11.21.2017

(Innapropriate) Maternity Photos: Part II



READ PART I HERE!


I'm still obsessed with how pretty my maternity dress was.
 



I just can't seem to feel attractive when I'm throwing up, peeing my pants, and chronically constipated.
BUT, my photographer, Ashley, captured incredible pics that made me feel more beautiful than I ever have felt during a pregnancy.
(BTW, her instagram is magical: ashbridgewater.jpg)

I didn't want to take the dress off.
(The dress was made by Sew Trendy which is also magical. Don't be mad my high school friend owns the company.)

So I came up with a few more ideas to complete the photo shoot.

Ashley is a consummate professional but agreed to document my bad decisions.

I really don't know what to say about the following pictures.





We went to a famed Utah strip club off State Street.
I took a couple pics outside, because I didn't think the club managers would actually let me in to take pictures.






 It's amazing how good the photographs are considering Ashley and I couldn't stop laughing.


We walked inside and asked the super nice and super hot receptionist if I could embarrass myself.

She got the manager for us.

He was laughing super hard about my idea and said I could even get on a stage if I wanted.

WHAT?!?!




It's always been a childhood dream of mine to be a pregnant stripper in a fancy dress.

I guess Tuesdays are slow for strip clubs because there weren't that many guys there.
Which was totally fine since I already paid my bills that month.




Before I went in, I was a little worried the girls who worked there would be a little mad about me for basically making fun of their jobs.

Instead, the girls were totally laughing at the idea and helped us as much as they could.

They aren't dumb. They treat stripping as a means to an end and have no problem poking a little fun at it.

They gave me posing tips (even though I still look awkward af) and the burly 40-somthing-year-old bouncer fixed my gown so it would be especially beautiful.

 I try not to judge people but I really didn't expect all the girls and staff to be so funny, nice, and helpful.
Thanks pretty Salt Lake City strippers.


Next stop was one of my most favorite places in the world.

Taco Bell๐Ÿ’—





Taco Bell was pretty much the only thing I ate this whole pregnancy. Baby #3 is practically made out of chicken chalupas and nachos with extra cheese, so I wanted to honor that.




 By the way, not only is Ashley Bridgewater a good photographer, but is also an excellent burrito eater. She was probably pretty popular in high school.


I really wanted my maternity photos to tell a story.
Something like, girl is pregnant, girl gets fancy dress, girl go to strip club, girl is hungry, girl eats chalupas, girl pees behind dumpster.





Do you know how hard it is to keep a straight face when you are laughing at how clever you are?



By the way, can I just say that I am so flattered and grateful that anyone reads my blog? Making people smile, laugh, or get seriously offended, fulfills me in ways you can't imagine.
So really. Thanks for reading.





P.S. If you are offended by anything here, please email me at emilybarlocker@yahoo.com so I can show my friends and save it in my "funny stuff" folder.

 Also I got a few other suggestions for the photo shoot, one having to do with a hanger and shop vac, so really, this could of been a lot worse. (You know who you are person that thought of that ๐Ÿ’—.)



9.29.2017

I'm An Idiot About My Blog And I Went To A Kazoo Recital


So I'm an idiot.

I'm trying to give my blog a fresh look but instead I just jacked it up.

I deleted all my followers on accident.
If you want to follow my dumb-A, you still can! But I really don't recommend you reading my nonsense. It's your own choice though, do what your heart tells you.

Also, there are a bunch of problems with this new template I'm using.
Please be patient while I figure this crap out.

If it helps you feel any better, I went to a Kazoo Recital last week.




That's right. My favorite Grandma is in a Kazoo band at her old people club.




It was as magical as you think it would be. 

My phone is super bad at pics/video, but about halfway through this clip you can hear the kazoo-ing for yourself.





Awesome, right?!

Thanks for reading!
I"ll get my life together soon.




9.09.2017

(Appropriate) Maternity Photos: Part I


I got professional maternity photos taken.
Like a real live Mom that is proactive and cares about fancy pictures.


Have you guys seen the incredible maternity pics that everyone takes nowadays? Like being pregnant is super special or something?!?!

I know a ton of slutty girls who get knocked up, so being with child is not that monumental.

Just kidding. Yay(!) for pregnancy and Yay(!) for little babies.

I am a nasty, nasty human when I'm knocked up. The last thing I wanted was photographic evidence of it.



BUT, I happen to be cool enough to have friends in high places, and the high place I'm talking about is Sew Trendy Accessories.
I know it's hard to believe I have real live friends but just go with me here.

Sew Trendy is an industry leader in  beautiful maternity dresses. Seriously. Look at the website.
Tyson and Valerie Best are the owners and also happen to be my friends. I've known Tyson since middle school and he is a clever little $hit, and also a dad/closeted gangster.
This is thier youngest/ridiculously cute child modeling one of their photo prop crowns.

Sew Trendy - Dominic Crown

I know. Most awesome baby pic ever.  


Valerie started the company in her basement. She didn't even know how to sew. But since she is obviously brilliant and a hard worker she now has a huge warehouse factory and 45+ people working for her.
I don't know how she gets everything done and balances all the amazing-ness. She is like a white Beyonce, if Beyonce made maternity gowns and photo accessories.


photo from here


They hooked me up with an incredible handmade dress (all their dresses are handmade). I can't even tell you how excited I was to dress up.


 I got the Leyah gown.
I chose to have it made in innocent and pure white fabric - even though it's clear by my baby bump and by the way that I do my makeup that I am not a virgin... or even virgin-ish for that matter.

This style is one of those infinity dresses that you can wear a ton of different ways.

Plus this dress is awesome because you can wear it when you aren't pregnant too and it still looks amazing.


 photo from here


I'm sure you have seen the maternity photo shoot pics with the amazing dresses - where the mom looks all angelic, classic, and perfectly pregnant.
Well that's the aesthetic I wanted when I called Ashley Bridgewater who is a good friend and an even good-er photographer.

I seriously have 4 or 5 friends, so for me to claim a friendship with someone is a pretty big step. I'm even thinking of introducing her to my parents. It's serious you guys.
Actually Ashley is my little sister's friend, but that's basically the same thing, right?

Check out her magical Instagram:


She also sells herself for money. But not like a prostitute, more like a photographer. If you live in Utah book her. She is awesome with kids and knows how to work with crappy amateur models (like me.) 

Ashley knows all the secret locations for photo shoots and took me to this one by the Great Salt Lake.



LOOK AT MY AMAZING DRESS.



Sew Trendy has a Facebook page, Twitter, and Pinterest account if you like to look at pretty things or want to creepily stalk them like I do.






!!!!!!!!!
So pretty, right!?!?
I got the flower crown from Sew Trendy too. 
I was super excited because, like I said, I feel nasty and gross when I'm pregs.

I was so happy with the pics that I convinced Ashley to take some more pics of me at some locations that I had scouted out......



PART II COMING SOON!
(Trigger warning: do not read part II if you've ever had bad experiences as a pregnant stripper.)



(Oh yeah... I am not obligated to give Sew Trendy positive reviews or even review them for that matter. I just am really stoked about the dress and that my friends are kicking butt at life.)