I am not the pageant type.
I'm sure anyone who knows me will vouch for that.
I don't think I am the answer to world peace, I could care less if the arts are taken out of elementary schools, and I only recycle when it's convenient.
What I do like is winning stuff.
When I heard that the local Miss Riverton pageant promised a fake tiara, scholarship money and a chance to beat other people, I knew I had to join in.
That is why I competed and lost. Three years. In a row.
The first pageant in 2002 was fixed. And by fixed I mean I was competing with Tandra S. She was the girl to beat. Ultimately this girl could have won with her eyes closed. She is tall, beautiful, friendly, and I am pretty sure she likes puppies and world peace.
Miss Riverton 2002
won: pity from my parents
lost: only a slight amount of self-respect
Pageant number two promised to be better. Tandra couldn't compete, I had experience under my belt, and my gold sequined dress had a high slit. I thought most of my competition could be easily beaten. There were a few girls that I had to keep my eye on though.
Sara C. and Heather T. both had solid talents and good intentions. Two things that I desperately lacked.
After the judges interview where I talked for 10 minutes about the wonders of snowboarding, I preformed a sexed-up version of Marilyn Monroe's "I want to be loved by you." I had practiced in the shower a lot, so I knew it would be a crowd pleaser.
Confident I had the win in the bag, disappointment came when an excitable theater-geek girl was handed the crown instead of me. I did win first runner up and a ride on a parade float that advertised me as the loser.
Miss Riverton 2003
won: small amount of money, a drunken pervy float driver, trip to the rodeo to stand behind Miss Riverton while my sandals filled with animal feces. Also met some of the coolest girls ever namely Aubrey, Tennille, Tashina and Monica.
lost: to a chick who was more sincere and a better singer than I was. She must have practiced in her shower for hours. Plus I don't think she had been arrested before.
The third try was a futile attempt to recapture self-respect.
This didn't happen. Instead everyone in Riverton got a good look at my camel toe. Though I believe that this had a lot to do with me winning the swimsuit competition that year, I would have rather saved my vagina's public debut for something a little more classy.
Miss Riverton 2004
won: $50 for flashing a little skin/toe
lost: to a wallflower with an evening gown that looked like 5 year old's party dress and a who had a bad case of butter face.
I also lost my vagina's friendship and trust.
And your welcome.
amen.
