7.31.2013

Rotten Buttermilk


I can make cookies.

I can also whip up a mean box of Rice-a-Roni.
And if you every need anyone to make garlic breadsticks, I'm your girl.

Sadly, that is the extent of my prowess in the kitchen. 

Jared's grandma, Annette, makes amazing blueberry bran muffins. She is legally blind, so I figured if she can bake them, so can I.
She gave me her recipe.

I went to the store and bought everything I needed. I began my quest.


The recipe called for 1 cup of buttermilk. I have never used, seen, or tasted it.




I opened the box and poured it into the measuring cup. I caught a whiff of warm unpleasantness.
It smelt sour and rotten, like an old man's breath mixed with his butt.

It was weird because according to the date on the carton, it hadn't expired yet.

I took it back to Albertson's and complained that my buttermilk was rotten. The manager happily exchanged it and gave me a new one.

Back at home I opened up the new carton.
 
IT SMELLED NASTY AGAIN!!!!! UGH!!!!!

I drove unnecessarily fast back to Albertsons and asked for another new buttermilk with the furthest expiration date.

On my way home Jared called me. I went off about how Albertson's has nasty buttermilk and I had to go back twice because they were so foul.

That's when Jared told me - it's supposed to be that way.

Then he told me -

 "It's a good thing you're attractive, because you're pretty dumb".


I promptly sent an apology card to the Albertson's manager.

amen.

7.29.2013

10 Things: Guilty


In the past couple of weeks I have been guilty of the following:


1. I put three dirty dishes in the dishwasher, which was full of clean dishes..... then I restarted the dishwasher because I was too lazy to empty it and/or hand wash my 3 dishes.


2. Actively trying to make Fegalicious cry even though her brain doesn't function on an human adult level. I suspect that teasing her is similar to teasing a angry squirrel.





3. I waste approximately 8-10 butt-wipes every time I change Ryan's poo diapers. I am deathly scared of getting any of his logs on my hands.

4. I looked at a huge mess Ryan made and thought "Someone should really clean that". Then I went to the park instead.


5. I wrote things down on my To Do list even though I had already done them. I wanted to cross them out so I would feel more productive.


6. One day I slept in until 9:00am and let my hyperactive two year old run around the house with no supervision. When I got out of bed there were 6 tomatoes smashed on my couch, saturating my white pillows and ground into the carpet............ totally worth it.


7. I tempted fate by driving around on an empty fuel tank. I was too lazy to stop for gas.


8. I went on another binge reading kick. Who knew there were so many cool books about polygamy?






9. I was neglecting my sunscreen responsibilities and I noticed that my Dirty Sanchez is trying to reappear. Damn you sunny California.


10. I was on a bug-hunt with Cryin Ryan and couldn't find any insects. I was bored and hot so I just put a crumpled leaf in his jar and told him it was a spider. He was excited.








I am not very proud of this list.

7.27.2013

Violated Bananas


Remember this nastiness?

Well a few months ago when my parents visited, I came out to eat breakfast and found this guy molesting my bananas:




My disgusting drawing - colored, cut out, and placed somewhere inappropriate.......by my mom.




Just one of the many examples of why I am so messed up.

Thanks mom! I love being your favorite child.





7.25.2013

Binge Reading

I love to Binge Read.
This habit started getting really bad in college. After an intervention and support from friends and family, I got my reading under control.

Like my friend Christie, when it comes to buying books, I laugh and think to myself, "No thanks moderation, no thanks."

I have been on a true crime reading spree the last 2 weeks. A couple friends have asked for some good book suggestions, so if you want some fascinating summer reads, check out these books:


John Glatt

Dugard was kidnapped in 1991 at age 11. She was taken by a pedophile psychopath and his crazy wife. She was captive over 18 years. She had two kids with her captor. She was able to escape in 2009.
This book is well researched and provides facts surrounding the case.

Jaycee Dugard also wrote a book herself to share her personal account of her years as a prisoner.  Her ability to look at the positive side of life is moving. She forces you to reconsider your perspective on your own life. Fascinating.



Jaycee Dugard



 John Glatt 

This one is about the a girl who was locked in a specially built prison in the cellar. Her DAD locked her down there for 24 years. He raped her and fathered her 7 kids. Sick but intensely captivating.

I read these in two days. They are that grossly fascinating.

OK, fine. I admit it. Within those two days I also read:


P.S. I take no responsibility if you cannot sleep or trust others for a while after you read these books.






P.S.S. Taking pictures with your food every day is the new "Classy".







 Happy Reading. 

7.23.2013

Fancy-Pants Phone


I ruined my favorite phone ever.

I was driving and threw up into a paper bag, which then fell through the bottom of the bag all over my lap, which is where I had my phone.

Cheese and crackers may or may not have had something to do with it.

Let's not get into that though.



Instead, let's talk about how fancy I feel with a new phone.

I was very sad to have to upgrade.
I am way too cool to care about how lame I look when I busted out my flip-phone.

I like to keep things simple and figured a smartphone would only complicate my life more. Plus, my disgusting/favorite brother, Jake, keeps begging me to get a smartphone so he can send me pictures of his poo in HD.

Plus, I really don't want to become one of those people who is more concerned with their phone than with the life that surrounds them.

I got the iPhone 4 from Verizon. It was Free with a 2 year contract.

I didn't necessarily want an iPhone but it is psychologically impossible for me to pay for something when I can get it for free.

I barely know how to use it and I probably won't learn anytime soon. I am too busy bug-hunting with Cryin' Ryan.


I feel so fancy I might even wear deodorant tomorrow.

P.S. The second Jake realized I had an iphone, he sent me a pic of his turd. I literally threw up.
I hate that guy.




7.22.2013

Chapstick Dinner

 
I am addicted to chapstick and lipgloss. I feel naked without it. I probably have (well, USED to have) over 20 tubes floating around the house.  
 
 
I enjoy Lip Smackers brand the most. Cotton candy, raspberry, vanilla and dr pepper are my favorite flavors...... unfortunately, they seem to be my Baby's favorite too.
 
 
video
 
 
I will admit that his breath is delightful afterwards. His lips are also surprisingly moisturized.
 
I thought I would be clever and buy a less palatable brand.
 
I bought the nasty Burt's Bees chapstick that tastes like wax.
Like fine wine, Ryan didn't enjoy it at first, but over time he developed a taste for wax. He was soon found eating those too.
 
video
 
 
No matter where I hid them, he sniffs around, finds them and eats them.
 
 
video
 
 
Ryan is a horrible eater so I am tempted to just go with it.
 
For dinner tonight we will have chicken and rice with a side of Lip Smackers.
 
Yum.

7.19.2013

Ettiquette with Emily: Class



Dear Emily,

I am obsessed with being classy. it is really important to me that everyone knows I am full of class.
I love to throw this word around sarcastically in every argument I ever have, because I am classy and everyone else is not. 



It's really frustrating that no matter how many times I tell people I'm classy, they just don't believe me!

I even had a poster of Audrey Hepburn hanging in my room!!!!!
(I didn't know who she was, but still....) I'm effin C-L-A-S-S-Y people!!!!


I know I've got buttloads of class, but how can I make everyone else notice?!?!?!
Help Please!!!





Dear person,

It is obvious that your main concern is having other people think you are classy. The easiest way to do this is to  actually act classy. 

Being classy is clearly not a priority of mine, but since I am a lot classier than you suspect yourself to be, here are a few things you can do:

  • Read a book. The more you know about other people, cultures, and history, the less likely you are to act like a moron. This will also help you realize that the universe does not revolve around you!

  • When you stay at your mom's house, Clean up after yourself and throw the bedding in the washer before you leave.  You are 24. Do your own dishes.

  • Don't insult babies. Especially don't do it on Facebook. When other people see the comment, "Classy" is not the first "C" word that comes to mind. Just because you think/observe something, does not mean you have to broadcast it.

  • Quit taking pictures of yourself with your food all the time. It's weird.

  • Don't tell people they are going to hell because their lifestyle or beliefs are different from yours.

  • Serve others. Volunteer for an organization or church you are passionate about. This is the best way to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

  • Say "Thank you."

  • Quit bragging about how you tried to breastfeed kittens..... it's not funny. It's creepy.

  • Take responsibility for the dumb things you do.

  • Be kind. Actually do something nice for someone besides yourself.

Adhere to this list and you will have a good start on your LONG pathway to classiness. 

Love,
emily






7.18.2013

Denim Pencil Skirt

I have over 20 years experience in dressing myself.

Malcolm Gladwell's book, Outliers, estimates that in order to become an expert in anything, you must do it for 10,000 hours.

According to this theory, I am an expert at drawing ugly pictures, making fun of everything, popping my zits, and dressing myself.

I always have a list of basic clothing I am in search of. A knee-length dark denim pencil skirt has been on my list for a few years. YEARS.
I had looked at every store and searched the internet. I could never find one long enough.

Then, I unexpectedly stumbled across one at Ann Taylor Loft.



I knew the lights from heaven were shining down on me. I looked up to the sky, put a hand over my heart and closed my eyes. It was visceral.

Sometimes clothes make me embarrassingly happy. 


End.

7.15.2013

My Questionable Cheese Habit


I have been craving cheese and crackers lately.

In the past 6 days I have eaten over 65 individual packages of Handi-Snacks cheese and crackers.

Over 65 packages. 



Gross.


Last night I couldn't sleep so I sat in bed, read my book, and greedily wolfed down a bunch of Handi-Snacks.

This is not the first time (or the second.... or third).

I woke up to a huge mess on my nightstand:


Yep, I used my finger to scrape every last bit of chemically preserved cheese from the package.

I'm ashamed.

Not so ashamed that I won't do it again though.



I don't want to talk about this anymore.

P.S. If you are ever wondering if humans can survive on toosie rolls, cheese and crackers, and water - for days at a time - ............. they can.

7.12.2013

Proper Care and Feeding of Daniel


My family and I like to make weddings special for those we love.
My little brother Daniel busted out the Napoleon Dynamite dance at my reception, and I wanted to repay the favor.
Preforming a dance would be lame, since others have done it for 3 different weddings. I wanted to do something fresh and unexpected.

Then a brilliant idea came to me: Power Point.

Daniel would be having a fancy luncheon after he was married in the Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City.
About 100 family members and friends would attend. 

I arranged to have a projector and a large screen available for my presentation.
My tiny sister Sara and I compiled all the info we would need. 
We took our time since we wanted it to look professional.

After the Best Man and the Maid of Honor had made their toasts, Sara and I took our place at the front of the room.

I figured it would be appropriate to give Erika some tips about owning a husband.

I began the presentation:






Dressed in a pencil skirt with a tasteful cardigan, I presented the following slides:




Sara presented all the "Fun Facts":







Daniel has a inclination for making faces:


Fortunately, so does Erika:


Ultimately:





It was about 15 minutes long and Danny and Erika laughed the entire time.
I was just happy no one cried.

the end.


7.11.2013

10 Things: Motherhood


The fact that I am Ryan's mom is easily the best thing about me.





A few recent thoughts on being another human's mom:

1. I thought I would get tired of all the cuteness that comes with a baby. Instead, like a heroin addict, I crave more.

2. I'm so glad that I can work when I want and bring my baby with me. I would hate leaving him all the time.

3. I can't believe how cool it is that my main responsibility is hanging out with my awesome baby.

4. Kids are everything that is good in the world.


5. Ryan stacked about 16 jenga blocks on top of eachother! I was so proud..........then he head-butted them and I wasn't that proud anymore. 

6. I love the smell of his breath, his clothes, and his hair. I sniff them all the time. I feel like a weirdo.

7. I'm glad Ryan is not a wussy. He cracked his head on a metal corner of a desk, looked confused for a second, then continued on with what he was doing. No big deal.

8. I love that we share a unhealthy obbesssion with bugs.

9. I love when he runs around the house yelling "MOMMIES!!!!"

10. 2 year old's are not terrible, they are adorable and funny.


<3



7.08.2013

Just Married! We Are Going to Sex!!!

More wedding fun!!!!

Scene: Daniel and Erika's wedding reception

My older brother, Jake, and I planned to carry out the tradition of decorating the newly married couple's car. My little brother, Matthew, had the same idea. So we combined forces.

Daniel intended to hide his car, but threats of glitter in the air conditioning vents forced him to leave his car and keys available.

Matthew brought a ton of balloons, glitter and a couple window markers.
Jake and I brought poster board, window crayons, industrial saran wrap, ribbon and our refreshing wit.

Some people came to help fill the car with balloons. Others came to help by egging us on and laughing at our antics.

WARNING: This is some pretty racy stuff for Provo, Utah.








On the drivers side window:





Someone almost ruined the entire masterpiece by writing "Marriage" really big on the windshield. Yep, just the word "Marriage". Genius..... and classy.

Luckily my window crayons erase easily.


Daniel knew Jake, Matthew, and I would be up to no good so before it got dark, he came and erased all the naughty parts. He was concerned that his new father-in-law would not approve.

We like Dan, so we didn't redecorate the parts he ruined.

It makes me feel better that their wedding photographer took plenty of dirty pictures.