Meet Rachel

I have 3 sisters. 66.667% or 2/3 of them are awesome.


Rachel happens to be 1 of the 2 sisters that don't suck the will out of all living things.

Rachel came out to visit me a few months ago. For 9 days all we did was spoil and laugh at Cryin' Ryan's antics. We also caused a fair amount of trouble, which is one of my favorite pastimes.

As a little sister she was always the chill, nice one who minded her own business. I can appreciate that in a sibling.
She also used to draw me questionable pictures in church:

A Constipated Grandma

 Boy: aren't you done yet Grandma

Knock on door: bang, bang

I Hate Kids

 Emily pooping Jelly Beans

Emily your sick and messed up

<3 Rachel

 Emily thinks she is the prettiest in the world

Jacked up right? You should see the ones I drew for her......


The only really messed up thing I ever remember her doing was this:

My mom had just made 2 huge pans of homemade cinnamon rolls.
Jared and I were dating at the time. When we came upstairs to partake of the gift that is cinnamon rolls.......

THE CENTER OF EVERY CINNAMON ROLL WAS GONE.

FOR REALS.

That is messed up......
And Rachel was the perpetrator.

In my family, as in any family, this is an unforgivable sin.

Years later, I found out she was just heeding my advice.

I am a firm believer that if you are going to waste calories, you should waste them in the most delicious way possible.
So it made sense that she only wanted to waste calories on the best part of the cinnamon roll.

Fair enough Rachel. Fair enough.

I only forgive you cause your cool and I like you.....

and because you appreciate my shenanigans.

Revised Toilet Philosophy

The Scott Family's toilet philosophy has been officially revised.

 Months ago, I realized my brilliant earth saving technique - if it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down. - is just not feasible when kids are involved.

I really don't want Cryin Ryan growing up thinking its appropriate to pee in people's toilets and let it marinate.

I also reconsidered my toilet dogma when I got pregnant and started throwing up every time I ate something.

The last thing I wanted to deal with while simultaneously vomiting and peering my pants was having my face inches away from pee soup.

I'm kind of a psycho when it comes to bathroom cleanliness. I clean my bathrooms 3 times a week.

Now that I have morning sickness and spend an obscene amount of time staring down toilet bowls, I'm even crazier. After a couple weeks of scrubbing bathrooms everyday, I finally dedicated one of the main floor bathrooms as my "puke sanctuary".


No one is allowed to #1 or #2 or #3 in my safe place.
I think I will add some vanilla candles and play some Enya.


It's probably one of the best idea's I've had in weeks.

Private Driving

I love Facebook for a number of reasons.

• It's an easy place to stalk people
• It gives you something to do at 3am
• It confirms if people you didn't like got fat or ugly
• It is a great place for my dumb sister to show what a fool she is
• You can get some good gossip about who is in jail or rehab
• But mostly, it's a good place to keep in touch with dear friends and family with minimal effort.

It's 3:28am. I can't sleep because I just threw up a PB&J Uncrustable.  Lately, I wake up every night so hungry that I eat whatever is closest. Tonight is was Ryan's stale 1/2 eaten, pre-packaged sandwich.

After I puked, I was perfecting my normal Facebook stalking routine when I came across this picture:

This guy just got married and is about to graduate from dental school.

Why is this intriguing?

Because in middle school and high school, this guy was known for being able to drive his old minivan with his boner.

You read that right..... With his boner.

He was always happy and smiling.
He allegedly smoke enough pot to fund the lifestyles of three small-time drug dealers.


Now look at him. All grown up and fully clothed.
It's incredible how people evolve.



I'm glad to see he still has his charming perma-grin.