10 Things: Cleaning

Time for a super fascinating blog post.
You will probably want to make time to read this in one sitting.

Cleaning.
I love clean stuff.
I cannot function in a dirty unorganized environment. I am the A-hole who will be a guest at your house and start cleaning randomly. I do it to my gross brother Jake all the time.
I am also a cleaning product whore.
I try everything, but the following are my favorites.


1. Bona
This floor cleaner is magical. Cleans and dries fast and leaves no streaks. Plus the name sounds like boner.

2. Method Cleaner
Smell delicious and doesn't leave streaks on granite.

3. Barkeepers Friend
Any friend of a barkeepers is a friend of mine. 
 

4. Clorox Bleach
Because germs.

5. Sprayway Stainless Steel cleaner
I am really hateful towards fingerprints on stainless steel. One time I wanted to start a Concentration Camp for wayward prints but then I found this cleaner and am working through my problems like an adult.

6. Sprayway Glass Cleaner
No streaks and it's cheap at Costco.

7. Swiffer Dusters
Cause I'm lazy.

8. Mr. Clean with Fabreze
If heaven had a signature scent, this would be it.

9. Downy Scent Beads
Laundry sucks. It sucks significantly less when it smells amazing. The smell stays on your clothes and sheets for over a week and it is delightful.

10. A Razor Blade
I live in Herriman and have hard water. I obsessively scrape build-up so I can feel good about life again. Also to cut someone if I need to.

And here's a picture to make you feel dirty and uncomfortable:

10 Things: Creepy

This is a list of crap that scares me.
Why write a list about things that scare me? Cause I'm too dumb to think of anything else right now.

Of course I'm most scared of anything bad happening to the people I love/like.
The following are minor things I find creepy and/or give me full body shivers.


1. Open Water - I'm not a great swimmer plus nasty things live in the sea.

2. Serial killers because Silence of the Lambs.

It puts the lotion on it's skin. PASS.

3. Poop. I really freaking hate it.
See?
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit C
Exhibit D

4. People who stare at you all the time. creeeeeeepy.

5. Dry skin. It reminds me of reptiles.

6. Squid and Octopus.

7. This dude from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang:

Um... NO. THANKS.

8. Big dogs.

I had a paper route in my early teens, I delivered papers on my rollerblades and got bit in the left butt cheek but a hungry dog. I'm still scarred, physically and Cynophobically.

9. Felicity from that 1990's show Tales from the Crypt:

 I just got the willies.

10. The fact that I shaved Ryan's head and now he looks like Russian serial killer Andrei Chikatilo.

(Note to future Ryan: if you ever read this remember I love you, you are handsome, and not a murderer.)

10 Things: Benefits of Having Elf/Gnome-Babies

After recent 3D ultrasound pictures, it's clear that Baby #2 is going to be a replica of Cryin Ryan.

Baby #2:

Cryin Ryan:

Here are a few good things about having elf/gnome babies:

1. They bake cookies in trees.

2. Most of the time they are pretty cute.

3. Elves have been popularized by the Dungeons & Dragons game.

4. They are very smart and attractive, but not physically strong.

5. In more recent folklore, they have been associated with Fairies and have a prepubescent look with no facial hair on males, but expect an unruly mess of hair by the time they're two-three months old.

6. They have a small stature and are young seemingly forever. Even though Ryan is turns 3 in April, he just barely grew into his size 2T clothes. He wore 0-3 month size clothes until he was 5 months old.

 7. They like to play, might be mischievous at times, but are essentially non malevolent.

8. They are generally very jovial.

9. They live under rocks and in forests, which is why they have light translucent skin.

10. They help in the garden and fix shoes at night.

Yay for elf/gnome babies!!!!

 

 

Some elf facts provided by:  http://ezinearticles.com/?5-Facts-About-Elves&id=5053069

10 Ways To Keep A Toddler Busy

1. Leave your $15 styluses out so your toddler can hide under the table and bite the tips off all of them.

2. Give them a sheet of stickers.

3. Let them hide in 59¢ IKEA bags.

4. Buy them a goldfish. Subsequently bury goldfish in front yard.

5. Store a bin of beans within your two year old's reaching distance, then attempt to sleep in for 10 extra minutes. Quickly find out that 10 minutes is more than enough time to make a huge mess.

6. Hire a good babysitter. I recommend Netflix.

7. Have the guts/stupidity to store permanent markers in your house even though you KNOW your child was born with marker radar. Turn your head for .0035687 seconds so they have opportunity to express their artistic skill.

8. Accidentally show them where you hide the candy.

9. Let them play with your phone and call your boss's boss.... I'm sure your they will appreciate your child's repeated requests for facetime at 6:30am.

10. Let them play with questionable puzzle apps on your tablet.

See? Taking care of a toddler is easy!!!

10 Things: Stuff I Won't Pay For

There are some things in the world that I refuse to pay for. There is also a bunch of crap I will never pay full price for.

Here are some of those things:

1. Manicures and Pedicures

It would literally be painful for me to hand over cash for someone to do my nails. I can do it myself. Plus I hate people and don't want to talk to a stranger that long.

2. Pens and Pencils

Do you know how many places give out free pens and pencils? Tons.

3. Toys

Ryan has a way too many toys. I go through and donate a bunch of them every few months. With Grandmas who love to spoil him and awesome friends who give us their hand-me-downs, I have never bought Ryan a toy.

4. Home Remodeling Labor

I have a Jared for that.

5. Landscaper/Gardener

We have 1/2 an acre in California, which is a small miracle. The problem is that the yard is a year-round job. Since we have been remodeling our yard has been neglected. It looks like a jungle. We got a quote from a gardener to see how much it would cost for upkeep every month. He quoted $400..... $400!!!! That included one guy coming every other week for two hours.
Since when did gardeners get paid $100 an hour?
I'm not paying for that. I'll just leave it looking like a mess until our kitchen is done.

6. Babysitters

Why pay someone when you can trade with friends? Plus the babysitters here in Camarillo are expensive. Like, $10 an hour for 1 kid expensive.
I was forced to get a babysitter the last time I was in Utah, and she charged $2/hour. Of course I paid her more because I felt like I was ripping her off. I don't like to rip off teenagers.

7. A Maid

There are times when I have seriously considered hiring one, but I cannot justify paying for something I should do myself. It doesn't help that I'm a clean freak and would probably re-clean everything after the Maid left anyway.


8. A Car Wash

Another thing I should do myself.

9. Full Price Clothing

I live right by the Camarillo Outlet Stores. I also keep friends from when I used to work in retail at Lucky and Joe's Jeans. $40 for $180 jeans..... yes please.
When I can't get a discount, I don't buy it.

10. Anything full price at Michaels craft store

I use the 40% off coupons shamelessly. I make Pee-Baby buy items for me if I need more than one item.



Boring post, I know. Here is a picture to make it better.

The end.

10 Things: Some of My Life Rules

1. Always read books.

2. If you are going to waste calories on junk food, you should do it in the most delicious way possible.
Store bought cinnamon rolls??? NO. Homemade? YES.

3. Be kind to children.

4. Get ready everyday.
Even if it's just jeans, a t-shirt, mascara, and lip gloss. It makes you feel better and you will be more productive.

5. Look for the funny stuff.
You throw up in your Ziploc bag at Albertsons? Funny. Your baby takes a dump on you? Funny. Your brother gets arrested? Funny. No one likes you? You guessed it, Funny.

6. Pray.

7. Take a lot of pictures.

8. But don't ever take naked pictures or videos.

9. Use the best smelling laundry detergent available.
Folding laundry sucks less when it smells amazing.

10. Write Thank You cards.

End.

10 Things: Trends I Hate

Sometimes I find it comforting to focus on the negative things in life.

For instance, Check out this nasty stuff....


1. High heeled sneakers:

2. These kinds of backpacks:

3. Cheap looking/homemade sandals:

4. High-waist jeans:

5. These white trash tank tops:

6. Crop Tops:

 

7. Neon clothing:



8. **Anything in the color "oxblood":



 ** Unless you are Asian...... Asians look stunning in this color.

9. Themed sweaters:

10. ***These hats:

*** Mostly because I think other girls look cute in them, but every time I try one on I look like a douche.



 BONUS!!!!!

I obviously have to include my mortal enemy.... knee shorts:

I still wear them though. yuck.