Blogging Again! Maybe!

Hey Everyone!
Sorry I haven't blogged for so long!!!!!!!
I know you cry a little bit inside when you cant read my motivating blog posts regularly.

I've taken a long hiatus from blogging because I've been focusing on myself.
I have been working on becoming a kinder, more spiritual person than I once was.

Just Kidding!

If anything, I'm a lot worse than I used to be.
I have 3 kids now.
Let's be Honest.... I'm barely keeping it together.




I didn't know that after the third kid, your laundry pile grows exponentially.

I also miscalculated the amount of time it would take to get three kids in a freaking car.

Any of you that have read DPRT from the beginning know that I am a chronic under-achiever.
Like, look at me right now.
I'm sitting on my couch at 3am on a Friday night.
No, I didn't go to any parties or hang out with friends.

I only have like, 4 friends anyway. And they are all like me.
Anti-social.

I'm talking about Lisa and Marianne specifically...
You too, Steph...

A solid text message every month is all I need to keep a friendship strong.

I sometimes stay up late at nigjt because this is the only time I can hang out with myself.
I am a girl who needs alone time.

I love my kids. I love my husband. And I kind of like my cat.

But I also kind of like writing offensive blogs.
So maybe I'll make more time for that.
And who knows.... maybe I'll even start showering regularly again.

Don't cross your fingers.

(Innapropriate) Maternity Photos: Part II

READ PART I HERE!


I'm still obsessed with how pretty my maternity dress was.
 

I just can't seem to feel attractive when I'm throwing up, peeing my pants, and chronically constipated.
BUT, my photographer, Ashley, captured incredible pics that made me feel more beautiful than I ever have felt during a pregnancy.
(BTW, her instagram is magical: ashbridgewater.jpg)

I didn't want to take the dress off.
(The dress was made by Sew Trendy which is also magical. Don't be mad my high school friend owns the company.)

So I came up with a few more ideas to complete the photo shoot.

Ashley is a consummate professional but agreed to document my bad decisions.

I really don't know what to say about the following pictures.

We went to a famed Utah strip club off State Street.
I took a couple pics outside, because I didn't think the club managers would actually let me in to take pictures.

 It's amazing how good the photographs are considering Ashley and I couldn't stop laughing.


We walked inside and asked the super nice and super hot receptionist if I could embarrass myself.

She got the manager for us.

He was laughing super hard about my idea and said I could even get on a stage if I wanted.

WHAT?!?!

It's always been a childhood dream of mine to be a pregnant stripper in a fancy dress.

I guess Tuesdays are slow for strip clubs because there weren't that many guys there.
Which was totally fine since I already paid my bills that month.

Before I went in, I was a little worried the girls who worked there would be a little mad about me for basically making fun of their jobs.

Instead, the girls were totally laughing at the idea and helped us as much as they could.

They aren't dumb. They treat stripping as a means to an end and have no problem poking a little fun at it.

They gave me posing tips (even though I still look awkward af) and the burly 40-somthing-year-old bouncer fixed my gown so it would be especially beautiful.

 I try not to judge people but I really didn't expect all the girls and staff to be so funny, nice, and helpful.
Thanks pretty Salt Lake City strippers.


Next stop was one of my most favorite places in the world.

Taco Bell💗

Taco Bell was pretty much the only thing I ate this whole pregnancy. Baby #3 is practically made out of chicken chalupas and nachos with extra cheese, so I wanted to honor that.

 By the way, not only is Ashley Bridgewater a good photographer, but is also an excellent burrito eater. She was probably pretty popular in high school.

I really wanted my maternity photos to tell a story.
Something like, girl is pregnant, girl gets fancy dress, girl go to strip club, girl is hungry, girl eats chalupas, girl pees behind dumpster.

Do you know how hard it is to keep a straight face when you are laughing at how clever you are?

By the way, can I just say that I am so flattered and grateful that anyone reads my blog? Making people smile, laugh, or get seriously offended, fulfills me in ways you can't imagine.
So really. Thanks for reading.





P.S. If you are offended by anything here, please email me at emilybarlocker@yahoo.com so I can show my friends and save it in my "funny stuff" folder.

 Also I got a few other suggestions for the photo shoot, one having to do with a hanger and shop vac, so really, this could of been a lot worse. (You know who you are person that thought of that 💗.)

Why You Should Stop Folding Your Laundry

Folding laundry is for overachievers. So it's not for me.
I like to operate in the margins and do things a little different.....and I hate folding...... and I'm lazy. 


Sexy computer babe, Bill Gates, said it best:

I'm a clean freak so I wash my kids clothes, pajamas, blankets, and finger-less Micheal Jackson gloves every time they wear them. Even if they only wore it for a couple of hours.
Kids are gross.

I don't need dirty clothes fouling up my clean house.

And, I really don't like smelling boogers, dirt, and boy sweat.
I like when they smell like toxic chemicals like bleach, detergent, and fabric softener.

That's right. I routinely sniff my children.

I know this compulsion creates more laundry for me, but I am too messed up in the head to stop the washing madness.

Washing and drying the clothes is no big deal.
It's the folding that cramps my mom-ing style.


I hate folding laundry because:

• It's sooooo boring.

I don't have a long attention span for mindless monotony. Never mind, I just remembered I look at Facebook and Pinterest all the time.
What I meant was that I don't have a long attention span for boring stuff.

• I hate it.

I just stand at the counter for an hour and fold crap.

• It's annoying.

The laundry is never truly done. It's annoying because every time you think you are caught up, your 2 year old pisses out of his diaper in the middle of the night and now you have to do more laundry.

• It gets ruined by my kids. 

I make my spawns put their own laundry away because I want to teach them a lesson. And that lesson is - Mommy hates putting laundry away so you have to or I will destroy everything you love.

Inevitably, one the them drops and entire stack on the way and everything I worked so hard for is ruined.
Then those little punks scurry through their drawers like rats and unfold everything. I know my fellow mom's feel my pain on this one.

 

• It's stupid.

• I'm an adult and don't have to fold laundry if I don't want to. So there's that.

A few years ago I  realized that folding clothes is not necessary. You can still live a happy and fulfilled life if your undies are in wads and your shirts are shoved in a bin.

I still sort all the clothes so they are easy to find.
I'm non-nonchalant about folding but a little obsessive when it comes to organization.
Every clothing type has a designated space.

I bought a bunch of hooks to hang the kids nicer shirts and jackets on.
I got them at the Container Store and they are ridiculously useful. Hooks are so easy even T-Bag Tyler can hang up his shirts.

You know what else?
I refuse to iron anything except my hair.
Downy makes an enchanting product called wrinkle release and it actually works.
Spray that stuff on and you are good to go.
And it smells clean and fresh.

By the way, Husband does his own laundry, which is braggable.
He builds me furniture like a man and washes his own clothing like a woman. He also puts the toilet seat down.

He is so romantic.


These actions make up for the time when he bought me that apology dong.



If I was strong enough to stop folding, then so are you. (Unless you honestly enjoy folding, in that case you fold your little heart out. I respect your laundry decisions.)

It's time to make a stand against the establishment. Stick it to the Man and stop folding laundry. They can't control you anymore.
You can be lazy about laundry if you really put your mind to it.

YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS.

Good luck comrade.

Why Wiggle Bikes Piss Me Off A Little Bit

I bought my little angles wiggles bikes for Christmas 2015.

I got them on a sweet sale. 2 bikes for $50. I was happy since I was going to buy them anyway, but the universe knows how much discounts mean to me and blessed me with this sale.

The boys LOVE the bikes.

Actually everyone loves these bikes, including my 60-something year old father in-law.
 

We went to a skate park with sis-in-law Stephanie and her kids to see if anyone could survive.
There were multiple close calls.

I didn't take pictures of all the boys there. I was too busy trying not to let my heart drop out of my butt 10 times.

The kids had no fear + they are dumb = Boy-momming is nerve racking at the skate park.

I'm glad we brought their helmets.

The worst thing to happen was that one year old Noah slurped up some tepid water from an old puddle and vomited 3 times the next day.
Luckily he is alive and well.

Noah routinely eats dirt, pine cones, and berries he finds on the ground so I think he is somewhat immune to disease.

Even though wiggles bikes are cool, they also piss me of a little bit.

Kids drag their feet while riding them and it completely ruins their shoes. 

My kids jacked up 3 pairs of nice shoes before I caught on. 



I learned my lesson about buying nice kids shoes. 

Now both my boys have designated "wiggle bike shoes", complete with duct tape for a little white trash flair. 

  

Anyway, don't let your kids ride wiggle bikes unless they are wearing crappy shoes. 

4th of July Penis Show

Mmmmmkay.
You know how a few post ago I talked some mad trash about people who apologize for not blogging regularly?
Well, let's pretend that didn't happen.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for my overgrown ombre highlights.
I'm sorry for my knee-short tan lines.
I'm sorry for laughing when my kids swear and,
I'm sorry for being a non-consistent blogger.



Mostly I haven't blog in a few weeks because lazy.
I'm so lazy I can't even correct the "blog" in my last sentence to "blogged."
But also because so many life-changing things have occurred in my vicinity. All of which I will blog about for my children to re-visit in the future.


Look how patriotic I made my fireplace area:

Unfortunately, That's as fancy as it gets here at the Scott residence.

My absolutely inappropriate bother (typo stays), Matthew, celebrated our nations Independence by showing his dick.

Happy Birthday America.

We had a big family farty (this typo also stays) up at my parents house.
The food was amazing, weather was perfect, and we were all bonding so hard.

My little sis, Fegan, who I will now refer to as Megan since we get along now, just had a baby.
She is an ardent breast-feeding rights activist and so is the new baby.

About 16 adults were there and most of the family were seated in the huge living room.

My dad, brothers, and grandpa were just trying to live their lives.

That's when Megan flopped out her huge boob in front of everyone and fed the baby.

While I don't really have a problem with public breastfeeding, I do find it really awkward and weird to do it around men in the family. Actually men in general.


My brothers felt the same uncomfortable-ness that I would be feeling in their shoes.


Megan has busted her tits out a bunch of times. That's why when I arrived and wanted to see the baby I first yelled into everyone, "I want to see the baby... wait, Megan, are your tits out?.... k, never mind."

My brother Matthew is the type of guy who recently told me he loves having diarrhea and also farted in another man's mouth.

Annoyed by Megan's blatant bare boobs, Matthew whipped his dick out for everyone to see.

I'm gonna go ahead and say that again:

Matthew whipped his dick out for everyone to see.

He thought that if she's showing her private parts to everyone, he might as well too.

I was gratefully not there to witness the x-rated show, but I almost peed my pants laughing when I heard it. 

Later, when I was cleaning up I noticed my mom got some fancy new hand soap and lotion.
The brand was incredibly appropriate for the penis-showing incident:

Pecksniffs?



Then we roasted marshmallows and watched fireworks, so it was a pretty good day.

Sidenote:

I semi-apologize for my offensive use of the word, "dick." But given the gravity of the situation, I felt like "dick" was the only variation of the penis that would suffice.

Vernal Adventure/March 2016: Part I

Dinosaurs play a large role in my 4 year old's life.
Like any other little boy he is in love with anything that kills and eats other living things.

I can't wait until he turns 8 and I can teach him about Hannibal Lector. I think 8 years old is mature enough to start the serial killer conversation, right? Yeah, I'm right. 

Ryan knows the names of way too many dinosaurs. He asks all these insightful questions about them that I have to google then pretend I know.

I am a girl! When I was young I was playing with naked Barbies and Quints dolls, not memorizing dino facts and begging my mom to watch Jurassic Park again.

Um yeah, I let my 4 year old watch all the Jurassic Park movies. Bad parenting move? Absolutely. But those 6 hours of uninterrupted mommy time was worth it.


Husband had to travel overnight to Vernal, Utah for work last March.
It just so happens that Vernal is the Dinosaur capital of Utah so the kids and I decided to go with him.

It was magical, as one might expect the dino capital of Utah to be.

Special Moments:

While Jared made some sales calls, I hung out with the terror children at a small town McDonald's. This McDonald's did not have a play place. We had to wait there for Husband for over an hour. I tried to be an awesome mom and brought a ton of travel toys to occupy and educate my children's curious minds.Instead Titty-Monkey Tyler ran away from me, to the back of the McDonald's kitchen. He hit over stacks of cups then ran all the way in the back. No one knew what to do. All the workers were like, WTF.
Finally I ran back there and found him grinning and proud behind a stack of boxes.

He looks sweet but is actually a little punk.

I grabbed T-Bag and brought him back to the table. I realized he was missing a shoe. I had to do the McDonald's walk of shame back behind the counter to retrieve it.

We left promptly after that and walked across the street to a rundown Family Dollar Store. Nothing that exciting happened except for the fact that I felt like everyone in there was going to rape and stab me, then kill my children.

But, as it turns out, my children and I are still alive and un-raped. #miracleshappen

After Jared was done working we went to a Western Heritage Museum. Mostly cause it was free.
We were the only ones there. The exceptional friendly and helpful old lady volunteer had to turn on all the lights for us.

My husband is hot. 

She gave the kids a scavenger hunt which would have been fun if my kids were older and a lot less hyper-active.

Naturally, Ryan's favorite exhibit was the old fashioned toilet. He was so excited about it that he squatted and pretended to poop by grunting and dumping a handful of skittles between his legs.

I was proud of his creativity.


end.

Oh yeah, we stayed at the SpringHill Suites and the staff was amazing and gave the boys tiny baby wash, lotion, and a cute squirting bath toy because my kids ran behind the counter and took them.
The rooms were new, clean, and big. Breakfast was great.

But the indoor pool area smelled like shit.

(Sorry for the s-word, but that was the only word that would suffice for the steamy, shit-smelling pool.)

Easter 2016

My parents went out of town for Easter so they surprised my terror children with an early Easter egg hunt. They are my best parents ever.

We went to a family Easter egg hunt with my Dad's side of the family. That's one good thing about Utah. Family stuff. And free food.

Ryan is obsessed with my 11 year old cousin Ty.
Ty's sister is my kid's regular babysitter so they play together a lot.
Ty is freaking awesome with him. He plays with him for hours.

Ryan says when he grows up, he only wants to live with Cousin Ty.
I told him it's not socially acceptable in Utah, but if he moved to San Francisco he could find acceptance.






Since I forgot Tyler's 2nd birthday earlier this month, I figured I better put in a little more effort for Easter.

I'm not big on buying my kids a ton of toys for each holiday. I know people who for real spend over a $100 per kid on Easter presents. $100!!!!!!!! On toys!
My cheap A** cannot fathom spending that much.

Let's face it. They are middle-class white kids who live in the suburbs and have more toys than they need.

I don't want to spoil them and I don't want my house looking like Toys R Us, so instead of toys they get random food and whatever candy I've been craving.
 They are still stoked Easter morning and I don't have to find storage for more toys they won't play with after 10 minutes. Win.


Last year the Easter Bunny left an awesome treasure hunt for Ryan to find his basket. This year Ryan was hoping there would be another equally awesome treasure hunt.
Before he went to bed he had me write a note and leave out some old flaccid carrots that we found at the back of the fridge.

By the time the kids fell asleep I was feeling pretty un-Eastery.
I wasn't in the mood to make an elaborate treasure hunt, so I just hung up some balloons. Kids like balloons, right?

I also bought them some cereal and some cookies since we needed some snacks around the house anyway. Look how much of my favorite candy is displayed. They had no idea that I was planning on eating a good portion of it. And I did.





I did actually get a couple things just for them. $3 bubbles and a $15 slip and slide. We have a hill in our yard and the slip and slide is going to be magical once it's warm enough to use it. The boys were giddy about both the bubbles and the slide.

See? When you set low expectations, they are happy with anything.

Notice if you will, the lazy sign I made from the Easter bunny making an excuse as to why I didn't hook them up with a treasure hunt.
Ryan understood and wasn't mad about it.

However, he was a bit skeptical of the questionable bunny print/signature I threw on at the end.

I fumbled around trying to make up an excuse as to why the bunny print looked so jacked up. I couldn't think of any plausible excuse so I just changed the subject and offered him a bunch of candy for breakfast.

We did a lot of Easter crafts that day to make up for my lame attempt at being the Easter bunny. The kids were still excited the whole day and loved everything so I guess I still win?