My Kids Hate Me, And I'm Cool With It

I'm the type parent that feels like the more hate you cultivate (wait, did I just rhyme? I knew I should of been a white girl rapper......)

Continuing on,
I feel like the amount of hate my kids feel towards me is directly related to how good of a parent I am.

Exponential hate is the best kind of hate.

I'm not talking about severe amounts of hatred, I'm talking about HEALTHY amounts.
Just enough so that they resent you in their early 20's but they'll still visit you on Sundays.

Like, If my kids think it's cool to not eat the dinner I made for them, you can count on me to emotionally berate them and/or guilting them into eating it.

I'm not about to cook them food without the expectation they would eat that crap.
I HATE COOKING, but I DON'T HATE yelling at my unappreciative kids.

Or what if they think its cool to not pee before we leave the house?
Imma emotionally abuse them until they march into that bathroom right now and at least give it a try.

One time, T-Bag Tyler was yelling in the house and I took it up a few decibels to show him who was louder.

Nothing makes me want to make an appointment with planned parenthood more than when my kids yell in the freaking house.

That gets real old, REAL fast.

It's my job as a mediocre parent to teach them the ways of our cruel world and if that involves them hating me sometimes, I accept it.

I can't handle the parents who want their kids to love them 100% of the time. Where is the fun in that?
It's your responsibly and God given right to piss your kids off.

I LOATHED my parents a solid 89% of my formative years and look at me now. I turned into a semi-productive citizen who generally obeys the law. And I LOVE my parents now.

Discipline those little punks when they throw at fit in public, steal from your candy stash, or poop in a urinal at school.

Have some fun with it and get creative.
They'll still love you.... just not for a few hours.

Wiping Butts

Is it weird I still wipe my 4 year olds butt?

I insist on wiping all my kids butts until they pass a rigorous proficiency test that proves they are capable of thoroughly cleaning their own areas.


Poop is disgusting, I hate it.

No. Look me square in the computer monitor so I know your with me.

I. FREAKING. HATE. POOP.

I've written extensively about my professional hatred of sh*t.



I use 7-10 wipes every time I change Baby Kenley's diaper.

My Husband is ridiculously frugal and almost vomits every time he witnesses my wasteful wipee usage.

It's caused significant probs in our marriage. Worth it though.
I'm not about to use one wipe and let baby crap seep through onto my hands.

Back to wiping my 4 year olds butt though.....

I don't want him to do a sub-par job and then I have to scrub the residual skid marks out of his undies. GROSS.

When it comes to wiping your kid's butt, how old is too old?

A while ago, my friend Christie was APPALLED that I still wiped Cryin Ryan's butt. He was around 4 years old at the time.
She said she would literally kill herself if she was still wiping her kid's bum at that age.

That was the first time I looked inward and realized that I couldn't wipe his butt till he goes to college (although I am a fantastic mom so I totally would.)

I seriously googled "how to teach your kid to wipe his own ass".

One of the articles suggested demonstrating it.
Like, I'm supposed to pantomime wiping my own rear end in front of my children?
No thank you Mam', I have already messed up my kids enough.

And I really don't want my kids telling the neighbors how "mommy pulls down her pants and we saw her butthole."


I know butt-wiping is a skill everyone should master. And as a devoted mother, is it my job to teach them.
I just really don't want to scrub it out of their underwear though!!!...….

That's DIS-GUST-ING.

I'm not about to wash poop undies with the rest of our laundry. 
I gag when I think about poop undies, Tide detergent, my clothes, and fabric softener marinating together in a washing machine. 
*dry heaves.

I have thrown multiple pair of undies away because a miniscule speck of turd was on it.
Frugal husband wasn't happy about that game plan either.

I know I'm going to have to teach Tyler, my precious little angel of a 4 year old, to wipe in the near future.

Pray for me and all the poop stamps that will litter my household and permeate his clothing.

Blogging Again! Maybe!

Hey Everyone!
Sorry I haven't blogged for so long!!!!!!!
I know you cry a little bit inside when you cant read my motivating blog posts regularly.

I've taken a long hiatus from blogging because I've been focusing on myself.
I have been working on becoming a kinder, more spiritual person than I once was.

Just Kidding!

If anything, I'm a lot worse than I used to be.
I have 3 kids now.
Let's be Honest.... I'm barely keeping it together.




I didn't know that after the third kid, your laundry pile grows exponentially.

I also miscalculated the amount of time it would take to get three kids in a freaking car.

Any of you that have read DPRT from the beginning know that I am a chronic under-achiever.
Like, look at me right now.
I'm sitting on my couch at 3am on a Friday night.
No, I didn't go to any parties or hang out with friends.

I only have like, 4 friends anyway. And they are all like me.
Anti-social.

I'm talking about Lisa and Marianne specifically...
You too, Steph...

A solid text message every month is all I need to keep a friendship strong.

I sometimes stay up late at nigjt because this is the only time I can hang out with myself.
I am a girl who needs alone time.

I love my kids. I love my husband. And I kind of like my cat.

But I also kind of like writing offensive blogs.
So maybe I'll make more time for that.
And who knows.... maybe I'll even start showering regularly again.

Don't cross your fingers.

MOOOOOMMMMM!!!!

This happens to me 20 times a day, so I decided to draw it.

Oh yeah, I'm cool enough to have an Instagram account now: @emilyscottstuff
Follow me! Or don't... whatevs.
But if you do decided to follow me, please have extremely low expectations for quality content.

(Innapropriate) Maternity Photos: Part II

READ PART I HERE!


I'm still obsessed with how pretty my maternity dress was.
 

I just can't seem to feel attractive when I'm throwing up, peeing my pants, and chronically constipated.
BUT, my photographer, Ashley, captured incredible pics that made me feel more beautiful than I ever have felt during a pregnancy.
(BTW, her instagram is magical: ashbridgewater.jpg)

I didn't want to take the dress off.
(The dress was made by Sew Trendy which is also magical. Don't be mad my high school friend owns the company.)

So I came up with a few more ideas to complete the photo shoot.

Ashley is a consummate professional but agreed to document my bad decisions.

I really don't know what to say about the following pictures.

We went to a famed Utah strip club off State Street.
I took a couple pics outside, because I didn't think the club managers would actually let me in to take pictures.

 It's amazing how good the photographs are considering Ashley and I couldn't stop laughing.


We walked inside and asked the super nice and super hot receptionist if I could embarrass myself.

She got the manager for us.

He was laughing super hard about my idea and said I could even get on a stage if I wanted.

WHAT?!?!

It's always been a childhood dream of mine to be a pregnant stripper in a fancy dress.

I guess Tuesdays are slow for strip clubs because there weren't that many guys there.
Which was totally fine since I already paid my bills that month.

Before I went in, I was a little worried the girls who worked there would be a little mad about me for basically making fun of their jobs.

Instead, the girls were totally laughing at the idea and helped us as much as they could.

They aren't dumb. They treat stripping as a means to an end and have no problem poking a little fun at it.

They gave me posing tips (even though I still look awkward af) and the burly 40-somthing-year-old bouncer fixed my gown so it would be especially beautiful.

 I try not to judge people but I really didn't expect all the girls and staff to be so funny, nice, and helpful.
Thanks pretty Salt Lake City strippers.


Next stop was one of my most favorite places in the world.

Taco Bell💗

Taco Bell was pretty much the only thing I ate this whole pregnancy. Baby #3 is practically made out of chicken chalupas and nachos with extra cheese, so I wanted to honor that.

 By the way, not only is Ashley Bridgewater a good photographer, but is also an excellent burrito eater. She was probably pretty popular in high school.

I really wanted my maternity photos to tell a story.
Something like, girl is pregnant, girl gets fancy dress, girl go to strip club, girl is hungry, girl eats chalupas, girl pees behind dumpster.

Do you know how hard it is to keep a straight face when you are laughing at how clever you are?

By the way, can I just say that I am so flattered and grateful that anyone reads my blog? Making people smile, laugh, or get seriously offended, fulfills me in ways you can't imagine.
So really. Thanks for reading.





P.S. If you are offended by anything here, please email me at emilybarlocker@yahoo.com so I can show my friends and save it in my "funny stuff" folder.

 Also I got a few other suggestions for the photo shoot, one having to do with a hanger and shop vac, so really, this could of been a lot worse. (You know who you are person that thought of that 💗.)

3 Kids is Not That Fun

I'm still alive b*tches.


It's been a long time since I've blogged.

 I am a different person now.

A person who is less hopeful.
A person who wears pajamas until 1pm.
A person who looks solemnly outside while placing a gentle hand on the window.
A person who wipes butts 50 times a day.


I am a person with 3 kids.

I had baby #3 at the end of April and joined the worst club in the world.
The Mom of 3 Children Club.
And this Club sucks.


Hey moms with 3 or more kids!!!:

How are you still sane???

Or, more importantly, how do you fake being sane???

Having 3 kids is kind of making me crazy.


I thought 3 kids wouldn't be that big of a deal for me.
I've worked with kids my whole life. I used to BE a kid!
 And child #2 was a breeze, so I figured #3 would be similar.

People were not kidding when they said that 3 kids sucks because you only have two hands. It's incredible how often ALL THREE of my kids need something at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME.

Taking them out in public is akin to getting sucker-punched in the crotch.
It's unbelievably painful and can leave you in tears.

I was at the grocery store yesterday. I was carrying baby #3 in a Baby wrap on my chest, Cryin' Ryan, and T-bag were running around me and the shopping cart. It was a circus.
Then baby #3 started scream-crying. I forgot the pacifier.

She screamed the entire 20 minutes we were there.

I was pissed off but determined to finish shopping. There was no way I was leaving and coming back later.
Have you ever loaded 3 small children into a car?!?!?! It's not fun.

People were staring at us while shaking their heads with a small smile - like they were sending me the message, "Good for you, taking your feral children to the store.... your doing the best you can <3."


Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you the good news!

Just kidding, I'm not pregnant. It's just Taco Bell and residual baby weight.

My kids are lucky I adore them because they really suck my will. And ultimately, who else can I talk to at 6am about how many bullets I think it would take to kill a dinosaur?


And you know what? Even though having 3 kids is kicking my butt, I'm going to stay positive.
I'm going to mom my butt off - and I will be the mommiest mom ever.

Questionable Kids Shows On Netflix

I'm knocked up with my 3rd child. I hate being pregnant and am sick the entire 9/10 months.
Because of this, I am apathetic about my kids TV consumption.

They have been watching SOOOOOO much TV these past weeks months.

I still feel like I am an awesome mom because every once and a while I make them watch shows about smart people stuff, like Bill Nye the Science Guy and Ultimate Animal Fights. I also let them out of their kennels once a week.

But....  we need to talk about Netflix.

I love Netflix. I love how cheap it is.
We don't have cable or normal TV, so Netflix is all we use. 
I love that there a a ton of wholesome kids shows.

I love that I can sit my kids in front of the TV for hours at a time without annoying commercial breaks.
I don't need my kids to be bugging me to buy the latest sugar cereal and Nerf guns.


However, there are a few shows that I'm a little concerned about.
Which is unfortunate since I am already concerned about my children in general.

Ryan knows how to turn on any show he wants by himself.

That explains why I walked out and saw a talking cartoon butt on the TV screen one day.

Now, I am a person that can appreciate a well illustrated butt.
However, what I cannot appreciate, is my 5 year old appreciating cartoon butts.

The is a show actually called, The Day My Butt Went Psycho.

It's about a dude who is a junior butt fighter and his butt.... that went psycho.

The butt even has a name, and that name is Deuce.
For those of you that are as well-versed in all things poop, Deuce is another name for the number 2.
The number 2 is also a common nickname for poo. As in #1 is pee and #2 is poo.

So the butt's name, Deuce, means poop.
It's actually pretty clever.
But ultimately, I have way too much poop and butts in my life right now.



Then there is a little animated show called StoryBots.

It's a cute show that is educational and fun.
What concerns me is the freaking weird stuff that randomly pops up while you're watching it.

My kids were just hanging out, tryna learn about animals when this freaky camel song came on and creeped them out.

 

Were you aware that camels made that sound? 
You can see it for yourself in Season 1 Episode 4: Animals and Emotions

I don't need extra creepy things keeping my kids up at night. They already have to deal with images of me throwing up and peeing my pants every day.



You may be surprised to find out that Little Einsteins is another show I have problems with.

First of all, whoever thought of calling a kid show something with Einstein in it is brilliant.
Who doesn't want their kid to be an Einstein?

One day I would like my kids to understand physics and do their hair super sexy.

I was a fan of Little Einsteins until I saw how the red spaceship thing bounces around.

A boner shaped spring. That's how it bounces around. A boner spring.

You can watch this pseudo-porn in Season 1, Episode 5: Pirate's Treasure.



Oh, and there is a coloring page online if you want to cement that reality in your kid's head:

 Print it at: coloringsky.com

Or you could buy them this suggestive toy spaceship.
I'm not here to judge you're parenting decisions.

Anyway, I just want all you other negligent moms - who let their kids watch too much TV - to be warned about the potential dangers of Netflix. 

Let's just focus on protecting the children.

5 Problems I Have At McDonald's Playplace

I would write an intro to this post, but I'm feeling a little rebellious.
Anyway, here are some of the problems I have everytime I take my kids to McDonald's. 


1. Getting kids to eat their food before they play.

When I was a snot-nosed kid and there was an extra special occasion, my parents rewarded us with a trip to McDonald's.
They didn't love us enough to buy us happy meals.
Actually, it probably had more to do with the fact that there were 7 kids in our family and $50 worth of happy meals didn't sound like a fun way of spending money.

We had to eat everything we ordered before we could play.
I thought my parents were such jerk-offs for this.

I swore to my 10 year old self, that I would never be such a jerk-off to my kids. never.

Fast forward 22 years, and I'm sitting here in McDonald's at 6:45pm verbally threatening my children to eat all their food or we will leave without playing and I'm not joking around one bit mister.

Funny thing is, all the other bad mom's here are having the same threat session with their little angels. 
I just made eye contact with one and we nodded to each other in mean mom solidarity.

You know how you make mom friends just by a single look that acknowledges the struggle is real?
Yeah, we did that. And now her and I are BFFs.

I don't know her name and will probs never see her again but we are still best friends.

I rewarded her by taking a creepy picture when she wasn't looking so I can scrapbook it.


2. When a bunch of teenagers come in to play.

I am all for teenagers having their fun. Just not around a bunch of small hyper children.
Someone is going to get hurt. (I can't believe I just typed that.)

Everyone knows: If you have pubes, you can't play on the Playplace.
They obviously didn't read the rules.

These cute girls rolled into the Playplace and chaos ensued.
They were running around and screaming louder than the kids were.
I helped them take a group pic under the condition that I may also take a picture and talk trash about them on my mom-blog.

 
3. Finding used Band-aids.

Remember this?
I still find used band-aids all the time. 

4. Every time a little girl screams I think it's my 5 year old boy.

One time, a shrill scream came from the slide. A dad who was there with his 3 girls got annoyed, yelled out for the screaming to stop.
Right then, Precious little Ryan crawls out of the slide, shrieking, like a girl with huge grin on his face.
 #proudmommy

5. Dirty black feet.

It's filthy there.



I really should just stop taking my kids there.

But we all know I won't, because now McDonald's sells breakfast all day and I regularly make bad parenting decisions.
Oh yeah, McDonald's has free wifi too.

And I like when my hair and clothes smells like fried animal giblets after we leave. <3

Why Wiggle Bikes Piss Me Off A Little Bit

I bought my little angles wiggles bikes for Christmas 2015.

I got them on a sweet sale. 2 bikes for $50. I was happy since I was going to buy them anyway, but the universe knows how much discounts mean to me and blessed me with this sale.

The boys LOVE the bikes.

Actually everyone loves these bikes, including my 60-something year old father in-law.
 

We went to a skate park with sis-in-law Stephanie and her kids to see if anyone could survive.
There were multiple close calls.

I didn't take pictures of all the boys there. I was too busy trying not to let my heart drop out of my butt 10 times.

The kids had no fear + they are dumb = Boy-momming is nerve racking at the skate park.

I'm glad we brought their helmets.

The worst thing to happen was that one year old Noah slurped up some tepid water from an old puddle and vomited 3 times the next day.
Luckily he is alive and well.

Noah routinely eats dirt, pine cones, and berries he finds on the ground so I think he is somewhat immune to disease.

Even though wiggles bikes are cool, they also piss me of a little bit.

Kids drag their feet while riding them and it completely ruins their shoes. 

My kids jacked up 3 pairs of nice shoes before I caught on. 



I learned my lesson about buying nice kids shoes. 

Now both my boys have designated "wiggle bike shoes", complete with duct tape for a little white trash flair. 

  

Anyway, don't let your kids ride wiggle bikes unless they are wearing crappy shoes. 

13 Disturbing Parenting Moments

When you are pregnant or about to become a parent by other means, you also become a catalyst for unsolicited advice.

Every one you know will pounce on you and tell you everything they think you should do when you have a child.

A lot of super annoying mom's think they are professionals.

Be kind to these types of moms. They are only trying to help.
My unsolicited advice: Just smile and nod at them. Agree with them. Tell them they should write a book.

Then raise your kids however you freaking want to.

Usually you get standard advice and warnings, like:

- sleep when your baby sleeps.
- breastfeeding takes practice
- you are going to spend a lot of time staring at your little crotch muffin.
- toddlers get into everything, so kid-proof your entire existence.
- 2 year olds suck.
- you are going to get pissed on.

You get the idea.
I'm here to warn you about the disturbing and unexpected moments no one tells you about.

Hopefully, you will at least you'll feel solidarity with other parents when these things happen. You are not alone. I am here with you and understand your struggle.

• There will be a point when you catch your kid pooping in it's diaper and your kid will look you straight in the eye while he keeps pooping. 

• There will be a point when you think to yourself, "Well we sure got our money's worth out of that diaper." And you will mentally fist pump and be proud of the 50 cents you spent.

• You will realize you probably miss your kids more than they miss you.

Ryan went to Lake Powell with Husband for 6 days. I didn't go because 2-year-old T-Bag is the Devil and cannot be trusted on a houseboat. The Devil and I stayed home missing Husband and Ryan terribly.
When they got home, Ryan ran through the door and raced to give our cat a hug.Then he non-nonchalantly says - Oh. Hey Mom. Then he walked right past me to the bathroom to take a pee. I love you too Ryan!  

Look how happy Ryan is. 

• You will try to get back to your white girl gangsta roots and buy the new Kanye West Album, only to realize you can't even listen to it because you don't want your kids repeating, "I made that B**ch faaaamoussss."

• But then again, your kid WILL eventually swear, and you WILL laugh.

• You will be picking boogers out of your kids nose with your bare hands and not even care. Your nasty self will even do it in front of people with no qualms whatsoever.

• Your baby will pee and poop all over everything you love.

• At some point you'll probably play with your child by holding your baby in the air above you, and the little brat will puke right into your smiling mouth. 

It's extra nice if you breastfeed, because tasting your own curdled breast milk is a gift from above

• Your child will torture your pet.

• You will buy them way too many toys. Mostly because you, the adult, wanted to play with them.

• Your kid is totally going to walk in on you having sex, and it will be awful. You will learn a solid lesson about locking doors during adult time.

• There will be a time when you mistakenly eat beef jerky right before changing your baby's poop diaper and it will be the worst thing ever. Even worse than your kid walking in on adult time. You will never eat beef jerky again and you will never forgive yourself.

 

(source)

• Nothing will ever be the same. You will worry all the time. You love them so much that you constantly stress about their safety, health and happiness.

Life will be very different.


BUT it will be funnier, happier, and WAY cuter than it was before.

Oh, and also WAY creepier: