Help Yourself

Let's be real here.
I'm not a very spiritual person.
I go to church because I think it is good for the community and my kids.
It's good to learn right and wrong, to always be working towards something, and being part of something larger than yourself.

What I do believe in is helping other people.

I am kind of an A-hole sometimes. If you're reading this blog, you're probably a little bit of an A-hole too since only A-holes find this entertaining. :)
That's why I think it's so important that I go out of my way to help people. Not all the time though. Like once a week max.


I believe in balance. And to balance my A-hole-ness, I go out of my way to spread a little love.

I believe God made us and wants us to do more good in the universe than bad.

I want my kids to be gracious and know how lucky and spoiled they are.
I want them to enjoy and know the importance of giving.
I want them to feel good about themselves when they help.
I want them to realize an entire world exists outside of themselves.
And I want them to know that even though I'm kind of a freak, I can also be nice... sometimes.

I think life is so hectic sometimes we feel like we can't help anyone even though when actually we are.
This video illustrates this perfectly.
So, every woman should watch this. Even if your not parenting small children, even if don't go to church, and even if you feel like watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills instead.

Some ways you can practice not being a jerk:

Take your Grandma, Grandpa, or any other person, who likes Taco Bell to lunch.

Write to a prisoner at your local prison, become pen pals, send him money so he can buy cigarettes.

Make cupcakes for someone then let your kids lick the batter off your counter.

Volunteer at your church. We just helped clean our meetinghouse last week! Get there early though so you don't have to clean the bathrooms. If you do get stuck cleaning the bathrooms, quit that church.

Make Dinner for a family going through a hard time. (or if you are like me, go to the grocery store and buy pre-made food then pretend like you made it even though it's in the store's packaging.)

Hand out Sunscreen to homeless people. I used to make those trendy hygiene kits for Ryan to pass out but then I read this blog, The Survival Guide to Homelessness, and figured sunscreen is pretty important if you are outside most of the time. Homeless people get wrinkles too you guys.

Play with your kids. Like, get on the floor, grab a dinosaur, roar, and attack them. They will love it.

My spirit animal Christie had a really cute idea she put on her inappropriate blog. Make cards with your kids and hand them out at an old folks home.

Have your kids donate the toys they don't play with anymore to charity.

Donate books and kids craft stuff to a children's hospital. Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City love this crap. You can just drop it off at the front desk.

Send a picture message to someone of yourself smiling super cute, like my brother Jake did for me. His adorable face brightens my day and restores my faith in humanity.

When someone cuts you off in traffic, try to not flip them off or use the eff word.

When you see someone and think something nice about them, tell them. 



I would think of some more stuff you could do but Ryan just yelled, "MOOOOOOMMMM! CAN YOU COME WIPE MY BUTT????"
And yes, I count wiping butts as helping others.

Judging Judgers

I like to think I'm an open-minded person.
I have to be. My life/kids/family is a mess.
And by mess, I mean awesome.

But seriously, I definitely admit I have faults. A lot.

I really try not judge people. I've lived outside of Utah and traveled all over the United States and 15 other countries and feel like I accept other cultures.

Even the ones that have thong underwear in their candy machines. Yes, I'm talking about you small town in Italy.

Throughout my life I have never experienced anything like Salt Lake County, Utah.
I lived in Salt Lake from the time I was 10 years old to 21 years old, so I have never lived here a real adult.

 Utah has a lot of Judgers.

I don't know why I feel there is a lot of judgement going on around here. Maybe it's the large amount of Super-Religious people, maybe because being Mormon in another state is an entirely different experience, maybe it's because I'm socially retarded.
Probably the last one.


What really pisses me off is that the judgers judge everyone then I judge them for judging. It's a vicious cycle.

I don't like to judge people for realsies. I hate it. It takes too much energy that I could be spending on other things like:

• Watching Barney
• Cleaning the goldfish crackers stomped in my carpet
• Washing my sheets since I drooled chocolate on them last night
• Writing smart-a*$ comments to my sister, Megan's, friends on Facebook
• Taking my monthly shower
• Pretending to cook by buying pre-made food at the store
• Making creepy mini-donuts with Cryin' Ryan

I like to make fun of people while generally accepting them.

Freaking Utah.

I need to figure out a way to stop judging all the judgers.
I think I will use my Mormon Girl Super Powers and make them some rice krispie squares and jello salad.

I could also put some homemade crafts everywhere in my house and get some spiritual vinyl quotes to put on my walls.

Sorry for judging you judgers.


I'm glad I live in the suburb city of Herriman. I think people out here are cooler than other places. I actually like the people I know here. Not that I hang out with them that much due to my anti-social-ness.

I like it here even though we went swimming at the Rec Center last night and a kid pooped in the pool.

Primary Program Ruining

Mormon church Primary Programs.

Where all the kids 12 years old and younger go on the stage by the pulpit and serenade the adults for the entire Sacrament meeting.
It is MAGICAL.

For this year's program, all of the kids had speaking parts and since my Sunbeam (our Mormon name for this age group)  class of 3-4 year olds can't read, I was lucky enough to have to stand up there and help all 8 kids. It's also customary for Primary teachers to sit on the stand with their class throughout the program.

My class is the youngest. I got lucky again and had to sit in the very front row in a small kiddie chair. I'm a huge adult compared to all the scrawny children. I stuck out and everyone felt bad for me. I could see the pity in the congregations faces as I looked over the crowd.

Ryan has become a primary song enthusiast since he became a Sunbeam. We have singing time every Sunday and Ryan LOVES the chorister, Sister Bigler. (BTW Mormons call each other Brother and Sister it's weird, I know, but so is Sunbeams because those freaking kids are not beams from our Sun, they are beams from the darkest depth of hyperactivity.)

Ryan yells the songs every week hoping he will get called on to be Sis. Bigler's special helper. If he doesn't know the words he just yells louder to make up for it. It's very distracting which is why I let him do it. Church can be boring and I welcome distractions.

Back to the Primary Program. Ryan decided to sing super good (or super bad depending on how you look at it) in front of everyone in hopes Sis. Bigler would see how awesome he was and maybe she would give him a cookie.

Ryan randomly yelled songs the entire time. The little girl next to him kept covering her ears and looking at Ryan with disgust.
I had to be sneaky and record him while hiding my phone from the audience so I wouldn't get judged for ruining this spiritual moment.

The audience was laughing non-stop. I always loved the kids that misbehaved and ruined the program. I don't love it so much now because it's MY kid. Well played God. Well played.

Best Blog Ever

I randomly found the best blog ever.

Unfortunately there are only 4 entries and the last post was in 2011.
It is a shame the author wasn't more ambitious. This would have made the world a funnier place.

I wish she had her email address availible so I could petition her to continue.

Check the amazing-ness out and make sure to read the milk one:

http://confessionsofamormonbride.blogspot.com/

Best blog ever, right?

Sun Beam

Not surprisingly, Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam........ teacher.

Us Mormons all have jobs, or "callings" that we volunteer our time for. Everyone works for free. Most callings only take a few hours a week.

Soon after we moved to Utah and Ryan attended his first few primary meetings, Husband and I were assigned to be the 3-4 year old's teachers.
This wasn't a shock. Ryan's questionable behavior in church gave me a gut feeling that I would be punished.
About 8 little kids regularly attend.

It's cool though.

I'm basically a professional kid wrangler, so it's a piece of cake.


I enforce my usual kid rules:

1. No violence.
2. Don't tap me and say, "teacherrrr......"
3. Shut up.
4. For reals, don't freaking tap me.



A usual Sunday school lesson goes like this:

• 1:00-1:15  Pee and Drink -  I already got peed on at church so I'm not taking any chances.

• 1:15-1:25  Kids tell me about their weeks and anything cool they did, that way later in the lesson I can cut them off and tell them they already had their turn to talk without feeling bad about myself.

• 1:25-1:40  Snack - because 3 hours of church is a long time and I get hungry.

• 1:40-1:42  Lesson - though we sometimes don't take up the full two minutes because low attention spans.

• 1:42-2:00  Some lame activity that loosely relates to lesson from my boys and girls club craft stockpile.

If we have extra time I let them color on themselves or put stickers all over their faces. Sometimes the kids school me on when you shouldn't say the "F" word, or who in their family is being a "sassy pants". It's precious.

Pretty easy and preparation is minimal, so I can't complain. I like that I can keep a close watch on Ryan since he has no social grace.
Plus, let's be honest, primary is wayyyyyy better than sitting through adult classes.

Mormons are Nice

Its a known fact: Mormons are Nice.

I think its a basic requirement that if you are a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, a large part of your being must be nice.

The ones in Camarillo California are especially nice.

Friends from my church threw me a beautiful baby shower for my first child. A ton of people came and were a lot more generous than they should have been. My friends and family threw me one in Utah and I was overly spoiled again. Let's not even get into how much my mom and dad spoiled me.....

So now I'm having my second baby boy and really don't need anything for him.

When my ward (Mormon churches are organized geographically into "wards") wanted to throw a combined baby shower for me and a few other pregnant girls, I was surprised. All four of us pregnant chicks have had other kids.

I grew up in Utah where girls typically have a baby shower for their first babies and that's all.
California is a little different.
Here, its pretty common to have baby showers/celebrations for every pregnancy.


I hate being the center of attention and felt kind of guilty having another baby shower when I didn't need anything. I was excited to go support my other pregnant friends, but I requested no gifts for me.

I showed up to the combined shower excited to celebrate all the babies and eat good food.

What I didn't expect was the pile of gifts waiting for me.

We have only been in this ward a little over a year, and I have some good friends but I don't know some of the ladies very well. But a ton of them showed up and were soooooooo generous with their gifts.
Everyone that came brought gifts for all four pregnant girls.

I left with a stomach full of good food and a garbage bag full of diapers, wipes, target gift cards, and other awesome baby stuff.

Ummmm, I'm lucky.

And like I said, Mormons are way too nice.

And I'm thankful :)

 

Meet Melanie

• She goes to my church and is in the Youth Group I pretend to be a leader in.

• She is Cryin Ryan's surrogate Aunt since none of his other aunts love him enough to move to California.

• She takes better care of Ryan than I do.

• Jared has trusted  only two people to babysit Ryan, she is one of them.

• She comes over to help me pack, work and organize.

• Lucky for her, she fits in my pre-baby weight clothing.

• Ryan adores her.  

• She is cute, smiley and awesome.

• She reads my blog and doesn't tattletale on me when I'm bad/nasty.

• She gave me this for Christmas:

That's right suckers. That's what happens when you look so desperate that cute girls from your church pity you.

Free babysitting for 2012.

To garner other's sympathy and pity, all you mom's should try looking like a scared lost puppy when you hold your child. When your baby cries... cry harder. When the baby pees his pants... pee harder. And remember,

Pity = Free stuff

  

AND on top of the free childcare, she gave me cookies.

LDS Halloween Rave

We are really hard partiers, so for Halloween we hit up our LDS Ward Halloween party! It was insane!!! I myself have never been to a rave, but I'm sure they are similar to what I experienced last Saturday.

• Local parishioners were almost in a coma from the chili cook-off. I'm sure some of them overdosed.
• Little children were foaming at the mouth from the amount of candy they had inhaled. 
• We had to cut a few people off after they had too many waters. 
• And, there was an older lady waving glow sticks. 

Honestly, I was surprised the cops didn't show up. 

Our little ward is full of new people so we had a "youtube" video screening. Every family made a youtube-esque video, and we all watched them while we ate. 

I hate being on video so I made this slideshow masterpiece....

Here is some stuff you probably would be better off not seeing:

Don't forget our consignment store costumes:

The answer is yes, that is a mustache Jared is sporting.... and no, I did not make love to him for the 3 weeks he was growing it. 

Clearly, Ryan was not as amused by his costume as I was.
amen.

72 hours

As a Mormon I am genetically wired to to do specific things. The very DNA that runs through my veins compels me to act a certain way.

Lately I have this innate need to gather material goods and put them in a backpack.

Behold the 72 hour kit:

These bad boys are supposed to save people in the event of an emergency. The idea is jam as much crap as can possible fit into a portable bag. Then when a tsunami or earthquake strikes, you can calmly put on your 72-hour backpack and strut into the community meeting place with all your emergency essentials.

I can already imagine it.

Everyone will give me the evil eye as I smugly change into clean underwear and munch on my 2000-calorie granola and freeze-dried berries. Envious onlookers will cringe as I drop water-purifying tablets into my stainless steel bottles.

I will blow my emergency whistle with pride before I fire up my hand-crank radio. I will stand as a beacon providing everyone within a 100 foot radius with light from my lantern that lasts continuously for 144 hours.

Then I will apply lipgloss so I'm ready for the rescue parties to arrive.

It will be awesome.

Moral of the story:

In the event of an emergency - find some Mormons.

Plog

I dont know if you've heard about this new phenomenon or not. Probably not, because I am clearly on the cutting edge of all things poop.
One of my fellow "in-the-know" friends, Kelly, introduced me to it. If It came from her it is definitely going to be all the rage..... I think she is even cool enough to wear Toms shoes. Plus, I know her from my awesome church, so she is legit.

Ready?!?!?

It's called a Plog. You know, a Poop Log.......Where you take a piece a paper, a pen and your potty-training child and follow him/her around all day. Then you keep a ledger or log, if you will, of the detailed workings of your child's butthole and urethra.

For example:

8:25 sat, nothing
8:50 clenching, sat nothing
9:45 saw treats, wanted one, went pee

10:55 tiny skid mark, clenching tried, no poop

11:25 pee accident
11:45 little poo in pants, sat nothing
12:00 pee accident
1:00 tiny poop in pants, sat nothing, then pee in toilet
1:30 asked to try, nothing
2:15 said tummy hurt, sat nothing
2:50 clenching, poop on bum but not on underwear sat, nothing

4:05 tiny pee drop in underwear sat, nothing
4:50 pee accident
5:30 try nothing
6:15 "
6:30





Day #2
8:00 woke up full diaper pee
8:10 tried, nothing
9:40 clenching, underpants clean, nothing

10:20 pee accident

10:45 clenching, clean underwear, nothing

11:15 pee accident
12:00 clenching, clean, nothing

12:10 "
1:10 clenching, pee + poop in toilet

2:20 tried to pee, 3 tiny drops






Dont forget to include what you found in their underwear/diaper/bum. Feel free to enumerate the drops of urine your subject delivers.
Also, include any clenching that may be going on. If you feel like it, include what orifice is doing the clenching. Don't be embarrassed to note skid marks.

You can even do this with your spouse, siblings or other family members.... which is why I'm totally bringing my pen and notebook when I visit my family next month. We've been trying to potty train my little sisters for years.

Above all, remember, this is your Plog, be as creative as you want.

Please note Cutter's 3.84615% success rate! Go Cutter!
(By the way, Cutter is one of the cutest, funniest, most entertaining kids I have ever had the pleasure of egging on. I wish I had a picture of him that didn't show him in his underpants and I would totally post it.)

Touchdown Jesus

This majestic southwestern Ohio landmark was destroyed recently. Touchdown Jesus will no longer be greeting angry people driving along Interstate 75.
Having driven past it 3 times a week during my stay in Dayton, I am slightly disturbed by this information.



I'm pretty sure this was how it happened:

1. Behold approximately $300,000 was given to be spent upon a 64 stone tall likeness of Jesus. And a massive cross was laid beside to give the likeness an added contemporary flair.
2. And they named it Touchdown Jesus.
3. And the drivers were happy as they dwelt in their cars along Interstate 75, momentarily forgiving other drivers abominations as they looked upon Touchdown Jesus.
4. And it came to pass that God wasn't a huge fan of the monument and thought the Solid Rock Church was full of iniquity. Therefore a terrorist attack from heaven was planned. Lightning was sent from the heavens causing the statue to be engulfed in the fiery flames of wrath.
5. And there was great mourning among the Ohioan people. And there was weeping and wailing and sad posts on the peoples blogs.
6. And the church no longer spent their gold and other fine things on useless weird statues. And the Ohioan people were scared to sin. amen.

Sugar on Top

So I have a new church job and am no longer in the Nursery. Fine, but if I don't get to chill out with 2-3 year olds, I'm taking Butt Doll with me.... And dont think I'm not going to sneak pretzels and goldfish crackers into the adult class.

My new job is Secretary in the Young Women s organization. This group consists of 12-18 year old teenagers who continually behave more mature than I do. I basically hang out with them at church on Sunday and Tuesday nights. I also have to do secretary stuff like nodding and smiling at the same time.
Last night a couple of girls came to my house and dropped this off:

Chocolate covered marshmallows with sprinkles.

Thats right. Sugar covered sugar with sugar on top. In a bucket.

...............The 3 year olds never gave me candy.

This Young Woman's thing just might work out.

Butt Doll

Nursery at a Mormon church.

Full of surprises. Few of them good.

Loving families donate their old toys to the nursery so we end up with some interesting things.




But nothing prepared me for this:


A sweet little girl brought this questionable doll to me and told me she couldn't find any underwear. I immediately called Jared over to show him the plastic butt in a sea of flesh-colored cloth. We laughed for five minutes straight.

Because the other women that work with me are used to my unconventional approach to mass childcare, I knew they would think the baboon butt was funny.

They laughed. Who wouldn't?
I wish I knew who donated Butt Doll. Seriously, who picks that out at a store, buys it, let's their kid play with, it then donates it to a church? Someone who is awesome, thats who.

I wondered whether the pornographic doll should remain in our nursery (especially with our "no nakeds" policy).... I came to the conclusion that if the kids are confused by a doll's crack then we probably have much bigger problems on our hands. And out of respect for the toy company that designed and manufactured a doll with two sets of plastic cheeks.


Butt doll remains.



Plus, whenever anyone plays with it, Jared and I look at each other and giggle.... Well, Jared doesn't giggle, he does a sexy man laugh.

amen.

Pee-Shirt

Yesterday I was peed on.

And I was not the one doing the peeing..... Seriously.

At church I work in the nursery. I basically get to ditch the boring classes to hang out with 1-3 year old kids and eat snacks. Though it sometimes is a little chaotic, it's mostly awesome.

As a mom dropped her adorable little girl off yesterday, I took her and held her to calm her down. Kids who are new to nursery usually cry the first few weeks when their parents leave. Anyway, I took her and she stopped crying within a couple of minutes. She really loves to be held and because she is so cute someone is always holding her.

That is when I felt a steamy warmth spread across my new Anthropologie shirt. I thought she was for sure going number one, but I didn't think it was leaking. So I held for about 10 more minutes. I got a chair and sat down. As I put her on my lap I noticed my shirt clung to my stomach. I cautiously poked the saturated area to see if it was, in fact, pee.

It was.

I lifted her up off my lap and to my horror, saw the moist pee stamp on my skirt.

I am not very used to getting peed on by anyone, other than myself.

I didn't know what to do. As I held the kid at arms length, I delivered her to her mom. I ran back and quickly told the other ladies in nursery that I had to go home and change. I knew if I didn't hurry I could die from being grossed out.

I ran home and put on another urine-free shirt. My heartbeat returned to normal. Feeling much better, I returned to finish my sentence as nursery leader.

Jared also made fun of me all day.