Bachelorette Party: Part II

Part I  here.

After horrifying Sara and Kama with the What's in Yo' Mouth game, we played a couple nicer games.

Then it was time to open presents!

Sara's friends are way too nice to her and got her some awesome sex outfits.

Who would have guessed that newly returned LDS missionaries would be so adept at picking out lingerie?  NOT ME.

That's why my aggressive cucumber-wielding sister Rachel and I gave her a bunch of super cute undies from Victoria's Secret and an extra special surprise.

Look at how nervous but pleasantly surprised she was opening it.

 She was not grateful that I wrapped up Jared's Lobster Pants along with them. Which I thought was really rude because those lobster underpants are awesome.

Don't worry, I didn't let her keep my family heirloom. I just wanted to gross her out since she gave me used lingerie from Salvation Army when I got married.

Sara paid her friends back by trying all the lingerie on and prancing around in front of everyone like a happy elf.

I felt it was good exchange for both parties.
Plus, I always wanted to know what color my sister's pubes were, and now I know.


Part of me REALLLLLLY wanted to hire a stripper, but a bigger part of me didn't want to clean my carpets again.
And I wasn't about to spend money on a stripper when I happen to be married to a perfectly good specimen of a man.

While I knew it would be awful for Sara to have a stripper, I knew it would be even worse if it was her brother-in-law. Which is why that's exactly what I did.

I brought up the idea with Husband who immediately jumped (or pelvic thrusted) on board.
He said he did this kind of stuff all the time in college and I nodded my head in deep understanding.

He may or may not have had a cop uniform already altered into a stripper's outfit that he surprised me with on our anniversary.....

I told Sara we were going to play a special game and made her sit in the middle. The doorbell rang and this happened:

Sara acted like she hated it, but I know she loved it. 
I am the best sister ever.

And we have the best neighbors ever for watching the kids, even after Jared explained what it was for.

Oh yeah, Sara's BFF Assley, made amazing chili and Megan/Feg brought awesome rolls. It was way better than the candy I bought for dessert. 

Also, yes, you read that right. My sister Megan/Feg was at my house and we had fun and got along. I may even start referring to her as just "Megan" now.

Sorry Sara.
And I'm even more sorry for what we are going to do at your wedding. 

Bachelorette Party: Part I

Last Saturday I wove a tapestry of classiness that blanketed almost all of Utah.

My little sis Sara is getting married so I knew I had to throw her a Super Classy Bachelorette Party.

It's not often I crawl/creep out of my cave and actively socialize, so Sara felt my really awkward love for her. 

Sara and all her friends are recently returned Mormon missionaries and I wanted to keep the party slightly appropriate. 
I'm wayyyyy too classy to be putting penis memorabilia everywhere like usual bachelorette parties.
Instead I made my own party decorations with the word "Sex" placed randomly throughout my house.  

Even the prizes for winning my messed up games were beautifully crafted with just the word "Sex", as demonstrated here by Sis-in-law Erika.

 The decorations actually turned out really cute, but I'm too dumb to take more pictures. The food table looked awesome too but out of hate/principle I wasn't about to take a pinterest/instagram-esque picture of it.

All the party games I found online were either really lame or extra nasty.
I was forced to think of some on my own.

My favorite game was called:

What's In Yo' Mouth?

The Bride-to-be is blindfolded and then tries to guess what you put in her mouth. Every item is edible and reminiscent of male body parts. 

Sara's friend Kama is also getting married soon so I made her play too. Mostly because I didn't think Sara would actually play by herself.

Kama is a super-cute, super-returned missionary and super-good at getting things in her mouth. She was totally down to play.

Sis-in-Law Stephanie helped me prepare while we were laughing so hard I almost did pee my pants. 

We didn't anticipate how dirty we would feel shoving penis shaped things into other girls mouth's. For real though. I repented at church the next day and scheduled a confession.

The first item was a peeled cucumber. 
Sara was nervous and didn't trust us, and Stephanie was too timid about forcing it in.

Luckily my aggressive sister Rachel grabbed the cucumber, hit Sara in the face with it and jammed it in her mouth. 

I felt like I had just witnessed a classic example of date rape.

 Since I know a bunch of people are going to steal this awesome game for their next party, we also used:

• Limp carrots

• Room temperature, uncooked Hot Dogs

• Peanuts (hahaha! get it?)

• Long, hard lollipops

• Raw potatoes 

• Vienna sausages

• Whole mushrooms (courtesy of my gross brother Matthew)

• Peeled Banana

The best part was the final item.... white goopy cookie icing.

Neither girl appreciated my idea.

I would also like to add that my bladder control is completely ruined by giving birth to 2 kids. I almost peed my pants all night because we were laughing so hard. 
Half the time I had to hold my crotch and sit on the ground so I wouldn't wet myself.


I did not expect to party to be that funny or I would have worn my Depends underpants or a super-long maxi pad.

Part two soon! And by that I mean as soon as I stop being too lazy to type words.

Judging Judgers

I like to think I'm an open-minded person.
I have to be. My life/kids/family is a mess.
And by mess, I mean awesome.

But seriously, I definitely admit I have faults. A lot.

I really try not judge people. I've lived outside of Utah and traveled all over the United States and 15 other countries and feel like I accept other cultures.

Even the ones that have thong underwear in their candy machines. Yes, I'm talking about you small town in Italy.

Throughout my life I have never experienced anything like Salt Lake County, Utah.
I lived in Salt Lake from the time I was 10 years old to 21 years old, so I have never lived here a real adult.

 Utah has a lot of Judgers.

I don't know why I feel there is a lot of judgement going on around here. Maybe it's the large amount of Super-Religious people, maybe because being Mormon in another state is an entirely different experience, maybe it's because I'm socially retarded.
Probably the last one.


What really pisses me off is that the judgers judge everyone then I judge them for judging. It's a vicious cycle.

I don't like to judge people for realsies. I hate it. It takes too much energy that I could be spending on other things like:

• Watching Barney
• Cleaning the goldfish crackers stomped in my carpet
• Washing my sheets since I drooled chocolate on them last night
• Writing smart-a*$ comments to my sister, Megan's, friends on Facebook
• Taking my monthly shower
• Pretending to cook by buying pre-made food at the store
• Making creepy mini-donuts with Cryin' Ryan

I like to make fun of people while generally accepting them.

Freaking Utah.

I need to figure out a way to stop judging all the judgers.
I think I will use my Mormon Girl Super Powers and make them some rice krispie squares and jello salad.

I could also put some homemade crafts everywhere in my house and get some spiritual vinyl quotes to put on my walls.

Sorry for judging you judgers.


I'm glad I live in the suburb city of Herriman. I think people out here are cooler than other places. I actually like the people I know here. Not that I hang out with them that much due to my anti-social-ness.

I like it here even though we went swimming at the Rec Center last night and a kid pooped in the pool.