5 Problems I Have At McDonald's Playplace

I would write an intro to this post, but I'm feeling a little rebellious.
Anyway, here are some of the problems I have everytime I take my kids to McDonald's. 


1. Getting kids to eat their food before they play.

When I was a snot-nosed kid and there was an extra special occasion, my parents rewarded us with a trip to McDonald's.
They didn't love us enough to buy us happy meals.
Actually, it probably had more to do with the fact that there were 7 kids in our family and $50 worth of happy meals didn't sound like a fun way of spending money.

We had to eat everything we ordered before we could play.
I thought my parents were such jerk-offs for this.

I swore to my 10 year old self, that I would never be such a jerk-off to my kids. never.

Fast forward 22 years, and I'm sitting here in McDonald's at 6:45pm verbally threatening my children to eat all their food or we will leave without playing and I'm not joking around one bit mister.

Funny thing is, all the other bad mom's here are having the same threat session with their little angels. 
I just made eye contact with one and we nodded to each other in mean mom solidarity.

You know how you make mom friends just by a single look that acknowledges the struggle is real?
Yeah, we did that. And now her and I are BFFs.

I don't know her name and will probs never see her again but we are still best friends.

I rewarded her by taking a creepy picture when she wasn't looking so I can scrapbook it.


2. When a bunch of teenagers come in to play.

I am all for teenagers having their fun. Just not around a bunch of small hyper children.
Someone is going to get hurt. (I can't believe I just typed that.)

Everyone knows: If you have pubes, you can't play on the Playplace.
They obviously didn't read the rules.

These cute girls rolled into the Playplace and chaos ensued.
They were running around and screaming louder than the kids were.
I helped them take a group pic under the condition that I may also take a picture and talk trash about them on my mom-blog.

 
3. Finding used Band-aids.

Remember this?
I still find used band-aids all the time. 

4. Every time a little girl screams I think it's my 5 year old boy.

One time, a shrill scream came from the slide. A dad who was there with his 3 girls got annoyed, yelled out for the screaming to stop.
Right then, Precious little Ryan crawls out of the slide, shrieking, like a girl with huge grin on his face.
 #proudmommy

5. Dirty black feet.

It's filthy there.



I really should just stop taking my kids there.

But we all know I won't, because now McDonald's sells breakfast all day and I regularly make bad parenting decisions.
Oh yeah, McDonald's has free wifi too.

And I like when my hair and clothes smells like fried animal giblets after we leave. <3

Strawberries and Regret

 Camarillo, California strawberries are life-threateningly good.

They seriously make you want to die, because you fear nothing in the world will ever be as good as they are.

I'm pretty sure in Lehi's dream, these strawberries are what was growing on the tree of life.

And Camarillo has the best bakery in the world, The Bread Basket. They make the best berry cake you have ever eaten.

Things that Camarillo Strawberries are better than:

•  MAC lipglass
• An awesome hot tub in your backyard
• Cuddling a baby
• Hugging a loved one
• Having your period on time
• Finding a $50 bill that you hid from yourself
• My Mom's xanax

Utah strawberries remind me of cardboard and dirt. That's why every time I eat them I put an unhealthy amount of sugar on them, which is followed by an unhealthy amount of regret.

When I am diabetic, I know it will be because of the crappy strawberries.

Moving

Jared and I were married in Utah, where all my family lives.
One month into our married life, J surprised me by pretty much telling me I was moving to Ohio. I was like, what the hell Jared???

His Dad had just moved to Dayton, Ohio from Los Angeles and wanted Jared to live by him.

I resisted for months, but once Jared gets an idea in his head, resistance is futile.
So we packed up our crappy one room apartment, left my entire family, drove to Dayton, and moved into his Dad's basement.

There, Jared bought a nasty old house for Jared to remodel....... sound familiar? Probably because Jared loves to buy nasty houses.

By the way, Ohio is BEAUTIFUL.

A year and a half later, Jared finally finished the house. As soon as we moved into the newly remodeled Ohio house -guess what..... yep, Jared got another idea in his head and we rushed to sell the house. Two months after moving in, we were packing up to live in California.



California did not involve his Dad's basement, and we would be closer to my messed up family, so I was only partiality mad at leaving my pretty new house.

In California, we moved into Jared's awesome grandparents house. After 4 months we bought the house directly across the street. We have been living here for over 6 years.

You saw the before pictures. Our California house was nassssstttty. Jared has spent every second of free time for the last FOUR YEARS remodeling this place.
He likes it though.

It does suck that I have the kids all the time and we rarely hung out as a family. Plus the mess of remodeling is incredible. Also, the amount of money spent on the materials was INSANE. We didn't end up saving any money by having Jar-bear do the work.
But it's all ok, because now it's all done and I can finally relax in my pretty remodeled California house!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just kidding!

A few months ago Jared decided he hates his job and that we need to move to Utah so our boys can grow up with family close by.

We had planned on staying in California the rest of our lives. Jared has always wanted to live here since it is his home. I never though the day would come when Jared wanted to move to Utah.

I had made my peace with the fact that we would never live by my family, so this has been pretty weird. I haven't lived in Utah for 10 years.


A few weeks ago, Jared was offered a job in Utah on the spot. Literally the NEXT DAY, we sold our house.

My self-diagnosed case of OCD led me to pack everything up early, meticulously label everything, and color code each box with duck tape.

We even packed up Ryan:

My kids and I usually garner a lot of pity from other people so I know I'll at least be able to get invites to a few Herriman, UT playgroups.

 I'm scared to say goodbye to everyone and everything here, because I'll probably cry. I hate crying. 

Marking My Nest

Yesterday, after a long, hard stare into my knife drawer (and an encouraging text from a friend) I decided not to preform a back-alley C-section on myself.

I like to think I'm a reasonable person, and our butcher knife just wasn't as sharp as I would have preferred.

I backed away, out of the kitchen, then drove to Barnes and Noble and spent too much money.
I felt a little better.
I pulled that trick last week too. Stacks of good books and magazines calm me down.

Do you know what else helps calm my pregnancy induced mania?

Obsessively cleaning and organizing my house. Every day.

 I was never this crazy when pregnant with Cryin Ryan.

Baby #2 is making me insane.

I am constantly washing sheets and clothing because I could have the baby anytime and I really don't want to come home to dirty laundry.

My house is meticulously organized and everything is labeled because I'm 90% sure I'll have a heart attack if it's not.



Jared is scared to cook in the kitchen because I freak out if it's not perfectly clean.

Apparently I'm not as concerned with my own personal cleanliness. I walked around Target for 45 minutes with mysterious white crust on my baby bump.

I wasn't done shopping and was too lazy to wash it off, so I just left it there.

I think I need to chill out..... or have the baby asap.

Pregnancy Make Me Dumb

Me so dumb.


I can't even remember to wear a slip with this dress.

 

 I am due March 14. I think that means only 3, 4, or 5 weeks left..... I forget and can't count anyway.

 

 

 

So dumb, I can't even finish post.

Suspicious Love Letters

I came home to poinsettias sitting beautifully on my table.
I love these flowers around the holidays.

They had a love note attached:

 

"To My Love"

A few days ago we were at the Home Depot and I wanted to buy a bunch of flowers but didn't since I will be in Utah for most of the Christmas season.
Jared was so sweet to think of me and surprise me with some!!!

He was totally going to get some action that night..... then I opened the card:

Some friends had left them on our porch and Jared hijacked them and tried to take credit before I got home.

He's so romantic.

Sniffing Lotion

Do you know what I hate?

When companies discontinue amazing products.

I'm talking to you Bath and Body Works.

Cool Citrus Basil and Green Clover and Aloe are the two best scents I have ever had the pleasure of sniffing.

I bought a TON of the stuff a year and a half ago. Bath and Body Works were selling their remaining inventory of discontinued scents, $3 a bottle.


I was extremely conservative in my usage of the lotions and body sprays. I made sure I didn't share with anyone, and at night I held the bottles in my arms and called them "my precious" in a creepy voice.


I just used the last of the Cool Citrus Basil. It was a sad moment. I only have a 1/2 inch left of the Green Clover and Aloe.

I don't know how I am going to sleep tonight.


Now I can't invite my only 2 friends over and have that lotion sniffing party I've been dreaming about. (Don't worry, I wasn't going to let them actually use the lotion..... I would just let them sniff it.)


You can still buy them on the Black Market of lotion: Amazon and eBay.
But you will be paying a lot more than $3. Plus, who knows how old the bottles are? People could be selling their stash from 1990.

I also try to refrain from buying anything creamy from strangers.



One more thing Bath and Body Works: YOU SUCK for discontinuing Creamy Coconut too.

Rotten Buttermilk

I can make cookies.

I can also whip up a mean box of Rice-a-Roni.
And if you every need anyone to make garlic breadsticks, I'm your girl.

Sadly, that is the extent of my prowess in the kitchen. 

Jared's grandma, Annette, makes amazing blueberry bran muffins. She is legally blind, so I figured if she can bake them, so can I.
She gave me her recipe.

I went to the store and bought everything I needed. I began my quest.


The recipe called for 1 cup of buttermilk. I have never used, seen, or tasted it.

I opened the box and poured it into the measuring cup. I caught a whiff of warm unpleasantness.
It smelt sour and rotten, like an old man's breath mixed with his butt.

It was weird because according to the date on the carton, it hadn't expired yet.

I took it back to Albertson's and complained that my buttermilk was rotten. The manager happily exchanged it and gave me a new one.

Back at home I opened up the new carton.
 

IT SMELLED NASTY AGAIN!!!!! UGH!!!!!

I drove unnecessarily fast back to Albertsons and asked for another new buttermilk with the furthest expiration date.

On my way home Jared called me. I went off about how Albertson's has nasty buttermilk and I had to go back twice because they were so foul.

That's when Jared told me - it's supposed to be that way.

Then he told me -

 "It's a good thing you're attractive, because you're pretty dumb".

I promptly sent an apology card to the Albertson's manager.

amen.

RIP Chucky

Jared woke me up Sunday morning, "Chucky is dead, will you make sure Ryan doesn't poke him anymore?"

Chucky was lying down in one of his favorite hiding places, under the coffee table.
Our cat was just three human-years old. He was not sick and he was acting normal.

Chucky was my favorite pet ever. He was so nice and friendly. He was quiet and always hung out in the same room I was in. He only took a dump outside of his litter box once in his entire life.

We have no idea why or how he died, it sucks. Everyone knows that pets die, but it's nice to have some sort of explanation.
After some online research it sounds like it was probably due to heart defects.

Nobody wants to wake up to dead animals on their living room. Nobody.

We buried him in the ravine next to our house.


Now who is going to photo bomb every picture I take?

Who will all the little kids torture when they come to my house?

Who will bite Cry in Ryan in the head?

Who can I hog tie and shave?

I don't know how I'm going to sleep without Chucky trying to sit on my face. 

The next time I drink a bottle of tequila, I am definitely pouring some to the ground for my fallen homey.

I'm sad.

Sweatpants @ Albertsons

B.C. (Before Child) I would spot frumpy looking women who looked like they got hit by a truck. These chics looked like they hated their lives and had simply gave up.

You know who I'm talking about.... girls with unkempt hair, bags under the eyes, wearing pajamas all the time and chasing their bratty kids around everywhere.

I would see these girls all the time. The bank, grocery stores, at college, church etc.
I SWORE I would never get to that sad, sad, point.

A few days ago at my favorite grocery store, Albertson's, I was picking out some grapes with Cryin Ryan.
I looked down and saw this:

 (Pay no attention to my disaster of a house)

I stood by the grapes for 10 min shaking my head in shame.
It wasn't even early in the morning. I was still in my sweats at 4:00pm.

I snuck around the store ninja-style so no one would see the mess I had become.
I devised a plan to pinch Rat-Baby really hard if I ran into anyone. Then all the attention would be on my screaming baby and simultaneously give me a great excuse to leave in a hurry.

Lucky for Ryan, the coast was clear.
I was checking out when on of the regular baggers came over to bag my grapes, milk and candy.
He said, "You look tired."

I wanted to say, "EFF YOU, bagboy."
But in my ugly induced shame I nodded and frumpishly walked to my car.

At least I had on semi-clean underwear. amen.

Hey Jared, Thanks for the Pictures

I finally sat down and organized all the picture files on my computer. Organizing 8 years of pictures took longer than I expected, but at least I won't have to do it again until 2021.

I was going through all the folders when I noticed all the pictures Jared takes of me are gross and/or embarassing.   

It's nice that I can look back and remember how disgusting I am. 

The most common themes included:

Breastfeeding in Public:

Sleeping During the Day:

Licking Batter out of a Mixing Bowl:

 Playing Video Games Instead of Being a Mom:

This is just a small sampling of all the lame pictures Jared took over the years.
What makes it even better is that Jared has all these amazingly cute/sweet pictures. Obviously I am a little more thoughtful when it comes to photographing my spouse.

My scrapbook is going to be incredible. Great.

Well.... at least Jear-Bear is attractive. I didn't marry him for his brains or thoughtfulness anyway.