No One Likes Knee Shorts

Today I was walking down a long sidewalk at Cal State University. As I passed by a 20-something black dude, he called me an "Ugly White B*tch".......... seriously.
I assume my knee length shorts really offended him.

Now I have been called the B-word plenty of times in my day, but never unprovoked. And though my knee length shorts are pretty ugly, they do not warrant that kind of language. Usually this would have caused me to bust out my most refreshingly witty insults, but as he was a big black dude and I am just an ugly white girl, I just agreed and kept walking.


I hate knee shorts just as much as the next black guy. But I hate people looking at my upper thighs even more. I especially hate when you sit down and your fat squeezes out to the sides and you know in your heart that everyone in the room is thinking about how fat your thighs look.
They are also an essential part of my Mormon girl wardrobe.

So whatever, angry black guy, I will wear knee shorts whenever I feel like it.

Touchdown Jesus

This majestic southwestern Ohio landmark was destroyed recently. Touchdown Jesus will no longer be greeting angry people driving along Interstate 75.
Having driven past it 3 times a week during my stay in Dayton, I am slightly disturbed by this information.



I'm pretty sure this was how it happened:

1. Behold approximately $300,000 was given to be spent upon a 64 stone tall likeness of Jesus. And a massive cross was laid beside to give the likeness an added contemporary flair.
2. And they named it Touchdown Jesus.
3. And the drivers were happy as they dwelt in their cars along Interstate 75, momentarily forgiving other drivers abominations as they looked upon Touchdown Jesus.
4. And it came to pass that God wasn't a huge fan of the monument and thought the Solid Rock Church was full of iniquity. Therefore a terrorist attack from heaven was planned. Lightning was sent from the heavens causing the statue to be engulfed in the fiery flames of wrath.
5. And there was great mourning among the Ohioan people. And there was weeping and wailing and sad posts on the peoples blogs.
6. And the church no longer spent their gold and other fine things on useless weird statues. And the Ohioan people were scared to sin. amen.

Open Letter of Apology

Dear Person(s) I have Mooned,

I know images of my white bum have littered many of your minds. Now I am older and more aware of the shattered dreams caused by my constant adolescent mooning.

To my entire childhood ward and neighborhood, I am sorry that I felt mooning was the funniest thing ever, even though it kind of is.
Every so often I am reminded by an old friend of my offensive behavior. I now realize that every emotion does not warrant a moon. I also understand that giant magnifying glasses are not an open invitation for mooning.


This girl, who goes by Larry or Jewel, was a major influence in my mooning career. Being the outcasts of the Copper Hills High soccer team, we felt that exposing our cheeks was the only was to gain the respect we deserved. Multiple double dares and her willingness to participate only fueled the madness. While driving to different schools to play soccer, the team would reserve the back seats for Larry/Jewel and myself. Her and I mooning out the back windows really got the team pumped up. I will not even mention the shenanigans of soccer camp. (But I will post of picture....naturally.)



Either way, I now know the error of my ways. I quit mooning cold turkey and have not mooned anyone for months.
I hope all of you that had to endure my calls for attention will forgive me.

That is all, emily

P.S. Melinda, sorry for mooning you at the bus stop that one time. amen.