5 Problems I Have At McDonald's Playplace

I would write an intro to this post, but I'm feeling a little rebellious.
Anyway, here are some of the problems I have everytime I take my kids to McDonald's. 


1. Getting kids to eat their food before they play.

When I was a snot-nosed kid and there was an extra special occasion, my parents rewarded us with a trip to McDonald's.
They didn't love us enough to buy us happy meals.
Actually, it probably had more to do with the fact that there were 7 kids in our family and $50 worth of happy meals didn't sound like a fun way of spending money.

We had to eat everything we ordered before we could play.
I thought my parents were such jerk-offs for this.

I swore to my 10 year old self, that I would never be such a jerk-off to my kids. never.

Fast forward 22 years, and I'm sitting here in McDonald's at 6:45pm verbally threatening my children to eat all their food or we will leave without playing and I'm not joking around one bit mister.

Funny thing is, all the other bad mom's here are having the same threat session with their little angels. 
I just made eye contact with one and we nodded to each other in mean mom solidarity.

You know how you make mom friends just by a single look that acknowledges the struggle is real?
Yeah, we did that. And now her and I are BFFs.

I don't know her name and will probs never see her again but we are still best friends.

I rewarded her by taking a creepy picture when she wasn't looking so I can scrapbook it.


2. When a bunch of teenagers come in to play.

I am all for teenagers having their fun. Just not around a bunch of small hyper children.
Someone is going to get hurt. (I can't believe I just typed that.)

Everyone knows: If you have pubes, you can't play on the Playplace.
They obviously didn't read the rules.

These cute girls rolled into the Playplace and chaos ensued.
They were running around and screaming louder than the kids were.
I helped them take a group pic under the condition that I may also take a picture and talk trash about them on my mom-blog.

 
3. Finding used Band-aids.

Remember this?
I still find used band-aids all the time. 

4. Every time a little girl screams I think it's my 5 year old boy.

One time, a shrill scream came from the slide. A dad who was there with his 3 girls got annoyed, yelled out for the screaming to stop.
Right then, Precious little Ryan crawls out of the slide, shrieking, like a girl with huge grin on his face.
 #proudmommy

5. Dirty black feet.

It's filthy there.



I really should just stop taking my kids there.

But we all know I won't, because now McDonald's sells breakfast all day and I regularly make bad parenting decisions.
Oh yeah, McDonald's has free wifi too.

And I like when my hair and clothes smells like fried animal giblets after we leave. <3

A Few Things I'm Mildly Upset About

I was an angry teenager.
Just look at this picture of me when I was 15:

I was probably thinking about killing small animals and how dark I should dye my hair next.
Even my freckles were angry.

As an adult, I'm more mature. I'm classier.
Now I try to avoid confrontation by flipping people off when they aren't looking or writing trash about them in my diary.

Dear Diary,
My brother Jake is an A-hole. He never invites me over for dinner.
He makes me soooo mad!!!!
Well, I have to go now, my mom made dinner and is calling me!
<3,
emily



I rarely have the urge to punch people in the crotch anymore.

Don't worry though. I still get plenty angry about some things. It's just that these days I'm a lot more chill. Mostly I get mildly upset.


Here are some things that I'm mildly upset about lately:

• People who do not respect your personal space.

When I am waiting in a line I always stand back to give the person in front of me space because that is what considerate human beings do.
I was waiting in line yesterday at Cafe Rio and some lady behind me stayed so close to me that she practically molested me. My butt was very offended by the constant touching and caressing.
If you are a close stander, you and I can never be friends.

• The current eyebrow trend.

I can't deal with this.
It's weird and it bugs me.
Why would you fade your eyebrows into your skin? I already have a huge space there and I don't need to accentuate it.

BTW, the reason I know I have a large gap between my brows is because years ago I was arguing with a dude and he got mad and pointed it out. Then I couldn't stop laughing and we became friends. 

• Sparkle Jeans.

I want to understand them but I just can't.

• My addiction to stupid Lipsense.

I'm such a lipstick whore and already have 7843 other tubes of lip stuff.
Why do I need a bunch of this brand? Because it's awesome and stays on all day. It makes me happy in ways I can't explain.

But still.
wtf.
No one needs this much lipstick.
Except me, apparently.

I even sell this stuff. I need to settle down. 

• That I bought a slip'n'slide for the chillun' and forgot to let them play on it and now summer is over and they are whining at me.

• People who sneeze extra loud on purpose.

It scares everyone around them. Shut up loud sneezers, you are acting like fools.
I'm looking at you, Grandpa.

• When public places don't have baby changing tables available.

Do you know how hard it is to change a poop diaper while your kid is standing up?
Well, it's really hard and really gross. And sometimes it gets on the floor.

And if any gets on the floor, I will not clean it up, because I am a horrible person, but also to teach that facility a lesson.

• Trump v. Clinton

These two are the nominees? This is what we have to choose between? Is this real life?
I need to go into the woods for a while and sort my feelings out.




Let's take a moment of silence for all the stuff that pisses us off a little bit.

I feel so much better. 

Why You Should Stop Folding Your Laundry

Folding laundry is for overachievers. So it's not for me.
I like to operate in the margins and do things a little different.....and I hate folding...... and I'm lazy. 


Sexy computer babe, Bill Gates, said it best:

I'm a clean freak so I wash my kids clothes, pajamas, blankets, and finger-less Micheal Jackson gloves every time they wear them. Even if they only wore it for a couple of hours.
Kids are gross.

I don't need dirty clothes fouling up my clean house.

And, I really don't like smelling boogers, dirt, and boy sweat.
I like when they smell like toxic chemicals like bleach, detergent, and fabric softener.

That's right. I routinely sniff my children.

I know this compulsion creates more laundry for me, but I am too messed up in the head to stop the washing madness.

Washing and drying the clothes is no big deal.
It's the folding that cramps my mom-ing style.


I hate folding laundry because:

• It's sooooo boring.

I don't have a long attention span for mindless monotony. Never mind, I just remembered I look at Facebook and Pinterest all the time.
What I meant was that I don't have a long attention span for boring stuff.

• I hate it.

I just stand at the counter for an hour and fold crap.

• It's annoying.

The laundry is never truly done. It's annoying because every time you think you are caught up, your 2 year old pisses out of his diaper in the middle of the night and now you have to do more laundry.

• It gets ruined by my kids. 

I make my spawns put their own laundry away because I want to teach them a lesson. And that lesson is - Mommy hates putting laundry away so you have to or I will destroy everything you love.

Inevitably, one the them drops and entire stack on the way and everything I worked so hard for is ruined.
Then those little punks scurry through their drawers like rats and unfold everything. I know my fellow mom's feel my pain on this one.

 

• It's stupid.

• I'm an adult and don't have to fold laundry if I don't want to. So there's that.

A few years ago I  realized that folding clothes is not necessary. You can still live a happy and fulfilled life if your undies are in wads and your shirts are shoved in a bin.

I still sort all the clothes so they are easy to find.
I'm non-nonchalant about folding but a little obsessive when it comes to organization.
Every clothing type has a designated space.

I bought a bunch of hooks to hang the kids nicer shirts and jackets on.
I got them at the Container Store and they are ridiculously useful. Hooks are so easy even T-Bag Tyler can hang up his shirts.

You know what else?
I refuse to iron anything except my hair.
Downy makes an enchanting product called wrinkle release and it actually works.
Spray that stuff on and you are good to go.
And it smells clean and fresh.

By the way, Husband does his own laundry, which is braggable.
He builds me furniture like a man and washes his own clothing like a woman. He also puts the toilet seat down.

He is so romantic.


These actions make up for the time when he bought me that apology dong.



If I was strong enough to stop folding, then so are you. (Unless you honestly enjoy folding, in that case you fold your little heart out. I respect your laundry decisions.)

It's time to make a stand against the establishment. Stick it to the Man and stop folding laundry. They can't control you anymore.
You can be lazy about laundry if you really put your mind to it.

YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS.

Good luck comrade.