Hey Everyone!
Sorry I haven't blogged for so long!!!!!!!
I know you cry a little bit inside when you cant read my motivating blog posts regularly.
I've taken a long hiatus from blogging because I've been focusing on myself.
I have been working on becoming a kinder, more spiritual person than I once was.
Just Kidding!
If anything, I'm a lot worse than I used to be.
I have 3 kids now.
Let's be Honest.... I'm barely keeping it together.
I didn't know that after the third kid, your laundry pile grows exponentially.
I also miscalculated the amount of time it would take to get three kids in a freaking car.
Any of you that have read DPRT from the beginning know that I am a chronic under-achiever.
Like, look at me right now.
I'm sitting on my couch at 3am on a Friday night.
No, I didn't go to any parties or hang out with friends.
I only have like, 4 friends anyway. And they are all like me.
Anti-social.
I'm talking about Lisa and Marianne specifically...
You too, Steph...
A solid text message every month is all I need to keep a friendship strong.
I sometimes stay up late at nigjt because this is the only time I can hang out with myself.
I am a girl who needs alone time.
I love my kids. I love my husband. And I kind of like my cat.
But I also kind of like writing offensive blogs.
So maybe I'll make more time for that.
And who knows.... maybe I'll even start showering regularly again.
I got professional maternity photos taken.
Like a real live Mom that is proactive and cares about fancy pictures.
Have you guys seen the incredible maternity pics that everyone takes nowadays? Like being pregnant is super special or something?!?!
I know a ton of slutty girls who get knocked up, so being with child is not that monumental.
Just kidding. Yay(!) for pregnancy and Yay(!) for little babies.
I am a nasty, nasty human when I'm knocked up. The last thing I wanted was photographic evidence of it.
BUT, I happen to be cool enough to have friends in high places, and the high place I'm talking about is Sew Trendy Accessories.
I know it's hard to believe I have real live friends but just go with me here.
Sew Trendyis an industry leader in beautiful maternity dresses. Seriously. Look at the website.
Tyson
and Valerie Best are the owners and also happen to be my friends. I've
known Tyson since middle school and he is a clever little $hit, and also a dad/closeted gangster.
This is thier youngest/ridiculously cute child modeling one of their photo prop crowns.
Valerie started the company in her basement. She
didn't even know how to sew. But since she is obviously brilliant and a
hard worker she now has a huge warehouse factory and 45+ people working
for her.
I don't know how she gets everything done and balances all the
amazing-ness. She is like a white Beyonce, if Beyonce made maternity gowns and photo accessories.
They hooked me up with an incredible handmade dress (all their dresses are handmade). I can't even tell you how excited I was to dress up.
I got the Leyah gown.
I chose to have it made in innocent and pure white fabric - even though it's clear by my baby bump and by the
way that I do my makeup that I am not a virgin... or even virgin-ish for
that matter.
This style is one of those infinity dresses that you can wear a ton of different ways.
Plus this dress is awesome because you can wear it when you aren't pregnant too and it still looks amazing.
I'm sure you have seen the maternity photo shoot pics with the amazing dresses - where the mom looks all angelic, classic, and perfectly pregnant.
Well that's the aesthetic I wanted when I called Ashley Bridgewater who is a good friend and an even good-er photographer.
I seriously have 4 or 5 friends, so for me to claim a friendship with someone is a pretty big step. I'm even thinking of introducing her to my parents. It's serious you guys.
Actually Ashley is my little sister's friend, but that's basically the same thing, right?
She also sells herself for money. But not like a prostitute, more like a photographer. If you live in Utah book her. She is awesome with kids and knows how to work with crappy amateur models (like me.)
Ashley knows all the secret locations for photo shoots and took me to this one by the Great Salt Lake.
LOOK AT MY AMAZING DRESS.
Sew Trendy has a Facebook page,Twitter, and Pinterest account if you like to look at pretty things or want to creepily stalk them like I do.
!!!!!!!!!
So pretty, right!?!?
I got the flower crown from Sew Trendy too.
I was super excited because, like I said, I feel nasty and gross when I'm pregs.
I was so happy with the pics that I convinced Ashley to take some more pics of me at some locations that I had scouted out......
PART II COMING SOON!
(Trigger warning: do not read part II if you've ever had bad experiences as a pregnant stripper.)
(Oh yeah... I am not obligated to give Sew Trendy positive reviews or even review them for that matter. I just am really stoked about the dress and that my friends are kicking butt at life.)
Folding laundry is for overachievers. So it's not for me.
I like to operate in the margins and do things a little different.....and I hate folding...... and I'm lazy.
Sexy computer babe, Bill Gates, said it best:
I'm a clean freak so I wash my kids clothes, pajamas, blankets, and finger-less Micheal Jackson gloves every time they wear them. Even if they only wore it for a couple of hours.
Kids are gross.
I don't need dirty clothes fouling up my clean house.
And, I really don't like smelling boogers, dirt, and boy sweat.
I like when they smell like toxic chemicals like bleach, detergent, and fabric softener.
That's right. I routinely sniff my children.
I know this compulsion creates more laundry for me, but I am too messed up in the head to stop the washing madness.
Washing and drying the clothes is no big deal.
It's the folding that cramps my mom-ing style.
I hate folding laundry because:
It's sooooo boring.
I don't have a long attention span for mindless monotony. Never mind, I just remembered I look at Facebook and Pinterest all the time.
What I meant was that I don't have a long attention span for boring stuff.
I hate it.
I just stand at the counter for an hour and fold crap.
It's annoying.
The laundry is never truly done. It's annoying because every time you think you are caught up, your 2 year old pisses out of his diaper in the middle of the night and now you have to do more laundry.
It gets ruined by my kids.
I make my spawns put their own laundry away because I want to teach them a lesson. And that lesson is - Mommy hates putting laundry away so you have to or I will destroy everything you love.
Inevitably, one the them drops and entire stack on the way and everything I worked so hard for is ruined.
Then those little punks scurry through their drawers like rats and unfold everything. I know my fellow mom's feel my pain on this one.
It's stupid.
I'm an adult and don't have to fold laundry if I don't want to. So there's that.
A few years ago I realized that folding clothes is not necessary. You can still live a happy and fulfilled life if your undies are in wads and your shirts are shoved in a bin.
I still sort all the clothes so they are easy to find.
I'm non-nonchalant about folding but a little obsessive when it comes to organization.
Every clothing type has a designated space.
I bought a bunch of hooks to hang the kids nicer shirts and jackets on.
I got them at the Container Store and they are ridiculously useful. Hooks are so easy even T-Bag Tyler can hang up his shirts.
You know what else?
I refuse to iron anything except my hair.
Downy makes an enchanting product called wrinkle release and it actually works.
Spray that stuff on and you are good to go.
And it smells clean and fresh.
By the way, Husband does his own laundry, which is braggable.
He builds me furniture like a man and washes his own clothing like a woman. He also puts the toilet seat down.
He is so romantic.
These actions make up for the time when he bought me that apology dong.
If I was strong enough to stop folding, then so are you. (Unless you honestly enjoy folding, in that case you fold your little heart out. I respect your laundry decisions.)
It's time to make a stand against the establishment. Stick it to the Man and stop folding laundry. They can't control you anymore.
You can be lazy about laundry if you really put your mind to it.
My habitual cleaning addiction had me dreaming of a floor steamer FOR-EV-ERRR.
I would fantasize about sparkling clean floors and how I would roll around on them naked. (Then clean them again, obviously because of swass.)
I was stoked that the cleaning gods bestowed this gift upon me.
I smacked my lips and may have drooled a little bit. Don't Judge me.
Plus, look how happy the model looks holding the product in her manicured hand:
So I get it home, and after the kids go to bed I put it together.
It was really easy to assemble, but since I'm secretly a 12 year old boy I get distracted easily.
After I popped my zits, painted my toenails, ate some tootsie rolls and skittles from my candy cabinet, and pet the cat, I finally started steaming my floor.
One thing you should know if you are cleaning with a steamer for the first time:
You are a gross, disgusting excuse for a human. And I hope you're proud of yourself.
I thought I kept my floor extremely clean, but then I steamed it and realized my failures as a housewife and a female in general.
Steamers will remove dirt you didn't even know existed.
This is just one more area of my life where I'm nasty. great.
As far as the Shark Steam Mop goes, it was just ok.
You have to go over the same spot 4-6 times before it's completely clean. And you have to go slow so the steam can work.
I bet I could get my floors just as clean if I used a normal mop and painstakingly went over everything 6 times.
And it's small so it took me an entire night and most of the next day to clean my floors.
I guess for $40 I can't complain that much. It got the job done.
But I wouldn't recommend it anyone unless I hated them and wanted them to spend a lot of time cleaning.
A lipstick exists that really lasts all day, and I feel so blessed.
I am so excited about this lip stuff that if I was a boy, I would have the biggest boner ever erected.
I really like lip stuff.
I don't know about you, but I feel a lot more put together when I have lipstick or gloss on, even if I'm not wearing any other makeup.
My friend from high school, Dante, is a little punk and started selling this stuff on Facebook.
Now I'm addicted and can't stop buying new colors from her.
I doesn't help that she is cute, nice, and funny. She is one of those girls you really want to hate but can't since they are so cool.
I saw a demonstration similar to this:
I immediately thought, what kind of sorcery is this? I NEED IT.
So instead of buying food, diapers, and donating to charity that week I ordered lipstick..... like a good citizen.
It's called Lipsense.
I know.
Dumb name and even more horrible packaging.
A gold wand and a gold logo from late 1998?
For $25 a tube you would think the packaging would be a little more impressive. Has this company never walked into Sephora and seen how beautiful lipstick can be?
But since the product is amazing, I will excuse the tacky packaging.
Lipsense stays on ALL DAY and it's magical.
It's water-proof, smudge-proof, feather-proof, and kiss-proof.
For real.
My husband and 2 sons love that I don't leave lizard shaped kiss-prints on their faces anymore.
It's also vomit-proof, drool-proof, and baby-hitting-you-in-the-face-proof.
I may know from experience.
But there are some things you should know before buying Lipsense:
You HAVE to watch the tutorials before you put it on. This lip stuff is
not normal, and it won't work if you just throw it on like usual
lipstick. Try this one and here.
The first time you put on, it stings ("tingles" is what the website says, but I prefer to save this adjective for when I'm blogging about my husband) for a few seconds right when you apply it, but it's not a big deal.
When you first start using it, your lips might self-exfoliate or peel. Mine didn't peel, but they did get all dry/wrinkly for a few days.
The company says that your lips are exfoliating/peeling years of wax buildup from use of crappy chapsticks and other lip products.
But let's think about how absurd this is for a moment.
Years of wax build up? On my lips?
It's more likely that your lips are adjusting to the Lipsense formula and drying out since the first ingredient listed is Alcohol Denat. aka Denatured Alcohol.
Either way, this lipstick is still freaking amazing and I'm obsessed..... even if I suspect they lie about wax build-up.
You can buy a bunch of different lipsticks and layer them to create custom colors and it's awesome. You can even find dupes for MAC lipstick colors online.
When you order, DO NOT go to the Lipsense website to preview colors.
Their website is crappy and the colors they show don't match the actual product at all. Instead google it or look colors up on Pinterest.You can also look up this girls Facebook page, but she looks great in every color so lets all secretly hate her while simultaneously having a girl crush on her.
You are only supposed to use Lipsense Brand lip gloss over the lip color.
It does work great and extend the life of the lip color, but it's $20. I am a lip gloss whore and like to use and abuse it.You are supposed to wear their gloss or balms all the time. Even at night and when you aren't wearing the color.
I usually do whatever I want, so I rebel and only use the gloss when I have the color on.
And guess what? I still feel ok about myself.
Just make sure when you aren't wearing the color, the lip stuff you use is moisturizing and contains ingredients like shea butter or jojoba oil.
Any gloss or chapstick with mint in it jacked up the Lipsense colors pretty bad.
Lip Smackers also messes it up.
Ultimately, the Lipsense gloss works the best and it's nice to have some around, but it's ok if you don't use it all the time.
(They do have a matte gloss that I want to try and I'm pissed off because it's sold out right now. #1stworldproblems)
Only use the Oops! Remover for little mistakes you make while applying your color.
Using it at the to remove all of the lipstick takes forever, wastes product, and is a pain in the face. It also costs $10. Use a washcloth and Neutrogena Facial Cleansing Bar.
It's fast and only costs $3. Save the Oops Remover for application mistakes only.
BTW, the Remover comes in the starter kit for really cheap so if you get that, it's enough to last you for a loooonnnnggg time.
Lipsense lasts a whole lot longer than regular lipstick since you are only applying it once a day.
Less product used = Less money spent on lipstick.
Then you can buy more Lipsense.
I especially like that it smells medicinal. There is no way my kids
are going to eat this stuff, which means I automatically just saved a
ton of money and anger.
This is a big deal for me. I don't even want to think about how much money I've spent on lip stuff that my kids haveruined and/or eaten.
Lipsense dries fast and has no taste.
It's also surprisingly comfortable to wear. I assumed it would feel weird since it is so different from every other lip product, but it feels like a normal gloss or chapstick does.
AND how can you resist supporting a company that rewards it's sassy adult sales team with tiaras, sashes, and a throne?
I know I can't resist!
I am going back and forth on whether I want to sell it or not.
Mostly I want to sell it because I want the distributor discount.
But I am also too straight forward about the gloss and remover so I don't know if it would be worth it since I'd be talking people out of buying product.
Ugh. But I really want that discount.
.....And a sassy sales team tiara.
Just kidding, I already have a tiara from the party supply store.
But until then, if you want to buy any, you can go on their 1990's looking website and find a distributor near you or let me know and I will get Dante your info, she can ship anywhere and is really fast and prompt.
If I end up selling it, I will let you guys know and I could hook you guys up with some sort of deal.
Because what is better than everything-proof lipstick?
Getting a discount.
UPDATE:
You better can buy it from me!
Ugh, this stuff is too awesome not to buy a ton of it.
So I gave in and signed up as a distributor.
Check out my lame Facebook group page and I'll add you as a member. You can also comment or email me with questions and/or orders.
I ship anywhere in the U.S. and provide tracking numbers.
I'll hook you up with the starter kit for $50 instead of $55 if you mention that you read my blog or admit to laughing when small children say the "F" word.
Look at the lame video I had to make for the facebook page:
Don't judge me, jerks.
Even if you don't buy it from me, you have to try this stuff if you wear lipstick.
I apologize in advance for introducing you to this. It's addicting.
I bought my little angles wiggles bikes for Christmas 2015.
I got them on a sweet sale. 2 bikes for $50. I was happy since I was going to buy them anyway, but the universe knows how much discounts mean to me and blessed me with this sale.
The boys LOVE the bikes.
Actually everyone loves these bikes, including my 60-something year old father in-law.
We went to a skate park with sis-in-law Stephanie and her kids to see if anyone could survive.
There were multiple close calls.
I didn't take pictures of all the boys there. I was too busy trying not to let my heart drop out of my butt 10 times.
The kids had no fear + they are dumb = Boy-momming is nerve racking at the skate park.
I'm glad we brought their helmets.
The worst thing to happen was that one year old Noah slurped up some tepid water from an old puddle and vomited 3 times the next day.
Luckily he is alive and well.
Noah routinely eats dirt, pine cones, and berries he finds on the ground so I think he is somewhat immune to disease.
Even though wiggles bikes are cool, they also piss me of a little bit.
Kids drag their feet while riding them and it completely ruins their shoes.
My kids jacked up 3 pairs of nice shoes before I caught on.
I learned my lesson about buying nice kids shoes.
Now both my boys have designated "wiggle bike shoes", complete with duct tape for a little white trash flair.
Anyway, don't let your kids ride wiggle bikes unless they are wearing crappy shoes.
I spent most of my teenage years living in Salt Lake City, Utah.
There were a lot of ways to keep myself in trouble. Sneaking into community pools at night, working late at Taco Bell, and pretending I was cool on the video production team at my high school were some of the conduits to my teenage shenanigans.
Either way, I cannot believe I grew up here and had never heard about Gigal Gardens.
It's a shame because I would have snuck out and came here all the time.
Most Utahans have never heard of this magical garden.
Look at this place:
That is straight up Joseph Smith's face on a sphinx body and it's majestic.
This whole place gives off a really sacrilegious, Sunstone mini golf vibe....
BUT, it was actually put together in the 1960's by a Mormon bishop, Thomas Battersby Child, Jr. because he loved his church so much. It's basically a shrine to everything he believed in.
Here's the installation he made of himself, complete with brick pants:
I can respect that.
It's a relatively small garden/park. It only take about 15 min max to see everything.
It's kind of hard to find since it was built in the guys backyard.
I don't even take baths often (or showers for that matter), I just love bath bombs because they smell like the Celestial Kingdom.
They make my whole house smell delicious. They are better than candles. I store them in my closet just so I can sniff them everyday.
I mostly let me kids use them.
Ryan and T-Bag love them and play in the bath longer when we use them.
Longer bath times = more time I can sit on the toilet and look at Pinterest.
I'm obsessed with the bombs from that over-priced mall store, LUSH.
Don't worry though. We all know that there is no way my cheapness would allow dropping $6-$10 on a bath bomb.
OK. Just kidding. I totally spend that. Just don't tell my husband.
BUT,
I usually break the bath bombs into 4 pieces. They last us 5 baths since I save the cheeto dust left behind from when I chopped them.
Look who is winning now LUSH!
I also bought this MMMelting Marshmallow Moment Luxury Bath Oil.
So fancy!
This one isn't for the chillun'. It's only for me.
I'm saving it for fall/winter when I have lizard skin.
You know in your heart I'll be chopping it up so it lasts longer.
LUSH also has bubble bath bars that you stick in your tub and it fizzes out a bunch of heavenly bubbles. I am scared to try them since I don't want any other addictions in my life.
I bought some random ones at White Barn Candle/Bath and Body Works and they sucked balls. Real balls, not bath balls.
I will say the packaging is adorable. A mini egg carton? Yes please.
Farm Fresh - Green Bubble Gorgeous
Aromatherapy Bath Bombs
These cost $25 for 6 of them. I got them home and realized they were so small especially next to LUSH's bombs. The blue LUSH bomb is obviously on the left.
The smells weren't that great, just normal and expected.
They left a TON of residue all over my tub.
I am lazy. I don't want to be scrubbing my tub more than once every few years.
These ones were a total rip off.
I should probably learn how to make my own bath bombs. There are online recipes for LUSH-like bath stuff.
But I won't because: lazy.
