Friday, February 27, 2015

Poop Rant



(WARNING to Christie: This blog is gross, as is a solid 97% of all my posts..... my whole life is gross.)


Poop. Everywhere.

That's how I began my day. Crusted poop clinging to the inside of my baby's sleep-sack.
I unzipped it and opened it up to free my infant and was assaulted with the scent of sin.

This is the same face T-Bag was making as I assessed the situation: 




So we meet again Poop.......

I looked that poop right in the eye and cursed it's existence.
I fought tears and frustration as I cleaned baby Tyler up for the 565853th time.

I realize that a write about poop more than your average blogger, but my intense hatred of all things poop deserves a platform.



I have to mentally prepare myself every time I change a diaper. I double up on wipes and use a minimum of 10 baby wipes per baby dump.

I get chills up my spine when 3 year old Cryin' Ryan has been grunting in the bathroom and I hear the ominous call, "MAAAMMMMMMMM!!! YOU COME WIPE MY BUTT?!"

I clean my toilets obsessively, as if my salvation was dependent upon the lack poo particles found in my bathrooms.

I cannot accurately describe my rage towards human filth, so maybe the following list will enhance your understanding of my feelings.




Things I would rather do than deal with human feces:

  • Quit my job - Which almost happened when I was a teenager working at Taco Bell. Someone shat ALL OVER a bathroom stall, my boss told me to clean it, I told her I will seriously quit that second if I really had to clean it. The boss cleaned it herself.
  • Grow out my mustache.
  • Eat insects.
  • Clean up dead rotting mice - I actually trade my mom, who offered to deal with my kids poop for a few hours if I cleaned out the rat traps in her basement. Best trade ever.
  • Have church people stop by my house unannounced, then feel insecure with myself because its 2pm and I'm still in my pajamas.
  • Have an adult acne breakout.
  • Punch myself in the face.
  • Contract a mild strain of Rabies.

Maybe I should go to therapy.
Amen.

This picture has nothing to do with the post, I just felt that if I'm going to post about poop, a picture of Ryan should be included:




4 comments:

  1. Thanks for the warning! I hadn't eaten breakfast yet, so I was safe. Also, no pictures of actual feces were included so I could stomach it. (Don't get any ideas...)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Poop makes you cry. Mice make me cry. You're right. It's the best trade ever. Want to trade again when I clean out the mechanical room????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh. And I'm almost ready to get my 3 kittens. Take that disgusting mice!!!

      Delete
  3. How you felt about poop is how I feel about boogers. K couldn't even get halfway through your last post. Also, I started dry heaving when Blake hauked a logie the other day. Makes me queezy just thinking about it...

    ReplyDelete

Speak with your heart or your private parts, either one is fine with me.

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