. <br />
He only set 3 place settings, because he said I don't need to eat since I throw up everything anyway and that we shouldn't waste good food like that. <br />
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Despite the white trashiness of our celebration the boys were happy and that's all I care about anyway.<br />
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A few days later when the kids broke the wishbone, Ryan won and wished all the adults in the world had to wear diapers and poop and pee themselves every day. cute.<br />
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By the way, have you ever seen a turkey neck? Because I never have, and when Jared pulled it out of the body I thought our turkey had come with a free sex toy... which I wasn't mad about. <br />
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I hope you all had a Thanksgiving as magical as mine was.<br />
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<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-61141536583413599892017-01-09T09:46:00.001-07:002017-01-09T09:46:23.407-07:00I'm Grosser Than Normal and It's Because I'm Knocked Up<br />
I haven't blogged in a couple of months because I am a huge disgusting mess. <br />
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Disclaimer:<br />
Let me just start off by saying how grateful I am that I get to have another baby. I know a lot of people who can't get pregnant or have to pay thousands of dollars for fertility treatments. <br />
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I know it's horribly dumb to be complaining about being pregnant.<br />
But I just feel like the readers of this blog have an exceptionally good sense of humor and forgive me of my pettiness. <br />
Despite my rants, I know I'm lucky and am super grateful for the relentless hell that is pregnancy.<br />
<br />
<br />
K.<br />
Let's talk some pregnancy trash.<br />
<br />
<br />
Usually it takes Jared and I a while to get pregnant, so I was surprised that after banging for a month, I was already knocked up.<br />
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<br />
I thought I had a solid 6 months - 1 year of non-pregnant bliss.<br />
<br />
I don't understand the women who love being pregnant.<br />
And I especially hate the girls who look extra glow-y and beautiful for those 9 months.<br />
<br />
I am a nasty troll when I'm with child.<br />
My whole body becomes a petri dish of disgusting-ness.<br />
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<br />
<ul>
<li>I vomit like it's my job. </li>
</ul>
I lost 9 pounds in 2 weeks from throwing up so much. The first 3 months I lost 14 pounds. I looked like a dying sallow-skinned sea turtle.<br />
I carry around Ziploc bags so I can puke on the go.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>My adult acne gets offended by all the extra hormones and brings it's wrath upon my face.</li>
</ul>
I have always broken out worse during pregnancy, but this time it's amazingly worse. I look like I have Syphilis and I am not amused. I already feel gross from throwing up all the time, I don't need extra zits right now. <br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Pretty much every time I puke, I also pee my pants a little bit. </li>
</ul>
It's so classy and I love doing the extra laundry.<br />
Some days when I throw up more than usual, I don't even change my pants inbetween pees. I just let it ride because I know I'll be peeing in them again in the next 30 min.<br />
<br />
You are probably thinking how I am one of the grossest girls ever, and you would be right. <br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>I am nasty in public. </li>
</ul>
I was at the post office right before Christmas. There was a long line of about 25 people. I was halfway through the line, when I had to whip out my Ziploc bag and puke into it. I wasn't about to lose my place in line so I just vomited/peed in front of everyone, zipped up the throw up, and stayed in line like nothing happened.<br />
<br />
<br />
I also have to confess that my kids have watched more TV in the last couple of months than they have watched their entire lives, and I don't even care.<br />
I've got more important things to worry about, like doing kegal exercises in a vain attempt to stop peeing my pants. <br />
<br />
Oh yeah, I'm due May 3, 2017 <span style="font-size: large;">it's a girl.</span><br />
And I know she is going to be the worst thing ever and a total ho, because Karma.<br />
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<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-8182768257075984362016-11-17T07:00:00.000-07:002016-11-17T07:00:02.998-07:005 Problems I Have At McDonald's Playplace<br />
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<br />
I would write an intro to this post, but I'm feeling a little rebellious.<br />
Anyway, here are some of the problems I have everytime I take my kids to McDonald's. <br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">1.</span> Getting kids to eat their food before they play.<br />
<br />
When I was a snot-nosed kid and there was an extra special occasion, my parents rewarded us with a trip to McDonald's.<br />
They didn't love us enough to buy us happy meals.<br />
Actually, it probably had more to do with the fact that there were 7 kids in our family and $50 worth of happy meals didn't sound like a fun way of spending money.<br />
<br />
We had to eat everything we ordered before we could play. <br />
I thought my parents were such jerk-offs for this. <br />
<br />
I swore to my 10 year old self, that I would never be such a jerk-off to my kids. never.<br />
<br />
Fast forward 22 years, and I'm sitting here in McDonald's at 6:45pm verbally threatening my children to eat all their food or we will leave without playing and I'm not joking around one bit mister.<br />
<br />
Funny thing is, all the other bad mom's here are having the same threat session with their little angels. <br />
I just made eye contact with one and we nodded to each other in mean mom solidarity.<br />
<br />
You know how you make mom friends just by a single look that acknowledges the struggle is real? <br />
Yeah, we did that. And now her and I are BFFs.<br />
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<br />
<br />
I don't know her name and will probs never see her again but we are still best friends.<br />
<br />
I rewarded her by taking a creepy picture when she wasn't looking so I can scrapbook it.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">2</span>. When a bunch of teenagers come in to play.<br />
<br />
I am all for teenagers having their fun. Just not around a bunch of small hyper children.<br />
Someone is going to get hurt. (I can't believe I just typed that.)<br />
<br />
Everyone knows: If you have pubes, you can't play on the Playplace.<br />
They obviously didn't read the rules.<br />
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<br />
<br />
These cute girls rolled into the Playplace and chaos ensued.<br />
They were running around and screaming louder than the kids were.<br />
I helped them take a group pic under the condition that I may also take a picture and talk trash about them on my mom-blog.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">3.</span> Finding used Band-aids.<br />
<br />
Remember <b><a href="http://dearpersonreadingthis.blogspot.com/2015/05/utah-mcdonalds.html">this</a></b>?<br />
I still find used band-aids all the time. <br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">4.</span> Every time a little girl screams I think it's my 5 year old boy.<br />
<br />
One time, a shrill scream came from the slide. A dad who was there with his 3 girls got annoyed, yelled out for the screaming to stop.<br />
Right then, Precious little Ryan crawls out of the slide, shrieking, like a girl with huge grin on his face.<br />
#proudmommy<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">5.</span> Dirty black feet.<br />
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<br />
It's filthy there. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I really should just stop taking my kids there.</span><br />
<br />
But we all know I won't, because now McDonald's sells breakfast all day and I regularly make bad parenting decisions.<br />
Oh yeah, McDonald's has free wifi too. <br />
<br />
And I like when my hair and clothes smells like fried animal giblets after we leave. <3<br />
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<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-22000954974530326782016-10-19T06:30:00.000-06:002016-10-20T10:40:22.896-06:00A Few Things I'm Mildly Upset About<br />
I was an angry teenager.<br />
Just look at this picture of me when I was 15:<br />
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<br />
I was probably thinking about killing small animals and how dark I should dye my hair next.<br />
Even my freckles were angry. <br />
<br />
As an adult, I'm more mature. I'm classier.<br />
Now I try to avoid confrontation by flipping people off when they aren't looking or writing trash about them in my diary.<br />
<br />
Dear Diary,<br />
My brother Jake is an A-hole. He never invites me over for dinner.<br />
He makes me soooo mad!!!!<br />
Well, I have to go now, my mom made dinner and is calling me!<br />
<3,<br />
emily<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I rarely have the urge to <b><a href="http://dearpersonreadingthis.blogspot.com/2009/03/crime-and-punishment-part-i.html">punch people in the crotch</a></b> anymore. <br />
<br />
Don't worry though. I still get plenty angry about some things. It's just that these days I'm a lot more chill. Mostly I get mildly upset. <br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Here are some things that I'm mildly upset about lately:</span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>People who do not respect your personal space.</li>
</ul>
When I am waiting in a line I always stand back to give the person in front of me space because that is what considerate human beings do.<br />
I was waiting in line yesterday at Cafe Rio and some lady behind me stayed so close to me that she practically molested me. My butt was very offended by the constant touching and caressing.<br />
If you are a close stander, you and I can never be friends.<br />
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<ul>
<li>The current eyebrow trend.</li>
</ul>
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I can't deal with this.<br />
It's weird and it bugs me.<br />
Why would you fade your eyebrows into your skin? I already have a huge space there and I don't need to accentuate it.<br />
<br />
BTW, the reason I know I have a large gap between my brows is because years ago I was arguing with a dude and he got mad and pointed it out. Then I couldn't stop laughing and we became friends. <br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Sparkle Jeans.</li>
</ul>
I want to understand them but I just can't.<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>My addiction to stupid Lipsense.</li>
</ul>
I'm such a lipstick whore and already have 7843 other tubes of lip stuff.<br />
Why do I need a bunch of this brand? Because it's awesome and stays on all day. It makes me happy in ways I can't explain.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
But still.<br />
wtf.<br />
No one needs this much lipstick. <br />
Except me, apparently.<br />
<br />
I even <i><b><a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/384565321931048/">sell this stuff</a></b></i>. I need to settle down. <br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>That I bought a slip'n'slide for the chillun' and forgot to let them play on it and now summer is over and they are whining at me.</li>
</ul>
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<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>People who sneeze extra loud on purpose. </li>
</ul>
It scares everyone around them. Shut up loud sneezers, you are acting like fools.<br />
I'm looking at you, Grandpa. <br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>When public places don't have baby changing tables available.</li>
</ul>
Do you know how hard it is to change a poop diaper while your kid is standing up?<br />
Well, it's really hard and really gross. And sometimes it gets on the floor.<br />
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<br />
<br />
And if any gets on the floor, I will not clean it up, because I am a horrible person, but also to teach that facility a lesson.<br />
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<br />
<ul>
<li>Trump v. Clinton</li>
</ul>
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<br />
These two are the nominees? This is what we have to choose between? Is this real life?<br />
I need to go into the woods for a while and sort my feelings out.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Let's take a moment of silence for all the stuff that pisses us off a little bit.<br />
<br />
I feel so much better. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-20053717133405937922016-10-17T07:00:00.000-06:002016-11-05T11:37:58.170-06:00Why You Should Stop Folding Your Laundry<br />
Folding laundry is for overachievers. So it's not for me.<br />
I like to operate in the margins and do things a little different.....and I hate folding...... and I'm lazy. <br />
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<br />
Sexy computer babe, Bill Gates, said it best:<br />
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<br />
<br />
I'm a clean freak so I wash my kids clothes, pajamas, blankets, and finger-less Micheal Jackson gloves every time they wear them. Even if they only wore it for a couple of hours.<br />
Kids are gross.<br />
<br />
I don't need dirty clothes fouling up my clean house.<br />
<br />
And, I really don't like smelling boogers, dirt, and boy sweat.<br />
I like when they smell like toxic chemicals like bleach, detergent, and fabric softener.<br />
<br />
That's right. I routinely sniff my children.<br />
<br />
I know this compulsion creates more laundry for me, but I am too messed up in the head to stop the washing madness.<br />
<br />
Washing and drying the clothes is no big deal. <br />
It's the folding that cramps my mom-ing style.<br />
<br />
<br />
I hate folding laundry because:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>It's sooooo boring.</li>
</ul>
I don't have a long attention span for mindless monotony. Never mind, I just remembered I look at Facebook and Pinterest all the time.<br />
What I meant was that I don't have a long attention span for boring stuff.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>I hate it.</li>
</ul>
I just stand at the counter for an hour and fold crap.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>It's annoying.</li>
</ul>
The laundry is never truly done. It's annoying because every time you think you are caught up, your 2 year old pisses out of his diaper in the middle of the night and now you have to do more laundry.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>It gets ruined by my kids. </li>
</ul>
I make my spawns put their own laundry away because I want to teach them a lesson. And that lesson is - Mommy hates putting laundry away so you have to or I will destroy everything you love.<br />
<br />
Inevitably, one the them drops and entire stack on the way and everything I worked so hard for is ruined.<br />
Then those little punks scurry through their drawers like rats and unfold everything. I know my fellow mom's feel my pain on this one.<br />
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<br />
<ul>
<li>It's stupid.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>I'm an adult and don't have to fold laundry if I don't want to. So there's that.</li>
</ul>
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A few years ago I realized that folding clothes is not necessary. You can still live a happy and fulfilled life if your undies are in wads and your shirts are shoved in a bin.<br />
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I still sort all the clothes so they are easy to find.<br />
I'm non-nonchalant about folding but a little obsessive when it comes to organization.<br />
Every clothing type has a designated space.<br />
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I bought a bunch of hooks to hang the kids nicer shirts and jackets on.<br />
I got them at the Container Store and they are ridiculously useful. Hooks are so easy even T-Bag Tyler can hang up his shirts. <br />
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You know what else?<br />
I refuse to iron anything except my hair.<br />
Downy makes an enchanting product called wrinkle release and it actually works.<br />
Spray that stuff on and you are good to go.<br />
And it smells clean and fresh.<br />
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By the way, Husband does his own laundry, which is braggable.<br />
He builds me furniture like a man and washes his own clothing like a woman. He also puts the toilet seat down.<br />
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He is so romantic.<br />
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These actions make up for the time when he bought me that <b><a href="http://dearpersonreadingthis.blogspot.com/2015/03/apology-dongflowers.html">apology dong.</a></b> <br />
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If I was strong enough to stop folding, then so are you. (Unless you honestly enjoy folding, in that case you fold your little heart out. I respect your laundry decisions.)<br />
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It's time to make a stand against the establishment. Stick it to the Man and stop folding laundry. They can't control you anymore.<br />
You can be lazy about laundry if you really put your mind to it.<br />
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YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS. <br />
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Good luck comrade.<br />
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<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-63564746787342129502016-10-12T12:28:00.000-06:002016-10-12T12:28:21.781-06:00Shark Floor Steamer Is Just OK<br />
Meh.<br />
Whatever.<br />
Nothing Special.<br />
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-My thoughts on the Shark Steam Mop<br />
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My habitual cleaning addiction had me dreaming of a floor steamer FOR-EV-ERRR.<br />
I would fantasize about sparkling clean floors and how I would roll around on them naked. (Then clean them again, obviously because of swass.)<br />
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While skipping around Walmart I spotted the <a href="https://www.walmart.com/ip/Shark-Steam-Mop/8065570">Shark Steam Mop <b>on sale for $40</b>.</a><br />
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I was stoked that the cleaning gods bestowed this gift upon me. <br />
I smacked my lips and may have drooled a little bit. Don't Judge me.<br />
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Plus, look how happy the model looks holding the product in her manicured hand:<br />
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So I get it home, and after the kids go to bed I put it together.<br />
It was really easy to assemble, but since I'm secretly a 12 year old boy I get distracted easily.<br />
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After I popped my zits, painted my toenails, ate some tootsie rolls and skittles from my candy cabinet, and pet the cat, I finally started steaming my floor.<br />
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One thing you should know if you are cleaning with a steamer for the first time:<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">You are a gross, disgusting excuse for a human. And I hope you're proud of yourself. </span><br />
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I thought I kept my floor extremely clean, but then I steamed it and realized my failures as a housewife and a female in general. <br />
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Steamers will remove dirt you didn't even know existed.<br />
This is just one more area of my life where I'm nasty. great.<br />
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As far as the Shark Steam Mop goes, it was just ok.<br />
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You have to go over the same spot 4-6 times before it's completely clean. And you have to go slow so the steam can work.<br />
I bet I could get my floors just as clean if I used a normal mop and painstakingly went over everything 6 times.<br />
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And it's small so it took me an entire night and most of the next day to clean my floors.<br />
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I guess for $40 I can't complain that much. It got the job done.<br />
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But I wouldn't recommend it anyone unless I hated them and wanted them to spend a lot of time cleaning. <br />
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<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6708757985910174226.post-22423380448214522692016-10-10T10:04:00.000-06:002016-10-10T10:10:58.003-06:00My Kid Is Bad In Kindergarten<br />
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Little Cryin Ryan is growing up.<br />
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He started school last month.<br />
I didn't even cry.<br />
Just kidding, I cried once, then had a pity party for myself complete with a 5lb bag of gummi bears.<br />
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We went to the Back To School night to check out where I would be abandoning my child. <br />
His teacher, Mrs. Wilson is super cute and around my age, I assume.<br />
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She had pieces of paper that parents could pick one to help donate supplies to the classroom.<br />
Each paper had a certain item listed.<br />
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I took 4.<br />
The teacher was like, "you don't have to take 4! 1 is more than enough. Most parents don't even take one!"<br />
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And because I usually do whatever I want, I was like, "I'll take 4, it's no big deal. Plus, I need to compensate for the fact that you have to have Ryan in your class for a year."<br />
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I went to Costco and bought a huge amount of tissues, paper cups, paper plates, and paper towels.<br />
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When I dropped everything off, I noticed that she still had a bunch of the slips of paper hanging out. I insisted that I grab a couple more.<br />
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When I dropped the second load of suck-up supplies off, Mrs. Wilson was really grateful. Once again, I mentioned that fact that Ryan can be a handful and I'm trying to make up for it.<br />
She laughed like I was joking.<br />
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But I wasn't joking at all. <br />
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I try to volunteer in Ryan's classroom once in a while.<br />
I was obliviously helping kids paint when I looked over and saw this:<br />
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Ryan was on the RED.<br />
That little A-hole.<br />
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Only 2 kids were on RED and one of them belonged to me.<br />
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I couldn't believe it.<br />
Just kidding again. I could totally believe it.<br />
Why else would I spend $75 on school crap for their classroom?<br />
I knew this was going to happen. <br />
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I talked to Ryan. Turns out he is well-aware that he misbehaves. At least he takes responsibility.<br />
I grounded him from his Kindle.<br />
Then I realized that was more of a punishment for me, so I grounded him from his friends and made him write a sorry letter.<br />
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If your kids are little punks, you can make them write apology letters! Look at this convenient free font: <b><a href="http://www.dafont.com/kg-primary-dots.font">KG Primary Dots from dafont.com</a></b><br />
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The next week Ryan stayed in the middle on GREEN for a solid 3 days.<br />
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But as of Friday, he is on RED again.<br />
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He said it was because he was talking to a girl about the bad-guy clowns "trying to kill everyone."<br />
Fair enough. That's a serious topic for a child.<br />
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I told him it wasn't true and if it was true then it would be on the news.<br />
Then my dumb-A turned on KSL 1160 and guess what they were talking about?.... the freaking clowns.<br />
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Thanks a lot KSL.<br />
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What I want to know is, is it ethically wrong to tell your kid that killer clowns only hurt kids when their clips get moved to RED?<br />
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I'm on the fence on this one.<br />
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<br />emily barlocker scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17931860734343610968noreply@blogger.com